In Memoriam (20 page)

The neighborhood was in flux, on the incline now, derelict buildings in varying states of restoration and rebuilding indicating another New York neighborhood on the rise. Soon, only the very rich could afford to live and shop anywhere nearby. She’d loved living in Manhattan, and after being born and raised there and living there all her life, she had moved to Brooklyn for Tom. She’d altered her lifestyle for Tom. Now she was begging him to love her wonderful baby. Why? The self-conversation was always the same; tainted with HIV from Jack…who else would have her? This was supposed to be Tom’s opportunity to make a decision, yet she was in this very situation because of an emotional void in their relationship. Why was
she
with
him
?

“Did you hear a word I said?” Tom was looking at her, concerned.

“No, frankly, I did not. Could you repeat it?”

“I’m not ready to make a commitment to you,” he sneered. “It’s obviously not that important to you.”

“Tom, you’ve already made a commitment to me. Herein lies our problem, I think.
I
don’t want a commitment for
me
. You making a commitment to the
baby
is what we’re talking about.” She slid to the end of the booth. “Forget it. I don’t think I want to spend one more second defending my baby. If you can’t see how fabulous he is, then it’s your loss, Tom.” Not looking at him, she grabbed her purse, but before she left the diner, she had one more thing to say and went back to the booth. “Go to hell.” Mumbling,
Why in the hell did I put everyone through this crap?
It was her baby; she’d decide whom she allowed near him.

When she got back to Exchange Place, satisfaction that she’d done the right thing for her baby surged through her. She wasn’t going to cajole anyone into loving him.

Tom sat back at the diner, incredulous that his attempt to make a decision about his life could take the turn it did. Not intending to upset her, his reticence to jump into fatherhood was just his nature. Sandra’s inability to understand him brought the reservations he’d had in the past to the surface again, so it was really
her
fault. Her relationship with Pam bothered him because it was a reminder of Jack. The fact she’d had an affair with a married man rubbed his Episcopalian beliefs the wrong way.

It didn’t make any difference. Sandra didn’t want to be with him. It was so obvious he was shocked he hadn’t figured it out sooner. His phone beeped, a text had just come in.

Don’t forget to get your mother out of the house before I get home. I’m sure once she hears the news, she’ll be more than happy to leave.

He felt numb. What the hell had just happened?

~ ~ ~

Friday rolled around, and Lisa Chua had her routine down. She’d even ventured out, taking a ride to the beach to see her grandmother. Bernice was home from the hospital after the pacemaker insertion, had more energy, and looked better than she had in years.

Getting the two kids into their car seats took a little effort, but it was worth it. She spent hours walking on the beach with her mother, letting Megan play in the sand while the grandmothers and their assistant cared for the baby.

“This reminds me of the old days,” Lisa said.

Pam laughed out loud. “Which days? Last year? Or when you were a child?”

“Back when Daddy was alive. I can almost see him. He’d be over there.” She pointed to a spot beyond their property. “Brent would scream, ‘
Hike
!’ and throw a football to him.”

Pam remembered just such an incident. Only in her version, Marie jumped on Jack’s back and rode him while he ran on the beach, throwing the ball back to Brent. A shudder ran down her spine. Memories of Marie would spoil even the innocent football games her family had. Lisa noticed Pam’s silence.

“I’m sorry, Mother. I keep forgetting my walks down memory lane might be painful for you.”

Pam put her arm around Lisa’s shoulder. “Not at all, dear. I’m glad you have good memories. Any memory with Daddy and Brent together has to be one worth cherishing, for me, too.

After lunch, loading Lisa’s car with the kids, she headed for home. At Dan’s insistence, she’d interviewed two women to share nanny duties, and one of them would be waiting at the house. Although Lisa hadn’t figured it out yet, Dan wanted Lisa free to care for his son. “The nanny can take care of Ed’s spawn,” his sister Catherine had said. It was a private joke among Dan’s siblings. Two children couldn’t look less alike: the frail, pale little girl and the robust baby boy with the black, spikey hair. “My brother is never going to love another man’s kid.”

But they were wrong; Dan was already very fond of Megan, buying her toys and expensive clothes, making sure she was well taken care of.

“Make sure she eats,” he’d instructed the nanny. “She’s too skinny.” He picked her up and hugged her. “You eat today, okay, sweetie pie?”

Megan nodded her head. “Dada,” she said, smiling.

Dan’s heart missed a beat. He hugged her again, kissing her cheek.

Later, lying in bed with Cara Ellison, he talked about Megan. “I never thought I’d like her as much as I do. She’s such an easy kid to be around.”

“When I was at your house, I noticed she seemed a little lackluster,” Cara said gently. “Is she healthy?”

Dan got up on an elbow and looked off into space. “I hope so. Maybe I better have her checked out.”

Cara got out of bed and headed to the bathroom.

“Where’re you going?”

“There’s nothing that turns me on more than talking about your kids when we’re in bed together,” she said. Closing the bathroom door, a plan was slowly formulating. She lifted her leg slightly and popped out her diaphragm.

“Put more jelly up there,” he shouted from the bed. “I’ll make it up to you for the baby talk.”

Instead of spermicidal jelly, she dug through the paraphernalia in her bathroom drawer and pulled out a safety pin.
Just a poke or two
, she thought.
Allow fate a chance to take its course.
If she was meant to get pregnant, she would. Her doctor had warned her to consider harvesting her eggs if she wanted children; she was at the precipice of perimenopause. As she put her diaphragm back into place, a little prayer floated through her mind.
Please, let his sperm meet my egg.
It was about mid-cycle for her; the perfect time. She’d never had unprotected sex with Dan, or anyone else for that matter. At least the pregnancy protection kind.

Taking one last glance in the mirror, momentary guilt for betraying Lisa replaced her devious expression with one of regret. After her visit to Lisa, she’d promised herself she wouldn’t sleep with Dan again, but he’d come over the next day, madder than hell, demanding to know what she was up to going to his house, and they ended up in bed again. He’d come over every morning that week for sex, leaving for work after they had coffee. Fluffing her hair, she smiled at her reflection in the mirror. She was going to seduce him one more time before the weekend, making sure he had little or nothing to give his wife.

Standing up tall, walking out with her best Miss America bearing, she got his attention. “Are you ready for me?” she purred. Perfectly posed, she sat on the edge of the bed with her stomach pulled in, chest out, and it was too much for Dan; he grabbed her, forgetting all about Megan and his family back in Smithtown.

~ ~ ~

Pam’s daily routine hadn’t changed. She was up early, doing her favorite puttering around, enjoying the house. Bernice and Nelda lived in what Pam still called the children’s wing, although it was completely transformed into a heavenly place for two women to live out their last years in splendor. Marie’s old room was Annabelle’s, Bernice was in Brent’s, and Nelda in Lisa’s room. The bathroom retrofitted with the newest in geriatric fixtures, they’d be able to stay home no matter what their physical condition. Even the bathtub was accessible by wheelchair if need be.

Sitting on the windowsill in the den, Pam looked out over the sand. Every day, more beachgoers arrived. Soon, after Memorial Day, colorful beach umbrellas would festoon the sand in front of her house. Relieved that there would be no Memorial Day picnic, she was almost certain she’d never have one again. In the first place, there was no one to invite! All the people Jack used to know had slowly drifted off the radar screen. For the first few years, old friends of Jack called daily. Men he golfed with, business associates, even his lovers got in touch with her. Friends of Brent and Lisa would add fun and life to the guest list, but Brent’s friends had also ceased to get in touch, and Lisa had successfully alienated many of her old friends when she married Ed.

Even Pam’s sisters were no longer coming to the beach; after the last picnic, they were so rude to Nelda a family fight led to a falling-out. When Brent was murdered, Pam felt like they were doing her a favor coming to attend the funeral. It was the last association she had, not even sure they knew Lisa had another baby. It was lonely there; the beach unable to offer the same comfort it had in the past since Brent died. A little bit o’ self-pity was trying to creep in when the phone rang. She didn’t recognize the number at first, with a 215 exchange.

“It’s Jason, Pam.” Her heart did a little leap. “I’m headed to Jeff’s and wanted to make sure I’d see you.”

“Of course!” she answered, surprisingly excited. “I’ll be here. Do you want to have dinner together?”

“Thank you, yes, I do. If traffic isn’t too horrid yet, I should be there in three hours.”

Forgetting he was coming from Philadelphia and not Manhattan, Pam shivered.
This is not Jack. Don’t expect Jack. Don’t compare him to Jack.

“I haven’t cooked a decent meal in weeks. What would you like?”

“Something on the grill would be great,” he answered.

Pam was relieved. Grilling was easy. They said good-bye as Pam gathered her purse and keys to run to the store. Food shopping, at one time the highlight of her day, was drudgery without someone appreciative for which to cook. Now that Nelda did most of the cooking, she also did most of the grocery shopping with Annabelle.

Pulling out of the garage, Pam was surprised at how happy she felt. Every evening and sometimes during the day, she’d talked to Jason on the phone, one night for over two hours. They’d covered every topic, keeping things light, but sharing some pain. She knew, for instance, that Jason’s son Aaron, the drug addict, left Pennsylvania after Emily died when she was no longer available to enable him, and Jason refused to take her place.

“My heart was broken at first; I felt like I’d driven my son away. Once he was gone, though, and peace came over my house, I was so sorry Em was gone. I don’t blame Aaron for her death, but he certainly added to her stress.

“The stories came out after he left. Evidently, my wife hid the worst from me. She’d been giving him money, too. I would never have allowed it. My other children couldn’t wait to regale me with the events of the past years she’d protected me from knowing. So I was pissed off at Emily, which didn’t help the grieving process.”

Pam didn’t divulge her own discoveries after Jack died, but she thought a few hidden secrets in a marriage were inevitable. She felt sorry for Emily. It was a mother’s prerogative to support and protect her child. Thinking about Brent and the things she’d heard about him, she still expected the best from him. Emily probably always hoped Aaron would get well.

Traffic wasn’t bad, so Pam decided to drive further to the edge of town to shop at what used to be her most favorite organic grocery store when she cooked every day. She’d dated Dave, the owner of Organic Bonanza for a brief year, but it was a friendship more than a romance. Although she’d avoided going in to shop for a while after they broke up, they’d remained friends. Recently remarried, Pam liked his wife, Jeannie, and they talked on the phone weekly and met for coffee occasionally. The shopping carts were inside the store, and she grabbed one and started making the rounds. The fresh vegetables were near the entrance. Choosing salad greens, she was oblivious to what was going on around her.

“Hello there, stranger!”

She looked up, and Jeannie was standing next to her, smiling, getting ready to grab Pam for a hug.

“I’m shocked to see you! You must be having company tonight.”

“I am,” Pam said, laughing. “Is it that obvious?”

They caught up for a few moments when Jeannie grabbed Pam’s arm again.

“Don’t look now, but your son-in-law just came in, and he’s not alone.” Jeannie knew all about Dan, since Pam broke up with Dave to date him.

Looking out of the corner of her eye, she saw Dan looking over a table of avocados with a very tall blond woman who was resting her hand on Dan’s shoulder. In seconds, the scenario zipped through Pam’s head. If Dan was seeing another woman a week after his wife gave birth, Pam wasn’t going to be the one to tell Lisa. Lisa would never believe her. The best thing to do was observe them and then, before they left the store, say hello to make sure he knew she saw them.

The couple chose items for a salad and moved on. Pam whispered her plan to Jeannie and pushed the cart, following close behind. The open demonstration of affection never happened besides the occasional pat of the hand by the woman. Finally, Pam had enough. Approaching Dan, she cleared her throat.

Dan looked up from a jar of salad dressing the woman was holding, and Pam swore she could see the color leaving his face. Not reacting right away, the wheels of justice were turning. He took a small, sliding step away from his companion, so obvious Pam snickered.

“Shopping for Lisa’s dinner?” Pam remarked.

“As a matter of fact,” Dan stammered. It would be the reason for shopping, now. “This is my friend, Cara.”

Pam held her hand out, but Cara didn’t take it, her expression unreadable.

“Lisa’s mother,” Pam said. An uncomfortable silence followed. “Well, enjoy your shopping trip.” She pulled her cart away, moving along the aisle to the meat department, but her joyful shopping excursion was over. Feeling sick, she looked around for Jeannie again but didn’t see her.