Jumping Off Swings

I
CAN STILL FEEL A TRACE
of his warm lips against mine as he slips away from me and fumbles for the door to his father’s van. I stay lying under the scratchy wool blanket on the backseat, wishing he’d stay. When he slides the door open, the ceiling light blinks on and exposes our faces to each other. His hair is rumpled. His brown eyes avoid mine.

“Thanks, Ellie. See you inside?”

I nod.

He slides the door shut and leaves me in the dark.

Thanks, Ellie.

I sit up and reach under my shirt to reclasp my bra as his shadow makes its way across the lawn and back to the house. He doesn’t turn around.

I find my own way to the door handle and slide the heavy door open again. When the light comes on, I see the crumpled-up wool blanket on the backseat. It’s covered with dog hair, and so is my shirt. I try to brush off the hairs, but they cling to the cotton. I climb out and adjust my clothes in the light, then slide the door shut. I lean against the cool metal and breathe in the clean night air.

Up at the house, indoor lights make the rooms look like they’re glowing. Party noises echo across the lawn. Through the large picture window in the living room, I see him standing with a group of guys. Someone hands him a beer. They throw their heads back, laughing. He joins them. Someone grabs his hand and smells it. He pulls his hand back, but the others try to grab and smell it, too.

I squeeze my legs together.

He pushes his friends away and walks to the window. His face is suddenly serious, looking out at the dark, not seeing me.

I slide my body along the side of the van and hide behind it just in case.

“Ellie?” Corinne’s footsteps hurry down the driveway. “Ellie?” she calls again.

“Over here,” I say quietly.

“There you are! I was worried when you didn’t come in with — Ellie? Are you OK?”

“I don’t feel so well,” I say, making my way to a nearby tree.

She follows. “Do you need to get sick?”

“I think so —” I am already bending over, retching.

Corinne instinctively pulls my hair back.

I retch and retch, but nothing comes out.

When I finally stop, Corinne helps me fix my hair and we find her car.

“You are the only person I know who can throw up without throwing anything up,” she says as she starts the engine. “Jeez. How many drinks did you have, anyway?”

I shrug.

None.

“I keep telling you you’ve got to pace yourself.”

“I know,” I say quietly.

We drive a minute in silence.

“So . . .” She taps her fingers on the steering wheel. “How was it?”

I feel his hand in mine, leading me outside. See his brown eyes staring back at me, then closing as he leans in to kiss me.

“OK.”

“Just OK? But Josh is so cute! I nearly died of jealousy when I saw you disappearing with him. Come on, give me some juice.”

I feel his warm, wet whisper in my ear.

Ellie. Oh, Ellie.

“It was nice at first.”

I lick my lips, remembering how his mouth felt pressed against mine. How his hands rubbed my back.

Your skin is so soft.

My stomach melted at his touch.

“So what happened?”

Let me touch you.

I feel his fingers reaching under my panties and pressing inside me.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Come on! Far? Farther? Or farthest?” She’s smiling as she concentrates on the road.

Thanks, Ellie.

I cross my legs.

“That’s between me and him,” I say.

“You never tell me anything! It’s not fair.”

I look out the window and watch the dark trees on the side of the road. My reflection in the glass stares back at me.

“Are you going to see him again?”

I turn away from my reflection and concentrate on the yellow lines disappearing into the blackness in front of us.

“No,” I say. “It was just a one-time thing.”

“S
O, WAS SHE TOTALLY INTO IT?
” Kyle asks.

“What do you think?” Josh smirks at us as if his new status has elevated him from virgin geek to ultrastud.

My best friend has officially become an asshole.

“Dude, way to hook up on the first try!” Dave high-fives Josh, then gives me a sympathetic look, like “Too bad you’re still a loser, buddy.”

My second best friend has officially joined my best friend in the Asshole Club.

My hands close into fists. If they weren’t talking about Ellie, maybe I wouldn’t mind so much. Maybe that makes me an asshole, too.

“Easy come, easy go,” Josh says.

Dave laughs and elbows Josh. “Cum. Get it?”

They both crack up. Some other guys start to laugh, too.

The locker room is steamy from the showers and smells like a battle is going on between sweat, smelly feet, and wet soap. The soap is losing. I feel like I’m trapped in a lame locker room scene in some made-for-TV movie where all the guys are a bunch of stereotypical pricks.

“Told ya she was a sure thing,” Ben says as he sprays a cloud of deodorant under his arms.

“Yup, all you have to do is get her alone.” Kyle grins and closes his eyes, as if he’s remembering.

“Now we just have to find someone for Special Cay, here,” Dave says, like he’s so experienced. “Maybe you could hook up with her at the next party. She’s obviously not picky if she’d do it with these losers.”

They all laugh, even though the joke is about them. And Ellie. God, I can’t believe it. Ellie was with Ben? And Kyle? And
Josh
? I imagine how good it would feel to beat the crap out of all of them, but I’m obviously outnumbered. Some of them probably have more muscle in one arm than I have in my entire body.

“No, thanks,” I kind of mumble. I start shoving my stuff in my bag.

Dave shrugs and throws his backpack over his shoulder. “See you girls later.”

“Hey, wait up. Can you drop me off?” Josh grabs his bag. He struts after Dave in his new I’m-not-a-virgin-anymore walk.

The rest of the guys follow, leaving me alone in their stench.

I’ve had a crush on Ellie since first grade, when she gave me her red toy Porsche. The doors opened, and you could move the seats back and forth. I still have it on the top shelf of my bookcase behind the set of Narnia books my dad sent me for my sixth birthday. In the card, he promised we’d have a long visit some summer and he’d read the whole series to me. Four years later, I gave up waiting and read them myself.

I shake my head and pick up my bag. I should have known I had about as much of a chance with Ellie as I had of my dad actually fulfilling one of his promises. Why would she pick the pasty, scrawny guy who trips at the sight of her when she could have . . . anyone else?