Jase (44 page)

Changing the sheet on Gilda’s bed, he silently thanked DeeDee for buying the mattress covers. He cleaned the child, changing her clothes and grinning to himself when she failed to wake, rolling limply back and forth as he tugged the nightclothes onto her body. Settling the little girl back into her bed, he had second thoughts and picked her up, carrying her into the bathroom. He set her on the toilet, gently waking her and waiting patiently until she had finished, before scooping her up and carrying her back to bed.

Sitting on the edge of the mattress, he slowly and gently stroked the child’s back as she relaxed back into sleep, listening as her breathing grew deep and regular. A scuff on the carpeting came from behind him and he looked up, seeing DeeDee standing in the doorway with an odd expression. Tucking the covers around Gilda a little more tightly, he stood and walked to DeeDee, gathering up the soiled sheets and clothing as he went. Holding them in one hand, he reached out the other to wrap around her waist, but she was already moving back up the hallway away from him.
What the hell?
he
thought, opening the closet and depositing the dirty laundry in the basket.

“Hey,” he said, catching up to DeeDee as she crawled back into bed. She turned her back to him, and a shiver of trepidation crawled up his spine. Moving into place behind her, he reached out and wrapped his arms around her, tugging her
backwards
into him, feeling her shake with what he realized were silenced sobs. He whispered from beside her ear, “Baby, what’s wrong?”

“You’re so good with the kids,” she said, her voice choked and under tight control.

“They’re pretty easy to take care of. Unlike that damn bunny, but I promise I’m gonna find Penny. There can only be so many false poop trails.” He was hoping to draw a laugh from her, but no luck. Her frame shook as she
hiccupped and tried to
sniff
quietly
. Rising on one elbow, he leaned over her, gripping her chin with his hand to bring her face to his. “Talk to me, baby. I can’t know what’s going on in that beautiful head of yours without your help.”

Her voice was
quiet
and full of love when she said, “You are a perfect father, Jase. Patient, sweet, not squeamish, funny, loving,” she laughed brokenly, “and tidy.” He snorted, and she shook her head. “No, you are.
I wish…” Her voice trailed off, but he wasn’t going to let her get away with not completing that thought, because he knew where she was going with this and it was pissing him off.

“You wish…what, DeeDee?” His voice was firm and she stiffened. “What do you
wish
, baby?”

“I don’t know,” she whispered, but he shook his head.

“You do know, baby. Tell me,” he urged. “Talk to me, beautiful; tell me what you’re thinking…what you wish.”

In a rush, she spoke, her words tumbling over each other, “What do I wish? Oh, baby, I wish I were thirty-two. I wish I could have children. Your
children
…
our
children
. I don’t understand how life could be so cruel, to position us with more than two decades between us.
It’s not the age difference that I hate; it’s the fact I can’t…couldn’t…”

Her voice trailed off again, but it held the sound of the tears she was trying to hide, turning her head to the side to avoid his gaze. Jase felt a clenching in his chest, so incredibly sad for this woman who had so much love to give, but fate had stepped in to deny that love an adequate outlet.

“Baby,” he said tenderly, hand cupping her jaw and turning her so he could look into her face. “How can I explain to you? If you want that, it’s for you, not me. And if you want a baby, then we’ll find a way. You’re right. I enjoy being around the kids, and I’m glad we can be here for them, but wanting a baby is not me.” He shook his head then
grew still
,
struck
by a thought.

“Do you love Ruby?” he asked, waiting for her answer.

“Yes, of
course,
I do,” she said, frowning up at him.

“You love her? You’re sure?” he asked again.

“Yes, Jase. You know I do.” Her frown deepened.

“But she’s not yours,” he argued lightly, pleased when he saw a wave of anger
cross
her face.

“Just because I didn’t birth her, doesn’t mean she’s not mine. She’s my daughter in all the ways that matter, Jase.” She said this
tartly
, not even realizing she had fallen into his plan.

“I know,” he breathed, kissing her nose. “She
is
your daughter. Her babies are yours…ours. Because of love, not birth,
sweetheart
.”

“It’s not the same and you know it.” Now she sounded pissed, and he wasn’t sure what he had stepped in, but it looked to be
painful
and old, profound in a way that had caused hurt for a long time.

“If I said I love Tyler, would you tell me I didn’t know what it was like to love a son?” He wasn’t sure this was the question he wanted to ask, because it hinted at how much that kid had gotten under his skin. Hell, all the kids, but he wasn’t yet ready to examine those emotions.

“But he isn’t yours, Jase. He’s not your blood. For
men,
it’s different.” She said this with so much authority that if he had been any less sure of how he felt, his faith in himself might have been shaken.

“Not for me,” he said, shaking his head. “He’s a good kid, sunny disposition, even in the face of overwhelming odds and problems. He’s smart and funny, deeply loyal to his brothers and sisters. He’s exactly what I would want
in
a son. It doesn’t matter if he has my nose, looks like
me,
or shares my genes. What matters is the person I could help him become and how he could change me.” He looked at her, raising one eyebrow in question. “Where did you hear that bullshit about ‘for men, it’s different’?”

There was a pained, guttural sound as her breath caught in her throat, and he suddenly realized what had happened. Before she could say anything, he dragged her against him, holding her close with his arms, legs twining between hers, comforting her with the close press of his entire body against her. “Oh, baby. My love, DeeDee. You wanted to adopt, didn’t you?
You wanted kids so badly, a child you could love and raise, a child you could watch grow. A little person. A child you could watch as they developed a sense of self and independence—and Winger didn’t want to, right?
He turned down the idea out of
hand,
because the child wouldn’t be his
blood,
because he couldn’t see that child as being his.”

She nodded, arms tight around him and hands fisted in his hair and shirt, drawing him even closer as he continued speaking, “He had Lockee, the perfect combination of him and you, and for him, that was enough.
So you made do, right? He probably had no idea how much it hurt you, and being who you are, you made do.”

He had a sudden flash of memory from the party for Mica and Mason, how DeeDee had circled out and back all night long. She talked to so many people, encouraging them and loving on them in turn, gently chastising the ones who were stepping out of line, and lavishly praising the ones who weren’t. “You
loved
the club instead, didn’t you? You loved Melanie…Ruby, of course, because she and Lockee were joined at the hip, but you also love every member of the club like they are
your
own.”

He marveled at the depths of love this woman had in her body and soul for so many people. “That’s why you’ve stayed part of the
club,
because they truly are your family. You love to hear about their successes and you grieve
for
their
losses,
because they are yours. I get it, baby. You have so much love to give. We have Ruby’s babies, Bear’s kiddos, and now Bingo’s tribe, and you can love
on
them. Oh, baby, I think they are going to be our tribe. I have an idea,” he whispered the last against her neck, holding her and letting her cry against his chest. “Shhhhh. I love you, baby. I have an idea,” he repeated, rubbing his jaw up along her cheek to drop soft kisses on her temple.

***

“Tell the truth,” he said, a frown on his face as he looked down at DeeDee. He held her loosely in his arms as he leaned against the counter in the kitchen. It was the next morning, and the kids were already off to school.
His parents hadn’t yet shown up at the apartment, and he and DeeDee were slow to start the day. They talked for hours last night, turning and twisting his idea every way they could think of, finally coming to an agreement.
Heady with their joint plan, he made love to her, worshiping every inch of her as he loved to do, drawing responses from her, even in her exhausted state. They fell asleep twisted around each other, sheets damp with sweat and the air in the room heavy with the scent of sex.

“Okay,” she said easily, smiling up at him. “What’s the question?”

“Do you prefer to ride your own bike, or behind me?”

She blinked and shook her head. “Sometimes on my own, but sometimes with you. Why are you asking?”

“I don’t think I need two bikes,” he said and watched as the mask he so hated settled into place on her face. “Dammit, don’t do that,” he scolded, leaning in to kiss her lips hard, slanting his mouth across hers again and again until they were both breathless.

“Don’t do what?” she asked, biting her bottom lip softly.

“Don’t give me your club face.” He realized he said this in a grouchy tone and wrinkled his nose at himself. “Sometimes you work so hard to not show reactions it makes me crazy. I say, ‘I don’t think I need two bikes’, and you freeze up. Why?”

Her gaze dropped to his chest and she licked her lips nervously. “If you get rid of one…
which
one? What one are you going to keep?”

“Do you have a preference, baby?” he asked, dragging his nose along her neck, nibbling his way down to her collarbone, kissing and licking along her skin.

“Mmmmm. Keep the Bobber,” she said breathlessly, arching her neck.

“Okay, baby. Why the Bobber?” He bent his head, nipping at the top curve of her breast with his teeth.

“Just get rid of the other bike,” she said, fingers threading through his hair.

“Keep the Bobber I bought from Road Runner?” he asked again, making sure, slipping one hand down to cup her ass, pulling her tightly against him.

“Yeah, Road Runner is a good guy. That bike has a lot of good memories.” She pulled his head closer, urging him wordlessly to continue fondling her breasts.

“Get rid of Winger’s bike?” He tugged at her nipple through her clothing, squeezing her ass tightly.

“Yeah,
sell
that motherfucker,” she whispered, her head falling back, and he lifted her, setting her ass on the countertop.

“Okay,” he said, fingers working to unbutton the waistband of her jeans and his other hand pushing her shirt over her head. He leaned forward to suckle her breast through the fabric of her bra, biting her nipple sharply then drawing it into the heat of his mouth again. He tugged her towards the edge of the counter, telling her, “Wrap your legs around me, baby.” Picking her up, he cupped her ass in his hands and carried her to their bedroom. Having gotten the answer he was looking for, he went in search
of a response
of a different sort, eventually finding that one, too.

"Dammit, Bingo, of
course
I knew. I also knew you didn't want anyone fucking around in your goddamn business, so I stayed out of it. I made sure we took care of the club, freeing you to take care of your family. Doesn't change the fact I'm pissed as hell that you didn't trust me with the information without me pulling it out of you like teeth. We're family too, brother." Mason stretched out his hand, gripping Bingo's shoulder.

Bingo reached up, wrapping his fingers around Mason’s wrist. “I
know,
Prez. It just felt like I failed you. You trusted me with a chapter, and I fucked it up, let the
trash
in that nearly destroyed our brothers. Put you in
a dangerous
place with other clubs. Every way I could twist that bitch, I torqued it right over. But I had to take care of the kids.”

Mason nodded. “I know, brother. There’s no anger from me to you, and no disappointment, either. I know you hold the club close, and always have.” He leaned in, cupping the side of Bingo’s head, and pulled the man over so he could roughly kiss the top of his head. “Love you, man.”

Bingo laughed, cuffing Mason’s shoulder and pulling away. “No mushy shit, motherfucker. Save that for the ladies.”

Jase was glad to see there was no anger on the old man’s face. He had come to like Bingo, and if he was pissed because he talked to Mason, even if he had given permission in a roundabout way, there would be some guilt. But it looked like everything was going to be okay between them.

Bingo looked over at Jase and grinned, teeth shining in the middle of his thick,
gray
beard. “Cap’n, thank you, man. Appreciate what you’re doing for my kids.”

Jase made a face and nodded. “Want to talk to you about that.” He saw Bingo’s eyes narrow and a grin light Mason’s
face
, the dichotomy of the expressions making him laugh aloud. Mason knew what was coming, but he had to sell Bingo on the idea.

“My parents are visiting from up north. They’ve decided they want to set up a home base
here,
since both Shar and
I
are sticking in the Fort. Myron found DeeDee and me a house that’s both hella
nice
and a lot larger, so the club is moving us tomorrow and my folks are taking over the condo.” He
sighed, because
that was the easy part.

“DeeDee and I want you and the kids to move in with us, brother. I know your prognosis, Bingo. You didn’t send me out of the room when the doc came in this morning, so you know I know. You have more surgeries on the horizon, and this isn’t going to be an easy road to ride. Let me help you. You’re
not only
my friend, you are my brother, and I need to do this. Let me be there for the kids. For you.