It Never Rhines but It Pours (11 page)

Megan interrupted again. “Last year Cassidy and I peeked in our stockings before Christmas.”

“Yes, you did.” I decided that this was a learning moment. “Did you spoil your surprise that way?”

“No,” she shook her head matter-of-factly. “We looked way before Christmas morning so we didn’t remember what we had seen when it was time to open them. It was okay.”

Not a learning moment. Maybe another opportunity would come up to teach them about the joys of waiting for surprises. Maybe I would learn my lesson and not stuff Christmas stockings before Christmas Eve. The year before I had misplaced the bag with all the stocking stuffers and hadn’t found it until Valentine’s Day. Last year I had stuffed the stockings early to make sure I knew where everything was. Obviously not a great plan.

I tried to remember what I had been going to say. Oh yeah, Nana. “Anyways,” I started.

“If Santa isn’t real does that mean that Rudolf isn’t real either?” Megan asked.

“Megan, we will talk about this later. Right now I need to tell you something important.”

“What?”

“We’re going to Nanny’s house and there is someone special visiting.” I said, “She’s Nanny’s mother,” really fast before Megan could guess who the special person was and send us off on another rabbit trail. “Her name is Nana.”

“Mommy?” Megan asked. I waited for her to go on. There was silence from the back seat. Finally I realized that she wasn’t going to say anything more until I answered her.

“Yes?”

“How did Nana know to name Nanny, Nanny?”

“What?”

“And how did Nanny know to name you ‘Mommy?’” Megan sounded puzzled.

I tried not to laugh. “That’s a good question, sweetie. The answer is that my name isn’t ‘Mommy,’ it’s ‘Piper.’”

“Then why do we have to call you ‘Mommy?’”

“Because it’s polite. And you are the only people in the world who get to call me ‘Mommy!’”

“But it’s not your name.”

We were getting way off track again and the car was starting to heat up sitting in the garage. I started the ignition and backed out of the driveway. “You call me ‘Mommy,’” I said firmly. “And you will call the lady who will be at Nanny’s house ‘Nana.’”

There was something more I was going to say but I couldn’t remember it now. Something about how Nana was a little odd sometimes and not to say anything about it. I couldn’t say
that
obviously, because then they would tell her that their Mommy said she was odd. If we hadn’t talked about Santa Claus I might have remembered how I was going to word it. Oh well, what was the worst that could happen?

Next time I have that thought I’m going to kick myself. My imagination is woefully lacking when it comes to “the worst that could happen.” I think I’m home safe, and then “bam!” something even worse happens.

I parked the car in my parent’s driveway and unbuckled the girls. They ran squealing up to the front door. There was a strange car in the driveway that I assumed belonged to Nana. I cringed at the thought of her driving anywhere. One day we would have to take her driver’s license away.
That
would be a fun day.

Megan and Cassidy were both happily knocking on the door and ringing the doorbell when I joined them. I was just in time to see the door open, and come face to face with Pravus.

“You!” I yelled.

Chapter Ten:

Guess Who’s Coming to Lunch

“Piper! You’re here!” my mom greeted me. There was a strained look on her face.

“Mom?” I asked. “What’s
he
doing here?”

“Piper! Be polite! This is your great-uncle Burt’s son, Richard,” Mom ushered us in and closed the door behind us. We all stood in the foyer and looked at each other. Pravus was smiling. I was going to kick his teeth in.

“Mom,” I said firmly. “This is not—” She cut me off, giving the girls a big hug and asking if they were ready for lunch. They all raced off to the kitchen, leaving me glaring at Pravus.

“What are you doing here?” I hissed.

He smiled blandly. “Is that any way to greet a relative, Piper?” he asked.

“You are not a relative! You are a slimy, weasely, little witch, and if you don’t tell me what you are doing here with my
mom
then I am going to …” I couldn’t think of anything sufficiently horrible. “What are you doing here?” I asked again.

He crossed his arms over his scrawny chest and leaned against the wall. “I’m here to make sure you do your job.”

I felt like hopping up and down in rage like a cartoon character. If I’d been wearing a hat I might have tried to eat it. “What do you mean ‘do my job?’” I felt my face turning red. “My
job
was to kill you! Keep pushing and I’ll do it!”

He patted my shoulder in a fatherly way. I was so in shock that he had dared to touch me that I didn’t punch him in the face like I should have. “Calm down, cousin.” He stopped and looked thoughtful. “Are we cousins? Second cousins? First cousins once removed?”

“I’d like to remove
you
,” I said. “You need to leave here immediately, before I do something we both will regret. Or at least something that
you
will regret. If you’re even alive to regret it!”

“I can’t,” he explained patiently. “Aunt Mildred needs my help.”

“Who?” I asked.

“My Aunt Mildred. She’s your Nana.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. Where was the stinkin’ Sword of Justice when you needed it? “She is
not
your Aunt Mildred. You are no relation to this family at all. What are you really doing here?”

“I told you,” he yawned. “I’m here to clear my name. You didn’t kill me, great. I am
so
grateful.” He didn’t sound grateful. “But if you don’t find out who the real killer is, then I could still be killed by another Guardian. One not as squeamish as you.”

“Squeamish!” I shrieked and then looked around quickly to make sure that no one could hear our conversation. Mom and the girls were in the kitchen making a lot of noise. I didn’t see Nana anywhere, so we were safe.

“Face it, Cavanaugh,” he sneered. “You don’t have what it takes to chop someone’s head off.”

I looked around wildly, “Somebody throw me a kitchen knife! I’m ready now!” I glared at him, “Next time I won’t hesitate.”

“Sure,” he laughed annoyingly. “You keep thinking that.”

“That still doesn’t explain what you are doing here. You really think I’m going to let you stay here with my family?”

“What better place to keep an eye on your activities,” he stepped back quickly as I made a lunge at his throat. “Ah, ah, ah. Control yourself, my dear. I’m here to stay; get used to the idea.” He tried out the fatherly smile again, “Also to help. You will need lots of help if you want to get out of this alive.”

I fumed and glowered, but he was right. We had gone to his house to ask him more questions. Questions that we needed to know the answer to if we were going to solve this thing. That didn’t mean that he could stay here at my parents’ house though. That was out of the question. No way was some Satanic witch going to be sleeping in my mom’s guest bedroom!

“Fine,” I snapped. “But you can’t stay here.”

“Yes, I can,” he said.

“No, you can’t.”

“Yes, I can.”

“
No
, you can’t.”

“Who’s going to stop me?” he asked belligerently.

“Me,” I snarled and used the Voice. “You will leave this house now.”

“No, I won’t,” he said. My jaw dropped. He smiled and I wanted to knee him in the balls. Just once. Maybe twice. “I have made precautions,” he explained. “Do you think I would come here, to the lair of the Rhine Maidens and not protect my mind from your powers?”

Lair? What was this? Some kind of Batman cave? Mom chose that moment to call us to lunch. It appeared that I was going to have to play nice a little longer. But just wait until Cecily woke up this evening. She was going to get an earful.

Nana had been taking a nap. She was in her nineties, frail and shriveled, with fluffy white hair that barely covered her pink scalp. She was wearing bright red lipstick and either her eyesight was going, or she didn’t believe in coloring inside the lines. She hobbled to the table and sat down.

“What’s for lunch, Marion?” she warbled. “I’m famished.”

Mom was clearly flustered. Something about her mother-in-law put her on edge. She always acted like she was trying to impress Nana and believed that she was failing. “I thought we would have sandwiches, chips, and fruit,” she stammered. “And I have cookies for desert.”

“Cookies!” cheered Megan and Cassidy, easy to please.

Nana looked down her nose at Mom. “Sandwiches?” she repeated. “I prefer a hot meal at lunch.”

“Oh,” Mom looked lost. “I suppose I could …”

I stepped in. “You can have a hot meal for dinner, Nana.” I bent over and gave her a hug. “It’s good to see you.”

“Goodness child!” she complained. “Don’t knock a person about so! A hefty girl like you shouldn’t be throwing her weight around!”

I bit my lip and marched into the kitchen. I was not going to lose my temper. She was an old lady and had used up her life allotment of tact twenty years ago. It was funny. I should laugh. I tried a chuckle; it sounded forced.

I caught Pravus smirking. Curse him! I would really have to find a way to get rid of him. This was not going to work for me. I pretended like I had been looking for the napkins and came back to the table. Megan and Cassidy were busy helping themselves to the fruit bowl.

“Girls, hands out of the bowl,” I said calmly. After meeting a witch in my mother’s house, dirty fingers in the food seemed rather trivial.

“But, Mom!”

“No buts. Sit down and I will serve you.”

Soon everyone was seated and served, and talking was stilled by chewing. I tried to keep my glares to a minimum. I didn’t want Mom to start wondering why I didn’t like Pravus. I mean, Richard. Nana was telling some complicated story about her gallbladder. Megan was listening with huge eyes, so I was sure I would get lots of questions later. I tuned everyone out and tried to think.

This could work. I needed some excuse to get Pravus alone, and then I could question him about his enemies. He’d answer, something would pop out at me, and we’d be done with this whole debacle. Of course, that meant that we had to kill someone else. But hey, we were going to have to do that anyways.

The front door opened. “Hey, Mom! I’m home!” It was Sarah. I jumped up from the table in order to warn her before she saw Pravus.

“You haven’t been excused, Mommy,” Megan pointed out.

“Just a sec, honey,” I smiled and bolted for the front door.

“Sarah!” I hissed quietly.

“What? Why are you whispering, Piper?” Sarah asked loudly.

“Hush!” I glanced over my shoulder. “
Pravus
is here.”

“What?” This was even louder.

“Will you be quiet? Pravus, the witch, he’s here.”

“How can he be here?” she was at least trying to moderate her voice now.

“I don’t know. He was here when I opened the door. Mom thinks he’s Great-uncle Burt’s son or something. He came with Nana.”

“He can’t be here!” Sarah was shocked.

I wanted to shake her. “You think I don’t know that! I tried to get rid of him but …” I caught sight of Mom entering the room.

“Oh, there you two are.” She looked a little stressed. “I was wondering where you got off to.” She lowered her voice to a whisper, “Don’t leave me in there alone!”

I giggled. I couldn’t help it. It was just too funny. Usually
I
was the one hiding from my mother-in-law and
Mom
was the one telling me to get a grip. She gave me a look that would freeze a volcano and I instantly sobered up. “Sure thing, Mom. We’ll be right there.”

She waited for me to come while I waited for her to leave. Neither one of us moved. “Fine,” I sighed. “We’re coming right now.”

“But, Piper …” Sarah looked uncertain.

I gave her a big, fake, “we’ll talk later” smile. “Come on, Sarah. Come meet Cousin Richard.”

Chapter Eleven:

Magical Mayhem

Lunch was not a disaster. At least, no one will remember that lunch was a disaster. And that was because both Sarah
and
I had to use our abilities to fix the mess. In the annals of the history of my life, that lunch will be topping out the disaster list.

It started harmlessly enough. Sarah got her sandwich and sat down at the table after greeting Nana. I noticed that Nana didn’t say anything about Sarah being hefty. Not that I was upset about that at all. I just noticed. I also noticed Sarah shaking out half the chip bag on her plate and grabbing a handful of cookies. Megan noticed too.

“Mommy,” she said.

“Yes?”

“Can I have a cookie?”

“You haven’t finished your sandwich yet, dear.”

Nana was looking at Cassidy in horrified fascination. I’ll admit, sometimes two years olds can be a little messy when they are eating. Make that
all
the time. It’s amazing how they can pick up a sandwich and manage to drop the insides all over the floor before it reaches their mouth. I scooped up the meat quickly and remade the sandwich.