Insight (20 page)

I open my mouth to scream again, but still can’t make a noise. Suddenly I know I can’t let us get to the far side. I’m not sure what he plans on doing, but I spin around barely pulling myself from his grasp, and almost fall into the water as I scramble away.

“Wait,” he growls. He reaches out, but his movements are still too sloppy, and he misses.

Cameron stumbles behind me, but I run, heart banging hard against my ribs, and crash into Landon.

My picture of us in my room is back.

“Look who it is.” Landon smiles and puts his arms around me. “You didn’t need to run back. I told you I’d hurry.”

Right. I’m shaking again.

I glance back at Cameron whose eyes are directed on me. I can read that one from here. Frustration. Anger.

My forearms hurt, but I’m okay. And no one seems to have seen. Maybe my scream was what triggered everyone in my vision and that didn’t happen this time. I never got it out.

Am I crazy for running?

No. He would have done
something
. I’m sure of it.
Or, almost sure.

“You’re all wet.” Landon glances down. “What happened?”

Do I say something about Cameron? What would I even say? I think Cameron may have hurt me in some way only he didn’t?

“Just didn’t see the edge of the creek.” My voice sounds almost detached.

Landon rubs my arm a few times, maybe sensing my fear. All I see is our night together on my bed, and instead of winding me up, it relaxes me.

But wait. Did I just
change
something? That easy? Just by knowing when to run away? Did I see this coming, and make it all different?

Lacey. My stomach tightens. I can make things different. Maybe.

Landon
slides
his arm
around my waist, and my picture is
still
our night together. Okay. I allow myself to feel some relief, but I’m still wary. It was too easy.

Josh gives us a wave as he heads toward where Cameron is slowly making his way to the fire.

“You need me to take him home?” Josh asks as he looks between us and wags his brows. “So you two can be alone?”

Landon scowls. “You brought him here. You’re already the one taking him home.”

Josh scoffs and jogs a few steps, I look away to make sure that I don’t see any more of Cameron tonight.

“You’re shaking, Micah. Did he scare you? Are you okay?” Landon’s squeezing me close, and all I can do is lean into him.

“Just cold.”

Steven sits near the fire next to Jessica and without a word I step from
the warmth of
Landon, and walk over to kneel nex
t to him. “How’s things?” I ask trying to play cool when really I just need to touch someone that’s not Landon to see if I actually did change my night.

“Uh...” His eyes go between me, Jessica and then Landon, almost wary. “Good.”

“Well, good
. Gotta run.” I use his shoulder to push myself to sitting.

It’s dark, and he’s kissing Jessica. Passion.

Well.
At least it wasn’t him chasing me.

“What was
that
?” Jessica whispers as I walk away.

“No idea,” he answers.

I’m all clear. I may have
changed
my night. So simple.

Landon leans toward me as soon as I get close. “You touched Steven. What’s up?”

“Nothing.” I shake my head. Because what I saw, I don’t think happens anymore. And I really don’t want to think about me possibly having the ability to make my visions different when we’re at what basically amounts to a remembering party for a girl whose fate I didn’t even try to change.

Landon opens his mouth to ask again, but he’s interrupted.

“Come on everybody!” Jessica yells from the fire. She’s waving her arms. The cheerleaders are sporting their uniforms tonight as a tribute.

My stomach flips over this time.
They lost their friend. I did nothing.
I might be able to change things, and I did nothing.

“Come on.” Landon interrupts my thoughts, and pulls me with him. I want to cling to the feeling of how he feels for me in the vision I get, but it doesn’t stay for long enough.

The group of us gather around the fire. I’m hit again with how many of us are here.

Jessica’s voice is loud. I know she hasn’t been drinking, but it has that edge of recklessness to it. “We’ll miss you Lacey! You were one crazy girl!” She hollers and everyone laughs and shouts for a few moments.

Tears of guilt fall.
I shiver in my wet pants,
and I hold on to Landon who gives a shout with the rest of them.

I shouldn’t be here.

***

We’re on my porch. I survived the Lacey party. Mom’s car is gone. Landon’s warm. My breathing is suddenly shallow. I flatten my hands and slide them around his firm sides to his back. My heart feels less broken when we’re close. I pull us together and tilt my face up to kiss him.

His mouth meets mine and it’s all electricity. His arms wrap around my back, holding me tightly. His lips feel desperate, hungry.

“Come inside.” I breathe out when I can pull away enough to talk.

I fumble with my key. Landon’s careful not to break contact with me.  I’m grateful. I’m completely distracted by him standing so close, his hands on my waist, his lips on my neck.

“Can I get you anything?” I ask as I step inside. Only, what a stupid thing to say. All I want is to feel him close to me again.

“No.” His voice is soft. He shakes his head as he steps toward me.

Our fingers tighten, and I lead him into the living room. The knot in my stomach is a good one this time. I can’t believe how brave I feel.

“Come here.” I pull on him.

Before I understand how we get here, we’re on the couch together. The weight and closeness of him just makes me want more. I wrap my legs around him, and kick off the shoes I forgot to take off at the door. Why isn’t it freaking me out more? To have him this close to me?

“You’re amazing.” He uses his lips to softly caress my cheek until I need more of him than that.

My mouth opens. He takes it softly in his, the way I knew he would. I think about our nig
ht together, the one that I see. I
s it
now
? Are we just working up to
that
? My body tenses up and my lungs can’t get as much air as they need. I suddenly don’t feel ready. A half-second ago I was readjusting to get him closer. Now I don’t know what to do.

Landon pulls away far enough that our eyes meet. I don’t know what to say.

I’m relieved, but saddened for the loss of his warmth and our lips moving together. “What’s the matter?” I ask. I’m worried I’ve done something wrong.

“Come here.” He sits back against the corner of the couch and pats his chest, inviting me to lie on him.

I crawl over the cushion between us and put my head on his chest. His hands carefully slide around me, holding me close, keeping me warm. I want to melt into him and not know where he stops and I begin. My eyes close as I will it to happen.

His fingers touch the hair around my face. “Are we okay?” His voice is softer than a whisper.

“Of course we’re okay.” I rub my fingers over the thin fabric of his t-shirt, across his chest and down his abs. My stomach tightens again into something I’ve only felt with him.

“Thanks for coming with me tonight. I know you weren’t sure about going.”

“It was fine.” I don’t want to talk about the night. About Lacey.

“I think we all needed something fun to go with her, you know?”

That delightful knot in my stomach that made me want Landon closer is now a lead ball in my gut. It’s growing. The words are going to come out, and I know I’ll never be able to take them back. “I saw her.”

I feel his head pull back and his body tense underneath me. “What do you mean, you saw her?” I can tell by the way he’s moving he wants me to look at him.

I’m not sure I can.

“Micah? What do you mean you saw her?” There’s a desperate edge to his voice. The one I was sure was going to be there.

I open my mouth, but now the words won’t come.

He scoots out from underneath me and scoots away until we’re no longer touching.

I sit up and stare at my lap.

“Micah!”

My body jumps and tears start streaming down my face. I’ve held on to it for too long. It’s too late, again. I’ve put something else off until it’s too late. “I just…” I’m holding in sobs, because he’s going to react just like he should. The mood is all over the room. Anger. Hurt. “I just brushed against her. I didn’t know. I didn’t know when or how or what or...” I choke on the last words.

He stands up. “What? What did you see?”

I know my words are going to come out funny because he looks so panicked, and angry. “The party. I saw the party. And everything went black. I saw it.”

Anguish fills his features—it’s in his eyes, and the way his body’s gone slack. “
Why
.” And now he’s fighting for words. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

I know it’s going to kill me, but I let my eyes find his anyway. “I wanted to, but the timing, and—”

“Timing?” His jaw is clenched. His hands in fists. “How about when I asked you if you ever saw something bad? How’s that for timing? No WAY you didn’t think of her then! Or how about when I spilled my guts to you on my boat, huh? How about then?”

“And what? What would that have changed?” I have no idea why I’m even trying to defend myself. I know I should have done something—especially after tonight.

“Like seeing someone die is maybe the mark of a good time to tell your mother!” His hand rubs over his head. And it’s like he doesn’t know where to be. How to stand. What to look at.

“But I...” I’m shaking apart, breaking. He’s mad. At me. He should be. It feels like I caused both her death
and
his suffering. “I, I didn’t know. I didn’t know. Landon, I thought it could have already happened. I didn’t know she...”
died
.

He backs away from me. His voice is now barely above a whisper. “I can’t believe what I shared with you, and you didn’t
say
anything.”

I feel each step. Each movement away from me. “I’m sorry, I know I should have told you sooner.”

“Yeah.” He’s nodding and staring at me with something that looks like disbelief.

I can’t take it. My eyes stare into the floor.

“You should have. You should have told me sooner.” His voice is filled with grief.

“But, don’t you get it? I understand your guilt, Landon. We
share
the guilt. I get it.” If he could understand that, maybe this wouldn’t be so bad.

His mouth drops. “No. No. We don’t share anything! You didn’t hold a dead girl in your arms!” He turns to the door.

“Please Landon.“ My sobs are splitting my body, my insides. Tears have soaked my face, my shirt.

“No. Micah. I need space.” His voice is exhausted, low, and filled with something I’m not sure I understand from him, but it scares me. Makes me wonder what he means by
space
. Actually, he’s probably letting me down easy—though I wonder why he’d try after this.

“I knew you’d leave.” Of course he would. Why did I try? I knew it wasn’t worth the risk. I
knew
it.

He stares at me with this expression I can’t read. His face is flat, full of grief, and his eyes are slightly wider than normal. Like he’s here but not here.

His hands go over his head again, wipe at the edges of his eyes. “Just space,” he whispers. “To get my head on straight.”

“You won’t be back.” I’m choking on the words. But I knew it before we even got started. I didn’t need visions to see this one coming.

He steps forward and reaches his hand out. No words. Just the same haunted expression.

His face is defeated. I can’t keep looking, but I also can’t resist the temptation to touch his hand again. I let my fingers brush against his.

Total sorrow. Loss. Pain. Despair. He’s drunk. S
itting on the edge of the dock.
He’s practically wallowing in self-pity.

“Figures.” I jerk away. He didn’t learn a damn thing, and now he’s mad at
me
. Fine.

“What?”

“You’re the one who suddenly hates what I can do! If you need space then just go! Get it over with.” Tears run down my face.
             

His slow movements are scarier than yelling would be. He half stumbles toward the door, and walks out.

Everything swims. My body. My tears. The pain is like nothing I’ve ever felt. It wraps its barbed claws around me until I’m sobbing on the floor.

NINETEEN