In Xanadu (31 page)

"What
is
your
good
name,
sahib?'
asked
the
customs
officer 'and
what
is
your
mother
country?'

I
told
him.
They
were
the
old
familiar
Indian
questions,
he took
down
a
few
more
formal
details.

'Are
you
wod?'
he
asked.

"What
do
you
mean?'

'Are
you
and
lady
wod?'

That's
not
English.'

"You
do
not
speak
English,
sahib?'

'I
am
English.'
There
didn't
seem
any
point
in
muddling
the issue
by
bringing
in
Scotland.

"You
have
some
words
of
English?'

"Yes,
a
number.
I
AM
AN
ENGLISHMAN.'

This
was
an
aspect
of
India
that
I
had
forgotten.

'Are
you
and
lady
wod?'

He
made
an
obscene
gesture
with
the
first
finger
of
his
right hand.

"Wed!
Do
you
mean
are
we
wed?' "Yes,
are
you
and
lady
wod?'

'No.'
It
was
the
first
time
we
had
admitted
to
not
being
married
since
Dogubayazit. 'Not
wod?'

NO
I
AM
NOT
WED.'

'I
am
sorry,
sahib.
I
am
not
understanding
your
English.
I think
perhaps
that
you
are
not
speaking
English
good.
Sahib, may
I
ask
what
is
your
mother
tongue?'

I've told you that. I am an Englishman and I speak English extremely well. Jesus Christ' Jesus?'

He is calling on his God,' explained the second customs officer.

You are angry with me, sahib?'

No, I am not angry with you, I just want to get on.'

Sahib, just one question.'

What?'

'You like bottom?' He pointed at me. I look like?'

'No, no sahib. You
like
bottom? I like bottom.'

'I don't understand,' I said. I really didn't.

'Bottom, bottom,' he said wiggling his head from side to side in ihe Indian manner. 'I like bottom. I am bottom fan. You like bottom?'

'Well, I like some bottoms,' I said.