If You Had Controlling Parents (23 page)

F
ew issues cause more concern and confusion for those who grew up controlled than forgiveness.

I believe forgiveness is optional. Forgiving may aid healing or it may slow it down. For some, forgiving—and, more important, letting go—is freeing and healing. Others never forgive and still heal.

It takes courage to forgive, because it means letting go of part of your identity as a wounded person—a role that may have served to break denial and start your healing. Forgiving, then, may feel like you're abandoning hard-fought recognition of how you were wounded and what it cost you.

Yet it also takes courage not to forgive, if done consciously, in order to explore your feelings so that you can set them free. Doing this may mean that you have to tolerate many difficult feelings on your way to a resolution.

Many myths surround our conceptions of forgiveness.

Myth #1: Forgiving means forgetting
.

Reality: You will probably always remember abusive
    parental control.

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting or excusing, nor does it mean denying your wounds. It means acknowledging a wrongdoing, experiencing the feelings connected with being wronged, and, after a period of time that only you can determine, letting go of actively holding the
wrongdoing against the wrongdoer. Forgiveness includes letting go of a belief or illusion that things “should” or “could” have been different. Forgiveness can restore your general sense of trust and love to what it was before you were hurt, though you may never again fully trust the specific person who hurt you.

You may find it helpful to distinguish between the
content
of what parents said or did and the
intent
behind their actions, as Cocola and Matthews suggested in
How to Manage Your Mother
. Even though your parents may have hurt you, it's possible that their intent was to protect you, as an act of love.

Myth #2: Forgiving is the answer in any troubled relationship
.

Reality: For some, forgiveness is unwise or impossible.

Forgiveness can be a trap, Forward writes in
Toxic Parents
. While it is important to let go of a desire for revenge, which can work against emotional well-being, you never have to forgive or absolve someone who betrayed you. Forgiveness often does not enhance healing and can even be a form of denial, writes Forward, who suggests forgiving only if the person who wrongs you does something to earn forgiveness, such as acknowledging what happened and seeking to make amends.

Myth #3: The sooner you forgive, the better
.

Reality: Premature forgiveness can reinjure you.

Premature forgiveness can be especially injurious if it leads you to dishonor your feelings, ignore the truth, or do things for others that hurt your own best interests. These may be the very things you were forced to do in childhood.

Wayne Muller writes in
Legacy of the Heart: The Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood
, “Forgiveness, while it may bring healing, has its own timing. It should be nurtured and invited, but never pushed. Any fear and rage must be honored and allowed to be true for as long as it is present. The heart knows when it is ready to forgive” (13).

Pressuring yourself to forgive can interfere with healing. It may be helpful to give yourself a grace period—six months, a year—with no pressure to forgive. During that time, you may attain forgiveness or you may not. But resolution comes more freely without pressure; you were pressured enough growing up. Parents or friends may become irritated with you for not being ready to forgive or for choosing not to forgive. “Let bygones be bygones,” they urge. Their comments, how
ever well-intentioned, often reflect their own discomfort rather than your needs. Never forget, your timetable is your own. Nobody else can determine it.

Myth #4: Forgiveness doesn't count unless you tell the person
    you've forgiven
.

Reality: Forgiveness can be done silently or proclaimed verbally.
    What counts is that
you
hear it.

As a child, you may have been prevented from making choices that were in your best interests. Forgiveness is just such a choice. It may or may not include continued contact: You can cut contact with your parents and still forgive them; you can remain in contact and never forgive them.

You may want to forgive only after receiving a parental commitment that from now on your relationship will be respectful. You can hold your relationship with your parents to the same standard you hold other friendships; if it's a two-way relationship of trust, respect, communication, and acceptance, it's worthwhile. Otherwise, forget it.

Myth #5: Forgiveness is done for others
.

Reality: Forgiveness is most freeing when it is done for you.

Your goal is to find greater peace and relationships that nurture you. Forgiving or not forgiving is an act of self-interest, not something you “should” do because it's “right.” Sometimes, not forgiving can cause pain because it leads to suppressing your love for your parents, which Bloomfield in
Making Peace with Your Parents
calls a core need. “By holding on to…resentments, [we] surrender control over [our] own emotional well-being to the person who hurt [us] in the first place,” Bloomfield writes (28).

Myth #6: Forgiving is a permanent act that takes away the hurt
.

Reality: Forgiving is not all or nothing.

Forgiving doesn't mean you will never again feel turmoil about what was done to you. You may seesaw, feel sorry for your parents, realize their hardships and limitations, then remember the full extent of their mistreatment. It's important to take your time, explore your feelings, and protect yourself along the way, as therapist Mike Lew suggests in
Victims No Longer
. Forgiving is a pardon, not an exoneration, he
writes, and it isn't all or nothing—
you can forgive a little
. Few people totally complete the task of forgiveness, even when they want to.

Forgiveness is a process with its own twists and timing. It's important to let the process unfold and have faith that it will do so. Muller's words can be a helpful guide:

 

What we are forgiving is not the act—not the violence or the neglect, the incest, the divorce or the abuse. We are forgiving the actors, the people who could not manage to honor and cherish their own children, their own spouse, or their own lives in a loving and gentle way. We are forgiving their suffering, their confusion, their unskillfulness, their desperation and their humanity (11)
.

Letting Go

Emotionally letting go
can be something that is more helpful to focus on than forgiveness. Letting go means making relative peace with your feelings and memories of being hurt. Seen in this light, forgiveness is only an optional method for letting go. It helps some let go; it doesn't help others. You can let go by forgiving; you can let go without forgiving—it's your ball game. It's possible simply to overlook parental abuse and remain loyal. It's also possible to withdraw and blame. But both paths involve little conscious choice because they are
reactions
.

Bear in mind that it's of the utmost importance to honor yourself. You were forced into things as a child; don't force yourself into an artificial timetable now. A period of limited contact with controlling parents may or may not be wise. Some people can let go only after achieving a safe distance from parents; others can let go while living with their parents. Setting good boundaries between you and your parents, of course, helps the letting-go process. It's harder to forgive someone by whom you still feel engulfed or rejected. And as I've said, seeking a supportive sounding board is crucial to healthy separation.

There is no easy way to measure when you've mourned enough. Give yourself enough time to explore feelings so scary they went underground. Some people know viscerally that they are not ready to forgive, just as others know when they have been identifying for too long with a “victim stance” in a way that is more constricting than healing. It can be difficult to differentiate between the discomfort that comes from grappling with forgiveness and the discomfort of being emotionally stuck for too long. Trust yourself.

Stories of Forgiveness

Here are some ways in which those interviewed faced the issue of forgiveness and letting go.

“Slow and Gentle”: Evelyn

Evelyn's process of forgiving her Abusing father was “slow and gentle.” The forty-six-year-old nurse eventually forgave her father as well as her Childlike mother who allowed the abuse, but she is glad she allowed herself to take as long as she needed: “I feel strongly that people go too fast into forgiveness. Having enough time to feel angry was important to me. I had to blame. I had to feel like a victim.”

Evelyn's anger on the subject of forgiveness became a useful barometer: “As long as I still got angry when someone mentioned forgiving, I knew I wasn't ready to forgive.” Eventually, anger faded and acceptance came in.

By letting forgiveness happen at its own pace, Evelyn balanced her father's bullying. By letting herself explore all aspects of forgiveness before making a choice, she balanced her Childlike mother's emphasis on always having to be certain.

Mother's Request for Forgiveness: Brenda

Her mother's request for forgiveness made the difference for Brenda, the fifty-four-year-old homemaker who was the daughter of grimly serious Perfectionistic parents who criticized her when she laughed or was happy. Brenda's mother went into therapy and subsequently asked her daughter for forgiveness for emotionally abusing her. “That was really important to me because I was willing to forgive her if she was at least trying,” Brenda says. “I believe we all do the best we can. Given my mother's horrible childhood, she didn't have much to do the best with.”

Understanding Opened the Way: Sally

For Sally, the thirty-five-year-old computer programmer, understanding paved the way to forgiving her Smothering father who refused to acknowledge her coming out as a lesbian: “I forgive my father because I understand him. I value a lot of what I got from him. I am a lot like him. I am subject to some of the same pitfalls and I try to take a forgiving attitude toward myself.” Over time, Sally has found herself less reactive and more compassionate toward her father. “I haven't hated my father in a long time,” she says wistfully. “Mostly I
feel sad for him. He doesn't have the tools to be happy. He's been waiting to die since he was fifty.”

Sally foresees eventually taking care of her parents if they become too ill to care for themselves: “I can't imagine saying, ‘Time to go to the nursing home. See you at the funeral.' I'd like to think I'd find a balance between their needs and mine.”

Will Not Forgive: Deirdre

Deirdre, the thirty-six-year-old office manager whose Perfectionistic, Cultlike stepmother brutally controlled her, will not forgive. “My stepmom thinks she has a good relationship with me,” Deirdre says. “It's untrue. I've built a big wall around me and she doesn't get inside anymore. I don't tell her anything I don't want her to know.”

A key resource in Deirdre's healing has been conversations with her sister: “She and I have two-hour conversations about how angry we are with our stepmother. It's nice to have a sister as an ally.”

“When my stepmom dies, I think I'll feel unchained,” Deirdre confesses. “A few years ago, I probably couldn't have said I'd feel relief at her death. But now I can say it and I don't have a sense of guilt.

“I try to tell myself she is who she is. She won't change, and the past can't change. I can't confront her because she denies everything. Maybe someday I'll forgive her. But I am still angry and I cannot forgive her now.”

Struggles with Forgiveness: Patty

With both parents dead, Patty, the fifty-three-year-old counselor, struggles with forgiveness: “I cannot forgive my father for humiliating me sexually or threatening to burn me with a cigarette. I'd feel like a traitor to that little girl who suffered all those things if I forgave him.”

Instead of concentrating on forgiving her Abusing, Depriving father, Patty focused on healing the pain he caused: “Forgiving my father would honor him, which I am not ready to do. Focusing on healing myself honored me.”

Not Ready to Forgive: Rosemary

Rosemary, the fifty-five-year-old manager whose Abusing, Using mom would punch her, then rehearse her daughter in telling outsiders that she'd walked into a door, freely states, “I am not ready to forgive. It is heart-wrenching but I enjoy denying my parents me. Why should I be there for them because they want me around? Why should I forgive and forget? I have wished my mother dead many times. That's the
saddest thing a child can say about a parent, but it's true. I don't miss her. I can't say I love her. I want to, and sometimes I do say ‘I love you' and mean it, but my other feelings are so strong.”

Internal Parents: Magda

Magda, the thirty-six-year-old civil servant whose immature, Using father got her birthday toys he wanted to play with, tries to focus on forgiving her internal rather than actual parents: “The parents in my head may not be the actual parents I had, but they're the archetypes. I may never be able to entirely forgive my actual parents but I can do anything I want with the parents in my head. They are the ones I
can
forgive.”

   
Potential Risks of Forgiveness:

• If premature or forced, can emotionally reinjure you or slow your healing
  
• Can be a form of denial, rationalization, or minimizing
  
• Can lead to disappointment over lost illusions and unfulfilled expectations
  
• Cannot prevent future attacks or control by parents