Invasion from Uranus (20 page)

12 use these twin 9mm automatics. (beat) Every

13 day in every way, I'm getting Beretta and

14 Beretta.

15 DOC - Understood. Now I must destroy your dangerous machine

16 weapons with my bare hands before you can make another

17 cheap pun.

18
SFX - CRUMPLING METAL

19 TWO-GUN KID - Hey! Those were four hundred dollar guns!

20 DOC - Now they're not.

21 TWO-GUN KID - My guns! (beat) I'll kill you for that!

22 PATRICIA - Look out, Doc, he's got a New York Times!

23 DOC - Is he going to bore me to death?
1 TWO-GUN KID - Eat newsprint, beef-boy!

2
SFX - RUNNING FOOTSTEPS

3 DOC - At last, this was the moment I'd been waiting for!

4 All of my life I've been studying the martial arts:

5 karate, judo, ju juitso, kung-fu, jeet kune do, tae

6 quan do. My fists were iron hard, my body was ready.

7 DOC - And I knew exactly what I had to do!

8
SFX - RUNNING FOOTSTEPS - LOUD

9 DOC - Spinning around, I grabbed a nearby chair, and BUSTED

10 IT OVER HIS HEAD!

11
SFX - THE SOUND OF SPLINTERING WOOD

12 TWO-GUN KID - Ugh!

13
SFX - BODY DROP

14 DOC - Nothing is deadlier than hotel furniture.

15 PATRICIA - Oh, thank you for saving me, Doc Bronze!

16 DOC - My pleasure, miss.

17 PATRICIA - Hmm, six foot six, four hundred and fifty pounds

18 of solid muscle, in a red tiny speedo..any

19 chance you're hetero?

20 DOC - Of course! I am from Chicago.

21 PATRICIA - Great!

22 DOC - But first, I must flex.

23
SFX - RIPPING CLOTH

1 PATRICIA - (giggle)

2
MX - EXIT MUSIC, HOLD, FADE to BACKGROUND

3 NARRATOR - Hopped up on steroids and monkey-flavored power

4 bars, tonight's vitamin-packed radio play was

5 muscularly written by a bare-knuckled - Nick

6 Pollotta

7 Starring: as the Narrator - (name)

8 With (name) - as Doc Bronze.

9 Co-starring (name) as Prof. Hollywood.

10 (name) - as the Two-Gun Kid.

11 (name) - as Patricia.

12 With Sound Effects by - (name)

13
SFX - LAWN MOWER CRASHING THROUGH GLASS WINDOW, SQUEALING

14
BRAKES, METALLIC CRASH, HOWLING MONKEYS, EXPLOSION

15 NARRATOR - And guest starring Abdul Benny Hassan as...

16 the I.R.S. agent.

17
SFX - ICE TINKLING

18 HASSAN - YEOW!!! (shiver) Oh....I like it.

19 DOC - Damn. More ice!

20 NARRATOR - If for some reason you enjoyed tonight's' bizarre

21 presentation, then you may also like our ever

22 on-going outer space epic BIC BUTANE...

23 (echo) SPACE...HEATER...!

1
SFX - ROCKET SHIP WHOOSH

2 NARRATOR - Plus, another Kafta-esque nightmare with

3 Paranoia-Man!

4
SFX - RUNNING FOOTSTEPS - STOP

5 PARANOIA-MAN - (panting) You...you won't get by everybody!

6 HUGE CHORUS - OF YES, WE WILL!

7 PARANOIA-MAN - (scream)

8 NARRATOR - And so, ladies and gentlemen, this has been

9 W-Q-Q-Q....

10 CHORUS - (sing) All radio, all the time!

11 NARRATOR - ....reminding you to flex regularly-

12
SFX - RIPPING CLOTH

13 NARRATOR - And that it's time for us to say goodbye, and

14 have a pleasant tomorrow. (beat) Goodnight.

15
MX - CRESCENDO - FADE-OUT EXIT MUSIC

A former stand-up comic, radio ad man, stone mason, ditch digger, truck driver, and high-security courier, Nick Pollotta is now a novelist with over 60 books published worldwide, and total sales in the millions.

Aside from writing four novels a year, in his spare time Nick likes to perform with the local Chicago comedy group, The Gunderson Corporation, and plays way too much golf.

Happily married, Nick resides in northern Illinois with his beautiful wife, Melissa, 14,000 books, four computers and three cats who plan to conquer the world any day now.