Jaded (WTF? Series Book 1) (5 page)

Okay, now that you've come to the conclusion of this novella, I need to know how you
feel
about it - don't hold back, please! I want it right from the gut.

Do any of you feel like saying, "What the fuck?"

Do any of you feel like posting a review and titling it, "What the fuck did I just read?"

Do any of you feel like tossing your e-readers?

Do any of you feel that this was a prequel?

If you've answered "yes" to the first three of the questions listed above, then I have
succeeded
in what I set out to do with this story!               (If you answered "yes" to the fourth question relative to a "prequel"-- no, this was not intended to be that.

This novella was supposed to be a complete story. It was supposed to leave the reader with questions, and provoke their own theories as to just exactly what went down over that Christmas holiday vacation with the various characters.

Now for those of you that did not have any questions, but simply read it, liked it or didn't like it, but
understood
that it was a "mind-fuck" kind of story then I succeeded there as well. Because that's what I wanted it to be, you see.

And for those who either thought, murmured, or shouted, "What the Fuck?" Ergo the WTF? Series label I've given it!

However, having said the above I can certainly understand the need for
closure
.

I guess I need it as well.

When I originally wrote this story, I had absolutely no clue as to how I would've ended this story if I ever chose to do so. Having given it some thought over the past few months, it finally came to me as to how this played out for Jade, Hayden and Adam.

So, if it's closure that you must have, then closure I will give you. One more chapter--that is all.

And it’s from Hayden's POV…                                     

Hayden's POV- Final Epilogue

             
I realize that you probably can't connect with me; that through Jade's eyes you see me as a cold and aloof man--a dispassionate person who only regards Jade as a possession. Someone who is used to getting what he wants, at any cost.

              You're only partially correct.

              I am a man who knows what he wants, and goes after it until it's mine, no argument there. But that's not to say that I don't
appreciate
what is mine, and that I don't take proper care of my possessions, because that is not accurate.

              I don't regard Jade as a possession; people can't be owned, we all know that, but she is mine and I do see to her needs as best I can.

              Do I love Jade?

              Love is such a fleeting emotion
,
and
,
despite those that will tell you differently, it isn't a static one, but rather a very dynamic one. As one experiences life and maturity, it is only natural that one's perspective of love transitions as well. And despite what you’ve been told, love is
not
unconditional. Anyone who insists that it is, well, they're full of shit.

              Let’s just say that I appreciate Jade very much. I respect her as a human being. And, most importantly, I am grateful for Jade. It is not all about my needs or my pleasures or my agenda as you might be inclined to believe. Her happiness and contentment are paramount to me. Every bit as much as my wife's needs are important to me. No--that’s not true. Jade’s happiness is more important to me than my wife’s and I think it’s because of the fact that she is the polar opposite of Emily.

Jade is most likely the woman I would’ve wooed, romanced and taken to be my wife had I have had a choice in the matter. But that’s not how things happen within the East Coast aristocracy that still exists.

              So, you see, I don't take her for granted. We've been together long enough that I can sense when things are troubling her. Not that she is one to complain, because that simply isn't her style. Jade is appreciative of me, and sometimes I wonder how that can possibly be.

              I'm a man who is not only keenly aware of, but has also ultimately come to terms with my emotional deficiencies and lack of affection when it comes to other human beings.

              Maybe it's a result of having been born and raised in a family of wealth, where feelings were locked inside stone fortresses, and expression was not welcomed or appreciated.

              As the oldest of two, my brother, Landon, being ten years younger than myself, I had received a decade's worth of instruction and reinforcement of exactly what my parents' expectations were for me before he had even arrived on the scene.

              By the time he did,  my parents were satisfied that I was well on my way to success, and it became obvious that I was the designated heir apparent, so Landon was off the hook. His formative years were less complicated as a result and, from all indications, much happier.

              I can't complain. I've lived a life of wealth and opportunity, and those ideals and ethics ingrained in me at an early age, served to get me where I am today.

              My brother Landon?

              Yeah, he plays a lot of golf, takes family vacations and lives a much simpler life than I do. But that has more to do with birth order and less to do with choice.

              Getting back to Jade, I understand what life has dealt her and it had been cruel. No matter how beautiful she is, in her own mind, it will never be enough. She's not so different than me in that respect. She's living out her mother's hopes and dreams for her--all well-meant of course, but not of her choosing.

              Jade has settled, the same way that I have settled. But the thing is, I care enough for her and about her that I will do whatever I need to do to ensure that she's happy and content.

              That means I not only have had to read between the lines of what she says to me, but I also have to dissect the unsaid, which is no easy task with her. She's simply not one to complain, or to appear ungrateful or unfulfilled. She doesn't play it that way, and never has.

              So, now we get to the crux of my story. Nearly a year ago, I had sensed a subtle change in Jade's demeanor. Though she never verbalized it, her body language and her avoidance of discussing it had been my biggest clue.

              And then there had been the secret computer she had purchased.

              Yeah, that had been the most obvious signal of her detachment and discontentment. She knew that there was no reason why she had to purchase anything secretly; all she had to do was buy it, and I paid the monthly credit card bill.

              So obviously, there had been a reason why she made this particular purchase covertly. She must've purchased it from cash withdrawals made a little bit at a time. She knew damn well I would've questioned large cash withdrawals, because that is simply my nature.

              I concluded that she must have had something she felt compelled to hide from me.

              Oh, she had no clue that I knew about it, but part of my obsession with Jade had been to make sure I was always aware of what she was doing when I wasn't around.

              I had inadvertently rifled through her bedside drawer one morning while she was in the shower, looking for nail clippers when I discovered the wireless hot spot. Since she had consistently refused my offer of a home computer, I found it odd.

              The only electronics Jade owned were her smart phone and her e-reader, both of which were covered on my cell phone plan. Why then did she require a separate hot spot?

              I had powered the device only to discover she had used 2 GB's of a 6 GB monthly plan. A plan she apparently had been paying in cash on her own.

              Two days later, while Jade and I were out to dinner, one of my associates combed through her condo and discovered the secret laptop.

              Within a day, I was tracking her Internet movements and quickly discovered that my instincts had been on target. Jade was restless, lonely, and unfulfilled in some incomprehensible way.

              She had been visiting some on-line chat room called "Owners of a Lonely Heart." Looking for something, or maybe someone to make her life complete.

              Of course, I had been dismayed at the idea of losing her, and it became apparent to me that I must somehow find a way to fill whatever void in her life had prompted this erratic behavior.

              That is when I assumed the identity of "Adam."

              Yes, I am
Adam
. The not quite thirty investment counselor at some bogus firm in Chicago living the dream of Corporate America, and being too focused on his career and the stray dog he's adopted to cultivate a relationship outside of an Internet chat room with Pressley Patterson, Jade’s pseudonym or alter ego, the latter being a more accurate description.

              Pathetic?

              It depends.

              Are you referring to me or to Adam?

              I saw no harm in creating this persona, or alter ego if you prefer, in order to keep Jade company when her married lover could not. And yes, it was no surprise that in Jade’s description of said lover, he came across as ambivalent and detached, and emotionally inattentive.

              I actually found myself looking forward to our secret Internet trysts. It offered me the rare opportunity of getting inside her head, and with Adam, it became obviously apparent that she had no reservations about sharing her innermost thoughts and feelings.

              And dreams. I became almost jealous of Adam in that respect, as ridiculous as it sounds because, obviously, I was him, but still the fact that she opened up so much to a stranger was puzzling.

              Had I always been so distant and aloof with her that she felt always on guard? Was I unapproachable? I thought back and realized that I had never encouraged her to open up about anything. I had never even entertained the notion that she may have insecurities or cause for concern where our relationship was concerned. I learned so much more about the woman I’d been involved with for more than three years as a stranger than as the active participant in the relationship. How sad and pathetic is that?

              I can only blame myself. But there’s time for that later, I suppose. Some of the things I learned have given me cause for concern.

              You see, during some of these chats Pressley confided to Adam that she had dreams of marriage, maybe even having a child or two. She talked of breaking things off with Hayden, not only because she knew she would never have either of those things with him, but also because of people getting hurt and the wrongness of how she lived. It clearly tormented her and, again, she had never shown any outward signs of this to me.

              Adam simply listened and consoled, never judging but being punished nonetheless by her words that were the sad truth that she couldn't--or wouldn't share with her lover.

              I had printed out the chat conversations between her and Adam, and I had studied them again and again, allowing her emotions to sweep over me until finally I knew what had to be done.

              I couldn't lose Jade. I loved her. But I'd never told her that because it was something I didn't do; I never had. Not with any woman, not even my wife, and until I became involved with Jade, I had held no certainty that love was an emotion that I would ever allow myself to feel.

But it couldn’t be helped.

The heart wants what the heart wants and, yes, I know how pathetically trite and overused that sounds. I have no other way of explaining it though.

              It wasn't because I couldn't say the words--that was the easy part; it was because, up until this point, I had never felt like saying them. Not until the reality hit me that Jade might leave, that I could very well lose her, and that if that happened, I would have no one to blame other than myself.

              My marriage was a business venture; a joining of portfolios if you will. Emily and I both understood that going into it because our families had been adamant that it was a merger made in heaven. Emily's family was old money. Her great-grandfather had been an entrepreneur, migrating to the U.S. through Ellis Island during the tail end of the second Industrial Revolution. He had held patents on seven different machine tools, which had brought millions to the family coffers post World War I.

              So, yes, money had been the driving force of our marriage, but that was the same impetus for my parents' marriage and her parents' marriage. It's not a unique thing among families of wealth on the East Coast.

              And up until the day I had first seen Jade, I honestly hadn’t strayed from my vows. There had been no reason to do so. Emily met my needs, and though I suspected that she had strayed a time or two during our years together, I hadn’t been particularly bothered by it because she was discreet. And let’s face it, I wasn’t oblivious to the fact that she had emotional needs that weren’t being met. I knew that but, hell, I believed it was simply a female characteristic: the need for intimacy, closeness, and attentiveness. That had been my own short-sightedness, my male macho perspective I guess.

              Eventually, I learned that those human needs are not restricted only to females, the only difference being that man are reluctant to admit that they have the same need for emotional fulfillment. Yeah, I guess Jade put me in touch with my feminine side. That’s about as humorous as I get, just so you know.

              Okay, so now I’m just stalling because what comes next I’m sure that you will think is despicable of me, but rewind. Remember the two most important things you’ve learned so far about me:

I’m a man who gets what he wants, and I keep what I have.

• Jade is precious to me. I won’t let her go, nor will I allow her to be unfulfilled or unhappy.
  

So, having said that, and with all I’ve learned about Jade through the many cyber chats between Pressley and Adam in “Owner’s of a Lonely Heart,” I set out to make sure that her needs were going to be met. Anything is possible when you love and treasure another human being.

I couldn’t give her marriage. Clearly, that is out of the question for the reasons stated above. But perhaps I could help with the other dream she spoke about; she wanted to be a mother.

I had a vasectomy after the birth of our last child, Simone. Having a reversal isn’t an option--not one that I even entertained. But there was another way.

Being the person that I am and, yes, controlling adequately describes it best, I am very much in tune with Jade’s cycles. I also knew who I could approach, with nothing less than a hefty bribe and a full disclosure tossed in for good measure to get the job done.

My oldest son, Aaron, and I have been estranged for several years. The reason for the estrangement is not important. Strike that, yes, it is important in a way I suppose. You see, Aaron is the product of an…indiscretion I had prior to my marriage to Emily. We had been engaged for more than a year, and I was finishing up my Master’s degree at Stanford. We were at opposite sides of the country, and I carried on a short term affair with a fellow student named Caroline.