Indwell (Chasing Natalie's Ghosts) (12 page)

“I do,” he said simply. It was all I needed. Just to know that this person who was going to give me his home, his time, believed in what was killing me. I sighed, louder than I meant to. I was so relieved. If he had said no or maybe, then I knew that I would be completely alone in my darkness. I looked up at him and he was looking at me still. We just seemed to freeze in time. He knew more about my suffering then I would have ever thought possible. It was at that moment that I knew there was a greater purpose for our meeting. There was a reason. It was our destiny to meet and to be here now. I just didn’t know why yet.

I trembled as he slowly put his hands around my waist and pulled me onto his lap. He cradled me in his arms, holding me tight. I saw the tears in his eyes. He was just as confused as I was. This was beyond us. There was a greater pull here than either of us could ever understand. It went beyond this lifetime. It travelled further. I knew him so much more than I realized. We have shared adventures together that neither of us could comprehend. The pull, the physical attraction that seemed to hurt, it was more than just love or lust.

I tried to deny him in my mind. I tried to be rationale. I loved Adam, even though he was untouchable now. I knew I couldn’t wait till death to be loved again, but I didn’t want it to happen so soon. I felt like I was betraying the love of my life. How could I possibly do such a thing? Adam was beautiful, inside and out. I have never met anyone as sweet and I never will again. So why was Hayden such a force? Why did I feel like I had to resist him? Why would I want too? Did he want me to refuse him?

10. BETRAYAL

It was my first morning at Hayden’s and I have never felt so rested in all my life. I jumped out of bed, quickly pulled the sheets and the blankets up and folded it into the wall. I was wearing the black nightgown he gave me. I didn’t feel cold so I left the room and washed up in the bathroom. When I was finished, I couldn’t help but open his body wash bottle and take in the scent. It smelled so familiar. I tried but I just couldn’t place the scent, it was like the memory was right there, on the tip of my tongue. I quickly placed it back down on the tub. As I walked out, Hayden was standing by the door.

“Good Morning my little one!” he said smiling.

“Good Morning roomy,” I said smiling back.

“I’ve made coffee, but I don’t know if you drink it or not?” he asked.

“I do like a little in the morning. Thank you, I think I’ll have some,” I said, still feeling like a guest. Hayden led me to the kitchen. I sat on the stool and looked at him.

“What can I make you for breakfast?” he asked. I wasn’t really feeling too hungry. In the hospital I hadn’t been eating very much. The idea of a big meal made me feel sick.

“The fruit salad I ate last night was good. If you have any more left that would be great? Or this orange will be fine,” I said grabbing the fruit from the basket on his counter.

“Well I guess that explains why you’re so tiny. You are not going to be a burden at all are you?” he said, jokingly.

“I told you I didn’t want to inconvenience you,” I smiled. He walked over to me, looking scruffy but beautiful. He reached for my hands, I gave them to him. He stared at me for a moment.

“I want to take you out today, if you’d like to that is,” he asked

“Sure. Where are we going to go? I don’t really want to be around the
living
too much though,” I said, forgetting that was the way Adam and I would talk about going out. I gasped as I looked up at him. He was staring at me, expressionless. I wish I could have read his thoughts. He quickly shook off whatever he was thinking.

“I promise no people,” he smiled quickly.

“Sounds great,” I said, trying to recover from my mistake.

After breakfast I went to change into my jeans and a white tee shirt. The low neck line exposed the bones along my collarbone and my shoulders were jutting through. I had lost a lot of weight during my hospital stay. I brushed my long brown hair and grabbed my white hoodie that Hayden bought me and walked back out to the living room. He was waiting for me in his chair by the window. I didn’t see him at first. I stopped suddenly in the middle of the room. I felt weak all of a sudden. The dread of going out overpowered me and I collapsed to the floor. Hayden was beside me quickly, he held my arms, resting my body against him as I knelt on the floor.

“What’s wrong?” he asked. “If you don’t want to go we don’t have to. We can stay here. I’ll stay here with you,” he told me so sweetly.

“I’m sorry,” I cried, as tears began to fall down my cheeks again.

“I guess I’m not ready yet. I am not ready to join the… world yet,” I said, resisting using the word
living
. I was so afraid of leaving this apartment. I didn’t want to know what else might be out there waiting for me, living or not.

Hayden was so patient with me over the next few days. He asked me what movies I liked one morning and by that afternoon he had five different ones for me to watch. He would go out and come back off and on throughout the day. I wondered what he did that provided him with so much freedom to come back and check on me so much. I told him that I would be alright alone, that I didn’t mind, but he insisted, saying it just made him feel better knowing I was safe. I was beginning to think that he thought I was still suicidal and he was on watch. I wondered if the psychologist had talked to him before we left the hospital or worse maybe he talked to my mother.

One evening we just finished watching another movie when I decided I needed to know more about my wonderful host. He turned off the television and put on some music. He poured himself a glass of wine. I think he sensed I was in the mood for talking. I was sitting up straight on his couch, my legs crossed, staring at the beautiful painting above his fireplace.

“Do you like it?” he asked noticing my gaze. It was an abstract painting, the kind that drew you in, knowing there was a meaning for you in it that would be different from anyone else’s.

“The colors are wonderful,” I replied, not being much of an art critic.

“All I know is that I like it, I don’t think I can explain it,” I said, trying not to sound simple.

“My mother is an artist. She can sketch nature scenes beautifully. Her white owls always amazed me,” I replied, more to myself than to him. He smiled.

“What is bothering you tonight? Did the movie scare you?” he asked poking my side.

“No. I want to ask you some questions though, if that’s okay?” I asked, starting to feel nervous. He looked at me seriously, tilting his head to the side.

“I’ll do my best to answer them. What would you like to know?” he asked. I turned myself around so I could look at him as I asked the first question that was burning inside me. It was a difficult question to ask but I had to know. I didn’t want to hear the answer, but if I was to stay here much longer I had to know what to expect.

“Hayden, please answer me truthfully, don’t worry about hurting my feelings or my mental state, please,” I begged. He turned, curious now and nodded.

“Honesty, I can do that for you,” he replied grinning.

“You are an amazing man. You are smart, charming and sexy. You’re also older than me and I know with age come needs. I have to know if beautiful women are going to be showing up here in the middle of the day or night to be with you,” I was starting to shake nervously. Looking down I took a deep breath and waited for his reply.

“Wow, what a question,” he sighed.

“Well I don’t know if they’ll all be beautiful,” he said laughing. When he realized I was still serious, he stopped laughing and grabbed my hands, holding them he answered me honestly.

“I don’t know if you have noticed, but I’m different from most men. I am very serious, probably too much so. I have had relationships in the past, I won’t lie, but I am also a very private man. When these relationships ended I insisted on clean breaks. So no, in answer to your question there will be no ex-girlfriends showing up drunk in the middle of the night begging for me back,” he grinned.

“As for not so serious relationships, I have never brought a woman to my home for a casual affair,” he said seriously looking into my eyes for a reaction. I was amazed by his honesty. I knew he was a passionate man, it poured out of him, and he was intense too. I imagined any girl would have trouble resisting him and I think he was fully aware of this.

“I guess I’m an exception,” I said nervously.

“No my darling, you are completely different,” he replied, a little too quickly I thought. Then I realized why I was different.

“Right, I’m not your girlfriend or a casual affair,” I said, looking down again. He squeezed my hands, than tilted my chin up to look at him.

“That still remains to be seen,” he said grinning, looking so absolutely charming.

“What I meant by you being
different
is that you are my friend and I feel we have a lot to learn from each other. I don’t want to risk losing you over something as foolish as an indiscretion. Don’t get me wrong, I think you are incredibly attractive but I am serious about you Natalie. I want you to be here for as long as possible, I don’t want to scare you away. I want to help you regain your strength and confidence,” he sounded like he meant everything he was telling me. I was having trouble understanding what he could possibly want to learn from me though. Noticing how tense it seemed to be getting between us, he decided to lighten the mood.

“Would you like a baby glass of wine?” he asked. I nodded. He stood and walked over to the wine rack. He took off his sweater and then selected a glass. He poured me a small amount of red wine. As he turned to walk back to me I caught a glimpse of a tattoo on his arm. I believe it was of a woman but I couldn’t see all of it. I was about to ask to see it as he sat down, but he placed his fingers on my mouth.

“Shh, now Natalie, can we discuss going out tomorrow?” he asked seriously.

“Tomorrow,” I asked, still lost in thought.

“Yes, it is going to be a sunny and warm day. I wanted to take you out for a walk. You are so pale and I’m sure your legs are stiff,” he said stroking them softly.

“That does sound nice,” I said reaching over to touch his hand. I moved closer to him, trying not to scare him away. I wanted to feel him. My skin tingled as I touched him. I remembered how Adam used to pick me up and hold me cradled in his arms. Adam was comfortable, like I was home and safe. Here, beside Hayden my heart beat faster, my skin tingled like I was being electrically charged. I felt unsure but safe, in an exciting way. He gently wrapped his arms around me and kissed my neck. I trembled and I knew he felt it. He seemed to stiffen and carefully let go of me. I was shocked that he stood up so quickly.

“I’m sorry,” I said, feeling hurt by his rejection. I was missing Adam so much. I missed his warmth, his eagerness to keep me safe and comfortable. I missed the way he held me, the way he sang me to sleep. I held back my tears.

“No, please don’t,” he sighed, squeezed my shoulder, then walked towards his room.

“Good Night Natalie,” he said without turning back.

In my room that night, I lay on my bed, tears rolling down my cheeks. Why was I so foolish as to believe he would want me? He was genuinely just trying to help me recuperate so I could manage on my own. I’ll give him his space. I won’t touch him again. My dreams that night were torturous.

I was walking with Adam in the woods at dusk. The sunset was beautiful, sending a reddish purple glow across the big sky. I looked up to see a tree full of black birds, posing stoically in the light. The moon had risen, full and bright. The night animals were awakening and I could hear and sense them all just like Adam could. I realized in that moment that I was a spirit as well. I was dead and I was with Adam. As the sun completely set, we walked together, the moon lighting are path. I was unbelievably happy. I was nearly skipping as we walked. By instinct, I began to slow my pace. There was something ahead of us. It was coming towards us, at a run I think. No it was flying, fast. I stopped. Adam dropped my hand and stood away from me. This darkness flew at me and carried me away. I awoke screaming. When I opened my eyes Hayden was holding me, rubbing my back, kissing my forehead.

“You’re okay. You’re safe. Natalie, I’m here. Please breathe, it was only a dream,” I heard him saying. I slowed my frantic breathing. Hayden wiped my face, I had been sweating. I trembled, when I realized Hayden was too close to me. I should move away from him, as much as I didn’t want too, I had to. He was the darkness that took me away.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you,” I said apologetically.

“I told you to never say sorry for how your feeling. I wasn’t sleeping very well myself anyway,” he told me.

“I’m going to go make some tea. I’d like it if you would join me?” He pulled my hair back from my face and kissed my cheek. As he left, I wiped my eyes and tried to compose myself. He was back a few seconds later holding his robe.

“I thought this might warm you,” he said smiling as he offered it to me.

“Thank you,” I said smiling back at him.

I joined him in the kitchen. I was warm in his robe, wrapped in his strangely familiar scent. I felt light-headed, but I was teaching myself control. I could not just hold him. I couldn’t touch him. I climbed up onto one of his stools, covering my legs with his soft robe. I played with the tie in my hands, hoping it would distract me from his strong frame. He was wearing loose black cotton pants and a snug white tee shirt. I noticed the tattoo on his right arm again. It looked so familiar, I just couldn’t place it. I just wanted to be closer to him. I needed to be closer to see it. I wanted to touch it. I felt like I might lose my composure and give in. `No, remember last night, he doesn’t want you’, I reminded myself. I quickly looked away from him.

“So, did you still want to go for a walk later?” I asked casually. He sat down on the stool beside me and put my tea in front of me. I breathed in the peppermint scent.

“Thank you,” I said.

“I’m looking forward to it. Do you want to talk about your dream? Sometimes it helps,” he asked.