Inky (7 page)

It didn’t matter that I was naked in front of these people. I didn’t give a shit. I’d already been exposed in the worst way and this was meant to help me, to heal me. Aimes had done this too many times before. This time, she had help. Lisa poured water over my head and began to softly rub shampoo into it. On the first rinse, I saw the blood-tinged water. I stared down and saw the marks left by Joe’s grip on my arms; they’d already started to bruise. Evan washed the more intimate parts of me, taking great care not to cause me any more pain. Joe’s words were always gentle and he may have only used his hands but one thing had not changed about Joe after all these years - he was rough.

When they were done cleaning me, Gus again lifted me from the tub and took me into my room, carefully setting me on the edge of the bed.

“Do you want another hit, Ink?” Aimes asked.

“No thanks. Thank you, everybody…just, thanks.” I was mellow physically but my mind was whirling, and watching everyone hover in my doorway wasn’t helping.

Evan had been cautiously letting Aimes take charge but he decided to step up to the task. He didn’t know everything about my past and the role Aimes played in it, but he knew enough. I was glad he read me correctly and said, “Can you give us a few minutes guys?” Our three friends closed the door behind them, leaving Evan and I on the bed.

“I have to get dressed, Evan.”

“I just want to hold you, baby.”

I turned my head toward him, seeing for the first time how worried he was, “Sorry, Evan. I want that too, but right now there’s something we have to do…Aimes and I have to do... and I’m happy for you to be a part of that, but I need to get dressed. Can you help me do that?”

“Sure, baby.” He was reluctant but he did it.

Only a few minutes later, a light knock came at my door.

“Ink?” Aimes asked.

“Come in.” I said as I slipped my feet into my green Havianas.

“Everything’s ready. We’ll leave whenever you want.” She stood in the doorway, waiting for me.

“Let’s go.”

***

The sun was just starting to come up by the time I walked with my friends to the beach. Lisa threw down some wood from the pile we kept for bonfires and Evan doused it with lighter fluid.

Aimes handed me a plastic shopping bag. “Here you go, Ink.”

I opened it and threw the clothes, including the shoes, onto the fire and watched them burn. The smell was terrible - plastic, rubber and polyester melted and burned as we all looked on. I could feel the hot sting behind my eyes and when I threw the last sock into the flames, I let out a tiny sob and whispered, “mother fucker.”

***

Evan never let me go. He held me close, lying on top of the covers until Aimes opened the door. We had probably been laying there for a few hours but I don’t think either one of us slept.

“Inky?” She asked.

“Yes?”

“He said twenty minutes.”

“Time for coffee?” I asked.

“Here ya go.” Aimes, God bless her, handed me a travel mug.

We all piled into the car. Aimes and Lisa knew where we were going. Gus and Evan didn’t ask questions.

“Hi, Nico.” Aimes shook the heavily inked man’s hand. When she turned to me and our eyes met, I could see her tears silently falling.

“Come with me, Anika.” Nico kissed me lightly on the cheek and gently wrapped me in his arms. This was his way, tender and thoughtful. After the first time, he never asked questions and he never accepted money.

“Her real name is Anika?” Gus quietly asked Aimes.

“You didn’t know that?” She returned.

“No…why do ya’ll call her ‘Inky?’”

“You’ll see in a minute, Gus.”

I sat with my chest pressed against the back of the chair and Aimes carefully lifted my shirt over my head. Nico leaned down and spoke quietly into my ear,

“I’m sorry, Anika.” He knew. He was one of the few who did. The large oak tree that covered my back had long branches that spread out over my shoulder blades. On one side a large A in beautiful script hung like a leaf. The A represented my friend, Amelia, who truly loved me. I left the other branches bare with the intention of adding an E after Evan and I were married. The ground, my lower back, was covered in leaves, all autumn colors of orange, yellow and brown.

Nico began to add a new leaf right over my spine.

“What are the leaves?” Gus quietly asked Aimes.

“The pain.” She answered.

Chapter 7

I stayed in my room over the next week, only leaving to use the bathroom and bathe. Basically, I was fucked. Each morning Evan would bring me coffee and Aimes would make sure I had lunch and dinner. She and Gus took turns to check on me throughout the day and covered my work shifts. Lisa was oddly absent. I assumed she felt guilty as well since Evan left to take her home. I insisted that neither one of them had anything to feel guilty about, especially since I was the one who asked Evan to take her home in the first place.

Aimes called Abe at the gallery. He was one of the few people who knew about my past and he said to take all the time I needed. He also said if I could manage it, to come by before the end of the next week - he had a surprise for me. I was glad I had something outside of the bar to look forward to – a place that would forever be sullied in my memory, I was happy I didn’t have to go to Rusty’s for a while.

The same female detective came by to share all her benign findings with me. The footage from the bar didn’t help to identify anyone. For me, this was all a formality, although I still wasn’t exactly sure what happened to be honest. I had a mild concussion from my blow to the head but I didn’t pass out; I went into my safe place, a place I hadn’t gone to in years but this time was different.

After I suffered that anxiety attack at Rusty’s, I decided to paint it out. I often used music to extract a particular emotion I wanted to convey through my painting. Abe observed my behavior was withdrawn one day which meant I was in my ‘creative space.’ Being an artist himself, he recognized this and insisted I go into the back studio and paint. From a couple of sentences and a simple melody, I did extract some old demons and created a piece that was far removed from my normal style. When I escaped to my safe place, pinned in Joe’s grip, there was a soundtrack and a visual provided by Cole. If I ever saw him again, I would thank him.

***

I was bored and I needed to get the hell out of my head. Evan didn’t know what to say to me or what to do for me. I was just kind of numb.

I wanted and needed to move on.

The following Monday, I decided I’d had enough solitude. After Evan hesitantly left to go up to a three day recording session in the Valley, I decided to go to the gallery. I wondered what the surprise was that Abe had for me. It was probably a fabulous new piece that he would like me to promote or at the very least hear my opinion on. I hadn’t realized how much I wanted to go there and hopefully get some studio time. I headed into the kitchen in search of coffee.

“Inky?” A giant appeared before me.

“Jesus! Gus, you scared the crap out of me!” He got up from the table where he and Aimes were having coffee and reading different parts of the paper…very domestic. He approached me slowly and without a word, wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his chest. I never noticed how big this guy was before but I remembered in that moment how he picked me up as if I weighed nothing at all and lowered me in the bath. At first I wanted to break the hold he had on me but I gave into it. I heard Aimes scoot her chair away from the table and moments later, her arms were around both of us.

“Listen Inky…we’re here, okay? Whatever you want, whatever you need, there are a lot of people worried about you…” Gus held my shoulders back and I saw Aimes was crying; she and her man in a united front. “…We’re gonna make this right for you, okay? I can promise you that. Do you understand?” His commanding features and dark brown eyes assured me he meant every word. It was also then that I realized Aimes had told him everything. Not even Evan knew the details about my childhood but Gus the Marine knew it all.

“Don’t tell Evan, Gus. Please.” I asked softly.

“He wants you to let him in. He’s been asking Aimes questions. I don’t know the guy well, but he’s worried about you.”

This was the reason relationships never lasted with me. We could be head over heels in love but they sensed I was hiding something. There was a part of me that would never completely let myself go. It was different with Evan though. I thought I’d given my heart completely. But if that was the case, why didn’t I just tell him? I wasn’t intentionally being deceptive or anything like that, but what was the point? I feared that this knowledge would seep into the more intimate moments of my life and so far, I’d been able to separate the two in my head. It was important to me that I could leave all of that in my past where it belonged.

“Aimes, I can’t believe you told him.” I said shaking my head back and forth. I wasn’t angry, I was defeated.

“Ink, I’ve known you since we were twelve years old. I’ve been down this road with you and I know how you’re gonna handle it. You’re gonna pretend like everything’s okay but it’s not.” She looked away and shook her head slowly. “I’ve watched you and you put on a good show but we’re adults now. You tell me. Talk to me and tell me what you need and how you’re feeling and I will do everything I can to help you but you need to tell Evan the truth, Ink. He’s been asking me all week and I don’t know what to say.”

“He’s never gonna look at me the same way again, don’t you understand? He’ll never kiss me too hard or make love to me too passionately, always wondering if that’s how
he
did it. It’ll change everything. I may not feel like damaged goods, but he’ll always know that I am.”

“You don’t know that, Ink.” said Gus. “He might just surprise you.” I could feel myself getting pissed. It suddenly felt like they were ganging up on me.

“Listen, you know what I need right now?” I asked bitterly.

“Anything you want, Ink. Anything.” Aimes had started to pull herself together, dabbing at her eyes with a paper towel.

“I need a ride to the gallery and if you don’t mind too much, Gus, I need some time alone with my girl here…but thank you.” I looked up at him, taking a deep breath to calm myself down. “It means a lot to me that you care.” And I meant it.

“You have a pretty big fan club. I’m just one of many members.” He said softly. “Okay then, I’ll go get us all some dinner. I’ll make a feast for you gals. You said Evan’s gone and Lisa went to see her folks? Right, cutie?” Aimes blushed deeply, something I’d never seen on her before and nodded.

“Thank you, hon. We won’t be gone too long.” They kissed sweetly and he cupped the back of her head with one hand and brought her in for a final hard kiss.

“See you soon.” He said.

All I could do was smile.

***

In the car, I knew Aimes was dying to talk. I was making her sweat a little bit for sharing my darkest secrets with Gus but I wasn’t surprised. I’d asked her to carry around that information for years and I knew it was always a heavy burden for her to bear.

She kept silently looking at me every other minute. “Aimes, go, talk, ask me whatever you want.”

She didn’t hesitate. “Are you okay? Tell me the truth. Not what you think I want to hear, the truth.”

“Actually, I am. I know you don’t believe me but I really am okay. I’ve been thinking about it, the whole thing. He didn’t rape me, Aimes. It was, well, it could’ve been much worse.” She started to cry again, “What? What is it?” I was starting to lose my patience.

“You’re just, you’re just so, matter of fact about it. It’s like you’re talking about something that happened to someone else.”

“Pull the car over.” I requested quietly. She ignored me and continued to drive. “Pull the mother fucking car over!” I screamed. She quickly veered to the side of the road and put her hazards on. When the car was in park, I turned to her and calmly spoke, “I am not going to be one of those fucking victims going to support groups and all that shit. I am not going to have some pity party and let everyone look at me with the same sad eyes you’re giving me now – you - of all people, you.” I seethed. “I want this to go away and be in my past and move on. I had my week of wallowing and I’m done.” I composed myself more before I continued, this time speaking more calmly. “I’m okay, Aimes. I’m gonna be okay.” I tried to catch my breath.

“Fine.” She said abruptly.

“Fine?” I bit out. I watched her as her shoulders slumped and her hands hung from the steering wheel.

“Yes.” Her sad tone brought me down from my anger.

“How come I don’t believe you?”

“I asked you what you needed, Ink. If this is what you need, okay. But I have to say something to you without you screaming at me, okay?”

“Okay. I won’t scream at you.”

“Promise?”

I rolled my eyes, “You’ve got to be kidding me?”

“Okay, okay…you need to talk to Evan. Really, Ink.”

I let out a deep sigh. “Okay. I will. I promise I will talk to him. I’ll talk to him in person when he gets back, okay?”

“Okay.” She put the car back in drive, turned off the hazards and moved into the traffic.

“Aimes?” I wasn’t sure what to say about Cole but I didn’t want to keep it from my best friend.

“Yeah?”

“I kind of want to tell you something else but I’m not sure how I feel about it yet but I thought you should be prepared that I might.”

“Inky, that was totally and completely random.”

“I know and I’m sorry, but it’s the best I can do right now, Aimes. I’m just processing about a million different things in my brain.”

“Gotcha.” She pulled into a spot right in front of the gallery.

Coming to this job was like entering my own little sanctuary. I loved the white walls and down lights. The wood floors and the soft jazz playing in the back ground. When the wooden door closed behind me and the little bell dinged, Abe appeared at the backroom doorway.

“Are there any other customers in here?” He asked, his manicured hands appearing casually placed on his hips.