Jailbait (3 page)

He began to shake with rage. “She… HE… didn’t have this… THING… when we…”

“Are you sure, Sal? Did you look closely enough? Or do you take your glasses off before doing the deed?”

“But… I…”

“Don’t feel bad. I was fooled, too. The medical term for it is
chicks with dicks
. But it’s okay. One little payoff, and I’ll make sure this goes away. Forever.”

The old guy’s face was starting to take on a vivid shade of pink. “I’ll make it go away forever. I’ll send my boys to her—his—place and—”

“Bad idea. You’ve been seen in public together. Once the body is found, there will be an autopsy, and the truth will get out—that when you were bumping uglies, you were really sword fighting.”

“They won’t find Tangi’s body.”

“Think it through, Sal. You send a couple of men to whack her, and you don’t think they’ll have a peek at her goodies? Then they’ll know. A much easier solution is five thousand bucks, and it all goes away. Tangi gets her operation, becomes a full-fledged woman, and never bothers you again.”

“She… he… tried to blackmail me. Threatened to tell my wife.”

I resisted the urge to ask if his wife had a johnson of her own. From her looks, I wouldn’t disregard it.

“That’s why I’m giving you the photos. Tangi wants to become an actress. Dreams of being in the movies opposite DeNiro,” I added, noting a framed photo of him on the wall. “She doesn’t want anyone to know she was once a guy, because it would mess up her future career. As long as you don’t say anything, she won’t say anything.”

I watched him mull it over, hoping it appealed to his inner-bastard. Guys who didn’t trust anyone liked deals where they had some leverage.

“Five thousand?” he said, softly.

I smiled. “And you’ll never hear from her, or me, again.”

I rolled off Tangi, sweaty and exhausted. Since her blunt criticism of my lovemaking skills, I’d done a lot of research on pleasuring a woman and had learned a great deal.

I planned to put that new found knowledge to use next time she was awake.

As she snored softly in my bed, I walked naked to my computer and printed up an invoice. Naturally, I didn’t tell her about the five grand Sal gave me. I also didn’t tell her that my private detective rate was $200 an hour. I slipped the bill into her purse, then woke her up and told her it was time to go. She left without taking the three dollars I offered for bus fare.

Incredibly, Tangi never paid me for my services. I didn’t hear one word from her for almost seven months. If I’d been a thoughtful person, perhaps I would have wondered if old Sal reneged on his word and whacked her.

But the fact was, I didn’t give her a second thought until I came home from work one day in the spring and found her breaking-and-entering ass sitting on my couch. Besides the dour expression she wore, she looked pretty good. Packed on a few pounds, though.

Check that. Make it more than a few.

“Couldn’t stay away, huh babe? Want me to toss you one for old times?”

“Harry, we need to talk.”

“About what? The weight you’ve gained? Looks like you’ve been in an extended three-way with Ben and Jerry. But I have to admit, your tits look great.”

She hefted herself onto her feet. “I’m pregnant, you asshole.”

I looked her up and down. Yeah, I supposed that could explain it.

“You’re right. Preggo sex is gross. So… just a blowjob then?”

“It’s yours, Harry.” She patted her protruding belly. “The kid is yours.”

And for the first time in my entire life, I had nothing flippant to say.

“Well, aren’t you going to say anything?”

I took a deep breath and chose my words carefully. “How the hell could you let this happen, you moron?”

“Me?” Her eyes bugged out nearly as much as her waist. “You’re half responsible, you selfish, unbelievable asshole.”

“Weren’t you on anything? The pill? One of those sperm-killing sponges?”

Tangi slapped her hands to her hips and gave me a stare a smart man would consider intimidating.

Too bad she was dealing with me.

“Why is birth control the woman’s responsibility?” she asked. “Why didn’t you wear a condom?”

“Because everyone knows the birth control properties of condoms are an urban legend spread by feminists who don’t want men to ever be happy.” I walked over to my coat closet and pulled the door open.

“Where the hell are you going?” Tangi demanded.

“I’m looking for a coat hanger. I saw a video on YouTube how to fix this.”

“I’m almost eight months pregnant, Harry.”

“You’re right. What the hell was I thinking? I’ll need something bigger than a coat hanger.”

I shut the closet door and turned back to face her. She was still pregnant.

Damn.

“I’m having this baby, Harry.
We’re
having the baby.”

“No,
you’re
having it. I don’t have anything growing inside my body, making me look like the Buddha.”

Tangi cradled her belly, and, son of a bitch, her lower lip began to tremble.

Careful, McGlade. She’s a pickpocket and a thief and a liar. Don’t fall for her tricks.

“I get it,” I said. “You want money. I’m a stand-up guy. I’ll pay for half the medical bills. But I get half the cash when we sell the kid on the black market.”

“I’m not selling this baby. I’m keeping it.”

“We could make a lot of dough, if it’s healthy. Is it healthy? Did you get one of those tests done to see if it’s a retard or has eleven toes? Or has one of those big waterheads? You can’t sell those waterhead babies. You can’t even give them away.”

“Harry…”

“Maybe they could drain the head at the hospital. Stick a little faucet in it or something.”

“Harry… goddamnit…”And then the tears came. Waves of tears, followed by full body sobs.

Being a sensitive guy, I left her alone until she finished. I went into the kitchen and made a sandwich, but in my irritated state, I went too heavy on the mustard, and it seared through my sinuses on the first bite. I ate it anyway. It was expensive mustard, and I didn’t want to waste it.

After a few minutes, Tangi called to me. “Harry?”

“I’m in the kitchen, eating a sandwich,” I answered, mouth full. “There’s none left so you can’t have any.”

“Harry,” her voice wavered. “We really need to talk about this.”

“Nothing to talk about. I’m not Jesus. I can’t multiply one sandwich into two.”

She stopped in the arched doorway leading into the kitchen and peered at me with reddened eyes. “The baby, Harry. We need to talk about the baby.”

“I’m listening,” I said, though it was tough to hear above the crunch of sourdough bread.

She stroked her belly. “I can’t have this baby alone.”

“You won’t be alone. There will be a doctor in there with you, probably some nurses.”

She didn’t say anything. After a moment, she padded out of there.

I opened the refrigerator and made myself a second sandwich, this one without so much mustard. I took a big bite and wandered back into the living room.

Tangi was gone.

During the next twenty-four hours, I thought a lot about what I’d done wrong. I should have followed the “less is more” rule, and gone easy on the mustard. If you slather too much on, it just overpowers everything.

I also thought about Tangi for a little bit.

If there were two people any less suited to having a child, I couldn’t name them. She was a criminal who knew how to bump locks and pick pockets. I was an aging, rich bachelor who didn’t want to get tied down. At least, not to a family. I didn’t mind the occasional kinky stuff.

Having a child wasn’t on my list of things to do before I died. A kid would seriously cramp my style. I wouldn’t even make a good weekend father, because my weekends were spent doing something very important to me: sleeping in then drinking beer.

I certainly couldn’t see having any kind of relationship with Tangi. Not when she gave up the punani so quickly. I mean, jeez, easy much?

Like any new expectant father, I played the “can I murder her and get away with it” scenario in my head for a few minutes, smiling at a few of my more outrageous ideas, like feeding her to wild pigs. (Seriously, Thomas Harris, did you have to go there with
Hannibal
?)

But much as I enjoyed imagining it, murder probably wasn’t very likely.

Needing another perspective on this, I decided to give my sister a call. I used a computer scrambler that ghosted my phone number, because Sis tended not to pick up when she knew the call was from me. I never could figure out why.

“This is Jack Daniels.”

“Jackie! It’s Harry! How’s things?”

Her groan rattled my ear drum. “My back hurts, my feet are swollen, and if I don’t get this kid out of me soon, I’m going to eat my gun.”

Jack also happened to be pregnant.

“Yeah, that’s great,” I said. “But I got a problem and I want your advice.”

“Do you have any chocolate?”

“What?”

“Phin isn’t answering his cell, and I’m too fat to fit behind the wheel of my car. I need chocolate.”

I swear I could hear her drool. “I’m in the city, Sis. You’re in the suburbs. How am I supposed to…”

“I’m hanging up. And I hate it when you call me Sis.”

Christ, were all pregnant women this psycho? Why weren’t they clearly marked with warning labels, like poison or high voltage lines?

“Hold on, let me think.” I rubbed my forehead. “There’s a drug store down the street from you.”

“I’m not going down the street. I’m so fat I don’t think I can even fit through the door. I split a pair of stretch pants. Do you know how fat you have to be to split stretch pants?”

“I’ll call the store, ask them to deliver some chocolate to you.”

“Drugstores don’t deliver.”

“I’ll be persuasive.”

“Do it. When I get the chocolate, I’ll call you back.”

“Wait, I—”

She hung up.

I had to use a combination of my charming personality and good, old-fashioned bribery to get the drugstore to deliver Jack some sugary goodness. Five Snickers bars cost me a hundred bucks. Fucking incredible. For that kind of money, they had better be filled with gold nuggets and cocaine.

When Jack called me back, her mouth was full. “Thabths.”

I assumed that was chocolate-speak for
thanks
.

I folded myself into my leather couch. “I got a problem, Jack. I knocked someone up.”

“Poor thing. I feel for her.”

“Think about me.”

“I am. That’s why I feel for her.”

“She wants to have it. And she wants me to be involved.”

“And you, since you’re you, want to continue with your solitary, selfish ways, being a blight on society and not doing a single good thing for anyone other than yourself.”

“I love it that you understand me so well.”

“How far along is she?”

I had to think for a moment. “I don’t know. She looks about fifteen months. She’s so big, she has her own gravitational pull.”

“You need to man up, McGlade.”

I frowned. “That’s your advice? Man up?”

“I gotta go. Phin just came home, and I’m so horny I could scream. Call me next month, lemme know how things turned out.”

She hung up the phone.

I didn’t know where Tangi lived. I didn’t even know her last name. But I was a private investigator, and it only took me three days of round-the-clock searching before I realized I still had her number on my cell.

“What do you want, asshole?”

“It’s me. Harry.”

“I know who it is.”

“I’ve been… thinking… about our situation.”

I could practically hear Tangi roll her eyes. “I’ll bet.”

“I’m ready to claim maybe a tiny bit of the responsibility for this. Assuming it’s mine.”

“It’s definitely yours. I had a dry spell for two months before you, because Sal’s goons kept chasing men away. And after you, I decided to become a lesbian.”

“Really? That’s hot.”

“Why did you call, McGlade?”

I took a deep breath and let it out slow. “I want to be a part of this and support any decision you make.”

There was a long pause, and part of me hoped she had hung up.

But, strangely, another part of me didn’t.

“I have an OBGYN appointment today at the Farmview center, on Monroe. Two p.m.”

“Okay. Maybe we can meet sometime afterward.”

“Not afterward, you callous shithead. Meet me there.”

“You want me at the doctor’s office?”

“Yes.”

“At the same time you’re there?”

“Yes.”

“Will I have to look at your enormous, naked body?”

Tangi hung up.

I didn’t like doctors. They always wanted to take something from you, like blood or a kidney, or stick something in you, like a probe or a needle.

As I walked into the waiting room, apprehension crouched on my shoulders and decided to hang out there. Six chairs were all very filled with very pregnant women, many of them appearing ready to pop. It sort of reminded me of the Alps. Never before had I been in a room full of women and been so unaroused.

I did a quick scan of the fatties, didn’t notice Tangi, and then turned around to leave just as she was walking in.

“Hey, babe. You’re looking… uh… pregnant.”

“So you showed up. I didn’t think you would.”

“Yep. Here I am. So you want me to just write you a check, then meet you afterward?”

I noticed all the preggos were listening to us while pretending not to.

“You’re going in,” Tangi said. “With me.”

“And we’re sure this kid is mine? No offense, but you jumped me so fast I felt like just one more guy in the queue. I was surprised you didn’t have one of those deli ticket number dispensers strapped to your back.”

One of the women seated around us made a sound somewhere between a grunt and a huff.

Tangi rolled her eyes. “I’m sure the baby is yours, Harry.”

“Isn’t there some sort of blood test to confirm this?”

“We can do all the blood tests you pay for. But you’re going in there with me today.” Tangi waddled off to check in with the receptionist.

I leaned over and whispered to the beluga whale sitting nearest to me, “I think she did this to trap me into marriage.”