I Am No One You Know (16 page)

Kathlee says,
Sometimes I hate you.

So Kathlee’s fired up and huffy, and climbs out of the pickup, and goes to the screen door that’s rusted and has a broken spring, swinging open from where Irish has gone inside. She’s wearing that blue-striped halter top sundress with the elastic waist and short skirt that makes her look like a doll, and her fluffy-wavy hair to her shoulders, and her cheeks sort of flushed and slapped-looking from the excitement.
Because Kathlee Hogan isn’t the kind of nice girl you’d expect to be seen with a boy like Irish McEwan.
She’s calling,
Irish? Irish?
in a breathy little voice nothing like you’d hear from her if it was just me, her sister, close by. And after a minute or so, she goes to look inside the screen door, saying,
Irish? Can I come in?
and I’m surprised, Kathlee opens the door and turns back to me and sticks out her tongue, and disappears inside like this is a house she’s been inside before, and I know for sure
it is not.
And I jump down out of the pickup, too. And (not knowing how stupid this behavior is, as I’d realize later) I’m squatting by the porch trying to see the black dog that’s hiding beneath it, that I can hear panting and growling, and I’m cooing
Mick! Good dog! Don’t be afraid, it’s just Nedra.

Like I’m God’s gift to animals. If Irish McEwan is going to be Kathlee’s boyfriend, I’m not jealous for I can talk to animals, some animals at least. As I don’t wish to talk to humans.

But the dog won’t come to me, and I’m fed up and restless, and I follow Kathlee into the McEwan house, like this is a kind of thing I’m accustomed to doing. And stepping inside I feel shivery right away, and my heart starts kicking in my chest. That kitchen! A real old refrigerator, and a filthy gas stove, and a plastic-topped table covered with dirtied plates, and more dirtied plates in the sink, and grease-stained walls and a high ceiling that’s all cobwebs and cracks. A sickish smell of old burnt food. And a darker smell like fermenting apples. And worse. And I’m wiping at my eyes, and almost can’t see. You’d think I would be calling
Kathlee? Kathlee? Irish?
but it’s like my tongue has gone numb. I’m wearing just a tank top and denim cut-offs and
rubber-thong sandals from the discount bin at Woolworth’s. Wet from Olcott Beach where we’d been running in the surf. And my straggly hair that’s dishwater blond, not a soft pretty color like Kathlee’s, sticking in my face. And there’s Kathlee in the doorway, her back to me. She’s looking into the front room (that would be called in the news stories the “parlor,” not the living room) and it seems to me I can see her spine shivering, though she isn’t moving just standing there, and what I’m seeing also that’s unexpected is a grandfather clock in the hall, not ticking, pendulum still, a tall handsome wood-carved clock with roman numerals and afterward I will learn that the clock belonged to Irish’s mother, she’d brought it with her when she married Malachi McEwan.
Of course it’s broken. Like everything in this house.
And there comes Irish up behind Kathlee. From a room off the hall. The bathroom, I’m thinking because Irish is wiping his hands on his thighs like he’s just washed them. Or maybe his hands are sweaty, he’s sweated through his T-shirt. And there’s this look on his face, hungry and scared, but when he touches my sister he’s gentle, takes hold of her wrist between two of his big fingers, and Kathlee turns right away to look up at him, blank and trusting as a baby, or maybe she’s stunned, in a state of shock, and and Irish slips his arm around her waist, and says words I can’t hear, and Kathlee presses against him and hides her face and when Irish turns to walk her away, back through the kitchen and out of the house, I hide from them in a corner of the kitchen, and they don’t see me. And I’m excited, I know there’s something in the front room
I have to see.
I can smell it, I’m so scared I’m shaking, or maybe it’s just excitement, like our cats excited and yellow-eyed and their tails switching when they smell their prey invisible and indiscernible to us, and irresistible. I’m Nedra, the pushy one. I’m Nedra, all elbows. Lucky your sister came first, folks teased, ’cause your mother might not’ve wanted a second one of
you.
I’m Nedra, I would’ve pushed past Kathlee in the hall if Irish hadn’t stepped out of that room. So I run to the doorway in a house strange to me, pushy and nosy. And I see. I’m panting like that dog under the porch, and I see. I don’t know what I am seeing, what the name or names for it might be, this sight is no more real to me than flicking through TV like I do when I’m restless and nobody’s there to scold me. Maybe I’m smiling. I’m a girl who smiles when she’s nervous or scared, for instance if boys look at me in
a certain way and I’m alone, and nobody close by to define me, to know not
who I am
(because I would not expect that) but
whose daughter.
My nostrils are pinching with the strong smell, and I’m beginning to gag. There’s something sickish-rotten like guts, and human shit, a shameful smell you recognize without putting a name to it. And I hear the flies. And see them. Where they’re a buzzing cloud like metal filings on the broken heads of two men. Men I don’t know. Adult men, one of them with thick white bloodstained hair. Blood and brains on the filthy carpet of this room that would be called the parlor. Like a child had smeared crimson Crayola marks across a picture. Splashed onto a worn-out old sofa and chairs. The bodies looked like they’d crawled to where they were. Blood-soaked workclothes, and blood in the ridges and crevices of what had been faces. Yet they were lying easy as sleep. The weirdness was to me, seeing adult men lying on the floor, and me standing over them almost! Thinking
Except for those horseflies they’d be at peace now.

Kathlee.
No, Irish McEwan was not my fiancé that day. Nor my boyfriend. All that, I explained.

I explained we’d been together every minute. Since late that morning around eleven, or eleven-thirty. To whenever time it was when the sheriff’s men came, with their siren blasting, to the house. Irish was the one to telephone for help. He’d gone back inside the house, to use the phone. Yes: all those hours I was in his company. At first it was just Irish and me, then we went to pick up Nedra at Grandma’s. Oh, all the places we drove, I don’t know…We were talking and laughing. Listening to Tommy Lee Ryan, “Just Kiss Good-bye,” and the Meadowlarks, “Sweet Lovin Time.” And the Top Ten.

A dozen times I would be questioned, and always I would swear. I began to get sick, fainting-sick, in just entering one of their buildings. My parents would take me of course. But you never get used to it. People looking at you like you’re not telling the truth. Like you’re a criminal or murderer yourself!
Don’t be afraid of them, honey
Irish would console me.
They can’t do anything to you. They can’t do anything to me either, I promise.
And I knew this was so, but I was filled with worry.

The last customer’s hair I rinsed for my aunt Gloria was about ten
o’clock, a walk-in. Then I did sweeping and cleanup and taking out trash etcetera into the alley. An hour of this, maybe. That’s when I saw Irish McEwan driving past. On Niagara Street. Around eleven o’clock. A little later, I saw him parked by the bridge. Gloria said it was all right if I quit a little earlier, that time of summer is slow in the beauty salon. So I left around quarter to twelve, I’m sure. If Aunt Gloria remembers later, around one, oh she is mistaken but I never wanted to argue face-to-face. Always I was polite to older relatives, always to adults. You weren’t rude, not in my family. I ran down the street to say hello to Irish McEwan whom my father knew. Yes, that was the first time. Like that. Yes, but I knew him. From Strykersville. No, I never knew his father or brother. His father they called old man McEwan. (Not that Malachi McEwan was truly old: in the paper, his age was given as fifty-seven.)

Yes, Irish knew my name. He said it—
Kathlee.
It was my baby sister’s name for me from when she couldn’t pronounce
Kathleen.
So everybody called me
Kathlee,
that was my special name and I liked it.

We were talking and kidding around and Irish asked if I’d like to ride a little and I said yes, so we did, then he asked how’d I like to drive to Olcott Beach, which is nine miles away, and I said yes I would except we have to take my little sister Nedra, she’s at our grandma’s. So we went to pick up Nedra, where she was slouched on the glider on Grandma’s porch reading. What time was this, maybe twelve-thirty. That Nedra! She was a fanatic about books. Every Saturday she’d return books to the library and take out more books and she had cards for two public libraries, and still that was hardly enough for her. She would go to college and be a librarian or a teacher everybody predicted. The first in the Hogan family to go away to school. I would have been the first to graduate from high school, except marrying Irish McEwan like I did in my junior year, I had to drop out. You couldn’t be married at that time and remain in school. It just wasn’t done. You’d be expelled. Nobody questioned this just as nobody questioned the Vietnam War. (Remember that war?) These days a girl can be pregnant and unmarried and she’ll be welcome to stay in school, nobody protests. At least, not officially. It’s an enlightened time today in this new century, or a fallen time. It’s a more merciful time, as a Christian might see it, or it’s a time of no shame. But then in the early
1970’s where we lived in Eden County in upstate New York we were the people we were, and when Irish McEwan and I married I dropped out of school, and was happy to be a wife to him, and soon a mother. Good riddance was how I felt, leaving Strykersville, people talking about us like they were. Even so-called nice people. Even my friends. Because they were jealous. Because I was so happy, and had my baby thirteen months after we were married (I know, everybody was counting months), and nobody was going to cheat me of what I deserved. I swore on the Holy Bible that Irish McEwan had been in Sanborn by eleven o’clock that morning and he’d been in my company for hours and when we drove to his father’s farm he was never out of my sight for more than a few seconds, and never until then saw what was inside the house. It was a pure shock to him. But his first thought was for me.
Kathlee
he said
no you don’t want to see.
He was white-faced and trembling but his first thought was of me. He pulled me from the doorway, and I didn’t see. He said they’d been struck down by shotgun blasts, that was what it seemed to him. He was not excited or hysterical but calm-speaking, yet he was mistaken about this. Also, Irish said he knew who’d done it, but afterward he wouldn’t repeat these words, he’d never repeat them again even to me, even after we were married. And moved away from Strykersville. And the farm (which was mostly mortgaged) was sold.

No. Nedra never went into that house. She was in Irish’s pickup in the driveway. She was afraid to get out because of the dog barking. She says she followed me inside, and she saw the dead men, but that’s just Nedra making things up. She was always nervous, and saw things in the dark.

Anything physical, that wasn’t in a book, Nedra could not handle. For all her pushy behavior and sarcasm. Yes, she was smart, she got high grades, but there were things she didn’t comprehend. She’d never have an actual boyfriend. The boys who might’ve liked her, she scared off with her smart-aleck remarks, and the other boys, they’d never give a plain skinny girl like Nedra a second glance. She was scornful of them too, or pretended to be. Saying to me, after Irish and I were married and living in Yewville, and Holly was about a year old, in this earnest quivering voice
Kathlee, how can you let it be done to you? What a man does? Doesn’t it hurt? Or do you get used to it? And having a baby,
doesn’t it hurt awful?
I was so surprised at my sister saying such things, I laughed, but I was angry, too. I said
Nedra! Watch your mouth. This baby could pick pick up such talk, and remember years later.

Nedra.
And somebody comes up behind me to touch my shoulder. Where I’m just standing there. And it’s Irish, and he’s gentle with me like he’d been with Kathlee, saying my name,
Nedra,
which was strange on his lips, saying I’d better come outside with him, and not look any more.

Like there’s danger he must rescue me from. There
is
danger, and he will rescue me from it.

Not holding me as he’d held Kathlee. But he took my hand, that was numb as ice, like I’m a little girl to be led away, he brings me dazed and blinking and stumbling back outside where Kathlee is crying and whimpering, saying
Oh! oh! oh!
but I’m not crying, and I won’t cry, it wasn’t real to me yet. Or, I was thinking
Who are they, nobody I know. Why should I cry.
But a hot acid mash comes boiling up out of me, my stomach, and I’m vomiting, spattering the ground at my feet and onto my yellow rubber-thong sandals from Woolworth’s I would throw away forever, after that day.

I would not be a witness. I would not give a statement. I was thirteen years old and the county argued I was not a child, I was old enough to provide a statement they argued, but my parents told them yes I was too young, I was an immature girl for my age, and what I believed I might have seen wasn’t necessarily to be believed. For Kathlee swore she’d seen nothing inside the house, and Kathlee insisted I had not even gone inside.
Because she was jealous. Irish McEwan leading me out of the house, holding my hand. That red-haired boy with the dark eyes, treating her sister tenderly.

My eyes were never the same since. In the fall, I would be diagnosed as myopic in both eyes, and would have to wear glasses, and nobody can believe my eyes were perfect before what I was made to see, and my life changed. In a few years, I would “see” without glasses just vague blurry things, and partly this was my habit of reading, reading, reading all the time including late at night, with just a single lamp burning, but mostly it was because of what I saw at the McEwan farm that day, that my sister Kathlee would deny I ever saw!
Nedra you know
you’re imagining it. You never went anywhere near that house. Irish says he doesn’t remember you inside. There was so much happening, and none of it had to do with you.