I'm Your Santa (23 page)

His gaze turned to Handsome. “Don't you agree, boy? Of course you do, you went and left Bevvy, didn't you, and you have no intention of pairing up with anyone right now. Women don't understand it at all. It's a man thing.”

Rebecca's eyes thinned to slits and she drew up beside LuLu. “The way these men talk you'd think we have no backbone and are just good for being barefoot and pregnant and making dinner.”

LuLu looked down at her bare feet and realized Handsome was, too.

She gulped and he grinned. He said, “I like that particular idea a lot, least the first part. I can make my own dinner.” He rocked back on his heels, eyeing her as if he could eat her in one bite.

Lulu said, “That is such a chauvinist crack. And isn't it a little clichéd?”

“Yeah, and it suits some people very well.” He winked and she ground her teeth. Why didn't he just hang a sign around her neck with
knocked up
on it.

Isabella and Terrance came back into the room and the four of them made eye contact. Isabella said, “Uh…we women want an apology from you men for…for talking down to us, that's it.”

“No one's talking down to anyone,” Terrance said with an added eye roll as if he couldn't believe what he was hearing. “We want to protect what's ours and that means you. Argue, argue, argue that's all we do.”

Rebecca looked confused. “This evening is over, we've had enough of you men and your medieval ideas and we're all going to bed now…alone, very much alone and we hope you enjoy your solitude.”

“And I'll be going home, too,” LuLu said.

Rebecca snatched her hand. “Not a good idea. You should spend the night here with us.”

Isabella nodded in agreement, “Keeps you right here for…for getting things organized in the morning for the wedding. A very busy time with lots to do and you certainly don't want to be late, it wouldn't do for you to be late or delayed.”

“Nonwedding,” Handsome corrected.

“But I don't live here and I have the morning shift at Slim's, and I've got to find someone to cover for Joseph at the manger and the goat needs milking.”

Rebecca pulled her toward the main stairs. “No morning shift. It's Christmas Eve, they don't need you and they already have another Joseph so you're covered there. I did that because I knew I'd be needing you all to myself. You're terrific at organizing.”

“None of my things are here. I need my jammies, my toothbrush, this is not a good idea.”

“Trust me,” Isabella said in a low voice. “It's a darn terrific idea. The snow's too deep for you to be making your way home now and maybe you won't make it back tomorrow and that really would ruin everything. You can share my room, I have extra stuff you can use. Then tomorrow we'll finally get this wedding over with and everyone can be on their merry way by afternoon and all will be right with the world…finally!”

LuLu straightened her day-old clothes then folded the last napkin and set it on the tray. She said to Rebecca, “I'll take these into the drawing room for the continental breakfast. The rest of the family should be coming down any minute now.”

Rebecca arranged the croissants. “We'll have a light breakfast, the ceremony, then a full brunch. Sounds perfect, I hope it works that way, too. This is so stressful.”

“But you've done hundreds of weddings.”

“Some are a lot more stressful than others.” She frowned at Cordell across the room as he set the fire. “You're not putting enough wood on, it's going to be a right puny fire in that hearth.”

He groused, “Bossy woman.” But it didn't sound all that sincere. Hmmm, maybe he was softening. There was still hope in getting them together.

Isabella came into the room. “Look at these Danish pastries. Terrance needs to do better than that. I'll give him a piece of my mind.” She scurried off toward the kitchen. Guess not everyone was softening.

LuLu took the napkin tray nearly colliding with Handsome as she turned…and he was handsome in jeans and a black sweater. “No dress uniform for your nonwedding?” She shook her head. “Forget I said anything. I'm not talking to you.”

“The barefoot and pregnant crack last night? It's only natural for a man to want to care for a woman in that condition and like I said, I like you just the way you are now.”

“See, see. That's why we can only do the sex thing,” she whispered. “It's the only common ground we have, everything else we argue over.”

“You don't like being pregnant?”

“I'm okay with it now.” She did a slow smile. “Yeah, I think it's going to be fine. Maybe more than fine.”

She swept past him to the tables and Cordell threw another log on the fire. Terrance set out covered silver dishes of quiche and fruit. Rebecca frowned at the tables and tapped her foot. “Where are the flower centerpieces? Aren't they delivered yet? This is an outrage.” She turned to Cordell. “Did you hide my flowers just to tick me off?”

“Oh, for heaven's sake, woman,” Cordell huffed. “This whole plan of yours is getting out of hand. I can't imagine how it will ever work out.”

“What whole plan?” Handsome asked as Isabella came in and announced, “I have good news, everyone.”

“We can all go home,” Cordell groused.

Isabella made a face and rushed on with, “Bevvy called and she's going to swing by here after the nonwedding and take Rebecca and me into Memphis in the Hummer. Blue Sticky Notes has a gig and—this is the fantastic part—the Four Arachnids are opening for them. What a terrific Chrismas Eve!”

“The Arachnids!” Rebecca gasped and her eyes lit. “Oh, my stars, I remember them from my college days. And they're still around! Like the Eagles. They just keep going on and on. What hunks.”

“They're old,” Cordell said, while Isabella giggled like a school girl then added, “I think we should be groupies for them. Sure get more action than we are around here.” She looked from Cordell to Terrance.

“Like hell,” bellowed Terrance. “I have plenty of action in me.”

Isabella put her hands to her chest in swoon mode. “I wonder if the Four Arachnids have T-shirts? I always wanted one but my mother had a conniption at the thought. Girls didn't wear T-shirts like that back in the day.”

Terrance folded his arms and glared at Isabella. “You are not going anywhere near a rock band. You're fifty, for crying out loud. Act it.”

Isabella fluffed her hair. “Fifty-six to be exact and it's about time I do what I want, and if that's being a roadie then that's what I'll do.”

“Roadie!” Cordell turned red as the Christmas napkins on the table.

“I still have my first miniskirt,” Isabella beamed. “Sure wish I had it with me.”

“I remember when I burned my bra,” Rebecca said. “Now those were the good old days.”

Terrance threw his hands in the air and left the room, and Cordell boomed, “You both have gone completely nuts.”

“Well that's just the opinion of an old fogie,” Rebecca said, then exited with Isabella in tow.

LuLu stared at the commotion. “What's going on? Full moon?”

Handsome blinked a few times. “I think they're on something. I've never seen my mother like…this.”

“Sign here,” Terrance said as he rushed back from the kitchen. Yanking the tray from LuLu's hands, he shoved a clipboard mostly covered with a bouquet of flowers at her. “The florist delivery finally came and I am not signing for something that's part of Rebecca's setup, and right now I'm not talking to either of those two loopy women.”

LuLu said to Handsome, “You didn't cancel the flower order?”

“Too late.”

“Good grief. This has got to be costing the earth,” LuLu scribbled as the rest of Handsome's family wandered in for breakfast. “Hope they enjoy themselves.”

“Hope they aren't taking whatever Mother and Rebecca are taking.”

Terrance shoved the board at Handsome. “I should have you sign for the flowers too since you paid for them.”

Handsome shook his head. “It's flowers, I don't care if they come or not.”

Terrance nodded toward the front door. “Man's waiting, boy. He needs your signature. Give him a good tip, too. It is Christmas Eve after all.”

Isabella stuck her head around the corner, her hair pulled back in a ponytail, blue eye shadow to her brows. She gave a toothy grin. “Yoo-hoo, everyone. What do you all think of my sixties look?”

Handsome stared dumbfounded, Terrance nudged the board. Handsome wrote his name, added money, and Terrance shoved the flowers at LuLu. “Enjoy.”

Isabella pranced into the room. “Rebecca is tying two napkins together to make a miniskirt for our concert outing. Isn't that fun!”

She rolled her own skirt up at the waist till the hemline was inches above her knees. “What do you think?” She did a twirl. “It's ‘Flashdance' all over again.”

“Next time…” Handsome stared wide-eyed. “If there ever is a next time, which I'm doubting more and more every minute, I'm eloping to Vegas. This is a bigger sideshow than that place could ever be.”

LuLu inhaled the scent of star daylilies, baby's breath, a scattering of daisies and white roses. “Bevvy has good taste in flowers. You know”—she took another sniff—“maybe we can get one of our project couples to get married today. Wouldn't that be great?”

“Uh, have you been listening to all this? They can't even exchange a civil sentence.”

“But it's such a waste of really great flowers.”

“I tried half the night to talk some sense into Uncle Cordell and almost had him ready to apologize till Terrance came in the room with a bottle of hundred-year-old Scotch. Said he sure as hell hoped this worked, caught sight of me then spent the next three hours talking about how women made no sense and right now I believe him.”

“Hey, I resent that. Your mom and Rebecca just want to have fun. The wedding's a bust so they're improvising. Women wanting to cut loose a little, can't blame them for that.”

The doorbell rang and a minute later a strange man in a black suit swaggered into the room or maybe it was more of a stumble and announced, “Judge Jude here.” He gave a lopsided grin. “Isn't that a great name?” He hiccupped. “I love my name. I'm here to…” He fished inside his coat pocket and pulled out a little black book. “To say a few appropriate words about the deceased. Marla Henderson was a wonderful woman.”

He hiccupped, took another sip from the flask he kept in his breast pocket then shook his head. “Nope, wrong day.” He flipped some pages. “Ah, yes, here we are. I'm doing a marriage.” He grinned at everyone, his eyes not focusing. “Much better to do a marriage on Christmas Eve than a funeral. You all look so nice today. Wonderful day for a wedding. Is there any Scotch handy? I could use a little Christmas cheer for the road and since I have a driver it's all legal-like.”

Handsome said, “I'm sorry, but there is no wedding, it's been called off. I apologize that no one contacted you and saved you a trip out here.”

“Nonsense,” said the judge. He stepped close to Handsome and LuLu. “Says in my book I'm doing a wedding so that's it. Let's get on with it. It's a busy day, lots to do.” He cleared his throat, smoothed his hair over his balding spot in the middle and stood tall next to LuLu. “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to…”

LuLu hid her face and Handsome's behind the bouquet. “The man's totally sloshed and not listening to a thing you say. How do we get rid of this guy?”

The judge droned on with the usual marriage ritual stuff and Isabella yanked down the flowers. LuLu asked, “You sure you don't want to marry Terrance? Everything's in place, I even have the flowers.” She shook the bouquet. “And Terrance is a really great guy, wonderful cook. You could have great eats all your life.”

“I made peace-sign necklaces for me and Rebecca out of straws I found in the kitchen.” She held up the multicolored art work. “What do you think? Very trendy. Do you like them or do you not, Sebastian? Hmmm?”

His eyes crossed. “Uh…”

She shoved them in his face and growled, “Well? Do you or don't you? Say it.”

“I do, I do. Holy cow, they're fine, perfect for the…occasion. But what should we do about this preacher being here?”

“Judge, dear, he's a judge and he's nearly finished and all will be well so don't worry your pretty little head about a thing.” Isabella faced LuLu and put the peace sign an inch from her nose. “Okay, so what about you. Do you like them or do you not?”

“They're great.”

Her eyes got beady and her bottom lip did a threatening curl. “No, you don't understand. Do you or do you not! Tell me right this minute.” She nearly stepped on LuLu's toes she was so close.

“I do, I do I really do for heaven's sake. It's a peace sign, remember. Peace! I think you need a nap.”

“Wonderful. We did it,” beamed Isabella as Judge Jude said, “I now pronounce you husband and wife!”

He suddenly didn't look so inebriated and Rebecca, Isabella, Terrance, and Cordell broke into huge smiles and everyone in the room clapped and cheered. Cordell said to Handsome, “Well done. Congratulations, boy.” He kissed LuLu on the cheek. “Welcome to the family, dear.”

Eyes huge, Handsome cut his gaze from one to the other. “What the hell's going on now?”

Judge Jude said, “You may now kiss your bride and I suggest you do it. A lot of people did a lot of planning to get you two married.”

LuLu stared at Handsome. “Huh?”

Handsome opened his mouth but nothing came out. Uncle Cordell came over and slapped him on the back. “You're now a married man.”

“I don't get it,” Handsome stammered.

“Course you do,” Isabella chimed in. “You and LuLu are married just the way you should be but were too stubborn to get on with it so we helped. That's all there is to it. We set you up.”

She put her arm around Terrance and he draped his arm around her shoulders in a very friendly way that belied all the bickering before. “We decided to get you two together just like you tried to get us together, except we were already together all along and thought we'd return the favor. Does that make any sense?”

Handsome said, “But you've been fighting and carrying on like lunatics.”

“For distraction, all for distraction to keep your mind off what was really going on,” Cordell laughed. “And it worked. Neither of you knew what hit you.”

Everyone clapped again and Handsome said, “But we didn't sign anything except…” His gaze fused with Terrance. “Oh, damn, the flowers.”

Terrance grinned and Handsome's mother added, “And you did say the obligatory ‘I do' for my completely hideous peace signs. I didn't rightly know how I was going to pull that one off, but I did!”

Rebecca kissed Handsome on the cheek then LuLu. “We got our Christmas Eve wedding after all, and it is truly wonderful like I planned, just a different bride is all.”

LuLu shook her head to try and clear her thoughts. “I don't believe I really got married in black slacks held together by a safety pin and a wrinkled blouse that I wore yesterday? That is so not wonderful.”

“But you have to admit you had really great flowers,” Rebecca said.

Handsome said, “But what if we don't want to be married? Ever think of that?”

“Of course you do,” Isabella chimed in. “The two of you have been together at every turn and with only knowing each other for such a short time that counts a lot. You two were meant to be.”

LuLu said, “Except there's a little glitch. I don't want someone in my life's who's leaving…again. I have bad man-leaving karma and that's a big part of who Hand…I mean Sebastian is.”