If Not For You (38 page)

Gage reached out and grasped onto my forearm. “Tandy, I love you. Tell me you won’t let this tear us apart,” he said, begging me for an answer with pleading eyes.

“I need a drink, a strong drink will you get me one?...Give me few minutes and I’ll be right back.” I stood calmly and headed for the only place I could be alone, the bathroom.

I couldn’t stand to look at the refection in the mirror, so I never took my eyes off of the taps while I flushed my face with water. With great composure and a profound sedated feeling in my soul, I strolled into the shower stall, turned the water on and slid my back down the wall sitting with my chin on my knees under the spray and let the flood gates open. For several long minutes I just let go, trying to come to terms with the words Gage had spoke.

My father had betrayed me plain and simple, not Gage. That bastard knew my wishes but had ignored them, to protect me, was that what Gage had said? No. It was to maintain control over me. Yes, that was his ultimate goal. When would he ever let me grow up and be free? Only when I was dead I supposed.

I heard the magnetic seal on the glass door pop open and glanced up at Gage’s sweet sad face. He didn’t say a word, just slipped off his shoes and stepped inside, closed the door and sat down beside me. Both of us fully clothed, I climbed onto his lap and straddled him. I cupped his face in my hands and studied his eyes those beautiful blue eyes, for many long minutes.

Sad was gone replaced by love, his eyes told me so. I felt a renowned commitment to this man, the commitment I made the night we shared in each other for the first time. He exposed his all to me tonight, emptied his heavy chest of the burden he bared all because of my father and I felt an unfathomable devotion to him, a devotion that showed in his eyes as well.

I tucked my arms between us and snuggled into him. “I love you.” I said in a sigh. His arms closed around me and I cried until no more tears would come and the water grew cold.

***

A trail of wet clothing from the shower to the bed told the tale that I had set my sights on forgiving Gage. I ran my hands over his chest and stared into his eyes as I kissed each letter spelled out on his flesh in bold black ink, and he wove his fingers into my hair blinking his acknowledgement.

My tongue played with the loop in each of his nipples and Gage’s eyes closed, when I tugged a ring with my teeth they flew open and he held my stare as my tongue moved deliberately lower over his pecs to the trailing V at his hips.

He was hard and waiting, I took great delight in flicking my tongue over the tip of his engorged cock. It twitched with each swipe and his moans pleased me. I loved what I could do to him. He was far too large for me to take him in much past the head of his penis, but he had patiently coached me threw the finer details of giving him the most pleasure possible. I hadn’t realized men had a G spot until he had enlightened me. Gage was a very skilled teacher and by his response I had graduated at the top of my class with honors.

“Oh, fuck baby.” He stirred his hips as I increased the pressure at the base of his sac, his fingers wove into my hair as he mewled like it was somehow painful in the most delicious way. “You’re killing me with that sweet mouth of yours…that’s it, right there, oh yeah,”

Tugging at my hair was his warning to me that he was getting close and I wasn’t quite ready to experience the full taste of his essence as of yet and he knew this, he wouldn’t force me. I released him and kissed my way up to his lips, his tongue darted past my lips in a fevered exploration of my mouth, his hands roving up and down my back, his moans matching mine.

We were loud, we never held anything back and if we felt it, we let it be well known. Anyone passing by the room would have absolutely no doubts as to what was going on behind my stateroom door. I took great pride in the fact that we had healthy sexual appetites and Gage had the stamina of a god, always bringing me to multiple orgasms, until I begged him to stop. He took great pride in trying to set me a blaze.

I straddled his hips and directed his cock into my opening, slowly and gently until I adjusted to his size and then he took over, like always, eager to use my hips for leverage as he thrust hard. I threw my head back and panted, as friction played deliciously against that wonderful spot within. Another letter to add to my sexual alphabet as I cried out “don’t stop!” Gage twisted his hips and scrutinized my face intently, as I flew over the edge and trembled as the orgasmic waves reeled through me.

“You look so fucking gorgeous when I make you cum.” he said, with that filthy mouth and then spun me onto my back. Positioning a pillow under my butt, he held under my knees to force me open to him, and I let out a gasp as he plunged in ever deeper.

Loud grunts echoed through the room as Gage rammed into me, forcing my body up to the headboard until I was forced to push my hands against it so my head wouldn’t be slammed into it and I laughed at our predicament.

“Funny, baby?” he asked, with a laugh and spun me effortlessly onto my belly, adjusted the pillow again and slid his cock between my folds. Like a man possessed, he was rough and almost brutal in his attack and I writhed beneath in delight.

His hands held tight onto the cheeks of my ass, I could feel his fingertips bruising my flesh. His fingers released, then smoothed slowly up my spine, closely followed by his lips as he kissed each vertebra individually. I felt his fingers spread out as they caressed the nape of my neck and then entwined into my hair and fisted it in a deliberate move, tugging lightly. I let out a loud gasp, so not expecting him to be so aggressive but enjoying the thrill of it all.

“Too rough baby?” he whispered, behind a growl.

“Oh God…no…I…” Each word forced out with each battering ram.

“You like it, baby?” he asked, the sound of skin slapping skin amongst moans, growls and groans, the firm grasp on my hair pulling my head back, all stirred together in wonderful animalistic excitement.

“Ohhh….” My jaw gaped open and I gasped for each breath. When Gage reached his other hand around and fingered my clit, I was gone. Completely and totally gone, I cried out an agonizing sound when I plummeted off the cliff and shook violently through my climax, crumbling under his weight.

“That’s it baby you rest while I finish.” Gage barely verbalized as he stroked into me a few more times and then held deep while his seed burst hot inside, once, twice, three times and he collapsed at my side.

***

When my eyes opened sometime later, the room was lit only by the glow from the bathroom light. I was covered with a sheet, a fluffy pillow under my head and I could smell coconut. I rolled to see Gage watching me, his head resting on his hand lying on his side and he smiled. Yep, that wonderful dimpled smile.

“Hi,” he said softly, intertwining his fingers with mine.

I stretched my free arm into the air and yawned, “Hi. I guess I fell asleep on you. I was more tired than I thought.” My spine crackled, it felt good to get the knots out after the intense love making session.

“That’s okay. We were a little more
energetic
than usual. You were a wild woman,” he teased.

“I could say the same about you.” My hand stroked the rough stubble on his chin. I rubbed it and concluded that I liked him scruffy. Clean shaven was nice when the occasion called for it, but his facial hair was downright sexy.

“I did get a little carried away didn’t I? But you seemed to be enjoying yourself, like it a little dirty eh? You like a bit of the kink?”

“I like it all ways with you,” I told him, “you know what you do that really turns me on?”

He shook his head no, sucked his bottom lip between his teeth and grinned, “why don’t you tell me baby, so I can do it every time I fuck you?” he whispered, his lips so close that the heat from his breath moistened my ear.

“That, what you just did and the vulgar things you say and the way you whisper them breathlessly is the biggest turn on for me. Whether you take your time and go oh so slow, or you race to the finish like a madman, that filthy mouth does it for me every time…Just so you know.”

“Good to know,” he muttered as he caressed his lips against my bare shoulder, “you barely say a thing, but ohhh the noises that you make…that does it for me.” He brought my hand to his lips and kissed each fingertip and then moved in for a long seething kiss. When his lips broke free I could still feel the burn.

“That was nice,” I said, rolling on my side to face him.

We lay quietly and enjoyed the time to just be at peace. I listened to him breath beside me, soft even breaths. Gage’s thumb rubbing the inner flesh of my wrist felt nice.

He was becoming my safe place, my haven, my refuge, an anchorage, this was a dangerous place. Was I ready for that? Was he? Only time would tell. Time wasn’t really what I had a lot of, it was limited, and I knew I’d have to use it well. For when the time came, I’d just have to untie the strings from my heart, knot them into a bundle and walk away. As hard as it was going to be, this chick wasn’t taking Gage home and she certainly wasn’t involving him in her will-she-make-it-or-won’t-she journey.

Gage brushed my cheek with his hand, waking me from my thoughts, “We’re okay? I mean we’re really okay? Can we get past what I did, can you get past it?”

“Yeah, we’re okay. I won’t lie and tell you it doesn’t hurt, because it does. But, I’ll get over it, I always do. I’m not mad at you though, you’re merely a pawn, one of my father’s many pawns. He’s the one to blame for my pain.”

“I wish I had told you sooner, I wanted to.” His hand rested on my collar bone and he ran his thumb back and forth across my neck, causing goose bumps to form on my skin.

“Would it have made a difference if you told me a week ago? I don’t think so. The facts are the facts, you had a job to do and you did it.”

“But that’s the thing, I didn’t do my job. I crossed the line the first night, I broke a promise to your old man and closed the gap between you and me before it even had time to open. I was supposed to stay away from you. He’ll never trust me to do another job. I’m basically a dead man. He’s going to fire me, boot me out on my ass and if I’m lucky, that’s all he’ll do.”

“How will he find out? I’m not telling him fuck all. The cocky redhead has been paid off and I can’t imagine you’d be inclined to tell your boss that you fucked his virgin daughter’s brains out repeatedly.”

“That was disgusting coming out of that pretty little mouth of yours,” he chastised, tapping my lips with his index finger. “My lips are sealed, baby. You couldn’t pry it from them with a crowbar.”

“Then there’s nothing more to say about it. What would I gain by walking away or being angry with you?” I shrugged my shoulders and rolled onto my back, quite satisfied that this nightmare was over, with just one more tempest for me to battle through.

“So you forgive me? Or do you have regrets? Because I’d hate to think you have regrets about us.”

I placed my hand over our shared tattoos and smiled. “They say regrets are better left unspoken, but so you know, I regret nothing with you and there’s nothing to forgive.”

Day 19

Mykonos, Greece

The sun was scorching, the sand blistering under our feet and the turquoise water was so clear you could see schools of fish far off in the distance from the shore. At least we had the bamboo covered umbrellas that lined the beach to shelter us. The beach was called Paradise and did not disappoint, it was beautiful, luxurious and absolutely picturesque.

I watched as Gage was having a lesson in windsurfing, glad that he had stopped begging me to join in after only a few attempts, leaving me to ogle him as he maneuvered the sail and each muscle in his body was put on a gorgeous display.

The thoughts of my father and his trickery were still at the forefront of my mind as we walked along the narrow cobblestone streets, passing the whitewash buildings and the many, many churches. I found it difficult to pay attention to much else.

Out front of one church in particular, a little hunched over lady, dressed all in black with a thin veil and a rosary weaved in her hand approached me. Gage shrugged with a smile as she took me by the hand and led me inside the tiny structure. She nattered on incessantly in Greek and crossed her chest and kissed her fingers over and over as we moved to the front pews and she forced me to kneel with her.

She unhinged me at first. I wanted to pull away and remove myself, so not a religious person. Sure I believed in a higher power, a being, maybe God, but I had grown cynical and questioning as my illness progressed. The only thing I pictured in my mind was a black, dark silence and a terrifying sense of unknown, nothingness; an unending abyss, a nonexistence. No bright lights, no pearly gates and angels with fluffy white wings and halos, just a lonely silent blackness and fear.

But sitting with her there was calm, a stillness and peace seemed to pull the heavy weight from my head and give me relief for the moment. The constant ache that had plagued me for months lifted and when I took a deep breath I felt my lungs fill to capacity. My heart swelled in my chest and tears spilled over my cheeks, uncontrollable tears, not from fear or anxiety or even sadness, but a calming contentment.

The veiled woman put her hand on mine and smiled, her eyes sparkled from under the shroud and her words, though I understood nothing else, etched into my brain. “Force him not away, for he will help heal you,” she pointed to the doorway where Gage stood watch over us.

She took the rosary she had wrapped around her hand and slipped it over my head with a toothless smile. I protested but she put up a hand stopping me. I held the silver filigree cross between my fingers and studied it. Each turquoise and soft pink pearl was joined by a tiny silver link leading to a medallion of some kind and Saint Christopher came to mind since it was the only one I knew of. It looked old and antique but so beautiful. The woman kissed each cheek and left without a word.