In Her Mothers' Shoes (48 page)

She was being entirely selfish. That she knew for certain. She had written the letters – almost exactly the same, apart from an acknowledgement to Rick that they had already met – in self-centred fulfilment of her own desire. But what if her siblings didn’t share that desire? What if meeting their unknown sister was the last thing they wanted? What if her surprising news tore the family apart?

It was this last possibility that made her hesitate on the footpath, envelopes poised in front of the letter box.

‘Kate, fancy seeing you here.’ It was one of the insurance brokers she’d befriended covering earthquake recovery issues.

‘Good morning, Philip. Collecting your mail?’

‘It’s a daily ritual now I have to work from home. Empty the mail box and pick up an espresso next door.’ He waved a thick pile of large envelopes. ‘You looked like you were frozen on the spot.’

‘Oh, no. Just posting some mail.’ She thrust the letters into the box and it snapped shut behind them. She heard the soft rustle and thud as they hit the bottom. Too late now. They’d gone.

Writing then posting the letters was one of the hardest choices Kate had ever made. It was even harder than telling Mum twenty years ago she’d met her birth mother.

‘You could have told me before you went,’ Mum had said quietly, plucking at the blooms on the winter sweet in the vase on the dining room table.

‘I didn’t want to hurt you.’ Kate shifted in her chair.

‘So why tell me now?’

‘I’d have to tell you sooner or later.’ She took a deep breath. ‘And I wanted you to know that it wasn’t the big event I’d always expected. If anything, it was a bit of a disappointment.’

She looked across at her mother, who continued to fiddle with the flowers. After a moment, she looked up at her daughter and smiled thinly. It was hard to read the look in her eyes, but a shadow of relief seemed to cross her face.

‘So what was she like?’ Mum said at last.

Kate thought for a moment. She should have prepared an answer; she had no idea what to say. It had seemed so easy, telling David; he’d laughed with her at the anti-climax after Kate had yearned so long for the reunion to occur.

But telling Mum was different. She knew that Mum had dreaded this moment – she’d said so often enough. This was Kate’s chance to set her mind at rest. She put her coffee mug down and fiddled with the last piece of muffin on her plate. Mum made great muffins, each time a new flavour, trying out a recipe she’d cut out from the paper or a magazine.

‘She wasn’t like you at all,’ she said at last. ‘Or like me. Although I think she might look a little bit like me.’ Kate reached down and patted the cocker spaniel nosing around her chair looking for muffin crumbs.

‘So what was she like?’ Mum prompted again.

‘You’ve got so much energy, Mum, you’re always on the go, always doing something – usually to help someone else – and I feel you’ve made me that way too. But Liz – that’s what she calls herself, not Elizabeth – she seemed so passive, so lacking in energy or drive, she seemed to have no confidence in herself. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was suffering from depression.’

‘Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.’ Mum looked surprised and a little relieved. ‘You know, that’s not how I pictured her at all.’

‘You pictured her?’

‘Yes, I’ve always had an image of a confident, almost forward young woman who would end up doing very well for herself, who would pick herself up and have a career.’

‘She said she worked in a draughtsman’s office for a while tracing plans, but she never got much beyond tracing other people’s work and left as soon as she got married. She never went back to it. Not like you.’

Rose smiled. ‘Did she say anything about her other children?’

‘She doesn’t want me to meet them. She made me promise not to tell them until she’s ready.’

‘Oh Kate, I’m sorry,’ Rose put her hand out to cover her daughter’s and gave it a comforting squeeze. ‘That would have been like closing the final gap for you.’

‘But the incredible thing was that I’d already met my brother, Rick – she calls him Richard – I met him once when I interviewed him, and I never knew.’

‘That’s so sad. You didn’t know at the time, and now you’re going to have to wait a whole lot longer. What if you meet him again through work and Liz still hadn’t given you permission to tell him?’

Kate had already thought about that. ‘To tell you the truth, I’d be torn. I don’t know what I’d do. I’ve thought seriously about wangling an interview with him somehow. He’s got plays coming out every few years and it’s only a matter of time before one of them comes to Christchurch.’

‘Would you say something? Would you let him know?’

‘I’d be very tempted.’

But it had never happened.

Three days after posting the letter she got a call from her brother Rick. She was sitting in the lounge watching
Sunday Theatre
with David and James, who was back home while studying Business at the Polytech. Amelia was in Auckland, where she’d been working in marketing for ACP magazines since graduating just over a year ago.

Kate recognised the voice immediately – the rounded vowels, the range of expression, dropping to that deep bass resonance mid-sentence.

‘Hello Rick,’ she said.

David picked up on it immediately; his eyebrows shot up and his mouth opened in a wide grin. He mimed a high five.

She grinned back, trying to hide her nerves, and took the phone through to the dining room

‘Your letter came as a huge shock,’ he said. ‘We had absolutely no idea.’

‘I’m sorry it was so sudden like that. But I didn’t know how else…’

‘No, it’s fine, really, in fact it’s a bit of a relief.’

‘It is?’ This was unexpected.

‘Yes, you see, Mum’s been so sick these last few years, hyperventilating, really in a bad way. She had to go into hospital for a while and she’s been taking medication for depression ever since. I’ve been sure there’s something behind it, something that’s been causing it. I was so worried, so sure there was a cause, I asked her not long ago was there something she hadn’t told us? Something in her past that was upsetting her, perhaps? But she said no, nothing. And then your letter arrived. I was so relieved to learn about you.’

‘I’m sorry she’s been upset. And I hope this doesn’t make it worse. She made me promise not to tell you. She said she’d been unwell and just couldn’t cope with it.’

‘I knew as soon as I read your letter. Mum started getting sick right about the time when the Adoption Law changed and when you came back into her life.’ Rick laughed. Laughed! ‘At last we know what’s behind it all. And we can start to deal with it, to help her through it.’

Kate swallowed. Was she really the cause of all this pain?

‘I’m sorry I …’

‘No, stop apologising, it’s not your fault. It’s just wonderful you’ve turned up at last. I think you may be the answer to all her problems.’

Would he tell Liz? Yes, he said, but possibly not for a while. He’d talk it through with Jessie, and with his Aunt Penny, his mother’s younger sister.

They talked about getting together, ‘meeting again now I know who you are’ and about Jessie’s reaction. She’d been less enthusiastic than Rick; having not met Kate before, she didn’t know if she could believe her, and she found it even harder to believe that her mother could have had a past life involving an illegitimate baby.

As Rick talked, Kate could understand perfectly how Jessie felt. She would find it equally impossible if someone had announced out of the blue they were her sister or brother. She knew of innumerable people it had happened to, and it hadn’t always gone well.

It was funny talking to this man who was now her brother. It felt like she’d known him all her life, like she could confide in him, tell him how it had been all this time not being able to talk to him, not being able to break her promise.

They ended the conversation at thirty-eight minutes and twenty-two seconds, according to the phone display, after swapping email addresses and agreeing to meet soon.

‘That was a marathon effort.’ David switched off the television when she came back into the lounge. ‘Did it go well?’

Kate couldn’t stop grinning. ‘Very well.’ She didn’t know what else to say, where to begin. It was too big to put into words.

‘Do you think you’ll get to meet him and your sister soon?’

‘I think so. My sister, Jessie, she’s not so keen. But Rick says she’ll come round soon. She just needs to take it in.’

‘Can’t say I blame her.’

David patted the sofa next to her. Kate sat.

‘Are you happy now?’

‘Happy? I suppose I am. I mean, I’m worried about Jessie, about whether she’ll come round, and about Liz, and what she’ll say when she finds out when I’ve broken my promise. But for now, yes, I’m happy. I’ve found my brother. I’ve wanted to do that for twenty years. Now all I need is to meet him, and my sister.’

‘I’m pleased for you,’ he said, extending his arm across Kate’s back and giving her a hug. ‘I know you’ve wanted this for a long time.’

‘Grandpa would be pleased too,’ James said.

‘He would?’

‘Yes, he used to say you’d never feel complete until you found your original family.’

‘He said that to you?’

‘Yeah! Course. He liked to talk, you know.’

Kate nodded. She knew.

‘I asked him once about you being adopted,’ James continued. ‘I think it was when you had breast cancer and were talking about it being in your genes from your mother – your other mother. Grandpa said there was a part of you that was missing, and that would only be restored once you found the family that you belonged to originally.’

‘I can’t believe…’

‘He said he always wished he’d been able to help you with that. He’d be happy you’ve found them’

‘I can tell him next time I see him.’

‘It’s his birthday soon.’

‘I’ll tell him then. I’ll put flowers on his grave and tell him all about it.’

Kate didn’t mind saying it out loud. Talking to her father while she stood under the drooping cherry blossom at the back of the cemetery seemed to ease her mind. A problem shared, as they say. Not that she imagined her father talking back. She wasn’t into that spiritual reincarnation sort of stuff. But he’d always listened, and somehow she felt he still did.