I've Had It Up to Here with Teenagers

TEENAGERS

A
LSO BY
M
ELINDA
R
AINEY
T
HOMPSON

SWAG: Southern Women Aging Gracefully
The SWAG Life
I Love You—Now Hush
(with Morgan Murphy)

MELINDA RAINEY THOMPSON

J
OHN
F. B
LAIR
PUBLISHER

Winston-Salem, North Carolina

Published by

J
OHN
F. B
LAIR

PUBLISHER

1406 Plaza Drive
Winston-Salem, North Carolina 27103
www.blairpub.com

Copyright © 2012 by Melinda Rainey Thompson
All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or
portions thereof in any form whatsoever.
For information address
John F. Blair, Publisher, Subsidiary Rights Department,
1406 Plaza Drive, Winston-Salem, North Carolina 27103.

C
OVER
I
MAGE

© H. ARMSTRONG ROBERTS/C
LASSIC
S
TOCK
/C
ORBIS

Cover design by Brooke Csuka
Interior by Debra Long Hampton and Morgan Hawk

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Thompson, Melinda Rainey, 1963-
  I've had it up to here with teenagers / by Melinda Rainey Thompson.
        p.         cm.
  ISBN 978-0-89587-569-3 (alk. paper) — ISBN 978-0-89587-570-9 (ebook) 1.
Parent and teenager—Humor. I. Title.
  PN6231.P2T47 2012
  306.87402'07—dc23

2011042558

10  9  8  7  6  5  4  3  2  1

To my three teenagers:
Warner, Nat, and Lily
.

I love you more than my next breath.

A Letter from the Author

LIFE LESSONS

What's with the Attitude?

The Not-So-Sweet Sounds of Teen 'Tude

Do I Have to Pay for That?

Yours, Mine, and Ours

Curfew Conundrums

Sorry I'm Late

Have You Considered the Consequences?

Choices, Choices, Choices

Where Did You Get That Idea?

You Can't Believe Everything You Hear …

THE COMFORTS OF HOME

Laundry Laments

You Can't Teach Teenagers …

Don't Look under the Bed

Things I Have Found in My Teenagers' Rooms

What's for Dinner?

Things Teens Say That Enrage the Cook

TEENS ON THE LOOSE

Where Are You Going Dressed Like That?

Clothing Complaints

Can I Drive?

Straight from the Mouths of Teenage Drivers

Who Are You Talking To?

www.Teenager

Leave a Light On, Please

The Mom Chaperon

The Rebuttal by Warner Thompson

Acknowledgments

Dear Reader,

Writing books is the most fun job in the world. No question about it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my books. As long as you continue to read, I get to keep writing.

Is there anything I can get you, by the way? I really am very grateful.

The most important job I'll ever do in my life is to rear my children well. So far, they're turning out nicely. They're good kids. I like them. Other people do, too. I love them with a depth and breadth that frightens me sometimes. They're no trouble for anyone but me. That's the truth. It is also true that they make me absolutely nuts on a fairly regular basis.

Because I am a mean mama, not one of those sweet mamas, I thought long and hard before writing this book. I knew that if I ever decided to “go there,” it wouldn't be pretty. I write humorous essays. That means I use stories from my real life. I don't get out that much. The humor in my books has always been at my expense, no one else's. This time, the humor is a little bit at my teenagers'
expense, too. It is possible that I enjoyed writing this book a little too much. For months, when people asked my kids, “Is your mom writing another book?” they answered, “Yeah, she's writing a
revenge
book about teenagers.” This response was accompanied by a teenage eye roll, of course.

I'm not sure what my teenagers are going to think when this book hits the shelves. I gave each of them the opportunity to read the manuscript beforehand and the option to remove anything they found particularly embarrassing, but mostly they were too busy to bother. They may live to regret that. My older son asked to write a rebuttal, which appears at the end of the book. That seemed fair to me. After all, I got to go first.

I hope that you enjoy reading about my very ordinary life. Every day offers moments of joy and sorrow. I bet my life is a lot like yours. Laughing at my highs and lows is sure to make you feel better about your own parenting. I guarantee it. We're all in this together, you know.

As always, I hope you find your life in these pages and laugh out loud. That's why I wrote this book.

All best wishes,

Melinda Rainey Thompson

 

T
eenagers know everything. If you are unaware of this well-known fact, then I can only assume you do not currently live with, nor have you ever lived with, anyone between the ages of thirteen and nineteen. In teenagers' minds, their omniscience is a given. On teenager Fantasy Island, the converse is also true. Grownups know nothing at all. According to kids, we're all dumb as dirt. This premise is well established in households throughout the country and, for all I know, the world. I've heard we parents smarten up again when our kids hit their early twenties. I look forward to that. It'll be a nice change to have my wise counsel occasionally appreciated. These days, I receive eye rolls, deep sighs, and dramatic protests in return for my you-better-listen-to-what-I'm-telling-you-because-you're-going-to-need-this-information-later sermons.

In their minds, no one else has ever been a teenager before in
the history of the world, so we cannot possibly understand the intricate complexities of their social lives. We know-nothing parents couldn't possibly have had similar problems or experiences when we were young. I am not sure our kids are convinced we were ever actually their age. They simply can't imagine it. It's beyond their ken. I suppose they think we were born old, fat, wrinkled, farsighted, and boring. Certainly, they can't imagine us dating. At the most, my kids may see the rare peck on the lips between my husband and me. (Who has the time, energy, or privacy for more than that? Tell the truth: if you have an extra hour and a kid-free house, which do you pick, a nap or a romantic interlude? Nap, right?) Their reaction is to close their eyes and say, “Gross!” Apparently, any public display of affection between people over the age of forty makes teenagers physically ill. It's just another way they make the grownups in their lives feel special.

I have watched the thoughts flitter across my teens' expressive faces on more than one occasion and read the message loud and clear: my teenagers think I am too stupid to live. That's not true. I'm not stupid, by God, and I have the degrees to prove it. It irritates me to no end to be condescended to by teenagers. When my daughter had the gall to say to me out loud one day, “What do you know about it?” in the middle of a heated discussion about boys and girls and the birds and the bees, my answer flew out of my mouth without a second's hesitation: “I know
plenty
, missy!” Then I stalked out of the room in a huff, just like a teenage girl (which I used to be, contrary to popular belief).

If I had to pick the one thing that annoys me most about living with teenagers—which I admit would be hard to do because the competition for that slot is tough and varies from day to day, depending upon who or what has set me off most recently—I would
have to say that it is the classic teenage attitude toward … everything. Sometimes, it's not so much the words they choose; it's the tone in which they mutter those words under their breath. Most teenagers are too cool for school. The cockiness is usually not even a millimeter thick, of course. They can be brought down to earth in seconds with a few well-chosen words. Whoever said, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” didn't have my vocabulary.

Even the most personable teenagers rarely allow themselves to display the excitement they revealed all the time as children. It's as if they've all taken some kind of pledge.

1.
Don't show too much excitement, no matter how tempted you are to rave over something. An overt display of excitement gives grownups a big head.

2.
Even if you are okay with a plan suggested by a grownup, complain about it. It's just good form.

3.
Even if you still occasionally enjoy going places or doing things with your parents, don't tell them. They don't need to know everything. They just think they do.

4.
Avoid sitting with your parents in public settings, even if you have to sit alone. Too much voluntary interaction between the generations is creepy.

5.
Never do something the first time your parents ask. It makes you look overeager.

6.
Keep communication with your parents to the bare
minimum. Respond primarily with indistinguishable grunts and monosyllables.

7.
Initiate chatty conversations with your parents only if you want something from them. Otherwise, it just gets their hopes up for more.

8.
Listen selectively to instructions from grownups. That way, you can always plead ignorance later.