I Think You're Totally Wrong (35 page)

DAVID:
To be very honest, in previous relationships with
either writers or visual artists, they would look to me to take care of them. I was supposed to be the strong, silent, competent, sane one. My reaction was always, You're not serious—you want me to be the rational one? No, I get to be the overanxious artist. A composer named David Del Tredici once said to me, “One Jesus child per family.”

CALEB:
I'm going to get them to take a picture of us.

DAVID:
Do you know them?

CALEB:
No.
(to a couple on their front lawn)
How you doin'?

WOMAN:
Great.

CALEB:
Could you do us a favor?

WOMAN:
Sure.

CALEB:
Take three or four. Click here.

WOMAN:
Do you want a close-up or far away?

CALEB:
Where we are will be fine. Great. Thanks.

MAN:
Where you guys off to?

CALEB:
Just taking a walk. I'm a journalist, and this guy I'm with is from out of state. Witness protection. His memoir is coming out—under a pseudonym, of course.

David laughs quietly
.

CALEB:
Seriously.

WOMAN:
Can we read about it?

CALEB:
Seattle Times
will have a piece out in about six months, timed to coincide with the book's release.

Sound of steps on gravel
.

CALEB:
Okay, let's talk about your past in the mob.

DAVID:
Bugsy Malone and I were like this.

CALEB:
Sunglasses, the black jacket, bald head. You kept silent, didn't give anything away with your high-pitched voice.

DAVID:
I don't think they bought it.

CALEB:
Probably not.

DAVID:
What do you think they're doing—just cleaning up their yard?

CALEB:
Kill two birds: clear out yard, stack firewood for the winter. I should have thought of a nickname for you.

DAVID:
If I were really in witness protection, you wouldn't have said that.

CALEB:
True.

DAVID:
Did you make all of that up on the spot?

CALEB:
Not very good improv.

DAVID:
Not bad.

CALEB:
Skykomish Witch Project.

DAVID:
I don't think that's our title, but I can see it being a line in the book. It's really turned out interesting, hasn't it? When we left, on Thursday evening, I was thinking it's perfectly possible we would come up empty.

CALEB:
I thought, Who knows? Maybe it'll be more of a writers' retreat than any big conversation. We'd get time to read and relax, but we didn't—

DAVID:
Don't you think we got what we wanted?

CALEB:
We've covered most of my concerns. My beefs are not so much with you as with artists in general. Writers today don't concern themselves with powerful and important topics. And I got to find out about you, see you in a different way.

DAVID:
How so?

CALEB:
Warmer. More friendly. Earlier you said there isn't a pretentious bone in your body, and now I see what you mean.

DAVID:
That's a nice thing to say. Thanks.

CALEB:
This is where you say something good about me.

DAVID:
I knew you were smart, but I had no idea you were this smart.

CALEB:
Some things, unfortunately or not, have to stay out of the final draft.

DAVID:
We pushed limits.

CALEB:
We can't betray everyone.

DAVID:
We can't?

CALEB:
We went as far as we could.

DAVID:
Some of our secrets need to stay secret.

CALEB:
You agree?

DAVID:
I guess.

Back at the house, preparing to leave
.

DAVID:
Obviously, I'm a sugar fiend. This is probably going to sound kind of weird, but one of the issues between us is control vs. loss of control: Apollonian vs. Dionysian. I'm a very moderate drinker. Only in the last couple of years have I even started to drink at all, although I now dearly love my bottle of Pike Kilt Lifter Ruby Ale every night. “Let the healing begin.” I don't know how to judge drinking, is what I'm trying to say. And I don't know how much you drank this morning. But I'm not totally comfortable with you driving us home.

CALEB:
Ah.

DAVID:
So I thought I would drive. But also, I wonder—do you not have any drinking issues? Am I totally misreading that? I'm such a nondrinker, but I thought if you drink heavily before lunch, isn't that supposedly a sign? Tell me if I'm totally off base.

CALEB:
Terry notices.

DAVID:
You seem like a great guy, but you've had three or four beers before lunch, and perhaps the weekend is, for you, a wonderful time to unwind or whatever. I'm just raising it as a boring Safety Patrol thing: Do you want me to drive? Secondarily, friend to friend, do you think you have your drinking under control, or is it a slight issue? A nonissue? Tell me your thoughts.

CALEB:
If this were coming from Terry I'd say—

DAVID:
“Fuck you?”

CALEB:
Well, no, I'd try to put on a legitimate defense. I woke up at seven thirty and had a beer when I mowed the lawn. I put a beer in the cup holder and took off. And then I had
a couple more as we cleaned up. One more after the hike. And I always tell Terry that a beer an hour—

DAVID:
Is a fun buzz.

CALEB:
She told me once, “I'll always remember our honeymoon in Belize. It was the first time I counted beers, and one day I counted twelve.” Sometimes, if we barbecue into evening and I've had eight beers, she'll say, “Caleb, you've had eight beers.” And I'll say, “It's been eight hours.” I think I'm fine to drive.

DAVID:
Okay, but your speech has gotten—

CALEB:
Am I slurring?

DAVID:
A lot.

CALEB:
Okay.

DAVID:
Again, Laurie makes fun of me, because if anyone drinks much at all, I always think they're roaring alcoholics.

CALEB:
And with my past …

DAVID:
Transvestites, car accidents, last night, the night before …

CALEB:
I've never had a DUI, never had an arrest or problem.

DAVID:
How is it in your life in general?

CALEB:
Terry says don't drink before five p.m.

DAVID:
Right.

CALEB:
Sometimes, you know, I'll have a beer before that, but I feel you.

DAVID:
I love how they say that in
The Wire
: “I feel you.” I'm not in any way judging it.

CALEB:
You should judge.

DAVID:
I'm not.

CALEB:
You're raising it.

DAVID:
I'm just saying, practically, do you want me to drive?

CALEB:
I see why you wanted to drive to the Cascadia last night.

DAVID:
The irony being you're probably a better driver drunk than I am sober.

CALEB:
I was freaking!

DAVID:
I was driving super slow.

CALEB:
Whenever a car came the other way, your right tire went well over the white line and onto the shoulder.

DAVID:
But there wasn't any harm over there, was there?

CALEB:
No.

DAVID:
I'm definitely a cautious driver. A granny driver. I just thought I'd bring it up.

CALEB:
I'm not an angry drunk. A foolish one, perhaps. On vacation in Mexico I'm able to maintain a buzz. You drink two beers quickly, you have a buzz, and then, for me, if I drink too much it becomes unpleasant.

DAVID:
Don't you need food in your system?

CALEB:
That matters. If I'm going too far, I drink a seltzer.

DAVID:
You do moderate it.

CALEB:
I brought a case of seltzer for this weekend. When we go to my in-laws', I'll alternate seltzers or colas with beer, and by the end of the night I drive home. Terry wouldn't let me drive if she didn't trust me, and she doesn't have as many opportunities to drink, so I'm usually the designated driver. However, I'm not sure why a buzz is pleasant, if it really is, or if I'm just escaping something.

DAVID:
You maintain.

CALEB:
It's the end of our four-day vacation.

DAVID:
It could be a weekend thing, for you. Obviously, I'm doing this partly to get a “moment.” It'd be a great ending.

CALEB:
An “I know you but not as well as I thought I did” moment.

DAVID:
Right. I can say, “You're an alcoholic.” You can say, “Oh my god, what a pain-in-the-assperger.”