In Too Deep (13 page)

Suddenly, I want to mix things up, surprise him, come out of left field with something he
doesn’t
know about.

NEMESIS: Splendid! My splendid, bold Gwendolynne … I knew I could rely on you. Please, go on.

Cheeky sod! He’s so convinced that he controls me!

I smile, and regain my centre as some of the unreality clicks back into a more real place. I can play him at his own game. I can match him. There’s nothing to be scared of … I know him.

LIBRARYGIRL: I went out for a walk this evening. And I saw a man and a woman in an alley, fucking. It was one of the hottest things I’ve ever seen in my life.

Yes, second only to watching a beautiful academic tossing himself off in the downstairs washroom at work. Maybe
I
should tell you about that one, Daniel/Nemesis? See what you think about it, eh?

The cursor blinks. I can almost hear him saying, ‘Er … what?’

Will he accept my gambit? Play along with my direction? Or be like my ex-husband, and get pissed off when things don’t go his way? But I can’t see him behaving like a spoilt brat somehow. He might be devious, and a major perv, but he’s still a grown-up.

He’s taking a damned long time to reply, though.

But eventually …

NEMESIS: Really? Well, that’s not exactly the story I was expecting, but it sounds intriguing. I’d love to hear more about your rambunctious friends in the alley. Please expatiate.

Rambunctious? Expatiate? Oh, yes, you definitely
are
Daniel …

LIBRARYGIRL: I went out to get some air. I needed to clear my head. I have a lot on my mind at the moment.

Make of that what you will …

LIBRARYGIRL: I decided to get a bus home. I was hurrying to the bus station and I took a short cut. I heard a sound and I saw them. He had her up against a wall and he was shagging her. She had her ankles around his back and his trousers were at half mast. He was really putting it to her and she was moaning and groaning, writhing about and giving just as good as she was getting.

And I was envious, I almost tell him. But I hold back. I’m not handing him all the goodies on a plate at once.

NEMESIS: That sounds like a delicious scenario. You’re very lucky, Gwendolynne. I wish I’d been there with you. Perhaps I might have dragged you into the next alley and done the same to you. Would you have liked that?

But you did, didn’t you? Or something like it? The image of the alley lovers fades in my imagination, replaced by the far
more
vivid, the full sensory memory of being overwhelmed in the mop alcove by Daniel. Kissed and caressed by this strange man I hardly know, brought to orgasm, subjected to his whim, yet also gently cherished.

NEMESIS: Gwendolynne, are you there? Would you like to be in an alley somewhere, fucking me?

Hell, yes! Right now, nothing more so.

LIBRARYGIRL: Yes …

NEMESIS: If I sent for you, to meet me somewhere, would you come? If I sent for you now, would you let me fuck you? Against a wall?

If I did, the game would be over. Am I ready for the new game?

LIBRARYGIRL: It’s late. I need to get up for work in the morning. It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s practicalities, Nemesis. Boring, but a fact of life.

I’ve killed it. I’ve spoilt it all now. I can almost taste his disappointment in the air, across the Wi-Fi, along the ADSL. I’m chicken girl.

NEMESIS: You’re right, my Queen of the Library. I’m being ridiculous. I’m letting my obsession with you get the better of me, and forgetting that you have a life to lead. Perhaps I should let you get some sleep now?

Yikes, so serious. So sensible. I’m touched by his consideration but, contrarily, I
want
ridiculous now. I want the thrill again, the teetering-on-the-brink-of-madness feeling

LIBRARYGIRL: I didn’t say I didn’t want to chat. And anyway, I never answered your first question. About the forfeit.

Moments tick past and, just when I’m about to query again, words stream on to the screen.

NEMESIS: Bravo, my beautiful Gwendolynne. I knew you wouldn’t disappoint me. Did you do as I say? Did you show yourself to a man?

I slump with relief against the pillows. I feel loose again. Sexy. Still heart-thuddingly nervous, but also relaxed, as if in the company of an old friend. And he feels like an old friend, this dual-natured, tantalising playmate of mine. Even though in truth I barely know him in either of his guises.

LIBRARYGIRL: Yes, I did. In the library. Just briefly.

NEMESIS: And who is this lucky fellow? Is he worthy of you? Does he appreciate the gift he was given?

Putting his real name into our chat feels risky. It’s like getting too close to collapsing the game again.

LIBRARYGIRL: He’s just a man, a random man – a pair of eyes to look at me. That’s all.

There’s another long, long silence, punctuated by the blinking cursor and the commentary on the television. As the tension builds I reach for the handset and press the mute. Insanely, I’m afraid I’ll miss Nemesis’s answer if I’m distracted by the box.

NEMESIS: How lucky he is. To see your beauty. To see your sex. Every detail of it. Did you exhibit yourself to him? Allow him to see the sweet flower of your cunt … the perfect pink folds … your clit? Ah yes, how fortunate he is … to be able to see it.

I wish I could hear his voice. Those words. They’re just pixels on a screen, but impossibly there’s an unmistakeable nuance to them. What is it? Irony? It’s ridiculous, but I get a fleeting sense of bitterness somehow, a sadness about that phrasing.

And he keeps repeating the word ‘see’.

LIBRARYGIRL: Don’t worry, he only got a quick flash. You know just as much about my pussy as he does.

Especially as you’ve touched it.

I type in the words ‘are you Daniel?’ then delete them. It’s too soon. He’ll tell me in his own good time.

NEMESIS: How did it make you feel? To do something so daring, so naughty? Did it turn you on?

Did it? Hell, yes! It’s turning me on now. Sex in my marriage was nice, but pretty safe and ordinary. Not a bit like all this.

LIBRARYGIRL: Yes. Yes, it did.

He wants me to elaborate, that’s obvious, but he’s bloody well going to have to
ask
if he wants more details. I can sense him smiling, wherever he is, but I don’t see his face this time, just the ghost of a pair of beautiful lips curving and the glint of white teeth. God, this is so weird! It’s almost as if Daniel and Nemesis are separating again, and the tiniest whisper of doubt about my conclusions nags my brain.

NEMESIS: And did you do anything about that? Did you proposition this random man of yours and ask him to fuck you and ease your frustration? Or did you sneak off to a secret place and attend to yourself?

Ah ha, clever clogs, neither of those!

I almost type that but, for a moment, I’m shaking too hard. This is a strange dance. A game of cat and mouse. I should speak out, demand clarity, demand his identity. But I know I won’t. I’m prevented from doing that, and my gut tells me he’s bound by the same inhibition. A bondage of the mind that he’s wound both of us into without either of us realising it. I was never like this before. I’ve never even imagined such a sensual and intellectual joust. But now it’s as essential as drawing breath.

LIBRARYGIRL: No, I didn’t. I didn’t do either of those things.

A pause.

LIBRARYGIRL: Although I wanted to, either one of them. Or both!

Now I hope that he’s drawing breath. Or something. Either way, he takes a minute to absorb what I’ve said and, as the seconds tick, the need to ‘attend to myself’ right now grows and grows.

NEMESIS: What? No release for my delicious Gwendolynne?
That’s
a crying shame. A beautiful woman like you should never be left wanting. You shouldn’t deny yourself, ever.

It’s his turn to pause, and leave me on tenterhooks.

NEMESIS: Unless, of course, I tell you to deny yourself.

LIBRARYGIRL: I never said that I didn’t come.

Yeah, make what you will of that one, Mr – or should I say Professor – Know-it-all!

The cursor flashes and flashes and I consider my options. Shall I make a cup of tea? Shall I turn up the sound on
Police Camera, Action
? Shall I slip my hand into my pyjama bottoms and attend to myself? It would be stealing secret pleasure right out from under Nemesis’s unknowing cybernose, and beating him at his own game. Yet I have the eeriest feeling that he’d know if I touched myself. He’d just know.

Despite that, I’m tugging at my drawstring waistband when words start to stream into the chat box again.

NEMESIS: Dear Lord, you are the most tantalising and wayward woman, my Gwendolynne. You really do seem to delight in perplexing and teasing me.

Pot, kettle, kettle, pot!

NEMESIS: I expect you to give me total frankness and you evade and deceive me at every turn. I really should punish you with another forfeit. Or maybe we should elevate our game to the next level?

LIBRARYGIRL: What’s that?

Can he hear my heart pounding?

NEMESIS: On the next level we meet, and I
really
punish you.

Oh my God. That’s what I want, I think. But I also don’t want it. I’m afraid of the new game, and yet I’m starting to get frustrated by the subterfuge. My playmate’s contrariness is starting to rub off on me and I don’t think either of us really knows what we want now.

But fantasies of punishment make me push my hand defiantly between my legs. I will have my pleasure now, and screw him! I groan as I discover swimming wetness.

Visions of Daniel standing over me, clad in black and with his features half covered by a leather mask, set me squirming against the bed with my laptop rocking on my knees. I keep Nemesis waiting deliberately while I strum and flick at my clit. The two personae are fused in my mind now, regardless of reality. Nemesis has Daniel’s beautiful face as he looms over me like a prince of sensual menace.

My clitoris is so sensitive, I can hardly bear to touch it, but still I go on pushing myself – punishing myself – by relentlessly going back and forth and round and round. I keep expecting the demand ‘Gwendolynne, what are you doing?’ Especially when I take the tiny bud of flesh between my fingertips and gently tug it. I hover on the brink. Teeter over the crevasse. Stand, metaphorically, on the tips of my toes at the top of the ski jump. And then, amazingly, I pull back. Because of him.

My fingers are pungent and glistening with my arousal as I apply them to the keyboard and start to type.

LIBRARYGIRL: When did I ever say I was definitely going to give you total frankness? I don’t remember that.

NEMESIS: Touché!

Is that all? No more words appear for a few moments, and I start to panic. What if he’s not interested in anything less than total frankness? But then, that’s BS. He’s not being open with me, is he? All this masquerading behind silly names!

I’m virtually certain that Daniel is Nemesis and, what’s more, I’m willing to bet that he knows I know. So what if we do begin the new game? I can take it! Hell, I
want
it!

Not thinking too deeply about the consequences, I start to type again.

LIBRARYGIRL: I think I ought to be frank though. I need to confess some more stuff. It’s preying on my mind, and who can I tell if I don’t tell you?

In either of your guises.

NEMESIS: That’s better. Now we’re getting somewhere. You said that you came after you showed this random man of yours your pussy. Tell me more details. I want to know everything that happened. Hold nothing back.

Well, I suppose he’ll enjoy it from a different perspective this time. And maybe I
will
cheat? That’ll add a bit more spice.

LIBRARYGIRL: When I showed him my pussy he got excited. He got all stiff in his jeans and I thought, seeing as how he’d seen mine, I wanted to see his.

NEMESIS: Seems fair.

LIBRARYGIRL: So I sort of leapt at him and unzipped him and got him out.

NEMESIS: You mean that you unfastened the trousers of this random man you barely know and exposed his penis? Where on earth did all this happen? Not in the Lending Library surely?

LIBRARYGIRL: No! Of course not. Even I’m not
that
crazy.

NEMESIS: Where then? I asked for details, remember, and I’m getting very few of them. Remember that forfeit?

How can I forget? There’s a partitioned bit of my brain that won’t stop thinking about it. Imagining punishment. Delicious mock humiliation that makes me melt and quiver. The ministrations of some as yet unencountered and mysterious facet of Professor Daniel Brewster.

LIBRARYGIRL: There’s this place in the library. Down in the basement. It’s very secluded, a secret librarians’ hideaway. Perfect for that sort of thing.

NEMESIS: What sort of thing?

LIBRARYGIRL: Hold on, I’m getting to it.

I so want to touch myself again, but he’s forcing me to type. The bastard, he’s the one who deserves to be punished. For a moment I drift off behind my partition into a fantasy of me in a leather outfit. I’ve lost a bit of weight and I look amazing – and he’s kneeling before me. I see him as an idealised male form, an archetype of smooth muscle and gleaming skin, but his hair is dark and wild, Daniel’s hair. I see no face as he has his lips pressed to my shiny polished boot.

My fingers float over the keyboard, and I almost start describing the subjugated man, then I remember what I’m supposed to be telling Nemesis about.

LIBRARYGIRL: He was beautiful and big and I sucked him. He filled my mouth and he was salty and fine and delicious. I sucked him until he came and I swallowed the lot. It was yummy.

NEMESIS: You mean that you performed oral sex on this stranger, this random man?

LIBRARYGIRL: He’s not a stranger. I know him slightly. I fancy him. In fact he’s just the sort of man I’d give a blow job to anyway.

I seem to taste Daniel’s flavour again, and it’s blended with an aroma of raw sexual excitement that hums over the telephone network, shooting at bits or bytes per second from Nemesis to me. It’s as if I can feel the energy and blood that’s stiffening his cock.