Indwell (Chasing Natalie's Ghosts) (3 page)

He seemed to shudder when he finished telling me the story, as though he had been there and witnessed it all. When he finished telling me what had happened it was my turn to hold him and stroke his hair as he sobbed. He held me so tightly that I would later see bruises appear on my shoulders.

“Natalie I am not crying for them anymore. I am crying for you.” I was confused by his words.

“I don’t understand.” I didn’t move, waiting for him to loosen his grip. He slowly composed himself and looked into my eyes. He grabbed my face with his warm hands and gently brought me to him. His kiss felt like a warm spring breeze, so natural, so right and so sweet. I thought I would drift away, into a whole new world. As he pulled away I was swiftly pulled back to reality. I blinked quickly, unsure what exactly happened, but wanting it to happen again. He still held me close.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“No, don’t be. I’m so happy when your with me, please don’t go and don’t stop,” I said looking into his eyes. The blue specks in his grey eyes were shining, making him look even more angelic than he already was. I could stare at him for hours, never being less amazed. The rhythm of his breath was so soothing. I couldn’t fight the calmness I was starting to feel. I could ask him another time to explain why he was crying for me. I just needed him near me now.

He eventually told me he had to go, but he promised to return. I tried to protest but he placed his fingers on my eyelids and then he was gone. I resigned myself to my homework, constantly checking the clock. He didn’t return that night. The next day he wasn’t there waiting for me. I called his name. I ran down the street, quietly calling his name. I ran to the river bank, he wasn’t there either. I went back to my room wishing he would be there but he wasn’t. I couldn’t eat dinner that evening.

“Are you feeling okay?” my mother asked.

“No, my stomach hurts a little,” I said.

“Maybe you should go lie down? You don’t look well.” My father had been away for days working apparently. We were sufficiently stocked with food, still no car though. Trapped here, just the way he liked it. I walked up to my room but fell at the top of the stairs. My mother came running when she heard the thud. She shouted for John, who helped me back down the stairs and they put me on her bed. She grabbed a cold cloth and gave me a Tylenol.

I slept off and on throughout the night. My head was spinning as a grabbed hold of my sides. I was beginning to feel a lot of pain in the right side of my stomach, so much so that I thought I would pass out. My mother gave me more Tylenol and told me to try and sleep. Through the next day and night my temperature continued to rise. By the third morning I was unable to walk, the pain was so bad. My mother didn’t know what to do. She just kept giving me Tylenol and tried to lower my temperature by putting towels wrapped in ice around me.

Again, during the night my temperature remained high. I was becoming delirious. I kept calling for Adam and at one point I think he was there in the room with my mother. I thought he was trying to tell her something but she didn’t seem to be acknowledging him. He was very upset. He had a serious look of concern on his face. I was just so happy he was here, even if I couldn’t speak to him. I dozed on and off, continually waking with searing pain in my side. I screamed out at one point.

“Please make it stop!” That’s when I remember Adam appearing again at my bedside and he put his warm hands on my side. The pain started to subside, briefly. As soon as he moved, so my mother could put more cold wet towels on me, the pain came back. I called for him to come back to me, but he seemed preoccupied with my mother. He was still trying to tell her something. ‘Why won’t she listen to him?’ I wondered, but I was too tired to ask. I eventually blacked out from the pain. The next thing I remembered was waking up in a hospital. A doctor was poking at my stomach. He told me I was going to be fine.

“You’re going to go back to sleep now and when you wake up the pain will be gone. I promise,” he said as a mask was placed over my face. Within seconds I was out again.

I dreamed I was in a field with Adam. The sun was shining and we had been running. He was in black again and I was dressed in a beautiful black gown with silky black gloves that went up to my elbows. I have never felt this pretty in all my life. He took my hand and twirled me around in the field. The harvest must have already been collected as the stalks were yellow and dry. It didn’t matter to me where we were. Words were not necessary either. I just needed to know he was there with me, as long as he was with me then I knew I was going to be okay.

When I awoke hours later, I was sore but the searing pain was gone just like the doctor said it would be. I was feeling really groggy from the anesthetic. My mother came over to my bedside.

“Hi honey, how are feeling? Are you okay? Do you want me to get you anything?” she asked, rambling, not letting me get a word in. I held up my hand, not feeling ready to talk yet.

“Okay. I’ll be right here if you need me.” The nurse came in and told her they just wanted to run a few tests and she could wait in the hall until they were done. I smiled at her to let her know it was okay. When she left the nurse looked at me seriously.

“Do you know how lucky you are little girl?” I shook my head, not really feeling very lucky at that moment.

“If they had waited any longer you would have been in some serious trouble, your appendix was bursting when you arrived,” she sighed.

“Who brought me here?” I asked.

“I think it was your uncle. You’ll have to ask your mom though. She was in hysterics when they wheeled you in and brought you straight into the OR.” I just nodded. That explained why she wanted to help me so much. I wondered if my father knew I was here. He probably wouldn’t show up. I just closed my eyes until the nurse was done fixing my I.V. When my mother returned she smiled and walked over to me, reaching for my needle free hand.

“I’m so sorry,” she said, tears in her eyes.

“Mom, relax. I’m fine now and you did great. There is no infection. The pain is gone. Please don’t beat yourself up over this. I’ll live, okay,” I said trying to get her to remain calm. She just looked at me solemnly and forced a smile.

“What is it?” I asked, feeling as though there was more to the story.

“If it wasn’t for your Uncle William, you wouldn’t be here right now. I thought the pain would pass eventually. I didn’t know how to get you to the hospital. I just thought that your dad would be back in a few days and he could bring you. I was thinking that I would call an ambulance if it did get worse. You were in and out of it so much. I wasn’t sure if the pain was getting worse or not. I’m so sorry Natalie. Your uncle said he wasn’t sure why he stopped by, he just felt like he had to. Some kind of premonition or something, he said. As soon as he walked in and saw you, he told me to get your coat and a blanket. He picked you up and put you in his car. He didn’t even hesitate. I don’t know why I didn’t think to call an ambulance sooner. I’m so sorry,” she kept saying it over and over.

“Please stop, you did your best and I’m better. Please don’t say you’re sorry again,” I told her, feeling a bit frustrated by it. I was also wondering how Uncle Willie knew to come by. I couldn’t help but think Adam had something to do with it. I knew he was trying really hard to convince my mother to do something. Maybe he went to see my uncle.

“Where’s Adam?” I asked her.

“Who is Adam?” Her brow was furrowing so I knew she was confused.

“You kept calling his name before your surgery. Who is he? Does he go to your school?” I was confused now, wondering if maybe it was the fever or the pain that made me think he was there in that room with me. I thought for sure he was talking to my mother.

“He wasn’t at the house yesterday?” I asked.

“No, no one else was there. Who is he?” she asked again.

“I’m not sure,” I whispered.

The nurse came in and told her I needed to rest, she could come back later. I smiled at her as she left. I curled into the blankets careful not to move my side, and fell asleep. He was back again, in my dreams at least, waiting for me. As we walked along the trail, hand in hand, he told me fascinating stories of angels living on earth. I couldn’t help but smile at the thought of Adam being my angel.

I awoke hours later to a scuffling sound, like someone dragging their foot down the hall. I slowly sat up in bed and looked toward the door, which was now open. The sound was getting closer. I couldn’t look away. Who or what was making that noise? As I continued to watch and wait, an old woman in a wheelchair appeared in the hall. She was looking down as she dragged her feet on the floor. She stopped abruptly outside my door. I waited for her to turn and look at me. I saw a grin creep across her face.

“You should be careful Natalie. You shouldn’t trust everyone you meet. They are not what they always appear to be.” I was shocked she knew my name. Her head turned quickly towards me and I realized this was not an old woman anymore. It was Elizabeth, looking as young and frail as she did years ago, when she hid in my closet. I whispered her name and she was gone, but I could still hear the dragging of her feet going down the hall.

I was released from the hospital a few days later and miraculously, my father was there to drive me home.

“Wow Dad, good timing. I was all prepared to hitch. I did my thumb exercises and everything,” I joked.

“You can barely walk Nat! I don’t know how you’d be able to start on down the road alone. How are you feeling kid?” he asked as he squeezed my shoulder.

“A little rough still,” I said, as I carefully eased into the front seat.

“I hear you were on death’s door. I really wish you wouldn’t do that to your mother,” he said smiling.

“Sorry dad, I didn’t mean too,” I said playing along. My father had trouble with serious discussions, especially with his kids. We rode the rest of the way home in the comfortable silence we usually shared.

Once I reached the front door and entered the house, I told my parents I just wanted to sleep for a while. My mother helped me up the stairs and into bed. When she shut the door, I couldn’t help but wish Adam would mysteriously visit me, like the way he used to. I whispered his name and waited. I felt hollow inside, I needed him. I understood now, what he meant about needing him, I needed him more than I have ever needed anyone in my life. I felt so alone, empty without him. I lied there with my eyes open, holding back tears. I remembered briefly the warning from Elizabeth, but I couldn’t believe she was talking about my Adam.

I thought back to the first time I met Elizabeth, it seemed so long ago. It was the first time I can remember my parents separating. It had been just over a year since she had told him to leave. During that time my mother had bought a house and was able to keep us warm and fed. She had been offered a job at a local factory and was making really good money. It was a small house, drafty, but it had a backyard and we could each have a bedroom. She was the happiest I had ever seen her, which is why it was so strange the day she reluctantly allowed my father to move back in with us. She thought that maybe he had realized how serious she was this time, since it had been so long since she had allowed him back into our lives. He showed up, his spirits were high, laughing and hugging each of us with tears in his eyes. Maybe this will work maybe this could be good, I remember thinking.

His first decision was to stop sending us to the daycare we were going to after school. He said there was a `nice enough’ lady near us that would watch us for half the price. This lady was not so nice. She was neglectful, angry and irritable most of the time. She would only do the bare minimum required to keep us cared for during the day. I was happy to go to school. The remainder of my time I spent with Luke or alone in my room.  I never felt alone there though. There was someone in that room, always waiting for me to come home. I had decided at that time to not acknowledge her and she respected my wishes. I assumed she would eventually leave. `Such a quiet and sad child’ I heard her whisper some nights.

The fighting between my parents started again, louder, more violent and menacing than before. One grey and rainy Saturday I can remember the most dreadful words were spoken. My mother was broken again, the black around her eyes was back and her arm hurt so much she couldn’t pick up Luke.

“We are moving,” she said meekly. The tears began again as she turned her back and walked out into the backyard and crumpled down onto her garden. I followed her out then slowly turned away. I walked as if in a trance back into the house and up to my room and shut the door.

“Can anyone in here tell me why this is happening?” I whispered.

“I wish I could tell you the answer you want to hear. I wish I could say that it is for the best, that it will get better, that your next house will be prettier with a nicer garden, but I cannot. You will have to grow stronger to get through this.” The voice in the shadows answered back. I sat on the little round, red rug in my room and stared at this girl, this vision. I was not afraid of her. I really wanted to hold her. We just spent a moment staring at each other. She reached her hand out to me, but not to actually touch me, just the gesture that she was there for me and I felt that she would find me no matter where I went. Her name was Elizabeth. She was one of three girls that would visit me here in my room. The other two never spoke, they just watched me. They were young and thin, quite pretty actually. Their skin was pale and their hair was almost white. Their blue eyes even had specks of white in them. I thought of them as my angels. I thought they were there just for me.

I rolled over to look out the window and saw Adam, so quietly lying beside me.

“How did you do that?” I whispered calmly, a smile creeping across my face.

“Very carefully, my darling,” he said, grinning, as though enjoying some inside joke. I couldn’t help but smile back. He held my hand and kissed my fingers.

“I’m so glad your home now. I am very sorry I wasn’t able to see you at the hospital. I tried. Believe me I did,” he explained.