In Memoriam (29 page)

Pam opened the sliding doors to the veranda, and the gentle breezes of an early fall night reminded Sandra of another autumn night years before, when Jack was still alive. They were still only friends, work associates, and a client invited them to the gala opening of a building Jack had worked on. It was an ancient structure with historical significance, and Jack had gone to great lengths negotiating with the different committees that oversaw the restoration of such places.

Overlooking the East River, Sandra remembered standing on the terrace with a hundred other people, and Jack. Everyone faded from existence when he spoke to her. They were drinking something with gin, hers had a maraschino cherry and his had a sliver of lemon. It was so refreshing.

“What is this drink?” she asked.

He tapped his glass with hers. “It’s called a bluebird. It doesn’t have enough blue curacao; it should be blue.”

“Well, thank you very much. It’s delicious.”

Until that night, they’d never crossed the imaginary line drawn between them, the thing that separated co-workers who had chemistry, a reminder that he was a married man and she was young enough to be his daughter.

“You’re very beautiful,” he whispered.

Sandra remembered how since his father had died, powerful Jack seemed vulnerable. She’d known him as the boss’s son when she worked for his father in the Bronx right out of college. Later Jack told his business partner, Peter, that if he wanted to make Jack happy, get the brunette from the Bronx and offer her a job downtown.

They’d worked as a team, and Jack was professional and polite. Then after his father died, he confided in her that his doctor was concerned about his heart and wanted him to walk more. Sandra had no way of knowing that he was an avid tennis player and golfer. Asking her to walk with him during lunch was just a ploy to get to know her better. So after a few months of daily walking dates, they were at this business gathering after dark.

“Thank you, Jack. And you’re very handsome.” She remembered looking at him with the knowledge that she was about to seduce him, not the other way around as people would later think. Sandra wanted Jack. She wanted what he could give her, and she set out to get it the first time he opened the door to her.

Putting her drink down, she took his hand and wound her fingers through his.

“I’m always the one to make the first move,” he said, smiling. “I think the earth just shifted on its axis.”

She burst out laughing. “You didn’t just use that cliché on me, did you?”

He hesitated. “I guess I did!” He moved in closer to her. “You might be the first woman I’ve ever wanted who’s made me nervous.” Looking into her eyes, she didn’t think he was joking. He really was uncertain.

“And why am I making you nervous,” she asked, getting closer, ready to kiss him but making him wait, making him sweat.

“I feel differently about you.” He almost slipped up. Now, of course, she knew what he was going to say but caught himself. He was seeing several women. But according to his friends, Jack stopped sleeping with them once he started to see Sandra. If Ashton could be trusted, Jack was going to leave Pam for Sandra. Death prevented it, but she didn’t want to think about his death.

Jack was unlike anyone else. Something about him was so powerful; being in his presence was the most intense foreplay. When they finally got around to doing it, she remembered how disappointed she was, like he was holding back. She thought it might be guilt because of Pam. Now she believed there was so much pathology in his makeup that he was incapable of a normal intimate relationship.
Why am I still carrying a torch for him?

“Penny for your thoughts.” Pam came out on the veranda with a glass of wine for Sandra. Handing it to her, she remembered. “Oops, I shouldn’t offer you that.”

“Oh, hell no,” she said. “Give it over.” They laughed and toasted.

“To the beach,” Pam said. “May it do its work this weekend.”

“Hear, hear.”

“I’ve got news,” Pam said, looking out at the water. It was pitch black, but there were the familiar dots of light out to sea as a vessel moved slowly along the horizon.

“What?” Sandra said, thinking,
It has to be about poor Lisa
. The tabloids were full of it;
Former Miss New York Assaults Husband of Lisa Smith
,
Daughter of the Infamous Late Jack Smith,
blah, blah, blah.

“I’m getting married.”

Sandra put her glass down and grabbed Pam, genuinely thrilled for her and simultaneously shocked. “To Jason? Of course to Jason! Congratulations!” She asked for details and Pam provided them, keeping it light and positive, not mentioning Jack or her misgivings about her ability to love again.

“Well, I’m so happy for you, Pam. I know what a huge step this is for you. Anything I can do for you, anything at all, you only have to ask me, is that understood?”

“Thank you, Sandra, you’re very kind.”

“How am I kind? You’re my friend.”

“Well, it’s sort of lousy timing with everything that is going on with you.”

“You mean about Tom? Pam, it’s fine, believe me. I’m completely at peace. Everything is falling into place. I’m not even longing for a relationship. It was a little lonely this summer, I have to admit it, but I got through it, and now I’m fine.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. Everything with Lisa and Dan and then meeting Jason, I guess I wasn’t a very good friend.”

“You were fine, Pam. I know you were with Jason every weekend. It wasn’t your job to entertain me.” She finished her glass of wine and stifled a yawn.

“I guess I better get upstairs and get some sleep.” They embraced, and Sandra repeated the congratulations.

The next morning, Pam was reminded what it was like to have two little ones in the house again. Bernice and Nelda were having a great time, and Pam couldn’t get enough of Brent. “These two are the same years apart as mine were,” she said. “You have a nanny, correct?”

“I have two,” Sandra said. “They’re driving out from the Bronx today, if that’s okay with you. Usually just one works, but since we’re at the beach, I thought it might be fun if they came together.”

When the nannies arrived, they stayed close by in case the grandmothers needed a break from childcare. Sandra ran upstairs to put her bathing suit on. “It’s still summer, correct?”

The trouble didn’t start until she came back down. Jason had arrived right before Sandra went to change. Pam had her first misgivings then.

“Your friend is very young, isn’t she?” he asked, innocently enough.

Pam nodded, pouring a cup of coffee for him.

“She’s beautiful.”

Pam stopped and looked straight ahead at the cabinet in front of her, wondering what would provoke a comment about Sandra’s appearance. “Yes,” Pam replied, turning around. “And how
kind
of you to notice.”

Jason didn’t catch the tone and, unwisely, continued to yammer on about it. “Jeff told me about Sandra,” he said conspiratorially.

Shocked, Pam tried to stay calm, deciding to feign ignorance. She was
not
going to go there with Jason. Jack and Sandra were
her
private domain; she couldn’t believe Jeff could be so casual about it.

“Oh, what did he say?”

Jason had either never dealt with a woman scorned or was not as smart as Pam had given him credit for.

“He told me Sandra was having an affair with Jack, but you were able to forgive her. That’s amazing, Pam. Don’t know many people who could do it.”

Emotion flooded over her as the betrayal of Jeff Babcock repeating her private secrets hurt her almost as badly as Jack’s affair with Sandra. “I told him in confidence. I’m so hurt he repeated it.”

Jason realized what he’d done, giving voice to something that still obviously continued to bother her. “Gosh, I am really sorry, Pam. Honestly, I didn’t think it was a big deal because she’s here, or I wouldn’t have said anything.”

“The big deal is that Jeff betrayed my confidence. Frankly, I’m stunned. And Sandra is here because she gave birth to my grandson, Brent’s son. I’m wondering why I am being put in the position to have to explain it or defend it.” She wasn’t even sure if she was making herself understood. “You know, let’s just drop it. There is no point at all in arguing about it.” She was worried that Jeff may have divulged other personal information, things only a trusted friend and confidant would know, to Jason, who she thought she might not know as well as she should.

“I’m sorry, but you’re right. We should drop it.” He looked around the kitchen and then out the window; the sky was getting dark for what was supposed to be the sunny, last summer weekend holiday of the year. “Look at that sky.”

Pam looked up from the sink. “Oh no, it’s supposed to be nice out all weekend. I was looking forward to enjoying a nice picnic.”

“Who’s coming?”

“Just us, Lisa and her family, and Jeff and Ted and his family.” Now she was sorry she’d invited Jeff.

“What are you making?” He stood over her, watching her peeling potatoes.

She looked at him to see if he was teasing her. “A lemon cake,” she said, rife with sarcasm. He didn’t get it at first, staring at the potatoes. She imagined he was trying to decide whether to ask for clarification or let it go.

“Oh, gotcha. Sorry,” he said, hitting her arm, and then burst out laughing. “It takes me a while.”

“I see that,” she said.

“Just making conversation,” Jason replied.

“Well, I need a few minutes to recover,” Pam explained. “I like my skeletons to be revealed at my discretion. You can tell Jeff that later, if you’d like. I don’t think I’ll be talking to him anytime soon.”

“Oh, I’m sorry again, Pam. I don’t want to be the person to destroy your friendship with him.”

“You didn’t destroy it, Jason. He did. All you did was carry the story. And please don’t let it go any further. I’m sure he and Ted have better things to talk about, although Ted already knows. My private business is all over New York.”
Thanks to Jack.

“I won’t, I promise.” It was at just this imperfect juncture that Sandra decided to appear in a white bikini with a thong bottom, exposing her perfectly round derriere. Pam held on to the counter when Sandra walked away toward the veranda. Looking at Jason to see what his response was, Pam could barely contain herself.

“I’d have to be dead not to notice, right?” he whispered, shrugging his shoulders and looking away.

But it was the last straw for Pam. “Sandra, you’re kidding, right?”

She turned around to come back. “About what?”

“About your ass hanging out of your suit. Please, at least while Jason is here, do you think you could cover up?”

Sandra looked like she’d been slapped, but didn’t get defensive. “Okay, no problem.” She kept her back to the wall and went up the stairs again. Minutes later, she came down with a cover-up. “Better?” Doing a twirl in the kitchen, she smiled at Pam and went to kiss her on the cheek.

“Yes, much,” Pam said. But her heart was still pounding, and her resolve to stay calm was disintegrating. The people she felt had her back had let her down: Jeff by telling her secrets, Jason by repeating them, and Sandra by flaunting her body right after Pam had confessed her deteriorating self-confidence.

That morning while they were having coffee, in the middle of Pam telling her about what a great guy Jason was, Sandra asked
the
question.

“How’s your love life?”

“It’s nice,” Pam answered truthfully. “But after all my plastic surgery, I still feel like I don’t measure up. I’m glad my drapes are the light-reducing kind.”

Pam thought she was probably paranoid, that Sandra just had a great body and was spending the day at the beach, not trying to show her up in front of Jason. But the effect it had was that she was unable to relax for the rest of the day, keeping her eye on Jason and Sandra, cringing whenever he talked to her.

Later, Jeff, Ted and Ted’s family arrived, and Pam did everything she could to stay out of Jeff’s way. Finally, when Lisa, Dan and the Fords arrived with the children, Pam was so distraught she had to force herself to greet them. Lisa pulled her aside after the Fords settled in and Dan disappeared,
probably to flirt with Sandra.

“Mother,
what
is wrong? I can see by your face you’re upset.”

Pam led her into the pantry. “Lisa, I’m afraid if I start talking, I won’t be able to stop.”

Lisa gently put her hand to her mother’s face. Pam had always been there for her, no matter how awful Lisa treated her. Now it was her turn to try to be there for her. Taking a deep breath, she went on, sure whatever happened was Lisa’s fault. “No matter what it is, we can work through this together.”

“Everything that could go wrong is going wrong. It’s all silly stuff, too. Jeff told Jason about Daddy and Sandra. Sandra came out in a thong bikini. Do you see what I mean? When I repeat it, it’s so childish. But I want to strangle Jeff, and I didn’t like Jason’s tone when he told me what he knew.”

“Mother, those are tangible insults. You should be furious,” Lisa replied, so happy she wasn’t the guilty party this time. “Do you want to go and lie down? I’ll tell them you have a headache.”

“I’m tempted, but I better pull myself together. My grandchildren are waiting, and I want to spend time with Gladys. By the way, did you bring your nannies?” Pam asked, tongue in cheek. “Sandra has two upstairs.”

Lisa started to laugh. “No, we gave her the day off.”

“I feel better. Thank you, Lisa,” Pam said, kissing her cheek. “Time to play hostess.”

As she headed for the veranda, Sandra came in with a tray of dirty glasses.

“Ask the grandmothers to bring the children out, will you?” Pam asked. “It’s time to play on the beach.”

“Okay, good idea,” Sandra answered.

Lisa winked at her mother. Pam was taking charge once again.

By Monday, life calmed down to a dull roar as life at the beach returned to normal. Mother Nature pulled the switch overnight; the hot, sunny summer was over, replaced by a gray, fall day. The wind whipped debris over the beach, and for the first time, Pam noticed the grasses planted along the perennial border had changed color. It was depressing.