It Was You (11 page)

The bright lights flashing against the already sunlit sky brings me back to my childhood. I become giddy walking through the gates of the carnival, even if I'm not participating in any of the fun. I know I'll have enough happiness simply watching his niece and nephew go on the rides.

When we get up to the ticket counter Justice asks for six bracelets, one for each of us. "Uh, no, that's-" I start to protest, but Jaron stops me by whispering in my ear. I can't even register what he says because I become too concentrated on the feeling it gives me. I'm sure it's something along the lines of allowing her to buy it for me.

When it’s my turn to receive the bracelet on my wrist, Justice makes a comment on my hairs standing on end. "A bit chilly?" she asks. "You're covered in goosebumps." With a wink she turns to speak to the kids. I can only imagine my face is flushed with embarrassment.

I run my hand up and down my arm to rid myself of the goosebumps, most certainly not caused by the temperature in the air. "A little," I say out loud anyways. Jaron looks down at my arm but doesn't make a remark about it.

As a group we walk over to the kid rides. On the first ride- the super slide that has to be at least forty feet tall- Alexia asks for me to ride down with her. I take her hand and together we climb to the top of the slide then ride down on a dirty brown mat together. She screams out with excitement the whole way down the hilly slide. Once we're out of the gate, she asks to go a second time. Her brother stands aside, watching us go down, too nervous of the height, even with his dad and Jaron both offering to go with him.

Eventually we make our way to all the kid sized rides once. Before we can start round two, the kids are already asking for food. They instantly run together to the cotton candy stand but I hear Justice tell them they need something more filling and the cotton candy will be saved until the end. Jaron bumps my shoulder, stealing my attention from there and from my thoughts. I would have loved growing up the way they do. I want that for my future, for my children. The love Justice has for her children- every child deserves that.

"Let's go on a few of the big kid rides," he suggests comically.

"Are you sure? I don't want to leave your sister."

He perks up a brow. "You got a thing for my sister I don't know about?"

"Ew." I shove his shoulder with my hand. "That's disgusting to even joke about."

With a laugh, he grabs the hand that just pushed against him, lacing his fingers through mine. My breath stops. Everything around us blurs away while the two of us stare at one another. He has to feel the same thing I do- the heart racing, barely breathing confusion.

It takes a minute for me to even think straight, and the only reason I can is because he drops my hand. My chest hurts a little when I realize he doesn’t want to actually hold my hand.

Grow up, Ravyn,
I tell myself.

"The Ferris wheel?" he asks.

"Um, yeah, sure," I fumble with my words. Everything about what just happened is still making me feel foggy.

He places his hand suggestively on the lower side of my back, helping guide me to the Ferris wheel. A ride that absolutely terrifies me for some God forsaken reason, but for Jaron I'll give it a go.

The door closes on the purple, metal bubble, then we slowly ascend into the sky. I have to look straight because if I look down I'll end up sick, I can feel it already. The wooziness. "Are you okay?" Jaron asks, sliding a little closer to me.

Nodding my head, I give him a lie for an answer.

"No you're not," he calls me out.

I continue nodding my head anyways.

"Look at me, Ravyn."

I turn my head ever so much to look at the bright green of his caring eyes. I assumed he'd be looking at me like I was by far the biggest idiot on the planet for being terrified of such a basic carnival ride, but instead he looks concerned for me. "Are you okay?" he asks slower, making it known I need to answer him honestly.

I stop nodding my head instantly to shake it back and forth. "I hate heights," I answer quickly.

"You need to start standing up for yourself, Ravyn." The tenderness in his stare begins to burn into mine. I can't figure out if he's actually angry or not. Then he adds in with a sweeter tone, "But I'm proud you're facing one of your fears."

"You're confusing," I say softly, unable to speak normal.

The side of his lip lifts amusingly. "Just another thing we have in common, I suppose."

"What else do we have in common?"

Looking away he answers, "Too much." Then quickly changes the subject. "We're going to have to leave in the morning. I wanted to today but I needed this one last night here."

"That's okay. I hate borrowing your sister’s clothes anyways. I need my own. I think my boss is going to have my ass, too. I missed work today."

His head twists fast and I know for a fact the look on his face is of outrage. "What? You didn't tell me you had to work today."

"I don't care," I tell him honestly. "She knows... a lot. She isn't going to be mad about missing one day." I
hope.

"When are you going to start being more vocal?" he asks- this time his question is full of accusation. I can admit, it hurts. I understand completely that I'm not someone who sticks up for myself, I've learned where it gets me. I'm better off agreeing and going with the flow rather than having a say in things. He knew that about me, so he doesn't have the right to get angry with me for being... me. Maybe he
can't
love me after all. I'm not his kind of woman, obviously.

Instead of answering, I look over the edge regardless of my fear. It's better than looking at a face of disappointment. A ball forms deep in my throat, but I can't tell if it's out of panic or rejection.

When the ride stops at the very top my heart starts to beat twice as fast. My anxiety slams into me full throttle, making me sweat and start to hyperventilate. I can't stop him from seeing the freak within. His arms pull on me, pulling me into him so quickly that I don't have a moment to think. "Shh," he whispers. "It's okay, Ravyn. I'm here. I'm here for you. Shh. Breathe. Breathe, baby, just breathe."

I concentrate on his words, on his hold, on my breathing. Deep breath in, slow breath out. Repeat.

He continues to calm me down with his words.

"Baby, breathe,
" he tells me. "
Shh, it's okay. I'm here...
"

When the anxiety fades away and my heart no longer feels like it's tightening in my chest, I start to cry. I actually cry in front of someone, and even with the embarrassment of the tears, I continue to let them go.

"What's wrong? Is it the height?" he whispers loudly.

I shake my head slowly back and forth, because although that is what triggered my attack, it isn't at all what caused me to cry. It was his words and sanctuary of his hold, the things I was craving before are ruining me because I have no idea what
we
are. What
this
is. Why in the hell he’s holding me, saying those sweet things, when we're nothing more than acquaintances. He is hurting me by showing me the love I so desperately crave.

Right now, I hate it. All of it.

Of course I can't say that to him. As he mentioned seconds ago, I’m not a vocal person. I can't express myself and my feelings. Apparently I can show them after all, but to spew the words racing through my mind is impossible.

Placing his palms on either side of my cheeks, he directs my attention entirely on him. There is so much seriousness in his expression. He tends to be serious so often I feel like he's a decade older than me.

I realize that I have no idea how old he actually is.

There is still so much I don’t know about Jaron, but what I do know about him is damn near perfect- at least in my eyes.

Before I can ask him his age, he steals my heart a bit more than he already has. "I never want to see tears falling from your face," he says.

"I can't help them," I answer back with honesty. I hold them back so often that when they do fall, it's hard to stop them.

"I get it. Life's toxic. It's an asshole. We all have our anxieties and heartaches and fears. That's not why you're crying though. I know it’s not. Tell me... why are you crying, Ravyn?"

"Why do you say my name like that?" I snap.

"I didn't realize I said your name any certain way."

I pull his hands from my face, tucking strands of hair behind my ears. When it becomes hard to speak, I play with the ends of my hair out of nervous habit. Anything to keep myself distracted, but nothing distracts me more than Jaron Spilner. Nothing.

"Like you..." I don't want to say it.

"Like what?" His voice comes out soft and meaningful, with just enough demand to make it happen.

I should slap him for being so naive. For making me say it out loud. "Like you actually... care."

He stares at me peculiarly then without warning the soft heat from his lips press against my mouth in such a force I'm surprised the ride doesn't explode from the sparks pouring out between us. His lips move against mine slowly, mesmerizing me. Caressing me in a way that I've never known before.

Resting his forehead against mine, he stops our kiss far too soon, leaving me breathless and weak, to the point I can’t even keep my eyes open. There are no words to explain the power I felt between us. All I know is I want more of it, and I never want it to end.

"Don't ever question how much I care for you ever again."

The ride stops suddenly, rocking our cart. "Next," the conductor hollers. Peaking around Jaron I see that it's our stop. With weakened knees and a light head, I stand up and make my way off the ride, Jaron mere inches behind me. I can feel the heat of his body against mine, soaking into me.

Stepping from the ride, he grabs my hand and twirls me into him. Our eyes meet as I patiently wait for our mouths to collide once more, but they don't seem to be magnetized in the way I had thought because Jaron doesn’t pull that close to me again. Instead he stares at me, eye to eye, like he's reading some kind of book.

"I loved you the moment I saw you, Ravyn. Every second after that I've learned how to
fall
in love with you. You're so much more special than you'll ever know, and you're definitely more deserving than the love I can give you."

"I think that's up for me to decide," I tell him in a demanding voice. I can sense what he is doing. He is confessing his love to me and taking it all right back. Nothing has ever been more of a tease. I have the one thing I've been craving the most directly in front of me, and I'm being told I can't have it seconds after I got the first taste.

Everything is only making me feel ill. My stomach twists at the thought of not being able to call Jaron mine. To have him slip from my hands that easily. What is it about me that makes him want to walk away before we even have a chance?

For a quick moment I swear Jaron is the one about to break a few tears but after a couple blinks, he looks at me with eyes so steel cold that I'm not even sure I'm looking at the same person. "It's not that easy," he answers with a voice as equally solid.

"Of course it's not easy. Nothing in life is easy, that is what makes it so damn special. If it were easy, I'd have been in Texas years ago, or I'd have my dad back, or I would... actually have you." My rage pours out of me, finally telling him what I think. This time without the tears. "It's not supposed to be easy, it's just supposed to be worth it, dammit."

Of all the audacity, Jaron actually smirks when I yell at him. "See, this is one of the things that made me fall for you. You're willingness to suffer for years all for a moment of happiness. I can't do that to you though, I can't hurt you like that."

"You
are
hurting me."

He doesn't agree, but he doesn't disagree either. We both know the truth. After a moment he says, "Nothing is that simple. I'm… I’m sorry." His voice sounds sincere, and maybe,
just maybe,
he means it, but it hurts all the same.

"If you were sorry, you'd be honest with me. I've told you my secrets, my fears, my life, and you're holding everything back. That is, except your feelings, which you're denying me of!" Turning on my heels I start to march off but Jaron doesn't let me get too far.

"We can talk," he says loud enough to grab my attention. I pause, waiting to see if he has anything more to add. When he doesn't, I cautiously turn back to face him. He looks restless. Maybe even afraid. "If you want. I will tell you. You're going to hate me, you're going to wish this all away, but I'll let you in."

Biting down on my lip I think it over. Do I honestly
want
to know his secrets? They seem bad. If they weren't so horrible, he'd have told me by now. Right? This is my opportunity to know the real Jaron Spilner, and dammit if I'll let that opportunity slip through my hands.

Nodding my head slowly, I make a few steps towards him. "Tell me, Jaron. I want to know."

Grabbing my hand he laces his fingers through mine, giving it a tight squeeze before pressing his lips to the back of my hand. He stares directly at me the entire time, begging me with his eyes not to force it out of him but I don't open my mouth. I may not
want
this, but I
need
it. It's not that he owes it to me, it's that I owe it to myself. If they're really that bad, this will tell me if my feelings for Jaron are strong enough to fit his demons as well as mine.