Joy Takes Flight (20 page)

“It was a long time ago.” She caressed his cheek, her eyes holding his. “You're still carrying around all that hurt, aren't you?”

Paul straightened. “Not so much now. I got married.”

“Yes. Robert told me. I'm happy for you. And I heard there's going to be a baby.”

Paul cleared his throat. “Was. We lost the baby—a girl . . . just a few weeks ago.” An ache tightened his throat. He missed Kate.

“Oh, Paul. I'm truly sorry.” She closed her eyes, and it looked like she was praying. When she opened them, she said, “Your little one is with the Father.” She glanced at the door. “Did you bring your bride with you?”

“No. She wasn't up to the trip.” Paul knew that wasn't entirely true, although the journey would have been arduous for Kate. The whole truth was, he needed to come alone. He needed to face this place and his family on his own.

“I'm sorry to hear that. I'd hoped to meet your young lady. She must be very special to have captured your heart.” She grasped Paul's hand.

“There's no one like Kate. She's a pilot and flies all over the Alaskan territory.”

“Yes. I recall hearing that. And Robert said you're working as a bush doctor now.” His mother smiled gently. “I'm so proud of you.” She took a quaking breath, which set off a spasm of coughing. She pointed at a glass of water on the bedstead.

Paul handed it to her, and with trembling hands, she sipped. “That's better.” She returned the glass to Paul. “Maybe we can talk more later. I'm a bit worn out.”

“Okay. I'll get settled and see you for dinner?”

“That would be splendid.”

“I'll bring our meals up.” Paul bent over her and kissed her forehead, struggling to hold back his tears. “I'll see you later.” When he stepped into the hallway, Robert and Audrey were waiting for him.

“How does she seem to you?” Audrey asked. “I mean from a doctor's perspective.”

“Understandably weak and fatigued, but her mind is just as sharp as ever. And she seems in good spirits.”

“She's sleeping more and more,” Robert said.

“With a condition like this, that is to be expected. Her heart is failing and is unable to pump an adequate supply of blood to keep her strong.”

“So, you agree with the doctors?” Audrey's eyes teared.

“Robert said she has the best in the city. And from what I've seen, she appears to be failing.” He rested a hand on the closed door. “If you don't mind, we've planned to share our evening meal together in her room.”

“No. Of course we don't mind. However, Sean and Carolyn will be here. Carolyn's bringing her children.” Robert glanced down the hallway. “I know she's hoping to spend time with both you and Mother.”

“I'll see to it that she has plenty of time for both. I'm looking forward to seeing her and her family,” Paul said, although he wasn't, not completely. He knew there would be questions, and although Carolyn was not as confrontational as Audrey, she had a way of letting her feelings be known. “If you'll excuse me, I could do with a nap before dinner.”

“Certainly,” Robert said. “I've got work at the office. And before returning, I'll swing by and pick up Mary and the children. Ever since hearing you'd be coming, Rebecca and John have talked of nothing else.” He smiled.

“I've missed them. They're nearly grown, what are they—eleven now?”

“In February.”

“Did you hear, Mother's decided to come down and share Thanksgiving dinner with us?” Audrey asked. She glanced at Paul. “I'm afraid it'll be too much for her.”

“If she wants to have dinner with us, then so be it,” Robert said.

“She's a determined woman,” Paul said, then shoved his hands into his pockets and walked down the hallway toward his room, convinced that this would be the last holiday he'd share with his mother.

Paul spent the next few days becoming reacquainted with family, getting to know his four nieces and one nephew, and catching up on all that had taken place since he'd escaped to Alaska. Young John was the most inquisitive of them all and the two hit it off immediately.

Audrey had no serious beau and stated quite openly that she wasn't at all certain she would ever marry. She was dead set against placing herself under any man's authority. Paul thought she and Kate would get along well together. Sean made very few appearances. From what Paul could gather, he had a busy social life and with the holidays approaching intended to make an appearance at as many gatherings as possible. He'd been friendly with Paul, but had more on his mind than family. Carolyn had taken on the task of making sure all the details for the holiday were attended to, and she and Audrey spent countless hours in the kitchen baking.

Mary, Robert's wife, was friendly and outgoing, but she had much more in common with Audrey. The two never seemed to tire of discussing the latest in local art and theater.

Carolyn said very little to Paul about his absence, and it had taken her time to warm up to him, although her husband, Charles, was friendly and seemed to genuinely enjoy Paul's company. It wasn't until a late-night chat in the kitchen that Carolyn finally talked freely and with genuine enthusiasm laughed over fun recollections.

Paul spent a great deal of his time with his mother, but managed to see a few friends about town. His closest friend and former colleague, Walter Henley, was unavailable due to an influenza outbreak. They made plans for after the Thanksgiving holiday.

Used to the seclusion and solitude of the homestead, Paul sought time alone at the beach as often as possible. He'd find a log, sit and watch fishing vessels and sailboats. He longed to sail again. It had been one of his and Susan's favorite activities. Watching a sleek vessel dance across the waves, pushed along by a brisk wind, brought back memories of outings they'd taken. She felt close.

The sailboat disappeared into a mist and Paul's mind wandered to Kate. He envisioned her amber eyes and her hearty laughter. He longed to be with her. But he couldn't leave, not now. He'd tried to contact her by telephone, but she hadn't been home. Out on a run, no doubt. He'd write her when he got back to the house.

Thanksgiving arrived with a flood of activity. The house was filled with the delectable smells of roasting meat, sweet rolls, and pies. It resounded with laughter and family conversation. How strange it seemed that as his mother lay dying, the family celebrated. It didn't seem right. But even now his mother's spirit filled the house. She'd always overflowed with cheer and even in these last days she possessed an essence of incomprehensible joy.

Finally it was time. The table was set and the food prepared and set out. Paul and Robert hurried up the stairway to their mother's room.

Paul knocked. “Dinner's ready.”

Carolyn opened the door. “Mother's ready. But she'll need help getting downstairs.”

The head of the Anderson household sat in a cushioned high-back chair, her gnarled hands clasped in her lap. Her silver hair was coiffed and Paul guessed that she'd taken time for a bit of rouge and lipstick. She wore one of her favorite dresses, a lavender gown with butterfly sleeves.

“Mother, you look beautiful,” Robert said.

“Of course I don't, but I thought it fitting I wear my best.” She smiled. “And it smells as if my two daughters have outdone themselves.” She lifted a hand. “I could do with a little help.”

Paul and Robert moved to either side of the chair. Each held her arms and lifted her to her feet. She tottered slightly and Paul grasped her more tightly. He could smell the delicate fragrance of roses. She was wearing her favorite perfume.

His mother straightened. “I'm ready.” Taking a step and leaning heavily upon her sons, she made her way down the stairs, making an entrance into the dining room.

“Oh Mother, you look stunning,” Audrey said.

Sean hurried around to the end of the table and pulled out a chair for his mother. She sat carefully and Sean pushed the chair up to the table. She closed her eyes for a moment and breathed deeply, then she gazed at her family. “How wonderful to be here with all of you.” She settled her eyes on Paul. “Would you mind giving thanks?”

“Certainly,” Paul said, stumbling over the word. He was the last one who should pray. And everyone at the table knew that, but as he looked at his family, they wore expectant expressions, not critical ones. Audrey and Carolyn both seemed close to tears. Paul bowed his head, his mind blank. What should he say? He'd been angry with God for so long.

And then seemingly from nowhere a flood of thankfulness washed through him. “Our heavenly Father,” he began. “I cannot begin to express how lucky I am to be a part of this family. Thank you for their love and acceptance, their forgiveness. They have welcomed me back into the fold and have blessed my life. My sisters have labored over this meal. I ask that you bless the work of their hands. And strengthen our mother who is at the heart of this family. Amen.”

He looked up to find Carolyn dabbing at her eyes and his mother smiling broadly, her eyes brimming with tears. “Thank you, Paul. Now Robert, would you carve the turkey for us?”

The meal was perfection—family recipes handed down through the years—sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, gravy, cornbread stuffing, and corn casserole along with cranberry gelatin and the lightest of sweet rolls. Paul was glad he was there, but wondered about Kate. What was she doing on this day? She'd said something about spending it with the Warrens.

He noticed his mother ate very little, but her eyes were alight with pleasure as she listened to her children and grandchildren reminisce with story after story. It was a day to treasure. She went up to bed early, and Paul sat at her bedside, wondering how much longer she would remain with them. She wore a smile in her sleep, but her color was off, her lips tinged blue. The celebration had taken a toll. Paul decided to remain at her side through the night, just in case she might need him.

She blinked open her eyes and looked at him. “I'm so thankful you're here. I prayed and God brought you home.”

Alaska had been home for so long, but at this moment the house where he'd been loved and nurtured felt like home. “I'm sorry it took me so long to get here.”

She raised her hand to quiet him. “It doesn't matter now. What matters is that you're unhappy. I can see it in your eyes.”

Her voice was so quiet, Paul could barely hear. He leaned closer. “I'm fine, Mother. I have a good life, good friends, and a wife I cherish. I want you to meet Kate. You'll love her.”

“I see the love you feel each time you speak of her. I'm sorry I won't have the opportunity to meet her.”

“Don't talk like that. You may have many more years.”

His mother was silent for a moment, then she said, “We have no time for pretending. I'm dying . . . soon.” Paul started to speak, but she shushed him. “Listen to me. You must find a way to forgive yourself. If you don't, your self-loathing will destroy you. I wish you could see what I see—a fine, honorable man. God has given you so many gifts, and he didn't intend for you to hide yourself away where your gifts are hidden, they're meant to be shared.”

“But I'm working . . . as a doctor.”

“That is a gift, but it's not the one I'm speaking of. It's you, your heart and kindness and deep affection for family that you've hidden from the ones who love you.”

“After what happened, I couldn't stay. You know that. Susan was everywhere. It felt as if I couldn't breathe because of her presence and her absence.” Without warning, the impact of her loss swept over Paul, as if she had just died. “Why, Mother? I don't understand why God let her die.”

“Susan was here as long as she was meant to be. Her days were numbered before she was even born.”

Paul shook his head. “Her life was cut short because of me. Just because God knew doesn't mean he wanted her to die. We were meant to have a life together—I can't forgive him for snatching her away from me. I can't forgive myself for not stepping in.” He sat on the chair, unable to hold back his tears. “If I had done what I should have, she and my son would still be here.”

His mother reached out and took his hand. “Oh my dear son, I wish I knew all the answers. I don't. But I do know that you didn't kill your wife. You did all you could.”

Paul's chest felt as if it would explode. “I love Kate, but I still miss Susan.”

“Love once born never leaves us.” She stopped and took a small breath. “Soon I'll see sweet Susan and my grandson.” She smiled. “And my granddaughter. Oh, to hold them . . .” Her eyes brimmed with tears. “I want to tell Susan that you're well.”

Paul wished he could assure his mother that he was happy and content, but there was still a dark place inside of him that threatened to destroy everyone he loved, including Kate. He pressed his mother's hand to his cheek. “I don't want you to go.”