Iron Cross: The Dartmouth Cobras #6 (52 page)

“Of course, because I had no say in the matter.” Raif pressed her head against his shoulder and let out a heavy sigh. “Humor me,
ljubavi
. Pretend you need me near so I feel that I have some use.”

Damn him, she loved when the accent in his tone thickened with emotion. Loved that he was big and strong enough for her to lean on, that he needed to hold her as much as she needed to be held. “I don’t have to pretend, Raif. Call me selfish, because I deserve to be alone, but I can’t…” Stupid fucking tears. She rolled her eyes and tried to blink them away. “During a scene I never miss a thing. The way they breathe, their body language, their pulse. I can read what each and every little nuance means. But I’ve been blind and deaf to everything beyond what I can control. I keep thinking back and trying to figure out where I went wrong. Where do I start?” The laugh she let out was painful, more like a sob being ripped out of her chest no matter how hard she fought to hold it in. “The list of what I’ve done right is so much shorter.”

“Putting our lists together might be less discouraging.” He kissed her hair and stroked her back. “We can dwell on all our mistakes, but what will that change? The four of us have much to discuss. I suggest we give them some space. A short time to decide where they want to take things from here.”

All right, that made sense. She wasn’t crazy about the idea of giving Laura or Tyler too much space though. She’d been away from both while taking care of her father, then the road trip, and now this mess. “What if they decide they’re done with both of us?”

“They won’t.” Raif gently pried the keys from her hand, then unlocked the car door. “We will remind them all we have together when they come home, Chicklet.”

“Home…” She put her hand on the top of the door, not moving even though he obviously thought she was going to let him drive. The idea amused her, but she was more interested in his choice of words at the moment. “So you’ve decided to move in with us?”

“Temporarily. We’ll discuss a new arrangement once things settle down.” He arched a brow at her when she slipped into the driver’s seat and held her hand out for her keys. “I think you may have missed why I took the keys.”

“Not at all, you’re simply mistaken about the things I’ll let you have a say in. Discipline, decorating, sometimes who’s on top.” She winked at him as he gave her a hooded look. Men were so easy. All she needed was the split second he took to adjust his hardening cock to swipe her keys from his hand. She smirked as he rolled his eyes, starting the car as he went around to the passenger side and climbed in. “My car. I drive. Nonnegotiable.”

“Stubborn woman. Very well, but don’t expect me to let you dictate all that we may or may not negotiate. This will be a partnership—I am not another sub who will expect you to control every aspect of my life.”

Ouch.
Chicklet put her hands on the steering wheel and left the car in park. He probably hadn’t meant to throw all her fuckups in her face like that, but now that he had, she could feel them like a landslide caving down on her. One more wrong move and they’d crush her.

“Chicklet, look at me.” Raif put his hand over one of hers on the steering wheel. When she looked at him she could see the regret in his eyes. Hear it in his tone as he spoke. “I didn’t mean to hurt you; I am only saying that I will stand by your side. And negotiations will involve all four of us, whether our lazy little subs like it or not.”

“Lazy?” Chicklet snorted, but Raif’s expression showed he was serious. “Laura’s an amazing cop who works her ass off. And you know very well Tyler’s dedicated to the game and gives it his all. How could you say they’re lazy?”

“‘Yes, Mistress. No, Mistress.’ is not participating in a relationship. You’ve admitted that Laura didn’t come to you with her concerns, but even in that, you’ve taken the responsibility for not pushing for her to speak up. They are not helpless pets, and we will remind them of this when we speak with them.”

She inhaled, nodding as she considered how frustrated she’d been with Laura’s unwillingness to discuss anything. With Tyler every time he waited for her to approve each and every thing he did. He’d been getting better, and Laura had made some progress recently, but they were long past time to revisit what they all wanted out of this relationship. Such a simple solution, and somehow, Raif spelling things out so plainly made her feel like he’d dug through the rubble to offer her his hand and pull her to solid ground.

“That would be good. Fuck, I should have…” She shook her head and sighed. “Doesn’t matter. You’re right, they need to be encouraged to actively participate in the relationship. Not just with us, but with each other. Although…” Her lips slanted as she considered how she could give her exasperating, but loveable subs a break from the day-to-day stress of acting like functioning adults. “Letting them be helpless pets once in a while is not a
bad
idea.”

T
he room was way too quiet. Tyler spread his DVDs out on the bed, ignoring Callahan who’d refused to leave after Pearce had been released to go home with Scott and Becky. Doc had come in, scheduled a whole bunch of tests, then gave Tyler the good and bad news. If the results of the tests were positive, Tyler wouldn’t miss more than one game. Bad news, Tyler was stuck here overnight for observation.

Not so bad, actually.
Tyler picked up
Mulan
. His hand shook as he closed his eyes and saw Raif laughing at the little dragon, remembered how he felt sharing all those stupid, special moments with the other man. He dropped the movie and picked up another.

Callahan let out an irritated sound and stood, taking the DVD and setting it aside. He braced his hands on the side of the bed. “Do you want me to call one of the other guys? I get if you don’t want to talk to me, but you have to—”

“I’m fine talking to you, Callahan. Hey, the situation must seem pretty fucking familiar, right? Not the first time I haven’t fit.” Tyler let out a bitter laugh, thinking of how easily he’d been pushed out of the relationship with Oriana. At least they’d all been honest with him, hadn’t strung him along and pretended he belonged. He tried to think of when Laura had decided he wasn’t fun to play with anymore. Maybe she’d felt sorry for him when he was hurt. Just being nice because he was so fucking pathetic.

She was a nice person. Never mind making all the right sounds when he fucked her—sitting with him all those nights, watching stupid movies and acting like they were friends must have been hard. Saying she loved him for two years when she was desperate for him to just go away…

“Thank you for being real with me, Coach. At least I know exactly what you think of me. I’m a damn good player. A lousy sub. A dumb kid.” He smiled when Callahan frowned at him. “No worries. I get it. You must be impressed that Chicklet put up with me for so long.”

“She loves you, Vanek.” Callahan straightened and pulled out his phone. “I’m getting Luke to come down. Put on a movie until he gets here—be a good distraction. Fuck, I’ll watch one with you.”

“Yeah? Which one, Coach?” Tyler grabbed
Mulan
, pulled the disc out of the case, and snapped it, his voice rising as he tossed the pieces. “Not the one I watched with Raif—it’ll remind me how he faked enjoying it so I didn’t wonder why Laura didn’t want me at the hospital. Makes sense though, why the fuck would she want me there?” He threw another movie at the wall as he shoved off the bed. “Not that one either. All these fucking kid movies I liked so much because they were funny and they were the only good thing I had when I was a kid. About time for me to grow up, don’t you think?”

“Calm down, kid—”

“I’m not a goddamn kid!” Tyler lifted up the DVD player and drove it down into the floor with a resounding
Smash!
His vision swam in red as he broke another movie. He swept the rest of them off the bed, twisting away from Callahan when the coach made a grab for him. “I love her! I fell in love with him, and every goddamn minute I spent with them was fake! Every…” The movie by his foot caught his eye and he dropped to his knees. Tears blinded him as he remembered so many nights where Laura woke up from nightmares and they would sit together, her head on his chest, her body shaking until “Part of your World” came on. Same song every time.

And she would tip her head back, smile at him, and whisper ‘Thank you’.

Shit, she couldn’t have faked that. But if she could have shared those moments with him and still wanted him gone…he’d never been worth keeping. She’d risked her relationship with Chicklet by scheming with Raif. He could tell Chicklet was pissed, but she wouldn’t leave Laura. She’d loved Laura long before him, and they’d find a way to get past this.

Without him. He was the only real problem.

As he snapped the movie in his hands, the last of his strength left him. His whole body ached and he just wanted to sleep. He lifted his head when he heard Callahan talking to someone. The doctor. Who came over and held out his hand.

“Come on, son, let’s get you back in that bed.” Doc smiled as Tyler got up o
ff the floor and into the bed. “I’m going to give you something to help you rest. I understand there was some drama here, but we’re going to avoid any more until you regain your strength. Do you have family that can come stay with you?”

His mother was away on another trip with her fiancé. Other than her, he had no one.

No, that wasn’t true. Luke and Scott were like brothers to him. Scott would want to stay with Pearce, but maybe Luke…

Tyler carefully rested his head on the pillow and stared up at the ceiling. “Can you call Luke, Coach? No offense, but I don’t really want anyone else around.”

Callahan stepped up to the doctor’s side and patted Tyler’s shoulder. “I’m on it. And I’m sorry this… Fuck, I don’t know what to say except I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Tyler turned his head so Callahan wouldn’t see the fresh tears. He was tired of people feeling sorry for him. Tired of mistaking pity for love. “Just go.”

* * * *

Three days and Raif still hadn’t seen Tyler, but his boy had been to Zach’s house and Zach had called to say he looked much better. Today, when Raif had arrived at the Forum early for the morning practice, Coach Shero had casually mentioned Tyler had been cleared to skate with the team.

He sensed the moment Tyler walked into the locker room. Heard his laughter, which helped ease the pressure in Raif’s chest. He wanted to go to Tyler, to tell him how little Chicklet was sleeping since he’d been gone—which Raif only knew because he hadn’t slept much himself. He needed Tyler to listen to the truth of why they’d kept so much from him. But only when Tyler was ready to hear what they had to say.

What
Raif
had to say. There was no way to know how this would all end, whether Laura could ever accept Tyler in her life, whether Chicklet could continue to be torn between them. Raif’s connection with Chicklet was growing, and he could see them building a strong partnership. He was fond of Laura, despite all that had come to pass. But he loved Tyler, and he’d already paid once for walking away from love. He wouldn’t waste his second chance.

He wouldn’t pressure Tyler, not here and not now, but he had to show him the door was open. Would remain open for as long as it took. With clumsy fingers, Raif finished tying his skates. He lifted his head to see Pischlar standing at his own stall, glancing at Tyler then at Raif. Pischlar inclined his head as though to say “Go for it.”

“Tyler.” Raif started to rise, changing his mind as Tyler turned. His boy’s spine was stiff and he already looked defensive. Hopefully he would relax a little more without Raif standing over him.

Tyler moved away from Carter, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his faded blue jeans. His clothes were all ill-fitting, clearly borrowed from Carter since Tyler hadn’t been home to pack any of his own things. There were shadows under the bright blue eyes that locked on Raif. Tyler mustn’t have slept well either.

Even his tone sounded weary as he stopped in front of Raif. “Hey. Great game yesterday. Looking forward to playing with you guys tomorrow night.”

“Having you with us again will be good.”

“If you’re talking about on the ice, then yeah.” Tyler hunched his shoulders and dropped his gaze to the floor. “Otherwise…”

“We have much to discuss,
zlato moje
.” Raif’s lips curved slightly as he noticed Carter scowling at him. Tyler had protective friends. Which was good, but they couldn’t speak freely here. “Perhaps at some point today?”

“I…maybe, okay? I’ve been fucked up over what happened, and I’m not sure I can take having this whole mess dragged out again. That win clinched us a spot in the playoffs. I need to focus on healing.” He lifted his hands as though to rake his fingers through the mess of his curls, wincing as his fingertips brushed the triangular line of stitches on his temple. “On getting strong enough to be an asset on the ice.”

“And beyond that?”
Do not push him, Raif.
He tried to keep his tone level and calm, but everything Tyler said sounded too much like he was ready to move on. Raif had to get through to his boy before he built walls between them that could never be breached.

“Luke and Ramos are letting me stay with them as long as I need to. Damn it, Raif, I did things with you that…that I always thought I wouldn’t.” Tyler looked over his shoulder at Pischlar, his cheeks growing red. He scuffed his socked feet on the carpet, staring at the floor again. “My friends, my teammates, this
team
matters more than awesome sex. I had fun, but I’ve got shit to figure out.”

Before Raif could come up with a way to prove to Tyler they’d had so much more than “awesome sex,” White slammed his sports bag in his stall and turned to Pischlar. “Whoa, wait a fucking second. You’re all pissed at me for fucking…chicks in my room with Richards, and you were fucking Vanek?”

“For fuck’s sake, does everyone need to know who you’re all sleeping with?” Callahan came out of his office and stormed into the locker room. “If this is an issue that has to be hashed out right this goddamn minute, get in my office and close the fucking door.”

“Nothing that can’t wait.” Pischlar peeled off his shirt and tossed it in his stall. Then he slouched on the bench and gave White a bored look. “Not sure why you think I’m pissed. Or why any of this is your business.”

“It’s not.” White didn’t appear as certain as he sounded. “And what I do isn’t any of yours either.”

“Agreed.” Pischlar smiled pleasantly at Callahan. “All worked out.”

“Great.” Callahan rolled his eyes, then snapped at Richards the second the boy walked into the locker room. “In my office. Now. We’re going to have a chat about you getting mixed up with all this bullshit before it’s too fucking late.”

Richards paled. “I didn’t do anything! We were drinking and…nothing really happened.”

Callahan threw his arms up in the air. “Damn it, White!”

A few steps behind Richards, Hunt let out a feral sound and lunged toward White. “You son of a bitch!”

Thankfully, Demyan was right behind him and latched on to the young goalie’s collar before he reached White. He dragged Hunt to a bench clear across the room. “I’m going to get you a fucking shock collar. Sit.” Demyan smirked when Hunt snarled at him. “Stay.” He patted the young man on the head. “Good boy.”

In front of Raif, Tyler was making a valiant effort not to laugh. His eyes sparkled as he met Raif’s, and for a split second he was the same young man who’d told Raif he loved him. Who responded to every touch, every kiss, with more passion than any man or woman Raif had ever known.

The light in his eyes faded, but there was still enough to give Raif hope. He stood before Tyler could walk away, catching Tyler’s arm and speaking low as the rest of the team crowded into the locker room. “Do you remember what you told me about Pischlar and White? About what we have and why it will last?”

Tyler swallowed hard and nodded. “I remember.”

Movement to the side had Raif quickly sidestepping without releasing Tyler. Carter’s fist grazed Raif’s jaw even as he shouted. “Get away from him, Zovko!”

Men shouted. A whistle sounded and everyone went still and quiet as Coach Shero made his way over. The coach put his hand on Carter’s shoulder. “In my office. We have a new locker room rule. No one may punch, slap, or throw things at Mr. Zovko. I would very much prefer if you all could control your tempers, but we shall not ask for miracles, yes?”

“You don’t know what he did.” Carter protested as Shero led him away. “And, ah…what happens if we break the rule?”

“You are about to find out, Mr. Carter.”

“Shit. That doesn’t sound good.”

This time, Tyler didn’t hold back his laugh. Several of the other men were chuckling as well. The drama was forgotten as discussion turned to high expectations for the playoffs.
Bower was skating with the team again and, by all reports, would split the remaining games with Hunt so he’d be well rested for the postseason. Little scuffles here and there no longer shifted the mood of the entire locker room. Almost as though nothing could bring them down.

If only all our problems could be fixed with a few wins on the ice.

Tyler took a seat beside Raif as he settled down in front of his stall to pull on the rest of his equipment. “This is all crazy, isn’t it? We can’t really get into things now, but I’ll hear you out, Raif.” He rubbed his thighs and chewed on his bottom lip. “Not after practice—Doc wants to see me. But maybe tonight we can meet up.”

Raif nodded slowly. “Chicklet is working at the club tonight, but we can meet somewhere else if you’d prefer.”

Tyler shook his head. “No, the club’s fine. I don’t know how long I’ll stay, but this involves both of you. And Laura. You talk, I’ll listen. I won’t promise more.”

“It is enough, Tyler.” Raif put his hand over the one Tyler was rubbing against his thigh to stop the nervous gesture. “But please do not forget that we—that
I
love you. Everything I’ve done, no matter how foolish, has been for that very reason.”