Illegal

W
E ARE ALL IMMIGRANTS
.

Prologue

1
Mensajes

2
Velas Malolientes

3
Los Lentes

4
Banco de Nada

5
Tipo de Cambio

6
La Voz

7
Aspirina y Aceite

8
Cartas

9
Las Decisiónes

10
Via

11
Highway 59

12
The Lion and the Lamb

13
Sanctuary

14
Ponytails

15
Eye of the Beholder

16
Paper Products

17
Wishing and Hoping

18
Legal or Not?

19
Pounding the Pavement

20
The Patron Saint of Liars

21
Mr. Mann

22
Lessons Learned

23
Food

24
Still Here

25
Translation

26
Tough as Rock

27
July

28
Metro

29
No More

30
Brave

31
Punishment

32
The Truth About Tall Buildings

33
A Cruel Joke

34
A Smell in the Air

35
Mr. Bubble

36
Free Fall

37
Frozen

38
Unmarked

39
Spitting and Stealing

40
Qué Onda Guero

41
Bonfire

42
Telenovelas

43
Lost and Found

44
Sweet and Sour

45
All Good Things

46
Saying It Out Loud

47
Pronunciation

Epilogue
—Next Year

Glossary

Acknowledgments

About the Author

Credits

Copyright

About the Publisher

THREE YEARS EARLIER

“When will you be back?” I asked, holding Papa's hand at the bus stop.

Worry coated Papa's face. “As soon as I can earn enough money.”

“Should I get a job too?” I asked. “I could see if they need help in the church.”

Papa's eyebrows drew together over his glasses. “No. Your job is not to grow up until I get back.” He cupped my chin in his hand and his eyes brimmed with tears.

I reached up and pulled off his glasses to clean
them with the edge of my cotton skirt. “Ignacio's papa never came back. Then her family left.” What if that happened to us?

Mama shuffled her sandaled feet in the dusty road and cleared her throat. “Arturo, the bus will be here soon.”

“Why can't we go with you?” I felt the dryness of the land crawling into my throat. “I promise I won't be a burden. Mama can stay here to take care of Grandma and the orchard. Please, don't go.”

Mama smoothed the stray hairs from my braid. “Nora, we talked about this. You can't go with Papa. We all agreed this is for the best.”

“I didn't agree. I don't even want presents for my birthday or a communion dress. We should just try harder. HERE!” I snapped at her.

Mama's face crinkled up in hurt. “It's not about wanting. Please don't make this so hard for him.”

“I wish I could stay, but the buyers don't shop the pueblos anymore. The drought. No jobs. We need the money,
mija
.” Papa pulled me close and kissed the top of my head. “I promise I'll be back. I always keep my promises.” A small gold cross dangled out of his shirt. “I will. Even from far away,” his voice vibrated.

“Do you really have to go away to make things better?” I asked.

The bus turned the corner and Papa released me, picking up his black plastic bag. I tangled my arms around his waist. “Don't go. Please, don't go. I need you, Papa.”

Papa tried to separate us. “Nora, there is no other choice. This is how I will protect us. Just for a little while.”

“NO!” I screamed. “NO! NO! NO!”

“I love you, Nora.
Te amo, Aurora
.”

Mama squeezed between us to hug Papa, but I found that I couldn't let go. Mama slowly wedged herself into my grasp, and he pulled away.

“Nooooo!”
Mama's tight arms pulled me away and he boarded the bus.

I kicked and scratched at her. “We can't let him go. No, Papa, nooo!”

The bus lurched away, leaving me sitting in the dirt with tears streaking down my face.

C
EDULA
, M
EXICO

A promise.

Quinceañera.

A promise that we would be together on my fifteenth birthday.

I screamed into the trees.
“¡Mentiroso!”
A lone crow flapped his raven wings in protest. I adjusted the white barrettes on the sides of my head. Presents from Papa.

I was answered by the thud of an overripe grapefruit hitting the ground. Even the fruit couldn't keep
their promises. It oozed into the dry dirt like roadkill.

Infestations. Not enough water. No buyers. I don't even know why we pick the last of the fruit just to watch it rot at the market. Things were going from bad to worse.

“You can't let it decay on the branch. Bad karma,” lectured Grandma inside our concrete house.

“What if a buyer came and we didn't have the fruit? Then what?” said Mama.

The promises were becoming long, empty roads. No Papa. No money. No nothing. We knocked down the fence and sold the wood just to buy the fertilizer for the trees. Now, wild pigs rutted and chewed on the tender shoots that the bugs didn't gnaw up.

I crushed a few crickets hopping between the baskets, but winced at the crunching noise. I looked at my skinny bird legs and frowned at the scars. My heart felt like it had fallen asleep since my father had left. It tingled for a few months and then the burn began to spread throughout my body. I wished he would just come home.

He said all of this would be for a better life, but it seemed like things were getting worse. The school closed, killing my hopes that an education might be a way of fixing everything. Without some sort of
plan, I would continue walking around in circles.

I punted the grapefruit like a
fútbol
and ruby red juice sprayed into the air like droplets of
sangre
.

A promise is just a lie you don't want to tell.

Our tiny two-bedroom house smoked like a
chimenea
, and our scarred wooden table looked like an altar. Grandma performed a ritual before we left for the market. She liked religion. One white candle for God. One red candle for Mary. One green and red for Guadalupe. A blue candle for Papa. A somber picture of Jesus hung next to a gilded cross whose paint had begun to peel. The woven rugs were worn from years of sliding around on the floors.

I looked at my cracked fingernails. How I wished
for nail polish instead of the crust of dirt I could never remove. Maybe even a pink glossy lipstick to cure my chapped lips.

“Hurry, light this pink candle.” Grandma stood over several chipped ceramic bowls of hardening wax.

My eyes blurred as I lit the candle. “What is it?” I said, wrinkling my nose from the rancid smell. I noticed the dim light coming through the cracks in the wall near the foundation.

Grandma beamed like a full moon. “I have been experimenting with the fragrance of grapefruit. This is a scented candle I'm going to sell at the market.”

The wick burned fast, and the smell of burned fruit filled the air.
“¡Que terrible!”

Grandma swiped at the air, trying to move the smoke and smell outside the shabbily curtained window, but everything singed our eyes. “Get out!”

We coughed and sputtered. I dumped the candle into the trough of water just outside our door. The hot sizzle disappeared into the bottom of the rusty tin.

“I don't think you should sell those just yet,” I said to Grandma.

“Well, maybe I could call them
Cazar de Espectro
. They could chase the bad spirits out of your house.” Grandma imagined the best out of every situation. She'd probably tell people in the market this is a new scent from
Fabuloso
.

“Maybe you could sell it to kill the cockroaches,” I joked. I noticed a large black monster skitter next to our door.

“You and that smart mouth.” She pinched my cheek. “I was going to call it the Birthday Candle. You light it each year to bring freshness and light to your spirit.”

The tingle in my heart flared up as an image of my father holding me while I blew out my birthday candles flashed in my mind. Three birthday wishes wasted on wishing him home.

“And the pink was for you.” Grandma brushed dust from my shoulder. “So cockroaches are out.”

Mama honked outside from the truck. “Time to go, we've only got an hour.”

The truck used to be Papa's, but we sold it to Ignacio, the man who owns the land next to us. The money from the truck was paid to the
coyote
who took Papa away.

No pickers to help in the orchard. No truck to
drive—only to borrow. Our orchard was on its last legs. Next thing you know, Mama would begin to take the tin roof apart to pay the tax man.

I ran inside to extinguish the rest of the candles. My eyes burned, and not just from the stink. The smoky scent reminded me of Papa's shirt after a hard day in the orchard. Our family picture appeared through the gray smoke on top of the TV. Papa smiled at me, but I couldn't smile back.

A small mirror showed my reflection glaring at me. Full eyebrows arching across my forehead, highlighting the deep part in my hair from the braid.

I had a strange feeling Papa was disappearing. I wanted something different for my life—to not be afraid, to have a future, to have my family.

I pulled the rubber band out of my hair and combed my fingers through the plaits, shaking my hair free.

I peered back into the reflection and swiped the tears away.

The unpaved road looked extra brown and burned and it was only April. Without the water from the Río Bravo, no one had enough irrigation.

The market was only a concrete block with a tin roof, but somehow it seemed ready to wilt from years of disrepair. A tattered blue tarp fluttered from the east side in the morning, and then moved to the west in the afternoon to keep out the scorching sun. I noticed the floors had been swept clean of the dirt, yet the spiderwebs in the corners still remained.
How could I get ahead here?

Each of the sellers had our plastic bins stacked with different fruits and vegetables. There was enough room to turn sideways between each stall. I wondered how their families survived, or were they slowly selling everything?

The Lievano family, who used to sell
cabrito
, now only sold a little bit of milk and cheese. I remember how Pablo cried when they had to sell his pet goat for the meat. Then, two years later, Pablo left for the border to work with one of his cousins. He said, “If South Texas can steal our water, then it shouldn't be a big deal for me to cross over.”

The Gonzaleses only sold half the amount of vegetables the land could support because they didn't have enough water. They always talked about the governor making a canal system to send us water. We were lucky when the electricity wasn't out from the old power lines falling down.

Lolo's children ran in between the crates with their puffy cheeks and skinny pigtails. Lolo was getting even thinner because no one bought her candies or yarn. Sandra, a mere husk of a woman, weaved baskets with her eyes staring off in the distance. Santino put out some new straw hats in addition to his
peppers, which could burn holes in your stomach. I wondered where he got extra money to buy the hats.

I opened the magazine I had received for Christmas—an American magazine that showed all things
quinceañera.
Beautiful girls wearing pink and white gowns. Embroidered elbow-length gloves. High heels that reached to the sky. Crowns to make any queen jealous. They were dreams printed on glossy paper.

A few customers walked around, but most were dreaming of what they wished they could buy. Lolo's daughters stared at my magazine and pointed to the girl's long earrings. I turned my back and buried my head in the pages.

I looked down at my tight jeans. It was time for bigger pants and a bra that wasn't a hand-me-down from Mama. But I couldn't ask for such things when we barely had enough to pay for groceries.

Tucked inside the magazine was my postcard from Houston. It had a map of Texas, a red boot, and a shiny silver star. Papa had sent it specifically to me. “I love you. I miss you,” it said in a messy print. I wondered if he would even recognize me now.

One of Santino's new hats blew away in the hot breeze, and his profanity filled the air.

“Watch your mouth in here!” screamed Grandma. “Go light a candle for your sins.”

Santino caught the hat and mouthed off to Grandma. “Who are you, the village priest?”

Grandma stood up. “Here is a candle. Go ask forgiveness in the church. You know better than to curse in front of children. What will the customers think?”

The vendors chuckled. There wasn't a single customer in sight. Santino took the candle and lit it next to his stall. Lolo's children made a funny face from the smell.

Grandma turned to me and whispered, “Sins never go unpunished. Always repent.”

I giggled. Santino wouldn't sell a thing with the nasty candle burning.

Mama said, “Would you be a thoughtful girl and run to the bank for me?”

Masa
cooked on a nearby grill. My mouth watered from the delicious smells. “Mama, what's for lunch?” I felt embarrassed for being hungry.

Mama fussed over the fruit to hide its brown spots. “We'll eat later. After the money comes.”

I looked around. Tired women from other farms napped in their stalls. My stomach growled from the aroma of the burning grill. Grandma worked her
fingers up and down the beads of the rosary.

Mama moved the magazine away from my face. “If we don't get something today, we can't pay any bills or buy groceries.” Her face turned red. “Please be my lucky star. You always make good things happen for us.”

I shuffled down the street, kicking stones and avoiding the boarded-up store where the church had been. Occasionally people still lit candles on the doorstep.

The building glared at me. The nuns stopped coming, the church services and the school ceased. They were just more things disappearing from my life.

When would it stop?