In Focus (2009) (15 page)

On her desk was a note. ‘Out at a meeting all morning. You’re lunching with me at Nonna Marianna’s at one o’clock. I’ve already booked.’

She didn’t want to go, was afraid of being too intimate with him. No, she was lying to herself. She did want to go, but she wasn’t sure it was the right thing to do. Yet she knew if she pretended to be ill and went home early, Nat would come after her to check that she was all right.

Only she wasn’t all right, hadn’t felt all right since the mugging, not because of the attack, but because of Nat, comforting her, helping her, staying with her – and reminding her of feelings she’d not experienced for many years.

She locked her handbag inside the cupboard and tried to settle to work. There was always plenty to do. But she couldn’t concentrate, kept watching the old-fashioned wall clock whose fingers were jerking round inexorably towards one o’clock.

At half past twelve, she heard his car and froze, even though she knew it was silly to be afraid of Nat. She couldn’t move, could only wait for him to come into the office.

He stopped in the doorway and stared at her across the room. ‘Oh, Linda. My dear, you look like someone waiting for the executioner. Am I that frightening?’

The warmth of his voice, the way his eyes crinkled at the corners when he smiled at her, made her fears seem suddenly foolish.

‘No. It’s not you, Nat. It’s me.’

‘Time you started living again, don’t you think? I’ve waited long enough for you to come to life. I’m lonely, Linda. And so are you, I think.’

He moved over, took her hand and pulled her round the desk. He gave her a quick hug, not letting go of her hand as he took a step backwards again. ‘Any messages that can’t wait?’

‘No.’

‘Good. Let’s go and have a long, leisurely lunch. We deserve it.’

He kept hold of her hand all the way to the car and she found she liked the warmth of his touch just as much as the familiar warmth of his smile.

It had been a long time since she’d wanted a man to touch her. Dare she get involved with Nat?

She smiled at that thought. Did she have a choice?

Although she knew Nat would leave her alone if she said she wasn’t interested, she couldn’t lie to him. She did fancy him – very much – scary though that was.

Nine

Beth spent most of the day at the office, catching up on paperwork, then left part way through the afternoon. She’d told Sandy about her daughter coming back into her life, and her friend had been happy to cover for her at work.

On the way home she called at a rather nice delicatessen that had opened recently to buy a few bits and pieces for tea, agonizing over what would please a three-year-old boy.

Next door was a toy shop and she lingered over the displays, wondering what to buy for Mikey. In the end the assistant helped her choose a book popular with children that age, one with brightly-coloured pictures of children playing various games. She could change it if her grandson already had a copy.

As the time for Jo’s visit drew nearer, Beth couldn’t concentrate on anything. The food was ready, the flat immaculate and she’d changed into casual clothes, not wanting to make Jo feel shabby. She’d noticed how well-worn her daughter’s clothes were.

She began pacing up and down her living room, going to stare out of the window every few minutes, even though she knew it was too soon for them to arrive.

When she finally saw a young woman coming towards the flats pushing a child’s buggy, she froze, suddenly terrified this might go wrong, that she might lose her daughter all over again.

She didn’t think she could bear that.

‘Don’t be stupid!’ she said aloud. It seemed too impersonal to let Jo ring the doorbell and speak to her on the intercom, so she snatched her keys. Since the lift was being used, she ran down the three flights of stairs to the foyer to let them in, arriving slightly breathless.

Jo was standing a few yards away, studying the building, looking as tense as Beth felt.

The two women stared at one another for a few seconds then Beth walked towards the pair, her eyes drawn to the rosy-faced little boy. He’d been waving his arms around but suddenly grew shy and leaned back in his buggy, hiding behind a scruffy purple plush elephant.

‘This is Mikey,’ Jo said. ‘Say hello to your grandma, darling. Remember I told you Kaleel has a grandma and so do you.’

He continued to hide his face.

Beth’s voice came out thick with tears. ‘He’s beautiful.’

‘Better not try to kiss him or anything till he stops hiding behind Huffilump. Mikey’s a bit shy with strangers because he doesn’t meet many.’

The air seemed so charged with emotion that Beth said the first thing that came into her head. ‘I’m nervous. This is so important I don’t want anything to spoil it.’

Jo patted her arm. ‘That’s all right. I’m nervous too.’

‘Why are we standing outside like a pair of idiots? Come and be nervous inside.’

They went up in the lift in complete silence. Mikey kept peeping at his mother for reassurance, and Huffilump was still very much in evidence.

When they got to the flat, Jo paused. ‘The door’s a different colour.’

‘I’ve decorated inside as well, but your room’s exactly as you left it. If there’s anything you want, it’ll probably still be there.’

Jo gaped at her. ‘You didn’t get rid of my things?’

‘No. I couldn’t. I kept hoping you’d come back.’

‘Oh, Mum.’ Her face crumpled and a tear ran down her cheek. ‘I wanted to come back sometimes, but not till I’d achieved something. Dad would have been so . . . He’d have gloated about being right that I’d never amount to anything.’

‘He was upset when you ran away. He’ll want to know you’re all right. I can’t understand why he hasn’t replied to your emails.’

‘If I’d known he’d emigrated, I might have come to see you sooner, Mum. I couldn’t face his scorn. He always made me feel such a loser.’

Beth didn’t contradict her. Shane had been a bit like that, sharp with people who didn’t meet his exacting standards. It had been one of the reasons they split up. One day she’d just had enough of his scorn.

‘How can you be a loser with a beautiful child like this?’

Jo wiped away the tear with the back of one hand and gave a wobbly laugh. ‘The only success of my life, Mikey.’

‘Well, he’s a gorgeous boy. I’d guess you’ve grown up, too. That’s an achievement as well.’

Jo’s face softened and she nodded. ‘You’re right. Mikey needs me, you see, so I have to be sensible. But I’m happy to look after him because I love him to pieces.’

She hesitated, then added, ‘If I hadn’t had Ghita to help out, I’d have been lost at first. She was in hospital at the same time as me and we got friendly because neither of us had any visitors. Afterwards I had nowhere to go, so she took me back to her flat and looked after me. I think I’d have died without her – or Social Services would have taken Mikey from me, which would have been nearly as bad. I was pretty depressed at the time, you see. Everything seemed – too much.’

‘I’d have helped you.’

‘I know that now. I didn’t then.’

Beth swallowed that pain, didn’t allow herself to protest, didn’t dare. ‘Ghita sounds a lovely person.’

‘She is. You must come and meet her. Wait till you see her Kaleel and my Mikey playing together.’

The little boy started making noises and wriggling to get out of his buggy.

‘All right if I let him run loose? Better check first if there’s anything in reach that he can break.’

They had a quick look round and both women dived for dishes and an ornament that had belonged to Beth’s grandmother.

‘I’ve got some food, just stuff I picked up at the shops. I’m out of practice at cooking, with only me to care for and working irregular hours. You two will stay for a meal?’

Jo nodded. ‘Yes. And you know what? It’s not as hard as I’d expected.’

‘What isn’t?’

‘Coming back here. Can I look at my old room?’

‘Yes. Do you want me to keep an eye on Mikey and give you a few minutes on your own?’

‘Thanks. That’d be great.’

‘If there’s anything you want, just take it.’ Beth watched her leave, then turned to smile at the little boy, vowing to stay in his life from now on, whatever it took.

Jo walked down the short corridor to her bedroom, opened the door and stepped into her past, gasping and clapping one hand to her mouth as she stared round. Even though her mother had warned her, it was still a shock to see the room looking exactly the same as when she’d walked out of it five years ago.

Slowly, hardly daring to breathe, she moved across to the bed and stroked the familiar quilt, a little more faded but still pretty. When she slid open the wardrobe door, her old clothes were still hanging there. Most of them wouldn’t fit now, unfortunately, because she’d grown a couple of inches and wasn’t as stick-thin as before. No, some of the looser ones might fit. It’d be a big help because she was running short of decent clothes.

She moved the hangers to get a better look. Nearly all the clothes were dark. In those days, she’d thought it cool to dress in black, had bemoaned her naturally blonde hair, and worn chains, dark eye-shadow and black lipstick.

She’d frighten Mikey if she dressed like that now.

She looked at the floor of the wardrobe. Shoes. Now, those would be really useful if they still fitted her. She took out a pair of lace-ups she’d had to wear for school. How she’d hated them! Sitting down on the bed she tried them on and they fitted perfectly. She walked to and fro. These would be ideal for work, far better than the frayed trainers she couldn’t afford to replace.

There was a school skirt, too. No one except her would know it was school uniform, as it was navy and of no particular style, but again, it would be perfect for work. She slipped it on and nodded. Great.

Sitting down on the bed, she tried to recapture how she’d felt all those years ago, what had driven her to run away. The room was comfortable. Her parents had provided everything a girl could need. Why had she felt they didn’t love or understand her?

Seeing how upset her mother was, how terrified of frightening her away again, knowing how she’d feel if she lost Mikey, brought it all home to her.

Jo shook her head in bafflement at her younger self, felt like weeping for the stupidity of it all, but wouldn’t let herself. OK, so she’d stuffed up big time, but she’d paid for her mistakes, paid dearly. And if that was what it took to get a son like Mikey to love, then she’d pay the price again without complaining.

As always, the thought of him lifted her spirits.

She went back into the living room, her shoes making no sound on the soft carpet, and stopped at the sight of her mother cuddling Mikey and reading a book to him, tears running down her cheeks. Oh, hell! Jo backed away. This was too private a moment to interrupt. She’d hurt her mother far more than she’d understood at the time. Perhaps she could make it up to her now.

She could try, anyway.

Opening the door of her old bedroom quietly, she banged it shut and walked along the short corridor once more. Her mother was still bent over Mikey, who had one chubby forefinger pointing at a picture in his new book.

‘He loves being read to, doesn’t he?’

‘He always has. I often read to him.’ Jo waved the pair of shoes. ‘Can I take these? I hated them when I had to wear them for school, and they’re still pretty ugly, but they’re perfect for work. You bought me good quality shoes, didn’t you?’

‘Always.’ She looked at Jo’s feet, but didn’t say anything about the ratty trainers.

Mikey wriggled down from his grandmother’s lap and began to explore the room, touching things gently. His shoes were in a much better state than his mother’s.

‘He’s not usually destructive,’ Jo offered.

‘It’s good for children to explore. Don’t you want any of your other things?’

‘There’s a skirt . . . and I can try some of the clothes on after tea, but it’s Mikey’s teatime now, if you don’t mind.’

‘Come into the kitchen. It’s almost ready.’

By seven thirty, Mikey was drooping, so they went into Jo’s old bedroom, let him lie on the bed and went quickly through the things in the wardrobe.

‘I can’t take too much because I have to move soon.’ Jo could have kicked herself. She hadn’t intended to mention that yet.

‘Oh? Where are you going?’

‘I don’t know. They’re knocking the building down and we all have to get out. They’ve given us the minimum legal notice, the rats, even though they must have known for ages. I suppose they didn’t want to lose any rent. But you know what the rental market’s like. It’s really hard to find somewhere cheap at the best of times, but just now, well, it’s going to be very difficult. And I need to be close to Ghita and to my work.’ She watched her mother start to fiddle with the plates.

‘You could come here temporarily, then take your time to find a decent place.’

Jo tried to make a joke of it. ‘Do you think we could stand one another full-time?’

‘We could try. To be honest, I wouldn’t want you living here permanently, but temporarily would be fine.’

‘It’d drive you mad to have a three-year-old around. He’d break things, wake you up during the night, leave his toys everywhere, make so much noise and mess. You know what they’re like at that age. And you’ve always been Mrs Tidy.’

Her mother’s eyes were brimming with tears as she said huskily, ‘He could break everything and I’d still want him. I’ve missed so much of his life.’ She pressed one hand to her mouth. ‘Sorry. I didn’t mean to say anything like that.’

‘And I didn’t mean to come here and start asking for help on the very first visit.’ Jo went to give her mother a quick hug. ‘Hey, it’s all right. We’re both human. And it’s really kind of you to offer to have me, but there’s Ghita to think of.’