If I Break THE COMPLETE SERIES Bundle (76 page)

“Guess,” she says, pouting her lips at him.

“I’m going to have fun with you tonight,” he says, leading her towards the exit.

“You have fun with me every night,” she teases back, her hands running up his back.

They exit the party where a dozen other people are waiting for their cars to be pulled around.

“We’ll have your car in just a moment, Mr. Scott,” one of the valets says with a glance their way. A moment later a black Porsche pulls around and he leads Lauren towards it.

Lauren thanks the valet as he opens the door for her. They drive for about 15 minutes with Lauren singing along to the radio.

“Babe, I’m going to have to pay for voice lessons or something. This singing off key thing isn’t sexy,” he jokes, and she swats him on the chest. A few minutes later, they’ve pulled up in front of a huge body of water. He gets out of the car, walks around to Lauren’s side and opens the door for her. He takes her hand and helps her out.

“The lakefront. Look at you being all romantic,” she kids, and he laughs. The car music is playing just loud enough for them to hear. He lets out a deep breath and I feel
my
heart speeding up.

“Have you ever wanted a different life?” he asks her solemnly.

“Sometimes. Doesn’t everyone?” she says, snuggling closer to him.

“If you could have the exact life that you always wanted, what would you do to get it?” he asks her, and she looks puzzled.

“You mean like rob a bank or something?” she jokes.

“No, not like that.” He laughs. “What if other people didn’t like the life you chose,” he asks.

“Since when do you care what other people think?” she asks, looking up at him curiously.

“It’s not about me. It’s about you,” he says quietly.

“It’s hard to answer that question. I like my life. I’m not rich or famous or anything, but I’m happy,” she says seriously. She stares off over the lake and his gaze follow hers.

“You make me happy,” she says quietly taking his hand. I feel a smile spread across
my
face.

“If things ever got hard, would just being with me make you happy?” he asks her and she frowns.

“I’m not here for the expensive restaurants and fancy cars,” she jokes before kissing him on the cheek, and he laughs.

“If you lost your job and became a hobo that had to ask for money on corners, I’d still love you,” she says, squeezing his hand.

He laughs. “You’d live in a cardboard box with me?”

“No, but I’m sure after I graduate I could afford a two bedroom place for us,” she jokes.

“What if I were sick? Would you take care of me?” he asks her.

“Are you sick, Cal?” She asks seriously.

“No. These are just rhetorical questions,” he tells her, and relief washes over her.

“I’d be the best nurse you ever had,” she says.

“You wouldn’t bail on me if things got rough or hard,” he asks, and she starts to giggle.

“Is this your way of telling me we’re going to have rough hard sex on the hood of your car?” She giggles.

“Is that all you want from me, Ms. Brooks? I’m deeply offended.” He chuckles and realizes she’s a little too drunk to have a conversation like this.

She slides off the hood of the car and stands in front of him. It’s warm out, the breeze from the water blows her hair. She steps out of her shoes, kicks them away, then reaches underneath her dress and slips off her underwear. She saunters back over to the car and climbs on his lap, takes the handkerchief out of his pocket and replaces it with her underwear.

“I’m going to have to find out what champagne that was,” he says as she undoes his pants…

“Christopher,” Jenna’s voice jolts me back to reality.

This one at least.

“Are you okay?” she asks, her hand on my cheek.

I nod. “Was I out here long?” I ask, worried that I’d been standing here like a zombie for I don’t know how long.

“Like ten minutes,” she says. “What’s wrong?” she asks nervously.

“Do I look like something’s wrong?” I respond.

“I wouldn’t have asked if you seemed fine,” she says, taking my hand and leading me towards the car. I feel guilty about holding her hand, the same hands that were just all over Lauren, not literally, but I swear I can still feel the heat of her skin.

We get in the car. I know I’m quiet. There are so many thoughts running through my head. What Cal said to Dex about keeping secrets for him, I wish I knew what those secrets were. With Dexter, it could range from something small to something big. I try to forget the emotions that coursed through me when he was with Lauren. I felt how sincere he was when he said he
needed
her.

I think back to when my mom was sick and the slump I was in, how I felt dead inside, like I was in mourning. Now, I think part of that was, because
he
lost Lauren. We were both in mourning, lost and dying inside. I shake that thought because that makes him too real. That makes me see him as a person and not a selfish asshole, something other than the villain.

I glance over at Jenna.

“You look tired,” she says quietly and I nod.

“Did she help you pick out what you wore tonight?” Her words hang awkwardly in the air.

“Yeah,” I admit, and she lets out a deep breath, her hands gripping the steering wheel tightly.

“My mom was asleep...” I start to explain.

“It looked nice, but it’s not you,” she interrupts me. I loosen the tie and take it off.

We don’t say much else for the rest of the ride. When she pulls in front of my house, I lean over to kiss her and she gives me a quick peck on the lips before I get out of the car.

“FYI, I don’t want her picking out your ties, your shirts, what you eat or the name of our future children!” she says, her anger increasing with each syllable.

“You’re right. I’m sorry, Jenna,” I say, and she looks away from me.

“God, how could you be so insensitive?”

“I didn’t think it was a big deal. I wanted to look nice at the party for you!” My excuse sounds pathetic, even to me.

“You’re not my arm candy! I wouldn’t have cared if you showed up wearing stripes and polka dots. Nothing that you do with her is ever going to make me happy unless you’re telling me she’s signing the divorce papers.” She hits the button to unlock the doors, cueing me to make my exit.

“This is the last argument I want to have about her, Chris. I am so serious,” she says as I get out of the car. I don’t say I’m sorry because that’ll make things worse. The best thing I can do is give her time.

I know I was wrong. What makes me feel worse is that I
wanted
Lauren’s help.

I planned on talking to Jenna about what I remembered but that’s a really bad idea now. I can’t talk to my parents and I don’t trust any of the doctors I’ve ever seen. I want to talk to Lauren about it but that doesn’t seem like the best idea either.

I decide to text Lisa instead and ask her to meet me tomorrow. I make my way into the house. My dad’s at the table with a cup of coffee and a newspaper.

“How was the fundraiser?” he asks, and I groan. I decide to check the fridge to see if there’s any leftovers I can take upstairs to finish off before bed.

“You want to have a seat, son?” he says in a tone that implies I’m not about to enjoy this conversation. I begrudgingly take a seat.

“I’m sure you’re aware your mother and I have disagreed on the issue of Lauren staying here,” he says quietly, and I nod. I heard them earlier; it was a lot more than just a disagreement.

“I think it’s best if you established some type of boundaries between the two of you,” he says genuinely, and I have to stop myself from laughing. Sometimes I swear he thinks I’m a kid.

“You’re not serious are you?” I am not having this conversation with him tonight.

“I’m very serious, Chris. When you first started therapy, your doctors told us about certain things that could possibly cause…” He sighs.

“Cause what?” I ask him more forcefully.

“Cal to come back,” he says bluntly. “The official word is trigger.” He sighs and I feel my face harden.

“Certain things that, for whatever reason, cause him to resurface.” He lets out a deep sigh. I shake my head. I really need to find a doctor ASAP because there’s so much I don’t know about this. Triggers. I think of the instances where I’ve started to remember things when he was in control, and wonder what caused them. The good thing is, it didn’t trigger him to come back. They are just memories. I look at my dad and try to bury my anger and frustration. It’s getting harder and harder to do that and I don’t know why. I’ve forgiven him for everything that has happened but whenever he starts to speak to me, I instantly feel bitter. I hate that. My dad is my best friend… or he was. Now it’s hard to tolerate being with him for longer than a couple of minutes.

“Dad, if Lauren was a trigger for Cal to come back, he already would’ve.” I get up from the table and head towards the stairs.

“Chris, I don’t think you’re taking this as seriously as you need to,” he says sternly. I stop and turn around.

“I think you’re taking this seriously enough for the both of us,” I say, and he’s shocked.

I’m shocked.

It’s what I wanted to say but usually there’s a filter between the things I want to say and the things I actually say. I walk up the stairs. I should feel bad or guilty, but I don’t.

I feel good.

B
efore I came here, I thought Chris was simple, understated, and transparent, a ‘what you see is what you get,’ kind of guy. No motives or hidden agendas, and since he doesn’t have all of that, he’d be easy to read. That’s what I thought up until yesterday. Not only is he hard to read, but his signals are all over the place. One minute, I think he wants me to stay as far away from him as possible. The next it’s as if he doesn’t even want me to leave the room. The difference with Cal was that he only let me see what he wanted me to see, which was frustrating but easier to deal with. I only had two directions to go in: his or mine. Chris isn’t good at hiding
any
of his emotions; they’re all over the place, sending out multiple signals in various directions all at once.

It’s so confusing. One minute when I’m ready to give up on him, on Cal, he does something that makes me want to hold on to what could be. It gives me hope. But the heavy reality is that he doesn’t know what he wants. Which is good and bad, and
I’m
already confused enough for ten people. His confusion is something that I really can’t deal with. It’s too easy to see and too difficult to figure out. After the disaster of meeting Jenna, I was ready to give up. Not because what
she
said really affected me, but that little truth in her words keeps creeping into my thoughts.