Jump Start Your Marriage (3 page)

One of the most fatal mistakes that married couples make is to think that, because they love and trust each other, they can simply “let themselves go.” Many a marriage has been left shipwrecked as a result of this kind of laziness and irresponsibility.

There are two reasons why married men and women should take good care of themselves, and they are equally important. What are they? Health and sex.

It should not be necessary to argue that people have a moral obligation to their loved ones to safeguard their health. Unfortunately, in this day and age, such a seemingly obvious ethic is dismissed, neglected, or ignored. So, let me state it plainly: You are obligated to take care of yourself so that you can enjoy as many years as God will grant you to spend with the people you love and who love you!

This is a truth that I rebelled against for many years. I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and drink as much soda as I wanted – come what may! It’s only been fairly recent that I
finally
repented of that selfishness and folly. Unfortunately, it takes a while to undo bad habits and to reverse or at least mitigate the consequences of unhealthy living.

My wife has a right to expect that
I
will do what
I
can to give her (and our children) as many quality years of life and health as God will grant.

Of course, there are situations or crises which may come up that we cannot foresee. Who knows whether a car accident might be around the corner? And each of us can think of very healthy, physically fit people wiped out by cancer or some other disease they neither asked for nor expected. We all understand that tragedies happen. Nevertheless, it is one thing to have your life cut short because of a tragedy. It’s quite another to forfeit a long, healthy life because of irresponsible living.

You have an obligation – an obligation! – to cultivate responsible habits. Those who live responsibly tend to live longer than those who don’t. That’s a simple fact. And your loved ones deserve that you do your best to give them as many years of your presence as God allows.

Sex is the other reason we should take care of ourselves, and it’s frankly just as important as health. Many people think pastors shouldn’t talk (or write) about sex. That kind of
foolishness
is among the reasons why Christian homes and churches have been ripped apart by sexual problems and scandals.

Sex is a need that God has hardwired into the human condition. We are sexual creatures. If we weren’t, then…well…we wouldn’t be here. Human beings want, enjoy, and need sex. And that’
s exactly how God made us.

Sadly, many Christians are uncomfortable with and even opposed to sex. They see it as something “dirty.” Frankly, they view it as bas
ically sinful, but somehow think God stooped to allow sex as some kind of accommodation to our sinful flesh. What nonsense! God invented sex! It was His idea!

The book of Hebrews
lays out God’s standard on the subject pretty clear. Hebrews
says that sex outside of marriage (i.e., “fornication”) is sin, but the “marriage bed” (meaning sex ins
ide of marriage) is “undefiled” (Hebrews 13:4).
That means sex within marriage is free from all corruption. It is without blemish.
Marital sex is pure.

What happens when this pure, undefiled aspect of marriage is missing or compromised? In a word….trouble!

In his letter to the church at Corinth, the Apostle Paul wrote:

“Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.  Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
(I Corinthians 7:3-5, NKJV)

In plain English, the Bible teaches that husbands and wives are to give romantic and sexual affection to one another.  To help “enforce” that, the wife
owns
the husband’s body and vice versa. If either party fails to serve the other in this way, Paul warns, the devil will get a foothold in the home.

Yet it’s not enough that each party simply be willing or able to go through the motions. Embedded in this set of instructions is the common sense principle that each spouse must operate from a position of
appeal
.

Consider
the effect of a spouse with horrible breath and repulsive body odor offering sexual intimacy or even a simple kiss to the other. That’s not rendering “due affection.”
It’s rendering an offense…even an insult!

Likewise, consider the effect of a spouse who has let himself or herself go to the point that he or she is no longer physically attractive to the other.
What is that but an
act of
sexual
deprivation?

I realize this is a sensitive subject. I fully understand that some people face genetic or health challenges over which they have little or no control.
And God understands this as well.
T
he harsh reality
, though,
is that our bodies and minds are wired for sex and there are plenty of sexual temptations out there. Nevertheless, for a couple facing a situation where one or both parties is unable to offer sexual fulfillment to the other, God is a gracious and merciful God.
In such cases, the couple in question should fervently pray and ask God for the grace and strength they need. God can and does grant mercy and strength.

For most couples, however, the decline or
absence of sexual attraction is
not
due to some circumstance that’s beyond their control. Rather, it’s due to neglect on the part of one or both parties. And the situation can be reversed.

In order for a married couple to enjoy the level of sexual enjoyment and fulfillment God intends, we must jettison the foolishness that says:
“Hey, if my spouse loves me, he or she should accept me for who I am.”
That’s basically just one selfish party demanding
that the other person be
un
selfish. Healthy marriages don’t work that way.

It is absolutely true that husbands and wives should unconditionally love one another, but too many spouses take advantage of this as if it’s a one-way street. They fail (or refuse) to consider that loving one’s spouse means striving to fulfill his or her needs. And sex is one of those needs.

It is true that men and women differ to an extent as to how they approach sex, but both men and women need physical affection, enjoyment, and intimacy. A marriage without these things is a marriage that is lacking a fundamental God-given blessing and faces major trouble.

In order to satisfactorily fulfill this mutual need, each party must approach the other in a way that stimulates some measure of attraction and appeal. An unappealing spouse does little to fulfill the sexual needs
and desires
of the other
party
.

Does this mean that you must be a bodybuilder or model?
Hardly.
God is not requiring that you work out 8 hours a day at the gym
or maintain some ridiculously strict diet
in order to satisfy your mate’s desires. You don’t need to be someone you’re not, but you do need to be the very best that you can be!

As Dr. Harley puts it, “Attractiveness is what you do with what you have.”

For example, let’s say my wife announced that she was attracted to men who were over six feet tall and therefore I am no longer acceptable to her. (For the record, I’m 5’10”). That would be a rather unfair demand on her part, since I’ve
never
been six feet tall.
And, barring some medical procedure I’m not aware of, I will never be six feet tall!
My wife doesn’t have the
moral
right to demand or expect that I fundamentally change my physique in a way that’s frankly impossible
.

But s
he
does
have a right to ask that I go easy on Dairy Queen Blizzards, cut back on my Coca-Cola intake, and get some exercise.

It comes down to being the best you can be – to presenting yourself to your mate as a sexually attractive husband or wife that’s ready, willing, and able to serve him or her and help fulfill his or her needs.

A great place to start is hygiene. Brush and floss your teeth regularly. Carry (and use) breath mints. Bathe or shower regularly. Use deodorant. If it pleases your mate, use cologne or perfume. Do everything you can to keep your body and breath smelling nice.

There are additional hygiene steps that men and women should consider, depending on their particular situation. As a general rule, men should shave regularly or, if they have facial hair, keep it neatly trimmed. The key is to present yourself as attractive as you can to your mate. If she prefers a mustache or beard, so be it. But keep it neat.

Most men consider hair on a woman’s face, underarms, and legs to be very unattractive.
Ladies, if that’s the case with your mate as well, you
should do whatever you can to take care of that.

Men and women should do what they can to take care of their skin. To the best of your ability, you should treat acne, warts, varicose veins, or anything else that might be unsightly or unattractive to yourself or your spouse.

While you don’t need to be a health nut, establish some healthy eating and exercise habits. There are plenty of great materials out there. For a Christian perspective on this issue, I recommend
Bod4God
by Steve Reynolds.

So that I’m not accused of hypocrisy, allow me to admit that, as of this writing, I am overweight. That, however, is
changing.
I’m taking steps in this area, and I’ve lost over 10 pounds in the last month.
That weight loss will continue.

The way I see it, I should be in the weight range that medical professionals say is healthy for my age and body type. My wife deserves at least that. If I can get back to where I was when we married close to 20 years ago, all the better!

Frankly, this should be the goal, if at all possible, of every person. Go to your doctor. Get a physical. And ask your doctor what your ideal weight and diet should be for long-term health. And make
that
your goal.

In addition to the above areas, posture and demeanor are important. Stand up straight. Walk with your shoulders back, chest out, stomach in. Don’t be unnatural or comically awkward about it, but maintain a healthy, erect posture.

You should also practice perhaps the most attractive habit you can ever cultivate:
Smile
. Few things will make you more attractive than a sincere, bright smile!

There are, of course, other ways to make yourself attractive to your partner that have little to do with physical appearance per se. You should study your spouse so that you thoroughly understand what he or she finds attractive and appealing – and then you should work to fulfill that appeal.

Many sex experts, for example, tell husbands that doing the dishes, taking out the trash, and helping out around the house are ways to make yourself more attractive to your wife.

I realize that some of my readers may be troubled, perhaps even offended, at this chapter. We frankly get very defensive about our appearance and weight.
Or anything related to sex! Believe me, it’s
not easy to write this chapter, but it’s important that I do so.
Sexual attraction and fulfillment ar
e vital needs in every marriage. And many marriages
are falling apart today because those needs are not being met in the home where God ordained that they should be met.

Lest you feel a bit discouraged or overwhelmed, remember
that you
“
eat an elephant one bite at a time.
”
Do the best you can and take things one step at a time.

Your spouse shouldn’t expect perfection, but he or she does have a right to ask that you do the best you can – and that you at least point your life in the right direction. Set incremental goals, and work toward improving yourself step by step each day.

             
Perhaps some of you are offended at this chapter because you don’t believe anyone
should have to “perform” or radically change themselves in order to win the love, affection, or attraction of their mate.

Sadly, this attitude is a reflection of
the “entitlement” mentality that is embedded in our selfish nature and is ripping our nation apart.
And it’s also due to a failure to appreciate the distinction between love and attraction.

             
It’s utter foolishness to think that you can simply demand or expect your spouse to find you sexually attracti
ve no matter how much you weigh, what you look like, how you act, or what you do!