Interior Motives (12 page)

Chris had asked me to trust him. I didn’t think he had it in him to hurt anyone, but I had no way to know for sure. Only God knows the heart of any of his children. So this wasn’t really about trusting Chris.

This moment, this possible date, was all about my love of God, my trust in him. I thought back to what I’d told Cissy. And that’s when I knew. I knew I had to put my money where my mouth was. Was I really ready to trust him, even in this?

Had I really come home to my heavenly Father? Dare I try and minister to Cissy, to help her face her fears, if I wasn’t ready to take that step myself?

Oh, Father, help me. Give me strength, courage, faith. Hold
me; keep me in your hand.

“Sure, Chris. Let’s give it a try.”

8

“How could I have done that?” I wailed later that night.

“What, Haley?” Tedd asked. “How could you have done what? Agree to go to dinner with an old friend from school? That doesn’t sound all that strange or difficult to me.”

Although her voice sounded scratchy over her cell phone, Tedd’s point came across loud and clear.

“It would be normal if
I
were normal. But I’m not.”

“Are you going to stay ‘not normal’ for the rest of your life?”

“I don’t know.”

“Are you saying you can’t trust God to heal you? To maybe even restore some of what was stolen from you?”

I took a sharp breath. “But how can I know? How do
you
know a date with Chris is what God wants me to do?”

“That’s faith, Haley. You take God on faith. You trust him to see you through even this.”

Her words brought the crazy conversation with Cissy and Bella to mind. I’d tried to share my love for the Lord with Cissy, but now I faced a real test: I had to put that love into action. I had to live that trust before I could expect Cissy to see it in me.

It wasn’t good enough to talk; I had to walk the walk.

My chuckle came out kind of choked. “Funny how God works sometimes.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Listen, shrink lady. Are you anywhere near?”

“I was on my way home, but I pulled off when I saw your number on my phone. Are you home?”

“Want to stop by?”

“Sure. I’ll be there in a couple of minutes.”

Tedd arrived, and as usual, we had to allow for Midas to greet
his
guest. They played fetch with his favorite rope knot, and then Tedd rewarded him with a doggy cookie. He plunked down at her feet and stared up at her with an excess of adoration. He wanted more: more games and many, many, many more cookies.

But I needed to sort through an avalanche of jumbled feelings. And after I convinced Midas that no more cookies were to be had, we left the kitchen and went to the living room. Tedd sat in a corner of the white-slipcovered couch, and as usual, I chose my late mother’s rocker. I told my therapist-turned-friend about Cissy’s lunchtime grilling. When I’d brought her up to speed, she sat for a handful of silent minutes.

“What’s your take?” she finally asked. “Do you still think Cissy killed her friend?”

“My head says she had the best motive of all—she inherits a good-size estate. But my heart? My heart tells me she didn’t do it. If she did it, then why would she question the coroner’s report? You’d think she’d be planning a party or a trip to Brazil for Carnaval.”

Tedd took a minute to digest. “If I had to go by what I learned in criminal psychology as well as my clinical experience with a wide variety of minds, I’d have to say you’re right. I don’t think Cissy Grover killed Darlene.”

“Cha-ching! Chalk one up for me. I did pretty good. And I didn’t spend a bundle or half my life to become a shrink either. How’d you like that?”

“Ah . . . but you can’t tell people what to do like I can, with my kind of authority.”

I snorted. “Yeah right. I’d like to see you give me one single, solitary direction. Your style runs more along the lines of a dentist’s drill: dig, dig, dig.”

“Does scuba ring a bell?”

“That was a dare. That’s different. You don’t command.”

“I make you think, and that’s moved you from that dark pit where you were to this new, lighter place. That’s what I’m trained to do. And with God’s help, I’m going to see you come all the way out on the other side.”

“Are
you
there?”

“Talk about dig, dig, dig.”

I mimicked obeisance. “I learned from the best.”

Tedd glanced at her laced hands. “I think I am there. And I won’t tell you I’ve forgotten one second of the rape, but I turned the rage and pain into resolve to heal myself and help others heal. After a while of despair, I came to the Lord, and he’s brought me here. I have to believe he’s kept his promise.”

“You’re still not married.”

“I’ve come close.”

“Really? I didn’t know that.”

“You know, Haley? Sometimes I forget we haven’t known each other all that long. And I do tend to keep much of myself inside.”

“Wanna share?”

She laughed. “Okay. While protecting the names of the innocent, I will confess it took me years to get where I am today. I’ve had two serious dating relationships since the attack. One came very, very close to the altar. But in the end neither worked out.”

“Because of you?”

Tedd picked up a vintage tapestry throw pillow and hugged it close “No. And not because of the guys either. There was love and companionship and passion, but either the timing was wrong, or the place didn’t work, or the faith wasn’t where it had to be for one or the other of us. Like I said, neither was right.”

The question that burned in my heart was the hardest to ask. But I really had to know. “Did you worry all the time that they might . . . that they might turn and—”

“I understand. And no. Well, at first, when I didn’t know either one very well, I’d get the occasional pang of fear, but I made myself keep my eyes on the cross. That’s where I had to drop the past, the fear—everything—and not pick it up again.”

“That’s the hardest part.”

“I won’t argue there.”

We both fell silent, each of us dealing with memories of horrible times and our trips back.

“So what are you going to do?” Tedd asked.

I took a deep breath. “I’m going to go.”

“Good for you! I’ll be praying for you.”

“And I’m going to hold you to that promise, shrink lady.”

“That’s fine. You do that. And remember to enjoy yourself.” “You don’t ask much, do you?”

She laughed again. “Make up your mind, will you? First you say I ask too many questions, and now you say I don’t ask much. What’s it going to be?”

I rolled my eyes. “Ever try to have fun with a six-foot-plus evil shadow hanging around?”

“Do tell.”

My rocking picked up speed. “You should’ve heard Dutch. He showed up at the all-you-can-eat place and plunked down at my side. He called me a snoop and accused me of sending Bella and Cissy to do my, as he called it, dirty work. He meant detecting.”

“I think he might have a teeny, tiny point somewhere in all that, Haley. Your curiosity is way too overdeveloped. It has landed you in trouble a time or two. It’s what gave Bella the final push to get her PI license.”

“That curiosity also solved two murders before innocent people—me included—were locked up for good.”

“I grant you that, but your curiosity goes wild and lands you at the wrong place at the wrong time. That only serves to make matters worse for you.”

“True, but my curiosity redeemed itself. It landed the killers where they belong: in jail.”

“Is that what you’re after here? Do you think someone killed Darlene Weikert and you need to bring them to justice?”

“Someone has to. You have to admit, too many scum are out there free to roam the earth.”

“Is it your job to nab them?”

I shrugged and watched my grumpy dog collapse on the hooked floral rug in front of the fireplace.

Tedd didn’t speak right away. Then, “Or is it a case of locking up those you can since the one who hurt you got away?”

I winced. She was right. The man who raped me got off with the equivalent of a slap on the hand. I can’t stand to see anyone victimized; I know too well how it feels. And there is no greater victimization than murder.

“What can I say? I don’t think Darlene’s cancer caused her death. Yes, it would’ve killed her sooner or later, but someone wanted her gone bad enough to hurry things up. I want to know who and why. She was a really neat lady—you should know. Her sons took advantage of her all the time, but she loved them enough to help them over and over again. And the way she cared for Jacob . . . it couldn’t have been easy. She had more patience than I’ll ever have.”

“I’m impressed. You saw her only once, and you have Darlene Weikert pegged to a T. How’d you do it?”

“Come on, Tedd. It doesn’t take a genius to see character like hers.”

“And you’re offended by her potential murder.”

“Everyone should be offended by murder.”

“But not everyone chases killers.”

“Not everyone’s been raped.”

She stiffened. “Wow.”

“Sorry. That was kind of a dig, but it’s how I feel.”

“And it’s what makes you tick these days, isn’t it?”

“Not by itself. Faith and love have a lot to do with my get-up-and-go. I have faith in the Lord’s love and his promise to heal. And I love Dad. I couldn’t just shrivel up and die on him.”

“Just as you can’t let Lila and her officers do their jobs.”

“If they did them, I’d feel differently.”

“And have you told Dutch about all of this? What happened to you and how it made you the kind of person you are? He can’t get into your head, you know.”

I flinched. “That’s a low blow, Tedd.” The rocker could’ve won the Indy 500 at the speed I cranked it to. “Of course I haven’t told Dutch any of this. I don’t think I’ve ever put it into words before. Besides, what does Dutch have to do with anything?”

“My question was to make you think, not to have you answer. But since you did, I have to remind you that not so long ago you didn’t want Dutch to be less than you hoped he was. I don’t think you’re as immune to him as you’d like.”

I sputtered.

I shook my head.

I stood and went to the door. “It’s late. I’m sure you’re tired and want to get going—”

“Don’t run away. And I don’t mean from home. You know your feelings for Dutch push you out of your comfort zone. I knew sooner or later you’d panic at the thought of a date, but I always thought Dutch would be the guy.”

I walked back to the rocker. “Why would you want me to date a man who thinks I’m so rotten?”

“I didn’t say I wanted you to date him. I think
you
want to date him—but you can’t admit it. Even to yourself.”

Did I tell her now that I’d accepted the attraction I felt for him a while back? And that she was dead-on right?

Nah.

My soul had dropped its drawers long enough for one night. “Well, for what it’s worth, I’m not going out with Dutch, and I’m not crazy about him right about now.”

She chuckled. “Okay. I’ll let you get away with it tonight. But you’re going to have to face your feelings sooner or later. Just remember that Chris is a decent guy, and he doesn’t deserve to be stuck in the hot seat between you and Dutch.”

“Weren’t we talking about the Weikerts?”

“Tell me about the Weikerts.”

“I think the sons did it. But I have to prove Darlene died of something besides cancer. And since nothing else came up in the coroner’s report, and no one bothered to run a toxicology screen, I have to find a way to get them to do it.”

“You don’t take on small challenges, do you?”

“If it’s worth doing at all, then it’s worth doing it all. And this time it’s worth doing the complete autopsy, soup to nuts.” I caught myself. “Yuck! That was ghoulish. Sorry. But you get what I mean. And it’s a good thing Darlene’s sons have dragged their feet on the funeral and she’s not been buried yet. It’d be harder to get where we need to go if we had to exhume her body.”

Tedd stood, picked up her cordovan leather briefcase, and went to the door. “I have to wonder if you didn’t major in the wrong field.”

“Whoa! Dad said the same thing.”

“Maybe we’re onto something.”

“But you guys think Bella and her PI license are a crazy joke. I don’t want to be lumped in with a nut like her.”

“Why not? You’re an awful lot alike.”

“Hey! I’m all about the victim, and Bella’s all about the boredom. She needs to get a life beyond those two maniacal cats.”

“What if you turn matchmaker? Find her a romance, and maybe she’ll settle down.”

“Bella? A romance?” I couldn’t see it. “Not in this lifetime.” She opened the door. “Keep it in mind. Love can make people do all kinds of uncharacteristic things.”

“Sounds like you speak from experience.”

She winked. “I told you I struck out twice, didn’t I? Now let me head on out. I didn’t spend the day chatting up two elderly ladies and fending off good-looking males. I’m tired.”

I groaned. “Don’t remind me. I have paperwork up to my eyeballs, and I don’t know when I’ll get to it. I have this big job for this very picky shrink here in town. Her dumpy office needs a makeover in the worst way.”

She laughed all the way to her car. I closed the door and leaned back against it. Dad was at a meeting. Midas was asleep. Tedd was gone.

It was just me and my thoughts, thoughts Tedd’s questions had raked up. The questions didn’t bother me. Not so much.

But the answers?

Those scared my mouth cotton dry.

The next morning I came too close for comfort to being late for the worship service. I blamed it all on Tedd. Questions and answers had buzzed in my head the whole night long.

I plopped into the aisle seat in the last pew and only then noticed my pew mate.

“What’s the deal, Haley girl? Where you been? You’re usually here before everyone but your daddy.”

The first notes to “How Great Thou Art” filled the sanctuary. “Bad night,” I whispered.

Bella’s blue eyes showed her concern. “I’ll pray for you, honey. And I’m glad you’re here now.”

No matter how nutty she might be, Bella is still one of my favorite people in the world. I tipped my head sideways and laid it on her shoulder for a fraction of a heartbeat.