Illumine Her (22 page)

Her body tensed and she fisted her hands. “I played by the rules,” she gritted quietly through her teeth, her voice afflicted with a combination of anger and anguish. “I lived life by the rule book and look what happened?” She paused and swallowed when her eyes misted with tears, blinking furiously to hold them back. “I did everything a good Samoan girl is raised to do… I studied hard, I obeyed my parents. I work hard to make the lives of my patients easier…and look what happened?” Her voice broke and a tear fell. She hated that she felt vulnerable in front of Chase but she couldn’t help it anymore. “First my father was taken away from me, and then some bastard tried to take over my body. And those people who talked about me behind my back? They made me out to sound like the very person that I’m not.”

One woman had called her a slut, a whore who asked for it. That one person’s words were all it took to cut her up inside, but she wasn’t going to tell Chase that. And then there was her family, above all, who she felt failed her when she needed them the most. Tears spilled out as her heart throbbed from the pain. Her bitter façade was crumbling down. Closing her eyes, she finally accepted the realization that she lied. She lied to herself about not caring. She cared about how people perceived her. She cared that she couldn’t do anything about her father’s death. She cared that everything that she had come to cherish was all for nothing.

When she opened her eyes again Chase was moving to where she sat. Alana’s lips parted and her eyes widened when he crouched down on his haunches making himself eye level with her. With one hand, he lifted his fingers to gently brush away a tear that slipped over her cheekbone. As more tears continued to slip down her cheeks, she looked away, horrified by her disclosure and the feeling of vulnerability that resulted. Sniffing loudly, she brushed away at the moisture on her face as she sat rigidly. Keeping her eyes averted from Chase, she fisted her hands tightly in her lap. He surprised her by lifting her off her rocky seat and clutched her against the hard walls of his chest. She tensed.

“It’s okay, Alana. You’re safe here,” he said soothingly.

Alana was surrounded by Chase, and his voice relaxed her as she slipped easily into his embrace, wanting so much to be comforted. She fit perfectly against him as one arm wrapped around her lower back and the other cradled her head under his chin. Her hands were splayed on his chest, and she allowed herself to feel secure and safe in his arms and relish in the warmth he emanated. She inhaled his clean, crisp scent and closed her eyes as tears silently slipped down her cheeks.

The cave was silent for several minutes as he held her. The sound of trickling water allowed her to calm her breathing and think. She couldn’t bring herself to look up at him and see the emotions that were flickering across his face. When she relaxed, he released her but didn’t return to his side of the cave. He remained close, shifting so he was sitting beside her against the wall.

Alana stared ahead wondering what was going on in his mind. There was no doubt that he thought of her as a weakling now.
Oh God
, she inwardly cringed. She rarely cried in front of strangers, and yet here she was wiping the snot away from her nose in the presence of someone who was far above her in every way.

“Tell me about your dad,” he spoke quietly.

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. What could she possibly say about the one person she revered all her life? It was too painful to think about her father, let alone talk about him, but Alana pushed past it. She wanted to share this part of her life with Chase and didn’t want any weakness on her part to prevent her from doing so.

“He was the most humble man I ever knew,” she started. She thought about his kindness and consideration for others. “I remember one time when he visited his parents in their village and decided to cyclone proof their house—the house he was born in and grew up in. He got up on the roof and nailed it down with twisted shank nails, the kind that prevented the iron roofing from flying off. Then he went around and did the same thing for the neighbors. They were so happy and wanted to give him what little money they had to show their appreciation, but he told them to save it for their kids’ school fees.” Alana paused at the memory. There were many stories like this one that she was incredibly proud of.

“He also worked us hard,” she said, gazing out into the small space in the cave and smiling. “When he taught me how to drive, he made me change and switch around all the tires on his 4WD truck first before I was ever allowed behind the wheel. Let me just say, those tires were heavy at sixteen. He said he didn’t want me calling him up when I had a flat tire somewhere on the side of the road, and that I was capable enough to handle it on my own.”

Chase smiled. “I can see where you get your fortitude from.”

She smiled sadly in return. “But of course when I did get my first flat coming home from a youth meeting late at night, he came over to keep me company. I had to do all the work of course—jacking it up, unscrewing and tightening the bolts—but he was there alongside with me holding the flashlight and cracking jokes.”

They sat in silence before he spoke again. “What happened to him?”

Alana’s eyes misted with tears again. It had been so long since she allowed herself to recall the event in her mind because it was like taking a sharp knife and sticking it back into her aching heart. She hadn’t told Sera or Manu the sordid details. They'd learned it on their own.

“He was making his way back from a construction site…” She paused to swallow the hard lump that was lodged in her throat. “It was only a little after six in the evening and not some odd hour at night where it was pitch black and the visibility was poor. He had engine trouble and needed to stop. The truck was so old and was always giving him problems. He got out to lift the hood and didn’t see the other vehicle barreling down the road—there just wasn’t enough time to get out of the way. He was found under it by the local village men, his body cut and battered. They had to gather around the truck to lift it off him. At the funeral home, I couldn’t bring myself to look at his face before they closed the coffin. My whole family was there—my mother, brother, sister, uncles, aunts, but I couldn’t do it. I was so scared of what I might see, someone I wouldn’t recognize. I stood outside the home and cried and cried; I just couldn’t go in. The other driver was young, drunk, and pissed off from a fight he apparently got into with his family. He of course survived, as they always do, but I wanted him dead. When his family came to our home to carry out the
ifoga
, I couldn’t forgive him. I still don’t forgive him. My brother was the one that went outside to uncover that mat, but in my heart I wanted that killer to suffer more. He’s serving time in jail now. I never learned his name, didn’t want to, and I have wished every day since that it were him that died instead.” She gritted her teeth. “Does that make me a bad person?”

She looked at Chase and he was quiet, contemplative, listening. “What did my dad do to deserve to die like that? He was a good person. A good man. I can’t accept how something like this could have happened to someone like him...” she trailed off angrily.

Silence descended before Chase spoke. “Alana,” his voice was quiet, tender. “Do you believe that if you’re a good person nothing hurtful can ever touch or harm you?” His question made her look at him. When he worded it like that, she felt as if her world view was an ignorant one. Of course she didn’t believe that. “Life isn’t about fulfilling a quota of goodness and then expecting to breeze through it without adversity.” He gazed down at her intently, but his eyes were warm and affectionate. “It’s because of those difficult times that makes you a strong person. You can’t prevent things from happening—your dad dying, those people saying things about you—we can’t change those events. We can’t alter life’s occurrences. They provide something invaluable in exchange because they’re opportunities.”

“Opportunities for what?” she asked, her brows knitting together to form a frown.

“The opportunity to strengthen your resolve, your character. To take that pain and grow from it in a way that doesn’t define you.”

She snorted a guffaw. “So I’ve obviously failed then. Because so far my
character
has had enough pent-up animosity and bitterness to burn down this entire bush.” She raised her arm and swept it out to indicate their surroundings.

“You don’t have to have it figured out all of the time. It’s alright to lose it once in a while. Every emotion you feel, whether high or low, is justifiable because it comes from a pure place. There isn't just one appropriate way to feel because your emotions are the heart and truth of your soul. Anger is not a bad thing, but it’s how we act on it that matters the most.”

“I can’t afford to lose it, Chase…” Her pride wouldn’t allow it. “To lose myself is a show of weakness, and to do that in front of others just proves it so. I need to be stronger than that. And I will be,” she said with enough determination to make her believe it herself.

Chase bowed his head and Alana noticed his lips curve into a small smile, one that he tried hard to hide. “What’s so funny?” she demanded.

“Sorry. It’s just your aura...the colors are merging all over the place.”

“Oh.” Alana furrowed her brows and pulled back.

How else could she respond to him? He was privy to something she obviously couldn’t see, and she suddenly felt a wash of self-consciousness take over. She lifted her hands to cover her chest in an attempt to block whatever light show she was apparently displaying.

“Don’t,” he said softly, gazing down into her face. “It’s beautiful.”

Alana sucked in a shaky breath. She didn’t know what to make of that statement, and since she had no clue as to what she looked like to him at that very moment, she simply stared back. She studied his face and noticed his blue eyes were a shade darker in the dimly lit cavern. From this close she observed long dark lashes covering the tops and bottoms, a small mole similar to her own placed beneath his left eye, and his strong jaw line sculpted and slightly bristled with a dark shadow.

“Do you want to know what you look like to me right now?” he asked, startling her with his question.

Did she? She admitted the idea scared her. It was as if Chase was threatening to peel away layers of a well-guarded fortress, one that held all her insecurities, flaws, and fears. But what could she really keep from him at this point? What he knew of her, he hadn’t made fun of or judged negatively. But as always, she was curious. Curious what he saw in her, what he thought of her.

“Okay,” she answered quietly.

His mouth twitched into a half smile, and he shifted a little so he could face her. Alana held her breath and waited nervously.

“Crimson,” he started, “indicates a passionate and fiery spirit. I see a lot of red emanating from you right now—no surprise there.” He smiled and Alana nudged him in the ribs. Chase chuckled before continuing. “Orange tells me that you are independent, intuitive, and expressive. Magenta is for your strong will, but it also means that you are creative and imaginative. There’s a mix between indigo and aqua which signifies that you are sensitive and vulnerable, but that you are also understanding and open minded, and you have a love of music. You also have the ability to heal and are gentle and compassionate.” He paused when Alana fidgeted uncomfortably. “Should I continue?” he asked.

“You’re killing me over here,” she answered honestly. “I’m not used to this…to someone saying these things.” She deflected her gaze and looked beyond the waterfall. The light from outside was beginning to dim, indicating it was getting late in the afternoon. “I guess I’ve never stopped to think about it. It’s just difficult to hear.” She swallowed hard.

Chase slowly smiled at her openness. “Do you want to know my personal favorite?”

Alana suddenly looked up at his face and saw that his eyes were filled with genuine warmth. When she didn’t speak he continued. “A soft yellow glow... It expresses an inner joy and contentment. I’ve only seen it once while your sister was dancing her
siva
Samoa. And when you smile, you have the ability to make another person feel completely at ease. Comforted. Safe.”

Her heart swelled, a warm feeling flowed straight to her soul, and she couldn’t help when her eyes clouded with moisture. She was beyond moved and touched by his sincerity and sweet words. She smiled timidly and fought through the tears that were now blinding her as she worked to swallow the heaviness that weighed in her throat. “Thank you,” she rasped softly.

Chase cleared his throat before speaking in a low tone. “In all my years as a healer, I have seen countless physical injuries. I’ve been built to take that away, and when it’s gone and the body is healed, people move on. But it’s the turmoil inside that hurts the most, and that I cannot heal. While I can see it, and I’m aware it’s there, I can’t do anything about it. When the soul hurts, it takes much longer to heal. And do you know who the one common cause behind all that pain is? It’s by someone you love, those you are the closest to—your family and friends. When you love someone, that person holds the most incredible power over you because they have the ability to cause you the most pain. I know you’re fighting for control, Alana, but don’t let this consume you to the point that you lose yourself.