I Take You (20 page)

Lee was staring at me, but he didn’t seem to hear a word I was saying. “Do you like him?”

“What? No!” I reached out and took his hand, which he’d drawn away. “I want to be with you.”

“You like him. You want to be with him.”

“No! I don’t even think of him that way.”

“Have you ever kissed him?”

I didn’t respond. Lee was leaning forward in his chair, watching me intently. One knee was bouncing up and down under the table.

“Lily. Did you kiss him?”

“He kissed me,” I admitted. “I didn’t like it.”

“Did you do it?”

“What?” I tried to sound confused. But of course I knew what he meant. I knew what
it
was.

“I saw you. You left me behind on purpose.”

“We didn’t, Lee! We—”

“Did you go off somewhere and do it?”

“No!”

“Tell me, and I won’t talk. I won’t confess. I just need to know.”

I felt trapped. Could I trust him not to talk if I told him the truth? Did I have a choice?

“What do you want to know?” I asked.

Lee swallowed hard. “Did you do it?”

I looked down, and then looked him in the eye.

“Yeah,” I said.

His face was perfectly blank. And that’s when I finally felt it, in my gut. He loved me. And I’d made him feel that way. I’d led him on. And now I’d broken his heart. Because he was fourteen years old, like me, and when you’re fourteen, everything is a tragic opera, everything is either the beginning of the world or the end of it.

He had to stop looking at me like that. I couldn’t stand it.

“It didn’t mean anything, Lee. It was stupid. I want to be with—”

“Okay,” he said. “It’s okay.”

“What’s okay?”

“It’s all okay. It’s fine. I won’t talk.”

I said a few more things to him. I tried to explain that it wasn’t for me, that it was better for all of us. But it was like he couldn’t even hear me. So eventually I left. As the screen door banged shut behind me, I could feel my spirits rising. We were in the clear. We weren’t going to get caught, everything was straight between me and Lee, and I could be with Teddy for real now, openly.

All of my problems had been solved.

A breeze puffs up out of nowhere, rippling the surface of the pool.

“Was that it?” Freddy asks.

“No.” The breeze fades away, the water stills. “About an hour later, Lee went to his parents’ closet, found his father’s handgun, and shot himself.”

Freddy inhales sharply.

I wish I could ease off the edge of the pool and into the water.

“When his parents came home, Lee was still alive.” I pause. “He died in the hospital the next day.”

I feel Freddy watching me, but I keep my eyes on the water.

“Teddy and I confessed everything. In one way, we were very lucky. This happened in August of 2001.”

“Jesus,” Freddy mutters.

“Jesus is right. If we’d pulled our little stunt a few months later I’d still be in jail. Instead, it was all over in a few days—the investigation, the lawyers, the social workers. My father flew down with his crack legal team, and Gran called in every favor she had. So did Ana. All my parents got involved—it’s when they finally put aside their differences and bonded. I appeared before a judge and made all sorts of promises, and my parents made all sorts of promises, therapists and curfews and special classes, and my father paid a shitload of money, and then he took me to New York with him. I had a nice stay at a fancy psychiatric hospital on Long Island, where a lot of doctors tried to find out whether whatever was so obviously wrong with me could be diagnosed and medicated away, which, sorry, no. After that, I went away to school.”

“What happened to Teddy?”

“His mom was furious—she blamed me for everything. My dad offered to pay for a lawyer for him, but she refused. Ultimately they made him go to some juvie school near Miami. We … we lost touch.”

“You didn’t see him again?”

“Not until two days ago.”

She’s silent for a moment. “It wasn’t your fault, Lily.”

“Lee had problems,” I say. “He probably suffered from depression, but his parents refused to deal with it. They turned out to be bonkers. His mom came up to me in court, as we were leaving. She grabbed my arm, and she got really close to my face and said, ‘I hope you have a child someday. And I hope you have to watch him die.’”

“Christ, Lily.”

I shrug. “Can you blame her?”

“But—”

“No, I didn’t pull the trigger, and yes, he was already messed up, but look, Freddy. If it weren’t for me, and my recklessness, and my cruelty, Lee would be a twenty-seven-year-old with mild depression and a wacko family. Not a kid who’s been dead for almost as long as he was ever alive.”

Freddy puts her arms around me. A cat saunters up to the edge of the swimming pool and bats at the water. Another breeze ripples the surface.

I can still hear his voice. I thought you liked me, he said.

I thought you liked me.

Freddy and I
watch the water for a while.

“Lily?” she says gently. “This is awful, I know. But let’s focus on the present. Is Will really going to care about all this? You were just a kid.”

I think about Monday night. About Will’s concern that we don’t know that much about each other. His specific questions about my childhood.

“Maybe not,” I say. “But if I don’t break up with him, his mother is also going to tell my law firm.”

“Which makes her a total bitch,” Freddy says. “But again, so what? They love you. You’ve been amazing for them.”

I press my palms to my eyes. “When you apply for admission to the bar, which is basically a license to practice as a lawyer, you have to disclose any past criminal offenses. Even offenses that have been expunged. They won’t necessarily stop you from being admitted,” I pause, “but if it later comes to light that you failed to disclose anything …”

Freddy understands in an instant. “Lily. No.”

“I screwed up! I screwed up, and if the firm finds out, they will fire me in a heartbeat. They could report me, and I could be suspended. Maybe even disbarred.”

She thinks for a moment. “But you don’t have to be a lawyer. Your family has money. You can do whatever you want.”

It’s sweet how she keeps trying to solve this. “I don’t like my job,” I say. “I love it. It’s the one thing I’ve ever wanted to do—the one thing I really feel suited for. Law school, working at the firm—those are the only challenges I’ve ever felt were made for me. And the only things I
haven’t screwed up yet. If I can’t do what I want to do, I don’t know what will happen, Freddy. I might … finally, truly lose it.”

We watch another cat stroll up to the edge of the water. This one dips a six-toed paw in, shakes it delicately and licks off a few drops of water. “You need to let Will go,” Freddy says.

I stare at her in disbelief. “And let his mom win? But she’s a bully!”

“This isn’t a contest, Lily. It’s your life.”

“It’s a contest
and
my life. I won’t let him go.”

“But you have so many doubts already, and—”

I shake my head firmly. “Not anymore. I’m fully committed.”

“Because you finally have some real opposition,” she says.

“Be on my side, Freddy. Please.”

“I
am.
You know I am. But no lie, my friend. You are in one serious motherfucking pickle.”

This makes me laugh, finally. There’s a sudden commotion inside the gift shop, and someone comes flapping toward us.

“Donna!” Freddy cries. “Join us, girlfriend! The water’s
amazing
!” Instead, she kicks us out. Freddy and I walk back to the hotel. She takes my arm. “I have to say, this feels like the key to all mysteries.”

“What’s that mean?”

She shrugs. “It’s no wonder you have such a hard time telling Will the truth. Look what happened the last time you were honest with a boy about sex.”

“It happened,” I say. “And it was terrible. And I think about it every single day. But it didn’t change me, Freddy. Look at what I was like before. Look at my dad. I was always going to be like this.”

We walk through the lobby, heading for the elevators, but then I stop. “Do you really want to cheer me up? Let’s go have a long, boozy lunch.”

“We can’t,” Freddy says. “Your mothers are waiting upstairs to watch you try on your wedding dress.”

“You’re joking.”

“Surprise?” she says.

I drop my head onto her shoulder.

Upstairs, I slip the key into the lock. “Game face,” Freddy whispers. I open the door.

“Surprise!” Mom, Ana, Jane and Gran are lounging around the room, picking at a bowl of fruit like a bunch of dissipated empresses.

“Ladies!” I cry. “Wow!”

I think it’s going to be hell, but it isn’t. Whether by agreement or chance, nobody starts nagging me about how I shouldn’t marry Will. They’ve probably given up and accepted the inevitable, at the very moment when it’s all become so very … evitable.

Right now they’re deep in the middle of their own gossip battle royale.

“Tell me,” Ana is saying. “Just tell me his name.”

“I’m not seeing anybody!” Mom cries.

“You’re blushing, Kat.” Jane peels an orange with her long, delicate fingers. “You couldn’t deceive a child.”

Freddy removes a garment bag from the closet. I pull my dress over my head. She hands me a blindfold.

“Seriously?”

I’ve never seen my wedding gown. Not a sketch, not a scrap of fabric.

“Last time,” she promises. “I want it to be perfect before you see it.”

I put on the blindfold. I hear Freddy unzip the bag.

“You’re glowing,” Ana accuses Mom. “You’re nuclear.”

“I’m not glowing!”

“You can’t lie to me. I’m too perceptive. It’s my Latina intuition.” Gran snorts. “You’re about as Latina as the girl on the raisin box.” There’s a swish of silk as Freddy removes the dress. Everyone falls silent.

“Jesus H. Christ,” Gran says.

“My goodness,” Mom whispers.

Ana laughs. “Freddy, you’ve got some balls.”

“Shh!” Freddy tells them. To me: “You’re going to step into it. Hand on my shoulder.” She pulls the dress up around me, slipping the sleeves up my arms.

“You’re the one who looks fabulous, Ana,” Jane observes. “You’ve gained a little weight since the fall.”

“Aha!” Mom cries. “You only eat when you’re happy. Who is he?”

I hear a knock, and someone opens the door. “Mattie!” Mom says. “Come in! Freddy is showing us the dress.”

Freddy buttons, prods, stretches and straightens. I pluck at the skirt. The fabric is so soft I almost can’t feel it. She bats my hand away. Then she tugs at the neckline. “Where did your boobs go?”

“I loaned them to Gregory Hemingway.”

Gran chuckles. “Did a little sightseeing this morning?”

“We have the walk-through at the Audubon House tomorrow,” Mattie is saying. “I’m very worried about the structural integrity of the porch. I heard on the news this morning about a wedding where the dance floor collapsed, and
eleven
people died!”

“Good God!” Mom cries.

“Five of them were
children
!”

“That was in Pakistan,” Ana says.

“Oh!” Mattie breathes a huge sigh of relief. “Thank
goodness
!”

Freddy is doing something complicated to the back of the dress. “In general, Lily has appalling taste,” Jane observes, “but I can see that she was right about you, Freddy.”

“I really was. You should give Freddy a bunch of money so that she can quit her job and start her own company.”

“Perhaps I shall.”

“She wouldn’t need much. And anyway, you and Nerge are still rolling in it, right?”

“His name is Serge,” Jane says. “As you know.”

“Where is he, anyway?”

“Bonn. He arrives tomorrow.”

Freddy tugs gently on the hem of the dress. “Can we return to the part of the conversation about someone giving me money?”

“You can’t take Serge’s money,” Ana tells her. “It’s tainted.”

“His granpappy was a Nazi,” I explain.

“He was a French collaborator,” Jane says serenely. “It’s entirely different.”

“Here we go.” Freddy turns me toward the mirror. She removes the blindfold.

I can’t believe what I see. The dress has tiny sleeves and a low-cut neckline. It’s fitted through the hips and then fans out to the floor, with a train in back. It’s got all sorts of pleats and tucks and little things I don’t even know the names of. It’s glamorous, and elegant, and sexy.

Which is all great, but not the unbelievable part. That would be the color.

The dress is not white, or ivory, or even champagne.

It’s a deep, rich, shimmering scarlet.

It’s a red wedding gown.

I gaze at myself in the mirror, in my wedding dress, and I realize that this is the moment that every girl dreams of. The moment when the fairy tale comes together.

But for me, the fairy tale is falling apart.

And it’s not because of Anita’s attempt to derail the wedding. Or because I’ve just dredged up the worst events of my life for Freddy. No, I’m thinking about the present. About my uncertainty, my vacillation. My doubts about getting married. My lies, the way I behave.

What kind of bride acts like I do?

What kind of
person
does?

I burst into tears. Everyone gasps.

Freddy looks horrified. “You hate it!”

“I love it!” I wail. “I absolutely love it!”

“Lily,” Freddy says softly. “Don’t.” She puts her arms around me.

“I’m sorry,” I sniffle. “I’m probably ruining the fabric.”

“Well, yes,” she says. “But that’s okay.”

“Pre-wedding jitters.” Mattie clucks sympathetically. “It happens to everyone.” That only makes me cry harder.

Ana stands up. “Come on, ladies. Circle of love time.”

They surround me and give me a big group hug.

“Don’t cry, honey,” Gran says.

“Izzie’s right.” Jane strokes my hair. “You know how your eyes puff up.”

“It’s going to be all right, Lilybear,” Ana says. “Whatever the hell is going on, it’s going to be all right.”

I pull myself together, eventually. I take off the dress, and Freddy packs it away. My mothers want to take me out to lunch, but I beg off. I tell Freddy I’m going to take a nap, and she reluctantly leaves.