I Blame Dennis Hopper (31 page)

And cleavage. This one's got the dress with the cleavage. You're wearing a sack. When we shot the poster, there was a brawl over diamond earrings. All the actresses had picked out the same pair of diamond earrings that they each insisted
they
had to wear. And no one wanted to hold the gun. I wasn't a fighter, so I ended up with no earrings and holding a large pistol in the poster. One day I came to work, and I passed Nastassja. She said hello, very quietly, and I noticed something strange. She was wearing my dress.

“Hi,” she whispered as she passed. I should mention that Nastassja barely speaks above a whisper. Sexy in real life but tough when you're trying to act with her. I would be with her in a scene, a foot away, and I would look at Jennifer and say, “I can't hear anything. Is she talking?” Jennifer would answer in
her
signature baby voice, “What did you say?” That's why I'm leaning forward in every scene. I could never hear my costars! I headed to wardrobe, and I said, “Guys, I just passed Nastassja and she is wearing my dress.”

“I know,” they said. “She saw it hanging there and she wanted to wear it.”

I said, “But I'm wearing it in the scene.”

The wardrobe lady was so blasé by that point. She sighed. “Yeah,” she said. “We tried to explain that to her, but she liked it.”

I said, “I wore the dress in another scene. So we are both going to be wearing the same dress in different scenes. So our characters share dresses?”

They all shrugged. By that point, fatigue had set in. In the end, the only person who even noticed the double dress was my friend the designer Cynthia Rowley, who had lent me the dress in the first place. She was thrilled, of course, to see Nastassja Kinski wearing her dress, and Nastassja, as always, looked beautiful. But it was
my
dress!

I was so sad when Nastassja wrote in my autograph book: “Even though we hardly spoke, I want you to know I wanted to. I just get shy.” There's a little heart next to it. I was so happy to reconnect with Nastassja recently. She still looks stunning, and I'm pushing for a
Bella Mafia
reunion … or intervention.

J
AMES
M
ARSDEN

How did he come out unscathed? He was just starting out then, but I knew he had a talent for comedy. How else could he have played Nastassja's psychopathic son, Luka—a Sicilian boy who had been raised by monks and who accidentally killed his entire Mafia family, which drives him mad! He was a brilliant actor, because he got through two days of being tied up and tortured by women wearing slips, and pushing boobs in his face, without laughing. For the record, he did the best “What? What? Who said that?” imitation of David Green.

Jimmy wrote in my autograph book, “Thank you for getting me through the day!
Please
let's work together again!” I'm still waiting for that to happen.

F
RANCO
N
ERO

Camelot.
The man was in
Camelot
! He had been in so many great films and had so many great stories to tell. He and Vanessa met during
Camelot
, became involved, and were then in other relationships, but they kind of reunited on
Bella Mafia
—in which Franco played Mario Domino, a character on the opposite side of the Luciano family who causes them to lose their family fortune, so he kills himself
.
There, among the ruins, is a true and lasting miracle. They were married in 2006.

Franco wrote in my autograph book, “You cry very well!”

T
ONY
L
O
B
IANCO

The French Connection
. I was in a movie with Tony Lo Bianco, and he was in
The French Connection
! Isn't that cool?

D
ENNIS
F
ARINA

A prince. He played my father, Don Luciano, and we danced together at one of the many weddings in the show. I will never forget: We were shooting the scene and he had me in his arms when one of the actresses came over to us, talking very quickly and animatedly, and when she walked away, without missing a beat of the dance step, he said in his Chicago-cop accent, “That's drugs!”

In my autograph book I wrote two words under Dennis's Polaroid. “The Best!” It's the kind of thing any actor hopes will be written about them. Other actors will know what I mean by that, but what it means to me is that he is solid, always present, has no ego, and just truly enjoys the work. I never saw Dennis complain, and this was a movie where we could have put out a daily paper filled with complaints.

P
ETER
B
OGDANOVICH

One of my all-time-favorite comedies is Peter Bogdanovich's
What's Up, Doc?
It had a hysterical script by Buck Henry (remember him? He kept his feet up on the desk during my
To Die For
audition), David Newman, and Robert Benton. It was always a dream of mine to work with Peter Bogdanovich on a comedy. He had made such an impact on my early moviegoing with his films such as
Paper Moon
and
The Last Picture Show
. Classics. He also directed a really underrated film—another farce, called
Noises Off
, about a crazy British director and an even crazier bunch of actors doing a play in which everything that can go wrong does, and they all end up at each other's throats! It is very funny. But it's not real.
Bella Mafia
was real! We were fighting over dresses! We were pushing one another to the ground and filming it.

I would never have imagined that the first time I would meet one of my absolute idols, he would be acting opposite me as Jennifer Tilly's Mafia-don boyfriend, Vito Giancamo. I was so confused as to who Vito Giancamo was that between takes I asked Jennifer Tilly for some explanation of how his character fit into the plot, and she said in her baby voice, “I should really read the script.”

Peter wrote in my autograph book, “I always
do
enjoy talking with you. Looking forward to the next time.” It would take fourteen years, but it was worth it. He directed me in
She's Funny That Way,
which was a real farce in the tradition of
What's Up, Doc?
After he saw the rushes, he called me and said, “You're quite good in the film.” Sure, it was no
Bella Mafia
, but I took the compliment to heart. Thank you, Peter.

A
ND
NOW
THE
CLOSER
: J
ENNIFER
T
ILLY

I couldn't wait to get to the set every day, pen in hand, ready to write down everything that happened. Then again, who would believe it? I have often joked that I became friends with Jennifer only so I could have someone to confirm the crazy on-set stories.

I learned a lot about humor on the set of
Bella Mafia
. So many people wrote in my autograph book that my sense of humor had got them through what one actor had described as “madness.” When something happened, I took my cue from Dennis Farina. I didn't complain; I just made a joke out of it. There were always trailers or rooms for everyone on set but somewhere along the way they started thinking of Jennifer Tilly and me as roommates. I would get to set, and I wouldn't have a trailer, and they would say, “Oh, we put you in Jennifer's room, because we know you two are friends.” Well, we weren't really friends. I'm sure they were just doing this to save money, but I never said anything, because of course I wanted to room with Jennifer. Who else could I have a nice gossip with? And I really hoped we would become friends. In the morning I would see Jennifer in the makeup trailer, and we would exchange pleasantries and she would leave, and I would think, I bet she has no idea she is sharing her room with me. I can't tell you how many times I would go to Jennifer's room, lugging my costumes, and she would be lounging on her bed reading a script, or taking a nap, her clothes strewn about, and she'd be completely surprised by—but always gracious about—my arrival. And I would explain that apparently they had assigned me to her room. Again. I would clear a path among her shoes, her jewels, and find myself a spot, always trying to make her laugh with something outrageous that happened on set.

I don't know if I just wore her down, but eventually I would just go to her room whether I had my own room or not. So I could pester her about some of my favorite Jennifer performances, such as the ones in
Bound, Let It Ride,
and of course
Bullets Over Broadway
. We got up to a lot of high jinks together. One time we decided we would overact a scene, playing it with lots of wild hand gestures. So if the line was “There on the table,” we would both point wildly at the table as if it were a murder mystery: “
There!
On the
table!
” Or if the line was “They are taking the roof from over our head,” we would point madly to the
roof
! Poor David. I think once he almost noticed what we were up to.

The worst outrage of
Bella Mafia
is that we never got to do another movie together, because I love Jennifer to pieces and think she is just wildly talented. She created a type: sassy, sexy, funny—a Jennifer Tilly type—that only she can play even though I have tried to imitate her on many occasions. Except for the cleavage.

Jennifer wrote in my autograph book: “You have a knack of repeating the way something happened and making it hysterical. I laughed until tears squirted out of my eyes. Let's hope we are not in the television version of
Valley of the Dolls!
”

So, what was the fate of the five bitches of
Bella Mafia
? Driving down Beverly Boulevard, I nearly went off the road the first time I saw my face on the huge billboard for
Bella Mafia
. I was holding a big gun, but still, my face was on a billboard!
Bella Mafia
was so well received it won the ratings both nights we played on TV. The longer movie version was sold overseas and did even better. It was a huge hit! Vanessa Redgrave was nominated for a Golden Globe for Best Performance by an Actress in a Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for TV. I was signed to a television deal with CBS. There was serious talk of a sequel. Of course I was asked, “Did you know when you were shooting
Bella Mafia
it was going to turn out so well?”

Let's spin the roulette wheel one more time.

The television exposure I received with
Bella Mafia
resulted in a lot of meetings about television shows. I signed on to be in a pilot called
Action,
with Jay Mohr and Buddy Hackett. It was directed by the astonishingly gifted late Ted Demme. We were shooting a scene with Keanu Reeves, who had just filmed a little movie called
The Matrix
. I remember filming a scene on Hollywood Boulevard at four in the morning and thinking, This is going to be the greatest show of all time. I knew it would be the greatest shot I ever did. I was dressed as a hooker, strapped to the side of a limo speeding down Hollywood Boulevard. I could hear Ted Demme laughing as he watched the monitor in the camera car that was towing us along. Chris Thompson, our writer and show-runner, was a genius. Our producer was the über-successful and mythic Joel Silver. I adored the star, Jay Mohr, who I had known from
Picture Perfect
. Jay was brilliant and so fast on his feet. Our costar, the irascible and wonderfully funny Buddy Hackett, was a mentor to Jay and always had kind things to say when we were acting together. Wendy Ward, the child star turned prostitute turned network executive, was the most challenging and rewarding character I have ever played. Her character had been written with me in mind. I had amazing clothes. I looked incredible. Every day we were working with stars such as Keanu Reeves, Sandra Bullock, Salma Hayek, and Ice Cube, making what we felt was the best, most cutting-edge show on television. The press was outrageous.
TV Guide
and
Entertainment Weekly
raved.
Newsweek
wrote, “
Action
breaks the rules like movers break china.” I thought
Action
would be on the air for years and cleared a shelf for the Emmys we were sure to win.

We were canceled after thirteen episodes. I'm often asked, “Why did they cancel
Action
?” We could spin and spin and spin on that one and still not get an answer. That's just the roulette wheel of insanity.

 

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Easy to Assemble

Putting it all together. Of all the roles I have played, this has been the best: writer and producer of my IKEA-sponsored Web series,
Easy to Assemble
. Here I am staging a dance scene in the self-serve warehouse.