I Kissed Dating Goodbye (16 page)

3. Self-Pity

The final pollutant of our hearts is self-pity. In a sense, self-pity is the worship of our circumstances. When we indulge in feeling sorry for ourselves, we turn our focus from God--His

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145 joshua harris goodness, His justice, His ability to save in any circumstance. And as we turn away from God, we cut ourselves off from our only source of hope.

We can so easily allow self-pity to seep into our hearts. When we feel lonely or crave someone to love and be loved by, it seems we have every reason in the world to complain, to sulk angrily because we've received a bum deal.

But do we really have reason to complain when we consider the Cross? As I try to follow God's plan for relationships and, as a result, pass up short-term dating, I'm sometimes tempted to fall into a "martyour" mentality. "Oh, woe is me! Here 1 am, suffering for righteousness!" What foolishness! In my more objective moments, I imagine God's response to my self-pity as similar to the message of a popular T-shirt: "Would you like some cheese with your whine?" Spending my time sighing over what I've given up doesn't impress God; obeying Him with joy does.

Self-pity is a sinful response to feelings of loneliness. We don't sin when we feel lonely or admit a desire for companionship, but we do sin when we use these feelings as an excuse to turn from God and exalt our own needs.

Do you often find yourself focusing on your own sorry state and not relying on God to do His best for you? If so, then you probably need to take an honest look at your tendency toward self-pity. If you need to, you can defuse self-pity by doing several things. First, stop basing your happiness on how you compare with other people. Don't get sucked into the

guard your heart 147 redirect them into compassion for others. Look around for someone who might share your feelings of loneliness, and find a way to comfort that person. Get your focus off your needs, and help meet someone else's.

Finally, learn to use feelings of loneliness as an opportunity to draw closer to God. A girl in her midtwenties who recently married told me that she saw loneliness as God's call to her heart. "When I felt lonely, I would think, "God is calling me back to Him,"" she told me. During these times she learned to pour out her heart to God and talk with Him. Now she wouldn't trade those intimate moments with God for the world.

he knows all things

The job of guarding our hearts is a big responsibility. It takes place in the secret places of devotion. In honest prayer and meditation on God's Word, we scrape the film of infatuation, lust, and self-pity from our hearts. And as with the Keeper of the Spring, the work is never done. We must police our hearts with "faithful, silent regularity"

Yes, our hearts are deceitful, but the promise of 1 John 3:20 gives us hope in our labor: "For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything." God's strength can help see us through the upheavals of our emotions. And we can take comfort in the knowledge that He doesn't view our plight from a distance, shaking His head at our weakness. Jesus, the Son of God who Hebrews 7:25 tells us "always lives to intercede" for us, has endured the same feelings of loneliness you and I have, and He understands how it feels to face temptation. He will help and sustain us as we trust in Him and faithfully guard our hearts.

chapter eleven what to Do when people ask why You don't play the dating game

One day, my seven-year-old brother, Brett, informed me matter-of-factly that Susie from Sunday

"Uh-huh," Brett said nonchalantly. "She named her teddy bear Brett, and she kisses it in church."

"She does what?"

"And she kissed me, too. She wants me to be her boyfriend."

"She what?"

Needless to say, there was a small eruption at the Harris home. My parents informed Brett that he didn't need to worry about having a girlfriend and that he shouldn't let girls kiss him.

This incident humorously illustrates something that's not always funny: pressure from others to pair up. You've probably felt it in one form or another. Whether from friends, family or even strangers, we all face the push to conform to our culture's expectations for relationships. Most people around us expect us to date; when we don't, they often challenge our standards, sometimes mock us, and always ask a lot of questions. How should we respond?

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In this chapter, I'd like to give you ideas for confidently communicating your decision to, at present, avoid dating. To do this, I'll give a few examples of situations you'll most likely face and some principles that can guide you through these predicaments.

scene one: confrontation in the school cafeteria Sean Missler sat in the school cafeteria, finishing his lunch of stiff French fries and a soft drink. As the other students cleared out, Randy Johnson walked up and greeted Sean with his typical self-assured smile.

"What's up, bro?" Randy asked as he sidled up to Sean's table.

"Not much. You want some fries?"

"Uh, no thanks," Randy said, after glancing at the cold potato sticks. "Listen, I wanted to find out who you're taking to the banquet. I'm going with Jenny, and I was thinking you and your date could come over to my house afterward. My mom said we could use the hot tub. Oh, my gosh, have you seen Jenny in a bathing suit? Yow! So, wha.a ya say?"

"Well, I don't know, Randy, I don't think..."

"Cmon, man! What about Melissa Summers? Now she is fine!"

"Look, Randy, I'm not going to the banquet, okay?"

"Not going?"

"Well, yeah. Andrew, Ben, and I were planning on taking my sister and a few girls from church to dinner then going to my house to play games and stuff."

"Games?"

"You don't date? what are Y. nuts?" 151 "Yeah, you know, Scrabble and stuff like that."

"Scrabble? I could set you up with Melissa, and you want to go out to dinner with your sister and a bunch of dateless losers and then play Scrabble? Buddy, you've lost your mind!"

"They are not losers! We just want to go out as friends. You go out with Jenny, but don't give me a hard time if I don't want to join you."

"Hey, I'm not down on your friends. But look, Sean, when was the last time you went out with someone--I mean, really went out with a girl? Man, now's the time to get the action going."

"Yeah, thanks for the advice," Sean said caustically as Randy stood up to leave.

When Randy reached the cafeteria door, he turned and called back, "Hey, Missler! I've got a great five-across word for your Scrabble game: FREAK!"

"Very funny," Sean said under his breath as his friends laughter faded down the hall.

humble, not snappy, answers

If you've ever faced a similar situation, then you know how aggravating it can be. But though it's not always easy, we have to learn to stand by our convictions without becoming bitter toward those who disagree with us or make fun of us. When we communicate our views to others, we need to watch ourselves so we don't come across as cynical, sarcastic, or defensive.

Mad magazine, known for its outrageous humor and general craziness, used to have a regular cartoon called "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions." The underlying premise of the cartoon was if someone asks a dumb question, he or she deserves an equally dumb answer. For example, one cartoon

152 joshua harris showed a person asking a girl who has a phone

We should communicate our convictions about dating with humility and from a desire to please God, not to put others down.

When we approach something differently from others, we can so easily fall into a defensive, critical mind-set. Some people I know (including myself, I'm afraid) have expressed our standards for dating smugly and self-righteously. These attitudes are completely wrong. We communicate and live by our convictions in order to please God and serve those around us, not in order to feel superior or to look down on others. God hates pride and self-righteousness, and we should avoid those attitudes whenever we discuss our standards.

scene Two: aunt tessi

"Orange, avocado, and gold," Sarah thought to herself. "Everything in my aunt's house is orange, avocado, or gold," she mused as she sipped ice tea from an old Care Bear collectors glass and stood in her Aunt Tessi's living room.

"You don't date? what are You, nuts?" 153 Just then her mother and Tessi entered from the kitchen. Tessi gave Sarah a hug. "Mmm, you smell good, SarahBarah," she said. "Where'd you get that pretty perfume?" And then, raising her eyebrow, "A boy?"

"Well, yeah," Sarah said mischievously as she plopped on the floor next to the coffee table.

Sarah's mom smiled as she made herself cozy on the couch.

"Who?" Tessi practically screamed. "Who is it? Are you keeping secrets from me? Who?"

"Dad!" Sarah said triumphantly.

"Ooh, you're such a tease," Tessi said as she joined Sarahs mom on the couch. "But now really,

"Oh, Tess, don't get started with that again," Sarahs mother said, coming to her rescue. "Sarah is only sixteen, and I've told you before that Robert and I don't want her to date. Kids get into so much trouble these days. Besides, Sarah's involved at church, and she wants to go to college. There's no point in getting distracted."

"She needs a boyfriend!" Tessi sang out as if she hadn't heard a word her sister had said. "She's such a beautiful girl; she shouldn't be deprived. Did I tell you that Angie is seeing the nicest boy from Clark College? They met at one of the sorority parties. He's studying to be a..." When Aunt Tessi got rolling, there was no point in trying to stop her. She would go on about Sarah's cousin's latest boyfriend for another half-hour before taking her next breath.

Sarah looked at her mom, who sighed and smiled at Sarah.

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Sarah's mom was used to Aunt Tessi too. The look in her eyes communicated support: "Don't worry, girl. You're on the right track; don't let this discourage you."

vindication Is overrated

When you decide to put off dating, you'll no doubt encounter someone like Aunt Tessi (if you're not already related to one) who doesn't care about logic, values, or biblical principles. You can argue and debate with this type of person until you're blue in the face, but he or she will still think you should immediately hop on the dating bandwagon.

When you interact with people like this, remember the following principle:

You don't have to prove someone wrong to do what you know is right.

Don't concern yourself with being right in others' eyes. And don't secretly hope that their lives will fall apart so that your opinion will be vindicated. Instead, concentrate on obeying God in your own life and, when possible, helping others to obey Him as well. You don't have to prove others wrong to continue on the course you know God has shown you.