In Rude Health (4 page)

And a torrent of faecal matter.

Nurse, Norwich

As a student doctor, it was my duty to help file printed reports. I once came across the X-ray report of a patient with one of those telescopic umbrellas lodged in his rectum
– all those moving parts were quite a sight, rather like a mechanical spider.

As I went to place it in the correct file, I couldn’t help read the notes by the surgeon who removed it: it was noted that he considered it ‘extremely important not to disengage the
spring lock during removal.’

Doctor, Sheffield

I will never forget the man who got his penis trapped in a ring spanner. He had been masturbating with the greased-up wrench – no, I can’t imagine it either –
and it got stuck. His willy started to swell like crazy and after several hours he knew he had to come to A&E. We attempted to decompress the inflated member with a syringe, but that
wasn’t working well enough to remove it, so we were at a loss of what to do.

In the end we had to call a fireman in to get the wrench off with an industrial hacksaw. The tool (the offending wrench, not his member) was made of high-tensile steel so it took a VERY long
time. And the hacksaw wasn’t the most accurate of implements. We had to wear protective eyewear. The sparks were going everywhere. We had to coat his prick in cream to make sure it
wasn’t burned.

All the patient could say was, ‘I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry!’

Nurse, Livingston

A man came into our A&E with a vacuum cleaner nozzle stuck on his penis. He had on a very long trench coat to disguise the fact. What no one could understand was why he
didn’t just remove the hose from the vacuum when he came in, rather than towing it behind him and his trench coat.

Nurse, Scarborough

Some poor sod suffering from haemorrhoids wanted to see them. It transpired that he stood naked at the top of the stairs in his semi, bent over and looked between his legs,
because there was a large mirror mounted there. He pulled apart his butt cheeks and, lo-and-behold, there lay the kingdom of the haemorrhoid hanging like an over-ripe bunch of red grapes.
Unfortunately, such a position was never going to be very stable. He lost his balance, rocked forward and fell down the stairs face first, ploughing down the rough carpet as he went. It was the
worst facial carpet burn I’ve ever seen.

A&E Consultant, Rhyl

We once got called to attend a woman who had collapsed at her daughter’s birthday party. We found her prone in the livingroom, surrounded by wailing kids and a clown in
full make-up standing over her. I’ve never liked clowns and feared the worst.

Turned out she’d overexerted herself inflating the balloons and ended up with a pneumothorax – a collapsed lung. Saying that, I still don’t like clowns.

Paramedic, Bolton

A patient had been playing badminton, at some sort of championship level. Whether she was winning or not I don’t know, but she seemed to have been quite a pro at it. If
you’ve never seen a shuttlecock before, it is basically a cone made of feathers with half a polystyrene ball stuck to the pointy end, to lend weight and stop it taking someone’s eye
out.

Anyway, they’re playing away when her opponent smashes the shuttlecock so it goes really fast, hopefully to a corner or at least out of reach. However, his aim is a bit off and the
shuttlecock goes right at his opponent, and
into her mouth
.

The pointy end is at the back of her throat and making her gag, but the feathered bit of the cone is behind her teeth, because it had been hit with such force. Neither she nor the other player
who hit the shot can get the shuttlecock out. Let me tell you, the sight of her sitting in the waiting room for A&E in her tennis whites and with the most ridiculous expression on her face... I
could barely stop myself from laughing as I cut it out.

Doctor, Walsall

Bonfire night is always busy for A&E, but this incident sticks in my mind, particularly as the unfortunate patient’s mates later posted the video online.

A young man had been having some fun drinking lager and throwing lit fireworks at people, when his mates suggested he ‘shoot one at the moon’. He takes out a particularly large
rocket he’d been saving up, pulls his trousers down, lies on his back and hooks his arms through his legs. He then slips the stand of the firework into his rectum, lights the fuse and shouts,
‘Fire in the hole!’

What must have seemed to be a great idea at the time literally backfired, resulting in the man receiving severe and very painful burns to his cheeks, back and private parts.

I was told by attending friends that no one even looked up at the firework exploding as the sight of this writhing specimen was rather captivating.

Burns Specialist, Worcester

We can probably all remember the spitting, swearing, swivel-eyed demon that was the sports teacher at school. How he raged as we limped up and down the football pitch,
surrendering goal after goal as he cursed our ineptitude and wore a groove in the turf.

Well, I had one come in to A&E who was as quiet as a mouse – completely compliant and very different to any I’ve experienced before or since. Of course, it could have had
something to do with his injury; before he discovered this new Zen-like calm he’d been raving like the best of them at a hockey match, when he shouted so loudly and so wildly that he
dislocated his jaw!

Consultant Maxillofacial Surgeon, Leeds

During the cold weather last Christmas we had to stitch up several new arse cracks. A man had cut himself when deciding to jump up and down on the roof of a bus stop, naked
from the waist down, singing Jingle Bells at the top of his lungs. It had been snowing heavily for a couple of days, so when the bus stop roof shattered, there was a thick layer of snow beneath to
break his fall. Sadly for him, it also meant some of the shards were stuck sharp side up, perfectly positioned to tear him a new one... or two.

Registrar, Preston

This was a first for me: a patient, who had been chopping wood with an axe, missed and ploughed the blade straight into his foot (he had been wearing canvas shoes, which had
not helped at all). The stunning thing was that he hadn’t even scratched any of the bones – just cut the skin clean through to about halfway down the foot, like splitting a piece of
wood. Whereas on first seeing the wound I had assumed amputation was a distinct possibility, he made a pretty remarkable recovery.

Reconstructive Surgeon, Cambridge

A few years ago I remember we had a couple of young kids brought, who must have been watching too much Merlin, because they’d decided to have a jousting tournament on
bicycles. They ‘prepared’ for this medieval folly by tying saucepans to their heads, sticking a pillow up their jumpers and using dustbin lids for shields. For lances, they use a couple
of mops.

The two youngsters went to either end of the street on their bikes, and then went at each other full pelt. The results weren’t pretty. The lances missed their marks, thankfully, but the
bikes did not; and the two gallants were flung into each other. Teeth everywhere, huge grazes, a broken bone or two.

Charge Nurse, Nottingham

I had a patient who presented with a bad back, which I quickly found to be pulled back muscles. I asked if he was doing anything strenuous when the injury occurred and he went
bright red and mumbled, ‘Well, to be honest, I’ve been having quite bad constipation recently, and I think I was trying too hard to push something out.’

That’s right: a man was having a shit and pulled muscles in his back. A classic case of someone needing to eat more green vegetables.

GP, Portsmouth

15 unusual things I’ve found in the crevices of incredibly fat people:

A chicken leg

A cheque book

Members of the green army from the board game Risk

A computer mouse

Two used condoms

A torch

A bar of soap

Hair scissors and a comb

Batteries

A ham and mustard sandwich

A stapler

A mousetrap

A cricket ball

A pocket-size Bible

An Eagle Eyes Action Man

Community Support Nurse, Staines

A kinky 39-year-old guy had been copying a scene from a porn film where a live eel is put up someone’s bum. Apparently he’d done it before, with complete success,
but this time he lost his grip on the slippery customer, and it vanished straight into his bowels. After realising he couldn’t get it out, the man rushed round to the nearest A&E, which
happened to be ours...

As he came through the doors, he shouted, ‘Please, please help me. An eel is moving through my body!’ Naturally, he was rushed straight through, as much for his mental health as
anything – and, let’s face it, nobody else would have sat next to him after that.

After establishing that he was not off his head or high as a kite, our duty surgeon spent almost an hour trying to coax the eel out with a suction machine. He eventually succeeded, though the
poor blighter died shortly afterwards. The eel that is. The perv was perfectly fine.

Registrar, London

A woman was cleaning up the mess left by her hairy biker husband after he’d decided to strip his motorcycle engine on the kitchen table before putting the parts back
together and taking it for a spin. One of the things he was using was a bowl of petrol (apparently it is great for getting rid of grease). She took this bowl and, not knowing what to do with the
contents, decided to pour them down the loo. Her husband came back, lit a cigarette and, happy with his bike, went to the bathroom.