Read I’m a Vampire…In Charge of Draculacare Online

Authors: Jackie Rose

Tags: #Erotic Romance, #satire, #short story

I’m a Vampire…In Charge of Draculacare (2 page)

BOOK: I’m a Vampire…In Charge of Draculacare
6.65Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

With a shake of his tousled blond hair, he explained, “While vampires never get any older, actors do. I am about to hit the big 5-0, so I’ll be seeing lots of TV and magazine
celebrations
about how great I still look, but
still
is the magic word…or rather the tragic one. No one ever says that a vampire
still
looks good.

“And when my show is finally cancelled, I’ll be playing the hero’s
father
the next time I show up on the screen!” He shuddered at the thought, as violently as though a legion of zombies were ringing his doorbell.

Simona nodded sympathetically, realizing that no one ever said that
she
still looked good, at over 500 years old. She had stayed looking good because that’s what vampires did…and right now, she was very grateful that she could help her first client do the same.

Then he broke into his trademark dazzling grin, as he added, “Besides, being a real vampire while I am playing one should bring me a lot of publicity, too.”

“Do you…do you think I could get some publicity for myself?” she asked. “I mean, I am a professional pianist…besides being an undead one, of course.”

She had actually played at the White House, but decided not to mention that fact, considering the way the affair had turned into a disaster, with Andrew Jackson’s ghost trying to throttle the current President.

Hastily changing the subject, she raced on, “I was even married to a count at one time. Well, I mean I was one of four Brides of the Vampire, until he took up with that undead activist Tiffany Golden, who is his countess now. But that would be an interesting story for one of your movies, don’t you think?”

“It sure would! And I am sure I could find a part for you in my next picture, as a nightclub pianist, perhaps. But first things should be first, don’t you think…and isn’t that dark kiss the first thing you should give me?”

“With pleasure!” Flinging herself on him, she wrapped her slim arms around his broad shoulders, stood on tiptoe to receive his embrace and thrust her tongue between his full lips. After he had kissed her long and hard in return, he pulled back his head to gently remind her, “That was a great kiss, no question…but I don’t think it was really the dark kind.”

“Oh, I am sorry, forgive me!” she exclaimed. “I know that this is what you came here for.” Rising on tiptoe again, she expertly nipped his powerful neck and planted her full lips around the puncture to suck a few drops of his blood.

“How was that?” she asked him, as she pulled her white teeth away. “How do you feel now?”

“Just great!” He assured her, with an even more dazzling smile. “And young enough to go on playing vampires forever. So, how much do I owe you for that?”

“Nothing at all,” she answered, to her own surprise. “The pleasure was all mine. Or, rather, both of ours.” In a softer voice, she added, “I just hope it hasn’t ended yet.”

“I can show you that it hasn’t.” Taking her long, pale hands in his hard, broad ones, he led her to his bed, lifted her into his strong arms and placed her gently on her back.

Raising that costly Victoria’s Secret gown to her waist with one hand, he used the other to expertly unzip his trousers and draw them down to his ankles. Then he raised and spread her knees, so he could plunge himself into her depths.

To his own surprise, those depths of hers were warm and wet, with nothing undead about them. On the other hand, as he realized happily, he had never heard of a vampire needing birth control. Boosted by those two reassuring thoughts, he found himself thrusting deeper and deeper into her, as she opened and closed her private parts, ever harder and faster, around him.

When they were lying beside each other, with her head resting on his shoulder, he looked down to ask, “But shouldn’t I be out promoting Draculacare now? I mean, since I have benefitted from it myself.

“I know that lots of actors were out working for Obamacare, but I have a special reason for supporting Draculacare now…because I have become an Undead American myself. And very proud to be one.”

“And I am even more proud, to have brought you into the fold.”

“And speaking of folding…” he said with a smile. Laughing happily in response, she snuggled against him as he folded her into his arms.

 

* * * *

 

When he heard the TV entertainment news, saying that Jimmy Sanford had joined the undead assisted by his new companion Simona Vyrdelek, her former Sire was not pleased.

“So now she is the female Sire of a movie star,” Tiffany mused. “Does that make her a Sire-een? I mean, she isn’t technically his Bride…”

“Whatever you call her, she was doing it for the money,” Count Victor told his lady, shaking his head of curly black hair in disgust, as he switched off the offending program.

“Well, she obviously does not need the money now,” Tiffany reassured him, as she cuddled against him in bed. “You gave her at least as much as she needed, along with your other three Brides, after you married me.”

“I just wish that my other former Brides agreed with you,” he muttered. “Some are earning much more than they need…like Crina, who has been selling real estate, with some success.”

“Well, it is a perfectly respectable profession, so we can be proud of her.”

“Of course it is, and she has done very well in it…but I just wonder if she will still keep doing it in a respectable way.”

“Do you suspect that?”

“Yes…I suspect that, just like Simona, our Crina might be selling something else besides real estate…and it might very well have something to do with…” (crash of thunder again) “…Draculacare!”

 

Chapter Three

 

 

Crina Vyrdelek, The Golden Girl

at 21st Century Golden Real Estate.

Top Sales Producer,

with more than $2 million in homes sold.

 

So read the elegant scrawl on her original business card and Web site.

Recently, however, she had had to throw out whole box of cards, since they did not promote her current specialty. Her new cards added the following announcement:

 

Now also an Eternal Care Act provider,

serving your needs at no charge.

Evening hours only.

 

In other words, she planned on combining her old profession as a Realtor with her new service as a Draculacare specialist. If she had any luck, she could practice them both together.

With that happy thought in mind, she was more than glad to greet the young couple who had called for an appointment that night.

Based on her experience, she was not surprised that Susan seemed rather uneasy, so Crina was quick to put the young girl’s fears at rest. Tactfully, she refrained from holding out her own hand in welcome, since it was always rather cold.

“So how can I help you?” she asked.

Obviously, the plump young girl had another question in mind. “Are you…I mean…are you really a vampire?” she asked in a nervous tone, as she clutched her hands together.

“We prefer the title of Undead Americans,” Crina replied, with her sweetest smile, tossing her blond curls back onto the collar of her Realtor’s trademark red blazer. “Although, as you can hear from my accent, I am an Undead Transylvanian-American.

“And as you can see, your country has been very good to me, so I will try to return the favor. My only question is…do you want me to find you the home of your dreams, or to fulfill your dream of eternal bliss?”

“Eternal bliss!” George answered quickly, ignoring his sweetheart’s discomfort. Putting his arm around her plump shoulder, he explained, “We are so happy with each other, we want our joy to last forever.”

“And I wouldn’t mind losing some weight, either,” the bride added. “I mean, I am not sure that I could ever be as slim as you, Ms. Vyrdelek, or have such beautiful blond hair and perfect make-up.”

Tactfully again, Crina did not mention that all of her face paint was meant to hide her naturally…or unnaturally…pale complexion.

“But of course you could!” the Realtor exclaimed. “In fact, I know a lady who specializes in Draculacare clients, right nearby at a Clinique counter in Tysons Corner.” She saw no reason to explain that that cosmetician would pay her for the referral.

“But of course, I could never see myself in a mirror,” the girl sighed, and Crina thought she saw tears in her eyes.

“You would never have to!” her groom retorted, in some exasperation. “Not if you looked as pretty as this lady does.”

“And whatever I did for you, it would have to be strictly consensual,” Crina assured her. “In fact, I have a form that you must both fill out, proving just that.”

Providing that I could ever get it posted to that accursed Web site, she thought. Luckily, almost no one else can get onto that site either, in order to check up on me, so we should be safe.

“So how are we going to do this?” the groom asked eagerly…rather too eagerly, the Realtor thought, as though he wanted her own services in more ways than one. “I mean, will you bite my throat to drink my blood?” As an afterthought, he added, “And then I will bite Susan’s throat too, right?”

“No need for anything so…intimate,” Crina replied. “Unless, of course, you want it done that way…”

Seeing her female client shake her head decisively, she hurried on, “Nowadays I can give you some of the fluid that I keep in the fridge, if you prefer.” With her usual tact, she refrained from mentioning that the fluid in question was her own blood. “And I can serve it in genuine crystal glasses,” she added cheerfully, “which you may keep as a souvenir.”

“And there is no charge at all, even for the goblets?” the groom inquired in a suspicious tone.

“None at all! That would be against the federal law, not to mention the Realtor’s Code of Ethics. However, as Undead Americans, you would need special lodgings, and I could provide those for you…at my usual small percentage of the sales price.”

“We were hoping to start with a condo,” the bride said.

“Oh, no, no!” Crina replied, with a wave of her slim white hand. “You need something that would suit your needs…including a private lower level.”

That term, as her professional colleagues had always told her, was much more elegant than
basement
or
cellar
…even though it was obviously needed by vampires, no matter what they called it.

 

* * * *

 

As tactfully as always, she did not tell them exactly why they would need a lower level. Instead, she looked for listings that met her new clients’ requirements…namely, single-family houses with finished lower levels and no mirrors on any of the walls.

What’s more, she knew that those lower levels must be without windows to keep out both the sun and the nosy neighbors. Above all, there must be plenty of room for two caskets. And she had one home listed in mind that would truly fill the bill.

 

* * * *

 

“This is a true classic red-brick colonial,” she enthused, as she shepherded them through the pillared front door. “As you can see, the dining and living rooms are on either side of the entrance hall, and the stairway goes down to the lower level.” As she spoke, she opened the door that led downstairs and they obediently followed her.

“As you can see, this level is luxuriously carpeted, and it includes a built-in TV and wet bar,” she enthused. “That TV could show programs all night long, if you are inclined to watch them…and the wet bar could be stocked with bottles from the blood bank. Don’t you agree that it meets your needs?”

“I am afraid it would not meet our budget,” the groom objected. As always, Crina waved that objection away. “You forget your mortgage,” she reminded them. “And it can be a very, very,
very
long-term loan. Centuries, in fact.” At the thought, the couple clutched each other’s hands and smiled happily at each other.

“But what about all those mirrors?” he asked, his smile fading. “When I looked into the living room, I saw that there was a very large one, covering an entire wall. And that might be rather…unwelcome.”

It certainly would be, she thought…since you could no longer see your own reflections in it. Mentally, she cursed the foolish owner who had neglected to take it down, or at least to cover the space with a mural painting.

“Well, this is only the first home we have looked at,” she told them, in her most cheerful tone. “If you want something more daring than the usual Northern Virginia colonial style, how about a split level or a Tudor?

“It would be an authentic Tudor, too…since I know the man who owns it, and he was there when the first Tudor houses were built, shortly after King Henry Tudor the Seventh was crowned.”

They felt silent then, staring at each other in awe. Crina also saw a touch of horror in their eyes, as they realized how long their
forever
could last. Quickly, she added, “I can confide in you that the owner is moving to a mansion in Florida, since he earned so much money over the years in long-term investments…and you are sure to do the same.”

This brought the light back into their eyes quickly enough. All it takes is salesmanship, she thought happily. Now, if only our own government leaders can keep their wretched computers from crashing when we are filling out all those forms. Fortunately, they were not required for recording home sales.

 

* * * *

 

In fact, Draculacare was having even more serious problems than that…as Tim Johnson, the handsome, hulking undead model who had posed for the Draculacare Web site, soon learned to his dismay.

“Hey, aren’t you the guy who has his picture on the Web site?” a young man shouted, as Tim walked towards the blood bank in search of his usual late-night dinner.

“I am indeed!” Johnson beamed. “Would you like my autograph?”

“Are you kidding?” the lad cried. “I would tear it to pieces! It’s bad enough that a Black brother like you is promoting that mess called Draculacare, and making all the rest of us look bad.”

Hearing the shouts, a mob soon gathered around him…and if they didn’t have any pitchforks, they more than made up for it by forming crosses with their fingers. Since that gesture affected him the way a very bright, shining light would have struck a victim of dry-eye-syndrome, he could not help turning and running as the crowd raced after him.

BOOK: I’m a Vampire…In Charge of Draculacare
6.65Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

Other books

Emily & Einstein by Linda Francis Lee
Twice a Rake by Catherine Gayle
Mother of Storms by Barnes, John
Ice Hunter by Joseph Heywood
The Circus by James Craig
Betrayal by S Michaels
The Pumpkin Muffin Murder by Livia J. Washburn