Inside of You (Jessa & Paxton #2) (17 page)

Jesus.
This is not where I saw this conversation going. I sit back in my chair and wait. I’m not leaving her. I’m gonna be up her ass for the rest of her life.

I can hear Jessa’s voice coming from wherever they
disappeared to. I can’t hear anything out of Lydia and eventually Jessa is silent too. But then Lydia starts screaming and possibly crying. “Shit,” I mutter to myself, standing and going to wait in the doorway. The women go on like this for a few minutes, Lydia’s getting louder and Jessa’s getting lower each time they speak. There is another long silence and then Jessa appears in the hallway, looking pissed off. She walks right past me, heading through the kitchen. I follow her into the mudroom where she throws on her shoes and grabs some keys off a hook. I step into my boots and follow her and when she gets behind the wheel of her mom’s minivan, I get in the passenger seat.

“Please, Paxton. I want to be alone right now,” she tells me, hitting the garage door opener and shifting the van into reverse.

“I’m coming with you,” I tell her.

“Pax, I’m serious. I need a minute. Please get out of the car.”

“Just ignore me, okay. I’m not getting out.”

The door to the house opens then and Lydia appears.

“Damn it, Pax,” Jessa mutters, but she backs out of the garage and down the drive way. I watch as Lydia walks out of the garage looking wrecked.

Jessa d
rives out of the neighborhood in silence. I reach over and touch her leg, expecting her to tell me to remove it, but she doesn’t even seem to notice. I sit back in my seat and watch her out of the corner of my eyes. Her face is blank but then I see a tear roll down her cheek and my chest tightens. I reach over and run my thumb across her skin, clearing it away. She flinches away from my touch. “What’s going on?” I ask her.

Jessa just shakes her head.

“Tell me what happened.”

Her eyes flash to mine for a
millisecond. They are filled with rage. “You shouldn’t be here,” she tells me. “Why couldn’t you have just stayed away, huh? I mean, do you see her? Do you see what she has turned into? How pathetic she is? She’s been like that for seven years. She’s lost seven years of her fucking life. And she’s right – I’m her. The life I despise, the life that I have tried to make damn sure never becomes mine… she’s right. I’m here. That is my life. Five months, I’ve been with you for five months. And look at me, I’m already heartbroken and have lost all of myself to you. I’m ready to quit living and move back to this fucking town. Get a job as a damn waitress. Why couldn’t you have just stayed away? Why did you have to come back to Chicago?”

“J
ess, what are you talking about? Why are you heartbroken? I’m here. I’m not leaving. I’m in love with you, I’m never going to stop being in love with you. You are never going to be her.”

Jessa pulls over on the dirt road that
Emily and Jason live on. She puts the car in park before ducking into her arms and covering her face. I reach over the council and pull her out of her seat. “Don’t, Pax,” she tells me, her hands clinging to the steering wheel. I reach over and unlatch her fingers before pulling her into my lap and cradling her in my arms. Her head is still ducked but it’s resting on my chest now. “Why are you always trying to convince yourself I’m gonna stop loving you? Why are you always trying to make this so hard?”

“I love you, Pax, but I can’t do this. I’m not doing this with you.”

“Tell me what you need from me, beso. I will do anything for you. What do you need?”

“I just n
eed you to go, Pax. I need you to stay out of my life so that I can forget.”

“What
are you talking about? That’s never gonna happen. I’m never leaving you. You’re not making any sense, kid, and I swear to God if you don’t start telling me exactly why you think you are leaving me, I’m gonna lose it. You’re making me feel like I’m crazy.”

The
re is a knock on the window. I ignore it, but Jessa raises her head and looks. “Oh shit, what are they doing here?”

I look over and see Emily’s face peering
into the window. Danny is standing behind her holding onto their dog’s leash. “You’re on their road, kid.”

Jessa
turns and looks out the front window like she has no idea where the hell she is. Maybe the girl really has lost her mind. She opens the door and climbs off of my lap. I throw my hands on top of my head and shut my eyes. “Paxton, thank God you’re here,” I hear Emily mutter.

I open my eyes and get a good look at
Em. I can’t help but smile at her. She’s my girl. She and Jessa were a package deal when I first rolled into this town. I loved them both. I step out of the van and wrap Emily up in my arms, bending down to kiss her blonde hair. She holds tight to me and then I release her. “How’s it going, Em?” I ask her.

She gives me a tight smile, “G
reat,” she tells me, pivoting her body to block Jessa and Danny. She makes her eyes all big at me like she’s trying to ask me a question. I would like to ask her a few questions myself. Emily’s penchant for bullshit is slim to none. She’ll tell be what is going on. She knows whatever is running through Jessa’s head is bullshit.

I give her a slight nod, then
turn to Danny, extending my hand. “Hey, Paxton,” he tells me, his eyes looking at me with suspicion. Danny’s a cool guy, but completely unreadable and too fucking responsible and mature for a guy our age. But he makes Emily happy and he held his family, which includes my friend Jason, together so I don’t have anything against him.

“It’s good to see you
, man. How’s your little brother doing?” I ask about Jason. Things were pretty icy between me and the Donovans the last time I was here because of that shit Jason pulled, but I can’t not ask about the kid.

“Jason’s doing great. A totally different kid,” he tells me.

“Yeah? That’s good.”

“You gonna be in town for a while?” he asks me.

“That depends on Jessa,” I tell him, turning my eyes to where she is standing with Emily who is angry whispering at her. I gotta get Emily alone. “I’m going when she’s going, so who fucking knows.”

“Stop in and see him if you have a chance. He and Emily are obsessed with your band. He’d love to hear about it.”

“No shit, huh?”

“Yea
h. I’ve had to sit through a couple of YouTube videos myself.”

“
YouTube videos?”

Danny
narrows his eyes and gives me a lopsided grin like I’m an idiot. “Anyway… if you have a chance.”

“Definitely. I’ll stop by after I figure out what the hell is going on with my girl,” I tell him with a
poignant stare.

“Don’t look at me, man. I stay far away from all of that shit. I do know that I’m being kicked out of my own home
at least once a day and that I had to sleep away from Emily last night so that those two could have their ‘girl time’. So yeah, figure it out. I’m not spending a night away from her again,” he says like it’s my fault.

“I need to talk to Emily. Alone.”

He chews on the inside of his cheek like he’s trying to find a way to make that happen. “Why don’t you guys just come hang out for a while? I’m sure I can drag Jessa away at some point.”

I nod at him. “
Let’s go, beso,” I tell Jess.

“Go where?” she says defensively, like I no longer have the
right to ask her to go with me.

“We’re
hanging out with your friends before we get outta here tomorrow. Let them walk their dog home and we’ll meet them there.”

“I’ll walk. T
he keys are in the ignition.”

I head around the van, stopping when I’m by the girls. “You want to take a ride,
Em?”

“Sure,” she says
eagerly, heading to the passenger side. Jessa protests, but as soon as Emily is in the car and has the door shut, I pull away.

“She won’t tell me what the hell is going on,” I say, knowing that Emily and I are both trying to get to the same point as soon as possible.

“She’s being ridiculous. I love her, but she’s being stupid. It’s your ex-girlfriend, Pax… Stella.”

“What?” I ask,
turning my pissed off expression toward her. I’m already at the Donovan’s driveway and I can see in the rear view that Jess and Danny aren’t far behind.

“She knows that you’ve been hanging out with her. That you were at that bar with her and that she was at your show.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? Why don’t she just tell me that? Why can’t she just ask me what is going on so I can fucking explain. Since when is she someone that’s gonna hold shit back?” I ask her, slamming the van into park- watching Jessa approach from behind.

“She won’t forgive me if she knows I’m talking to you about this. You can’t bring it up, but you have to fix it, Pax,” she tells me before opening the door and stepping outside. “You don’t still love that girl, do you?” she asks under her breath, outside the door now.

“Jesus. No,” I practically yell.

Emily inhales a deep breath
and tells me, “I didn’t think so,” before slamming the door shut and turning to face Jessa. The two girls head past the main house and to the little cabin in back where Danny and Emily live.  I step out too, meeting Danny on the drive. “Fucking women,” I mutter to myself.

Danny lau
ghs. “You definitely got your hands full with that one,” he says shaking his head.

“Why couldn’t I have fallen for a rational, level-headed, sweet girl like
Emily?”

“There’s only one girl like
Emily and she’s mine,” Danny says, getting all fucking serious.

“
Relax, man. I was just trying to comment on how crazy Jessa is without a direct hit. Trust me, she’s the only one I want.”

“Even girls like
Em have a way of making all kinds of crazy bullshit up in their heads – creating problems where there isn’t one. I mean, hell, I’ve done it myself. It’s just human nature, Paxton. We all do it.”

I know Danny’s right about Emily. I know what they went through. “How did you get her to come around and see the truth?” I ask him.

“They don’t want to hear it. They need to see it. You just can’t give up. You gotta show her that whatever is messing with her head isn’t the truth. Patience, brother, you need a lot of patience.”

I can’t help but laugh at that. Jessa
’s taught me more than I ever wanted to know about patience.

We get to the small cabin and Danny unleashes his dog. She immediately comes running over to me, jumping up on my legs as I lean against the porch railing.

“I’ll go get us some beers. I’m guessing they’re having ‘girl time’.”

“Sounds good,” I tell him, reaching down to scratch the
dog’s head before taking a seat in one of Adirondacks on the porch. The giant dog jumps up on me like she’s a lap dog. “God damn it, dog,” I mutter, picking her up and putting her back on the ground. She stares up at me with her big black eyes, her body is twitching like she’s gonna make another attempt. I smile at her. She’s a cute fucker.

Danny comes back out then with two beers and takes a seat next to me. The dog immediately goes after him and when she tries to jump on his lap, he tells her, “No, Daisy. Sit.” She does, before laying down by his chair.

“Must be nice having a girl around who listens to you,” I mutter, taking a swallow of my beer.

Danny laughs. “Are you trying to tell Jessa wha
t to do, ‘cause that’s your first problem. Don’t you know Jessa doesn’t like being told what to do?”

That’s not necessarily true. Under the right circumstances she loves being told what to do, but obviously this ain’t the time or place to talk about that. “What’s going on inside?”
I ask. All I want to do is drag Jessa away from Em and ask her how she knows I’ve been within ten feet of Stella and explain to her why that was. But I’m not gonna throw Em under the bus. Danny’s right. I just have to be patient. Which is fine. I will follow that girl around until she realizes I ain’t leaving.

“Who knows? All conversation stops as soon as I walk through that door. Which, I guess means, they are talking about shit I
’m not supposed to know about. We might be out here for a while,” Danny mutters.

I swallow my beer and prepare to wait it out, getting comfortable with Danny and his dog.

Em and I, or… if I’m being honest, I… have drained a bottle of wine while the guys have stayed away – out on the porch. She keeps telling me I have to talk to him about Stella, that she thinks I’m misunderstanding. I keep telling her to fuck off. Which is wrong, but shit, that’s the kind of mood I’m in.
Fuck off
. Everyone, especially Paxton, can fuck off. I don’t need anyone. I don’t want anyone. I don’t even want to go near him.

Shit
, I am such a weak pathetic whore. Within the first few minutes of him being back in my life I was already mentally preparing to forgive him and head back to Chicago with him. Within four hours of his arrival back in my life – three and a half of them spent sleeping – I let him get me off… twice. And like a direct message from God, before my panties even had a chance to dry, my mom, who never talks about the past, who never shows any kind of emotion, lost her shit and had a breakdown about the fact that she knows I’m going to end up just like her – lifeless and miserable because she knows I’m stupid enough to depend on a man for my happiness.

I see the way you look at him.
I can tell what kind of boy he is. You are in love with him and he is going to leave you. He is not the kind of boy you fall in love with. Don’t settle for him. Don’t give up your future for him. I know how you feel about me. I see the disgust on your face. And you’re right – what I’ve turned into is disgusting, but if you give everything up for him I can guarantee you will end up just like me.

Danny comes in
after, I don’t know how long, and pulls Emily away from me, dragging her into their bedroom. Knowing them, he’s not bringing her there to talk and I don’t want to hear two people, in love, making love, so I reluctantly head outside where I assume Paxton is.

I look at him kicked back in his chair, one hand resting lazily on Daisy’s head who is sided up against his chair, the other hand grasping onto his bottle of beer.

“Did you get your head correct, or did Danny just kick you out of there?” Pax asks, his eyes trained on nothing,

“My head is always correct, but yea
h, I’m not really in the mood to listen to the happy couple going at it,” I tell him, taking a seat next to him.

We sit in silence for a while before he speaks.
“That night, when Vi finally brought me home, did she tell you I was in the back room at The Bottle with Stella?” he asks with no emotion in his voice.

“Yea
h. She said you two were alone. On a couch. Her hands on you. The phone that you weren’t picking up on a table in front of you.”

“Why didn’t you
ask me about that?”

“Why would I do that? So you could lie to me and tell me that it
wasn’t what it looked like? I was on the phone with Vi when she stepped into that room. I know exactly what it looked like.”

“Billy called her there. I called you before I walked into that room so that I could tell you. So that you could be with me while I was in the back room with her and
the rest of the crew.”

“I know you did, and I called you back five minutes later.
In fact, I called you at least ten times that night. You never picked up.”

“I was
hallucinating,” he tells me, skimming over the fact that he didn’t pick up my calls. He had tried. He had done his duty and tried to get a hold of me. And then he turned his fucking phone off and chucked it on the coffee table in front of him and Stella; effectively forgetting about me. “I didn’t even know it when everyone bailed on me. I tried to get up and walk out of that room but I couldn’t even open my fucking eyes.” I immediately see Stella’s picture from that night. Paxton’s eyes are wide open.

“I don’t care
, Paxton. You don’t have to justify whatever the two of you are doing to me. But please, stop lying to me.”

“She was at our last show. She was working for the station as their
photographer. I couldn’t do anything about it.”

“That’s awe
some. Good for her,” I tell him, realizing that he is finally putting two and two together and figuring out that he is busted.

“Those were the only times I saw her. I know I told you I would stay away from her. I should have never walked into that room but I was desperate and she had the drugs. And the show…
fucking sketchy. I had no idea until I got there. And, shit, I had too much on my mind to be worrying about her.”

I shake my head. He’s lying again. Stella had plenty of pictures of them from the
rehearsal they had the same day they were at the bar together. “You know what, Pax, I just don’t give a shit anymore. I’m tired of talking about her and your drug addiction. None of it matters anymore.”

“It doesn’t
, huh?”

“No,” I mutter, staring out into the trees.

“What the fuck does that mean?” he snarls. “If you mean that, then you are nothing but the cold-hearted, selfish girl that you were when I met you.”

My head snaps towards hi
m. I reach down and pick up an empty beer bottle from the ground and chuck it at his head. He ducks and it hits the railing and falls to the ground, doesn’t even break. Paxton flies out of his chair. He pulls me up and turns me around, pinning me to the post behind me. He gets in my face, I can feel his anger and it lights up my body.

The cabin door flies open then and Danny comes over to us. He tries to pull Paxton off me, but Paxton shoves him off. “Stay out of this, man,” he snarls.

“You put one hand on her and I will kick your ass,” Danny threatens.

Paxton just smiles and shakes his head. I almost want to smile too. Danny came out here to save me, like Paxton was going to hit me. Meanwhile, Paxton’s short temper and impassioned anger has me wanting to rip his clothes off. “Shut up, man. I would never fucking hurt her. She knows that,” he tells Danny, his intense eyes never leaving mine.

“Oh my god, what the hell is going on?” I hear Nat shriek.

“Fucking perfect,” Paxton mutters, pushing himself off of me and running his hand through his hair. He turns and my heart is beating and my breaths are to
o fast and loud.

Paxton backs away and Emily is by my side. “Are you okay?” she whispers.

“Fine,” I mutter.

“I told Danny you weren’t in the right frame of mind to work things out with him.”

“There’s nothing to work out.” I push myself away from the post as Nat and Luke make their way up the steps.

“I thought we were supposed to be partying… you know, having fun before you have to leave,” Nat says, her hands on her hips, disappoint
ed because my hell is interfering with her fun.

I don’t respond. I just watch Paxton as he makes his way down the steps, Daisy following. Danny and Luke eventually go to
o.

“Seriously, what the hell is going on? Are you still
fighting with him?” Nat prods.

“I don’t want to talk about him anymore,” I tell her.

“Come on then,” Emily says, grabbing a hold of my hand. “Let’s go hang out and have some fun before you head back with him tomorrow.”

Em
knows I’m not going back with him but I really am tired of talking about this bullshit. Emily leads me to the fire that Danny is getting started and I stand in the uncomfortable circle. Everyone is tense, or maybe it’s just me and Pax, but we are effecting everyone. I try not to stare across the fire at him, but I can feel his eyes on me and I can’t help but look. He looks sad. He looks thoughtful. I know I’m confusing him. That I’m not making sense. But he should know that even if nothing happened between him and Stella that I’m fucked up when it comes to trusting the intentions of any man. To making myself vulnerable to him.  He should have taken better care of us. He should have ran from her. He should have told me the truth about their past. He should have called me before he went to bed. He should have needed me more. He should love me better.

He cocks hi
s head at me before shaking it, like he can hear my thoughts. I raise my eyebrows at him because he knows. He knows better than this.

“Hey, Jason,” I hear Emily call out cheerily but I don’t turn to look at him. I stare at Paxton. He closes his eyes tight before opening them back up and turning to where Jason is probably walking towards us.

“Hey, Paxton. What are you doing here?” Jason asks happily. I look at him now, at the excited expression on his face. When Paxton was here before he took Jason under his wing. He tried to help him through a hard time and expose him to the things that I now know helped Paxton through his own shit – music and writing. Paxton was good to him. That Paxton was selfless and caring and able to see right from wrong. I wonder how he feels now, looking at this kid who looks up to him, knowing that he spent the last week living like a junkie.

“
I was gonna come track you down as soon as I had a chance. It’s good to see you,” he shakes Jason’s hand and pulls him into a one armed hug. “How’s it going?” he asks quieter.

“Great… I mean
, really great. Better than ever.”

“Yea
h? That’s good,” Paxton says with a genuine smile. I don’t really love seeing him like this because I have to admit that Paxton is not a total asshole. He cares about Jason. It’s obvious.

“
I finally got a guitar, I’m trying to learn it but I don’t know… I think I’m probably going to need some lessons.”

“You trying to teach yourself? That’s difficult, man. It’s so much easier when you have someone there who knows what the hell they’re doin
g and can show you. I wish I could help you out.”

“That would be a trip… the lead singer from Polly teaching me guitar,” Jason laughs. Paxton puts his hands in his pockets and looks at the ground like he’s embarrassed. Because here in Ri
ver Bluff, he’s not a rock star drug addict – he’s just Paxton. “It’s so cool to watch you play. I mean, obviously I knew you had skills, but man, you guys are really good. I think I’ve watched every YouTube video out there of your band. But the ones from your show last night… I can’t stop watching them. That show was epic. Those new songs you were playing… so good. I don’t know how you come up with that stuff, I mean not just the lyrics, but the entire structure. I’ve never heard anything like it. I told my friends they were probably about Jessa and they didn’t believe me. They are though, aren’t they?” Jason asks, looking over at me like he just got caught doing something wrong. I can’t even smile for him. Paxton played his new songs. Songs about me. And I wasn’t there.

“Yea
h, they’re all about Jessa. Except for… wait, so you watch these videos on YouTube?”

“
Yeah.”

“So I guess you w
ouldn’t know the names. Like the sixth song we played… the one about the do over and seeing myself as a kid…?”

“Yeah, I love that one. It’s probably my favorite.”

“Good, cause that one’s about you. Well… me and you.”

Jason just stares at him with confusion on his face.

“The lyrics probably don’t make any sense. Maybe it doesn’t come off like it’s supposed to.”

“No
, I get it. I mean, I completely related to it. It’s just weird. You wrote that song about me?”

“
Yeah. Is that cool? ‘Cause there’s another one I haven’t quite gotten worked out that’s about you too.”

“Holy crap
,” Jason says, shaking his head. “No, I don’t mind. In fact, if you could, name that one ‘Jason Donovan’ ‘cause no one’s gonna believe me.”

“If I ever get it worked out right that will be the title. In fact, depending on
whether Jessa can get herself on some medication or not, I might be staying here so Polly will be no more. I should probably just rename the other song ‘Jason Donovan’.”

I roll my eyes, but Jason looks at me w
ith anger in his. “What? You gotta let him go back to his band. He’s gotta keep playing.”

I look at Paxton who is just smirking at me. “He’s going back tomorrow,
Jason. Don’t worry.”

Jason looks back at Paxton expectantly. “If she comes with me I am. Otherwise, you
got yourself a guitar teacher. Actually, that don’t sound so bad,” he says, turning his damn eyes on me. “You and I can settle down. Maybe buy some land and a trailer. You can waitress and I’ll teach guitar.” My stomach roils at that idea. He sees the discomfort on my face and just smirks before turning back to Jason. “You got a lot of friends who would pay me to learn guitar?”

“Holy crap, yeah. For sure,” he says
excitedly before his face drops. “But… no, you can’t leave your band.”

“Maybe the band will have to come here. You think the guys and
Vi would like River Bluff?” Pax asks me.

“Y
ou and the guys would have a hard time keeping up your habits in a place like this. Everything that belongs to you is in Chicago.”

Paxton shakes his head at me before turning back to Jason. “Girls… stay away from them for as long as possible. And if you find a girl that you really like, that you might want to fall in love with… turn and run
‘cause she’s just gonna break your heart. And the amount of work you’re gonna have to put in just to convince her that she’s crazy is going to break you down completely.”