Journey to the Centre of Myself (32 page)

I rise to my feet.

‘First of all, I’d like to say that at the beginning of the year, I could not have anticipated I would be at the end of my marriage and ready to start a different chapter in my life. Adrian, you know that I will always love you. You have been a huge part of my life and I will miss you being there for me.’

Adrian’s eyes fill with tears. Amber goes over and puts her arm around him which I am grateful for.

‘Steve, you have always been my rock, my big brother, and I’m sorry you’ve had to endure heartache yourself this year. But I suggest you leave women alone for now and, um, get another dog? You could travel less?’

‘I don’t know, it’s a big commitment, but it’s something to think about.’

‘Amber. The strangest thing was the way you came into my life, by taking over my job. I’m so glad now that I was made redundant and that however strangely, it brought you into my life. I enjoy your vivacity and your impulsiveness. In fact, I’m hoping some of it rubs off on me. I’ve spent far too much time being careful, I need to go out and be a little more reckless.’

She laughs. ‘We need to trade a bit. Give me some of your calm and you have some of my storm.’

‘Deal,’ I say. ‘So thank you all for coming. In less than an hour, we’ll be welcoming another year. I hope it’s a prosperous one for everybody.’

We raise a glass and cheer.

‘To Karen,’ shouts Amber, ‘Bless her, and to all who ride in her.’

‘To Karen,’ say Steve and Adrian, both looking at Amber and no doubt wondering like I am how she’ll ever be anything but herself.

Coffee

The dishes are piled in the dishwasher and Adrian has made everyone a drink. He heads off to the back garden. He says it’s for a breath of fresh air, but this must be so hard for him. Perhaps he’s gone to get away from his horrid soon to be ex-wife. I wonder about going out and hover near the back door.

‘Here, let me,’ Amber says and slips through the doorway.

Steve and I watch the celebrations on the television as it builds up to the climax of the New Year. Crowds are gathered near Big Ben and the London Eye. It’s eleven fifty-eight.

‘Go tell the others,’ I ask Steve.

He shouts them and they head back inside. Amber’s cheeks are pink from the cold. ‘Is it time?’ she asks, her voice rises in excitement.

‘It is.’

We all stand together as it counts down.

Ten.

Nine.

Eight.

Seven.

Six.

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

One.

We hug each other. Wish each other a Happy New Year. Join arms and sing Auld Lang Syne. Amber goes to get her coat as the fireworks go off on the television screen. It's later Steve will tell me how he caught Adrian and Amber kissing on the back doorstep. How fireworks hadn’t only gone off in London but had exploded here, in the hearts of a lovely, but lonely couple in Stockport.

Meaning I could leave with a free heart and mind.

Chapter 34

Amber

One Year Later

I often think about that night, New Years Eve. The night that changed everything.

31 December 2012

I headed outside to lend Adrian a shoulder to cry on. His wife was leaving him and had essentially thrown a party to celebrate the fact. As I walked out of the door, I expected a broken man. I didn’t expect to see him stripped to his tee-shirt hefting a large water feature and throwing it down the bottom of the garden. I ran down, expecting to calm rage.

‘Thank fuck for that, always hated that bloody thing. She found it dead relaxing. It made me want to pee all the time.’

‘Are you okay, Adrian?’

‘I’m fine, but I’ll be better tomorrow when Karen leaves. I don’t mean to sound awful, but I want to get on with my own life now, and it’s difficult when she’s around.’

My mouth is open and must convey my shock.

‘Amber, our marriage was over a long time ago. Neither of us wanted to admit it, that’s all.’

He sits on the garden bench and I join him. We chat about our hopes for the New Year. We don’t realise how long we’re outside.

‘Jeez, it’s five to twelve, come on, let’s go and celebrate the New Year.’

‘Do we have to?’ I ask. ‘I’m quite enjoying it out here with you in the fresh air.’

‘Yes we do, come on.’ He grabs my hand and helps me up. I glance at our hands together as we approach the back doorstep. He sees me look at our hands.

My eyes meet his and then…

His mouth is on mine and sparks fizz deep in my belly and other places. He is warm against the cold. Then the door opens and Steve is there. He looks shocked, then shakes his head, tells us it’s nearly time.

I’m embarrassed but go in the house and we celebrate the New Year. Then I get my coat. I need to leave. Two minutes before my resolution I kissed my friend’s husband.

Now I’ve resolved to think. My thoughts tell me to go home and consider my actions.

I keep touching my lips with my fingers all the way home.

31 December 2013

I stuck to my resolution. We took it steady Adrian and I. Dated slowly. Made sure we were for real and not rebounding after the end of our marriages. He sold his house and took out a six-month rental, ten minutes’ walk away from my house. We both got divorced.

Last month we moved in together, into my house.

Will and Sam gave Alfie a baby sister. He sent me a text when she was born. I sent my congratulations and deleted his number from my phone. We’ve had no contact since and I don’t anticipate we ever will.

I got my job and I’ve been a permanent member of staff for almost a year. I love it, sharing an office with Mirelle and a woman called Sally, who moved over from the general office. Jo left. She couldn’t handle the indignity of being how she termed it
downgraded
and does secretarial work for her husband’s company. Rumour has it that Jo realised her husband’s secretary was a leggy young brunette.

I check my reflection in the mirror and slick a little gloss across my lips. My auburn hair is swept up in an elegant chignon but with escaped tendrils curling around my face. A breeze blows in through the window.

Mirelle walks in, catching me in my white satin bra, matching pants and hold ups.

‘I hope you’re wearing more than that,’ she laughs.

She can’t stop looking at the platinum band on her hand, the emerald shining like a cats eye.

‘I’m next,’ she says.

‘You are.’

Shaun proposed on Christmas Eve. He put the ring on a collar around their cat’s neck. Apparently it took her five tries to get it. The cat kept trying to claw her. They’re hoping for a summer wedding in eighteen months’ time.

‘I suppose we could get married in winter, though,’ she says, having seemingly read my mind. ‘If you do it abroad, it’s hot anyway, isn’t it?’

‘That it is,’ I say, walking out on the veranda, taking a sip of champagne. I wouldn’t ordinarily drink but it’s a special occasion.

‘Anyway other than being in your undies, are you almost ready?’

In the distance, I see Adrian on the beach waiting.

‘I need to get dressed, and then yes I am.’

I walk towards him. He’s standing under an archway of flowers, grinning at me. As it’s so warm, he wears a short sleeved shirt. My own dress is simple, white and floaty. As the breeze flows, it blows the cloth of the gown against the small bump of my stomach. We have an extra guest at our wedding.

Adrian and I might have decided not to rush things, but the little boy inside me had other ideas. He’s obviously impulsive, like his mum.

So one year to the day of our first kiss, Adrian and I become man and wife.

We’re wished a lifetime of love and happiness.

I can’t wait.

Chapter 35

Karen

31 December 2013

What a whirlwind of a year. I’ve travelled all over.

New York.

Italy.

I’ve seen the Northern Lights where I stayed in an Ice hotel.

I went back to Paris.

Finally, I bought a small flat in Sale. It’s nice having a permanent home in between jetting around. My photography course starts in February so I’ll be doing less travelling then anyway. One whole wall of my living room is just for books. I have four sets of shelves and just keep adding to them. It’s like having my own bookstore. Whenever I want to read, I have a selection of titles to choose from.

I’ve spent a lot of time by myself. But I’m comfortable in my own skin. There’s no one worrying about me having breakdowns and I don’t have to try to please other people. I visited my daughter in the summer. The meadow looked beautiful.

Celine, the Tour Guide from Paris, passed me Mark’s phone number. He’d asked me to get in touch. I called him and he asked how I was, what had happened between Arjan and me. He apologised for being nosey. I said I didn’t mind. We spoke of various trips we both wanted to take. Last month he asked if I wanted to join him on a trip to Budapest. I told him I’d think about it.

Adrian’s mother passed away last February. I was sorry to hear that, even though we’d never particularly got on. I didn’t attend the funeral, Amber went with Adrian.

Amber.

I kept my distance for a while after I found out what had happened between her and Adrian, but then I realised that what went on between them was none of my business.

In fact, the more I thought of it, the more fated it seemed to be. They belonged together, Adrian and Amber. The woman who’d come along and slotted into my job, the woman who now had my ex-husband. I should loathe her, and yet it was like it was meant to be. She arrived so I could be free.

We’ve kept in touch, although after today I plan to fade into the background, as an ex-wife should. I’ve no wish to become Aunty Karen and I think it’s a step too far to expect us to play Happy Families when Adrian and I lost our daughter. Truly, I’m pleased for him, though, he’s a great dad. I hope his child is born healthy and strong and he doesn’t have to suffer any more loss. Over the past few years, he has suffered enough, his daughter, his wife, his mother. He deserves happiness.

He insisted that I have some of his inheritance from his mother as part of the divorce settlement. I wanted him to keep it but he said it was right and fair as we were still married at the time she died. He has always been so right and proper. I used it as a deposit for my flat, so in a way Adrian has still been caring for me, making sure I have a home to come back to.

I sent a mock-up piece of travel writing to a company who produces guides and they liked it. It doesn’t pay much but I review hotels for them. I also do mystery shopping for a hotel company, checking out the quality of service. It’s a new hobby for me.

Anyway, here I am back in Tenerife, almost twelve months to the day that I came last year. I’m sitting alongside Shaun as Mirelle has bridesmaid duties. I was honoured to be invited, but tomorrow I’m moving on to Fuerteventura for a couple of weeks. Tenerife has got old. I’m not really into visiting the same place twice.

I watch Amber almost float down the walkway, catch a glimpse of her dress clinging to the swollen tummy that holds a son. Am I selfish for being pleased it isn’t a girl?

I see Adrian’s massive grin as she heads towards him. They have eyes only for each other.

Rings are exchanged.

A long kiss for the bride.

We all applaud.

Doves are released.

I look at the birds flying free as the sky beats down with hues of amber and gold, echoed in my outfit of a sunny pale yellow dress and an orange pashmina.

I smile.

THE END

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