Jagger: A Caldwell Brothers Novel (8 page)

I didn’t sleep for shit. I couldn’t sleep with the thought that she was alone. I grab my phone and call her, knowing damn well I shouldn’t. Hell, if this shit goes badly, Johnny could have me arrested for aiding and abetting.

She answers, not saying shit. Good girl.

“Did you sleep well?”

“I think so.” Her sleepy voice is sexy as hell, and my morning wood gets even harder to ignore.

I jump out of bed and make my way across Hendrix’s place to the bathroom to take a piss.

I hear her giggle.

“What’s so funny?”

“You’re peeing.” She giggles again.

“My dick’s nothing to laugh about, little one,” I say as I shake it off and then wash my hands.

“Good touch,” she whispers, flirting with me.

Damn,
I think to myself, and a moan escapes my mouth. She mimics my sound, and I nearly lose my mind.

“I want good touch,” she whispers to me, “from you.”

“Fuck,” I say, shaking my head.

She sighs.

“Listen, that’s not what you and I are all about, you feel me?”

“Oh,” she says in a sad voice that makes my chest ache.

“What I mean is that—”

“I understand,” she says softly.

“No, I don’t think you do. It was never my intention to be nice to you so I could get into your panties. I wanted to make you safe, keep you safe. Shit went wrong after the fight that first night. I stepped over some lines, and I don’t want you to think that’s what this is about. I can get my dick wet anywhere, you understand?”

The phone goes dead, and I am left in shock.

Fuck that.

I dial her back, and she doesn’t say shit again when she accepts the call.

“Don’t fucking hang up on me, you understand?”

“Don’t yell at me,
you
understand?”

I hear drawers slamming. “Stop whatever the fuck it is you’re doing and listen to me!”

“Why don’t you go give whoever it is you want some of that good touch, Jagger Caldwell, and leave me alone. Maybe I could go see my friend and let him take care of me until I can go home and—”

“Over his dead body,” I growl.

“The saying is over
my
dead body,” she says in a pissy little tone that hits me right in the junk.

“Not in this fucking situation. You go to him, Tatiana Rand, and I swear it’ll be over his.”

During the silence that stretches between us, I remain pissed off about her saying that shit about Cobra.

“Then you better not touch anyone else, either,” she says quietly.

I can’t help smiling, wishing I could see her asserting herself the way she is. “Don’t you worry about what I do.”

“Then you should probably not worry about what
I
do.”

“Impossible,” comes out of my mouth before I can even think straight.

Silence again.

“You there?” I ask.

“Yes,” she says on a sigh.

“What are you thinking about?”

“You. I’m thinking about you and the way you make me feel. I’ve never felt like this before, Jagger, so you either just step away and let me deal with the mess I have created, or you tell me it’s okay that I feel as jealous over what you just said about…touching someone else as you seem to feel when I mention his name.”

“I don’t want you to feel any way about me, Tatiana, except that you trust me to help you. I also should mention I did say I could get my dick wet anywhere, but I never said I was gonna. You also need to know that, as much as I don’t want you feeling any way about me, I sure as hell can’t turn off what I feel about you. So…” I sigh and shake my head.

“So…” She sighs back.

A couple minutes go by with neither of us saying anything.

“You still there?” I ask.

“Uh-huh,” she says, sounding like she’s crying.

“Damn, little one, don’t cry.”

“I—” She stops. “I’ve never felt the way I do about you.”

“You’ll be running toward something better than me someday. There just hasn’t been anyone else yet, but there will be.”

“There has been someone else. Cobra was very nice to me, and guess what? I felt nothing for him other than friendship. Nothing.”

“It’s a good damn thing. I’d kill him.”

She laughs, and damn if it isn’t the sweetest sound I ever heard.

“I’m not coming within a mile of you until you’re eighteen or until you decide how bad I would be for you.”

“Someone’s at the door.” She sounds nervous as hell, and I am feeling that way too.

“Go look out the peephole and tell me what you see.”

I hear her feet pad across the floor. “It’s a woman with a bag.”

“Keep the chain latched and open it.”

She does, and I hear Livi’s voice. “Hi, Tatiana. I’m Livi Caldwell, Jagger’s sister.”

“Open it up, little one. She’s one of the good guys.”

“He says open the door,” she says to Livi.

“I’ll wait,” Livi says in the background.

“Two more days and we should be all set and ready to get you living the way you deserve to be,” I tell her.

“I hope she likes me,” Tatiana whispers.

“She will. I’ll call you tonight, okay?”

“Okay,” she says, then hangs up.

I head to the kitchen and make a shake. I couldn’t eat if I wanted to right now, but there is no way I am going to lose what I have been working so hard to gain. It’s not just the strength or the weight, though. I need to know I can protect her always, especially with Cobra hot on her heels. Cat and mouse, fuck that!

While slamming down the shake, my phone rings, showing Shaw’s number.

“What’s up, old man?” I answer, keeping it light, especially now with death looming over his head.

“Meet me at the hospital. The ambulance just took Shaw in.” I hear Kid’s voice break. “It’s not good, man, not good at all.”

“On my way.” I head up and run in my room to grab my clothes. This can’t be it. I can’t lose someone else.

While I’m throwing them on, Hendrix peeks in.

“You okay?”

“Fuck no, I’m not okay!” I yell, then break. My knees hit the floor, and I scream out in rage as my fists pound against the wood over and over again.

Hendrix grabs me from behind and jacks my arms back. “What the fuck is going on? Is it the girl? Livi is with her, so spill it, goddamn you!”

“It’s Shaw.” I pull my arms away. “He’s dying. Got cancer.”

“Aw, fuck, Jagger.” He releases my arms.

I slap away the tears I feel heating up my skin and jump up. “I gotta go. He just got taken to the hospital.”

“I’ll drive you. Let’s go.”

I sit next to Shaw, holding the old man’s hand, while Kid sits on the other side, doing the same. Hendrix steps out to call Livi and let her know what is going on when the doctor walks in.

Kid and I both stand as she grabs Shaw’s chart from the end of his bed. She makes her way over to the machine, hits a few buttons, writes some shit down, and then walks back to the foot of the bed and looks at us.

“Mr. Shaw has a DNR.” She looks at Kid. “You failed to let the EMTs know that.”

His eyes narrow as he shrugs.

She looks at me. “You are his healthcare proxy, Mr. Caldwell.”

“I’m what?”

“It means you make the choices here as to what happens, but by him signing the DNR four months ago, it’s not up to you. If he codes again, we can’t bring him back. If you two”—she looks between us—“have issues with that, I am going to have to ask you to leave.”

“They won’t have an issue,” Hendrix says as he walks in, shoving his phone in his pocket. “They may look like a couple of badasses who would put up a fight, but they are loyal to the old man.” She seems to relax a bit, and he reaches out his hand. “Hendrix Caldwell.”

She smiles and shakes his hand. “I knew the Caldwell name was familiar, but Hendrix is unforgettable. Your wife is a social worker. Olivia, right?”

“Yeah.” He nods and smiles.

“Good.” She looks back. “He doesn’t want to suffer, and he doesn’t want the two of you to, either. We will make him as comfortable as possible.”

An hour later, I can’t fight the sickness in my stomach anymore. I hate hospitals, the smell, the sounds of the machines, the fucking uncomfortable chairs.

“I’m gonna step out. You want coffee?”

Kid shakes his head. “Take your time. When you get back, I’ll take a walk too.”

I lean down and kiss the old man’s head. “Not ready to let you go, champ. You’re like a father to me, better than any man I ever knew. Fuck, Shaw, I love you, man.”

Half an hour later, I am waving goodbye to Hendrix. I told him I would run back to the waterfront, and he knows I need to let off steam.

When I walk back in the hospital room, I hear a familiar sound, and I run in.

Kid is on his knees next to Shaw’s bed, and I hear him sniffling. I look up as the nurses and the doc come rushing in.

I push past them and hold his hand while he takes his last breath.

“Hi,” I say shyly, opening the door for Olivia Caldwell.

She smiles big at me from behind her glasses. She has this ease about her that soothes me.

Olivia moves to the sitting area and drops shopping bags on the couch. “All right, girlie, it’s time to have some fun!” Her excitement bubbles over, and she snorts, making me cover my mouth to hide my own laugh. “I don’t know what you like, but Jagger gave me sizes from what he’s been getting you, and I got a little variety. I can take back whatever you don’t like.”

I pause, taking in the moment. For the first time in my entire life, a female bought me clothes. I have never had anything purchased for me by a woman. A lot of my stuff actually came from evicted tenants when we seized their contents after they got served or the people who moved on and just left their junk behind. I taught myself to sew by hand with a small sewing kit enough to repair the worn hand-me-downs.

My life feels like I am on a crazy merry-go-round. I am spinning and spinning. Will it ever stop? When I step off and into the real world, what happens next? My father is dead. I am hiding in a hotel room, trusting that I didn’t kill the man who gave me life, based on the word of a man I barely know. Suddenly everything is blurry, and the room is spinning.

I sit on the couch and drop my head to my hands.

“Tatiana?” Olivia says softly.

I look up at her, feeling like a child.

Jagger hates my father. Would he tell me the truth about his death? I haven’t had much in life, but everything I did have up until six months ago, literally everything, was provided by him. Now he is gone, and I probably did it.

“This is supposed to be fun, not sad.” She rubs her butt, and I am curious if she has an itch. “Be in the moment.”

I raise an eyebrow at her in question.

“I don’t know all your problems, but I do know you mean something to Jagger. For Caldwells, everything is about family.” She starts to rub her butt again, then stops herself, biting her bottom lip. “Be in the moment. Right now, let go of everything going on in your head and let’s have girl time. We don’t know each other, but I hope, by the end of the day, we do.”

And that is when my day with Livi starts. She is a firecracker, full of energy. Even with her little baby bump, she doesn’t slow down.

I try on so many outfits I can’t remember which bottoms go with which tops to over half of them. She giggles and snorts when we come to the final bag.

“Tatiana, I should tell you something.”

“Okay,” I say cautiously.

“I love panties!” she squeals, her energy infectious. The time with her has allowed me not to think of the future or the past, but to be in the moment.

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re crazy?”

Heat flashes in her eyes. “Hendrix does all the time.”

We both laugh. Then I pause. When was the last time I laughed before Jagger? Emotions flood me. I can’t remember a single time I have laughed with my father. Livi has spent hours here, talking about the Caldwell family and her family with her mother and half-brothers as well as her father, who is recovering. She has all these people around her, and she laughs freely, yet I haven’t ever laughed with the only family I have—correction: had.

It’s all gone. The time is gone. It can’t be given back. Time cannot be erased, and the past cannot be changed.

My mother died protecting me. My father died at the hands of me.

Standing, I rush to the bathroom, where I throw up. Livi stands in the doorway as I try to fight back the dry heaves. Then she comes over and wets a washcloth and begins soothing me by wiping my face.

“Wanna talk about it?”

“I killed my father. I’ve never laughed until Caldwell’s. I don’t know what family is,” I start rambling all my secrets. “I have pretended not to speak English to avoid the truth. I will probably get sent back to my country, a place I haven’t been to since I was in diapers.”

“Slow down, sister.”

“Sister,” I whisper. “I’ve never had one of those. I’ve never had anyone.”

“Well, you have the Caldwells now. There aren’t a lot of us, but we are growing every day.” She rubs her belly for emphasis and smiles. “You aren’t alone, Tatiana. You also didn’t kill your father. I don’t know what happened, but I do know the Caldwell brothers. There’s no way Jagger would have me here”—she jabs her thumb at her chest—“if you”—she points to me—“killed anyone. Heck, there is no way he would have me over here if you even killed a bug.”

I give her a half-smile.

“Get cleaned up. It’s time to talk about one of my favorite things…panties!” She smiles, and I can see in her eyes she genuinely cares for me.

She exits the bathroom to give me privacy.

Is that how real families are? Easy acceptance? I’ve read about unconditional love, yet never thought it could be real. I don’t know what love is, but I do know that, in the last six months, Jagger Caldwell has cared more for me than anyone in my entire life. I don’t know how to describe what I feel for him. Just thinking about him has me tied in knots. I crave his time, attention, and touch.

I clean up and head back out to find that Livi has spread out all sorts of panties on the bed. They are different cuts, different colors, and some even have words!

She holds up a pair, and I read the letters on the backside:
Be in the Moment
. She tosses them to me.

“Today’s special.” She laughs, but I don’t get the joke. “I use my panties for empowerment. The sayings help me remember good things and stay motivated to move forward in the tough times.”

Holding the fabric in my hand, I get it, so I smile at her. Then I go over and look at the wide array of undergarments: lace bras, silk panties, boy shorts, bikini cuts, and thongs…oh my. I feel like Victoria’s Secret may have vomited the spring catalog on my bed. I have seen the ads when I’ve been online for school. Vicki doesn’t keep much a secret.

“Livi, is all of this really necessary?”

“Totally! It’s not about what you wear, Tatiana. It’s how it makes you feel. The pieces closest to your naked body are your bras and panties, so they’ve gotta make you feel good from the beginning. If you have on uncomfortable”—she gasps—“or ugly panties, you won’t feel good, even in a designer dress. Confidence starts from the inside and finds its way out. What’s underneath always matters more than the exterior of anything. Panties are crucial.”

“Well, okay, then.” I want to add,
if you say so,
but I don’t. What she says makes sense, even if it sounds crazy. I’m beginning to understand that is simply Olivia Caldwell. I have never cared about clothes before or my undergarments as long as they were clean. Really, it’s not like anyone was going to see me.

After going over them, she helps me pick out my outfit for my birthday and tells me Jagger will be here to celebrate with me. Apparently someone close to him passed away, so he can’t come see me any sooner.

My chest literally aches for him. I want to be there to comfort him. I want to know who he lost. I want to know everything and anything about the man who has given me so much.

Olivia stays for dinner and dessert, during which she opens up and tells me about some of her own secrets. It has been nice not to spend my entire day alone.

One more night, and then it’s my birthday. My birthday, on which I will finally see Jagger again.

I settle into bed after soaking in a bath. The silk material of my new nightgown feels like heaven as I wiggle my toes in my slippers. I don’t have to hide them anymore, and I don’t have to sleep in them, but somehow I do at the same time. They have been my piece of Jagger with me every night for all these months. If he can’t be here, then these are the next best thing.

When the champion song echoes from the nightstand, I pick up the phone and smile on seeing
Champion
flashing on the screen with a picture of Jagger.

“Hello,” I answer.

“Totty,” he greets. “How was your day?”

“Interesting. I’m sorry for your loss,” I begin and Jagger stops me.

“Don’t wanna talk about that tonight, little one. Did you have fun with Livi?”

I want him to feel like he can talk to me. I don’t want to push and I don’t want to make him sad. For now, I will give him the distraction he seems to be seeking. “She’s crazy!” I laugh. “But in a good way,” I start to explain.

“Trust me, I know. She’s the best, isn’t she?” His admiration is evident in his tone.

“
You’re
the best, Jagger Caldwell.”

“I’m just a guy who had a momma teach him right, Totty.”

“Thank you,” I whisper.

“For what?”

“Everything.”

“Thank Momma Caldwell. I’m her legacy.”

His tattoo immediately dances in my mind. “You’re something else, Jagger.”

“Family is everything, Totty. It ain’t about blood. It’s about love and standing together on that.”

“Livi needs panties for that.” I laugh, and he gasps.

“What? I don’t know that I want to hear about my sister-in-law’s panties.”

“Consent is”—I pause, my accent suddenly heavy—“fuckin’ required.”

“What, little one?”

“Livi gave me panties that say ‘Consent Is Fuckin’ Required.’ I think they are my new favorites.”

“What do you know about consent and fucking?”

“I know about good touch and bad touch. I know Livi hasn’t had it easy, and consent wasn’t always given.”

“Oh, hell, you two definitely had a good day together. I don’t know about this conversation, little one.”

“Well, I know that tomorrow is my birthday, and I want you to know…” I pause, not sure if I can say the words. “Consent is fucking given.”