Jaxson (13 page)

Our plans were set and in just a few weeks, Lynnie and I were supposed to be driving to New York together for school. We had been talking about going all year long, it was starting to get real as the days went by.
 

As I watched my pops walk towards me, I could tell something was not right. He looked almost like he was having trouble walking and he would stop to take deep breaths. “You okay pops?” I finally ask. I don’t think I really want to know the answer, but I ask anyways.
 

“I’ll be good kid.” he says with a heavy sigh. I feel my chest start to tighten, I know that he’s about to tell me something that I’m not going to like. It’s happened before, but it was when I was a freshman in high school. Granddaddy had gotten sick and was getting worse by the day. When my pops broke the news I took it hard. I spent many nights devastated by the news, and Tate was always there by my side making sure that I was okay through it all.
 

When I finally got the courage to ask Lynnie out, she became the light of my life. She helped my broken heart heal in a way that Tate was never able to help me with. Yeah, he helped me keep my mind off everything thing going on around me, but she was the one who helped me the most.
 

When my momma walks into the room, I know that something is wrong. Usually my parents are touchy feely and mushy. Today, my ma looks like she’s about to cry. My heart starts to beat erratically, I feel like I’m going to throw up. Is there something wrong with Lynnie? My brain is only thinking about her and nothing else. I can’t even think about anything other than her.
 

“Son, we need to talk.” My dad says quietly.
 

My eyes look between my parents and I wait for one of them to say something. “What? Is Lynnie okay?” I go to stand up, but my pops stops me by putting a hand to my stomach and pushing me back onto the couch.
 

“She’s fine.” he says looking up at me. I take my seat and look up at him. His normally large wide frame looks smaller than before, he almost looks frail. I’ve been so busy with Lynnie, football, and school that I never realized the difference in him.
 

“What’s wrong?” I finally ask. My eyes scan over him and then they shoot over to my momma who has tears running down her face. I can feel my panic start to increase and when I look back at my pops, I can see it in his eyes. He’s sick. He’s the one that is sick this time. When Granddaddy was sick my pops was strong. He held us together and made sure that everything was taken care of.
 

“I’ve been feeling down for the last few months and I finally went to see the doctor and…” he trails off and looks over to my momma. She grabs his hand before he continues. Her grip on his hand is what gives him strength to continue. “I’m sick.” I feel the blood drain from my face and body as I watch him. My eyes take note of his appearance and for the first time since Granddaddy died, I feel like my world is fucking crashing down on me.
 

Falling to my knees, I crawl towards my pops. His hands grip mine and just look at him. “Cancer?” I can barely get the word out of my mouth. Cancer took Granddaddy quickly and we didn’t have enough time to help him fight it. Is it going to be the same thing with pops? Will he die quickly or have they caught it in time.

The tears are now falling down my face as I wait with baited breath on his answer. When he can’t get the words out, he just nods his head and I feel the dam on my emotion break loose. Putting my head on his knees, I just cry. I could lose my pops. A million questions pop into my head, but every time I try to get the words out, nothing comes out.
 

We spend hours together as a family. By the time we finally talk about everything that is going on, I’m mentally and physically exhausted. There is no way that I’ll be able to leave now. When I check my phone before bed, I see Lynnie’s name on the screen. There is a picture of us that she took last night at the bonfire, but I can’t bring myself to care about it.
 

Looking at her face, I can see how happy and full of life she is. Maybe I can convince her to stay here with me. No, she would hate me for that. All she’s talked about for the last year was going off to New York and how excited she was to start a new life out there. Part of me doesn’t know if I should walk away from her or follow our dreams together.
 

We have a little piece of paper that says we are man and wife. I just hope our love is enough to make it through this. It has to be. I don’t know if I could live without her, but I do know that I don’t want to.

A week before we were set to leave, my momma and pop stopped me before I could walk out the door. “Jaxson, we can’t let you leave.” My momma’s voice breaks on her words, I can feel my heart break into two. “I know we said you could still go, but your daddy is getting worse every day. The chemo isn’t working and the doctors are saying that it’s not looking good.” She hiccups as she tries to hold back the tears, but it’s no use. They fall down her face in streams and I know what I have to do.
 

I have to break her heart. As angry as I am at not being able to go with her, I know that my place is here with my family, taking over the family ranch that has been passed down from generation to generation that I hope to pass down to my son or daughter one day.
 

“I’m sorry son.” My pop whispers. He’s having an even harder time getting around now, but it doesn’t stop him from trying to take care of the chores still. He’s a tough son of a bitch and I am proud to be his son.

Making my way over to Lynnie’s I go to break the news to her. To tell her that I’ll be staying here and hoping that maybe she’ll stay with me.
 

When I pull up to her house later that night, I see the bright beautiful face of the girl I’ve loved from a far most of my life. Three years isn’t nearly enough. When I get out of the truck, I can see her expression change. She doesn’t look happy anymore, she knows I’m about to say something to hurt her. I don’t want to hurt her, but it’s inevitable. Not being able to look at her, I stare at the ground as I make my way closer to her.
 

"Lyndley,” I whisper. I have a hard time finding the right words. "You know how much I love you, right?” When I look up at her, I can see the tears start to fall down her face. She shakes her head at me like she already knows what I’m going to say. Walking towards her, I reach out and pull her into my arms. She tries to pull out of my grip, but I don’t let her.

"If you loved me, you wouldn't be doing this,” she sobs into my chest. I hug her tighter to me and kiss the top of her head.
 

"Lynnie, I'll never stop loving you. I just can't leave here. My pops needs my help with the ranch and I can't let him down. He wants me to eventually take it over, and that is what I've always wanted to do. I need to be here for my family." My voice breaks and I know I’m tearing us apart just with the words. It’s going to be the end of us. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I want her to be happy even if I break my own heart in the process.
 

"You lied!" she yells, trying to push me away from her. "You told me you would always be right there with me, but now you're leaving me.” She cries, fists pounding against my chest. Her legs give out and I have to hold her up. "You promised…," she whispers brokenly. The brightness that once surrounded us both is now dimmed, I wish like hell that there was something I could do to stop the pain.
 

Taking a deep breath, I ready myself for the blow that is going to end everything. It’s going to end every sweet kiss, playful smile, and the wild and crazy love that we’ve shared over the last three years. "Lyndley, my feelings for you will never change. You will always be it for me, but I have to think about my family, too. They need me right now." She probably won’t forgive me, but that is something I’m going to have to deal with later. My family needs me to be here, even when I’d rather be wherever she is.
 

"I've loved you my whole life, Jaxson,” she whispers. "I should have listened when everyone said you'd break my heart. I wish I'd never met you!" Her words slice through me and I feel like I’m freefalling into nothing. I’m just praying that when I finally hit the bottom, the pain that is pulling at my chest dissipates and eases.

When she pulls from my embrace, I don’t even stop her. She deserves to be happy, I remind myself, even if that isn’t with me. "Stay away from me. I never want to see you again!” she runs up her porch and slams the door behind her. There goes my life. I watch the love of my life walk away from me without so much as a word. I don’t even try to get her to stay. She’s way more than this town, I know that it’s the only way to love her now, from afar.

By the time the checks are all signed and put into envelopes, Lynnie is coming back into my office. “You take forever.” she pouts. I reach out and grab her wrist, pulling her to me.
 

“I just finished the last check. I’m all yours for the rest of the day.” I press my lips to her and I hear her sigh. Her body melts into mine, I wrap my arms around her waist.
 

“Good. I can’t wait.” She nips at my bottom lip before I hear Max’s paws hitting the floor. When he pokes his head in the room, Lynnie pulls away from me and kneels down in front of him. She scratches behind his ears and he rolls over onto his back, eating up the attention she’s giving him. Spoiled dog.

Grabbing the pile of checks, I make my way around them and towards the kitchen where I see Tate walking towards the door. When he sees me he freezes, hand on the door knob. He stares at me for a few minutes before he actually opens the door. When he walks in, I hand him the checks and he just watches me without a word still.
 

He turns and walks out the door before anything can be said. “He doesn’t seem to really like me anymore.” Her hands come around my body and rest on my stomach. Her face presses into my back and my hands rest on top of hers.
 

“He’ll come around babe.” I pat her hand three times before I pull her in front of me. Cupping her cheeks, I lower my mouth to hers and whisper, “I love you.” Her eyes meet mine for a second before she closes the distance, and again presses her mouth to mine.
 

“I love you.” Her breath barely moves over my skin when she pulls away. My hands run down her neck, then they grip her shoulders. Her arms wrap around my neck and her body melts into mine.
 

“Come on, let’s get going.” I murmur against her skin. I press my lips to her neck before I stand up and lead her out into the kitchen. I grab a couple of bottles of water before leading her to the truck. Once I get her inside, I shut the door and walk around to the driver side, sliding inside the truck. When I look over at her, I can see the smirk on her face. “What?” I ask with a grin of my own.
 

“Nothing. I just love watching you.” Her smirk turns into a full on smile which makes me want her more than I already do.
 

“I don’t know why.” I say before I put the truck in drive and take off towards our date. We spend the next hour talking about random things that I’ve done here on the ranch since my pops died. Although it’s hard, I tell her things that I never told anyone else, not even Tate.

“The ranch doesn’t look any different than it did when we were teenagers.” I smile, but I know it doesn’t go to my eyes. I can tell that she sees the sadness in my expression.
 

“I’ve changed a few things. My pops would probably roll over in his grave if he saw what I’ve changed.” When I look over at her, I can see that she doesn’t understand what I mean. “I added housing for the hands and a private residence for myself. My pops wanted me to stay in the house with momma, but I couldn’t. I needed to get out of that house.” I pause and I turn my attention completely on the road. I can’t get any other words out. He told me until the day he died that I wasn't to build a place of my own. Told me that every generation lived in that house as one family, but I couldn't do it. It reminded me of all I lost and building the house for Lynd took my mind off the heartbreak for a while.
 

When her hand touches my thigh, I look over at her again. She gives me the strength that I didn’t know I needed. Shit, I didn’t think that one touch from her would make me want to keep talking even though the pain is tearing me apart. “Building that house was the first thing I did for myself.” I grab her hand and squeeze it. “Well, I take that back. I built it for you. For what I wished I was able to have. As much as I wanted you to step foot back into Newcomb, I knew that your life was now in New York.”