Junk Miles (29 page)

By the time he’d run me through it three times, I felt like I could do it better, and I nudged him out of the way and applied all he taught me with some variations.

“
Perfect.” He turned his head to me, and the smile on his face was the sun stippling through the trees in the summer, your favorite song blaring on the radio with the windows down, the warm crush of someone you love holding you in his arms…perfect.

And then it disappeared and the temporary reprieve from all the insanity was over. The memories of all that had happened in the last few weeks bulldozed over us, and Jake’s relaxed posture stiffened visibly.

“
Thanks. For your help.” The period was almost over, so I closed out of the program, once again careful not to touch him at all.

“
So, you’re going to the Folly concert tonight?” He arranged his books in an overly neat stack.

“
Yeah. Are you going?” I had to lean across him a little to switch off the monitor, and I could smell the cold, crisp smell that always reminded me of leaves falling off the trees in autumn. How does someone smell like a season?

“
I planned on stopping in after work.” His gray eyes cut over to me. “I guess you’ll be getting a ride from Saxon?”

“
I guess you’ll be giving a ride to Nikki?” I shot back.

“
Nik drives herself.” His voice was hollow.

Of all the crazy things I’d seen and heard and thought, for some reason that one cut me deep, just this idea of him with an independent, older girl. The idea of him with someone who could do things I couldn’t, driving being the least of it. It made no sense, I had no right, but that didn’t stop me from feeling it.

I took a big, shuddery breath, tears so close I could taste them in the back of my nose and throat. Jake’s eyes went from cold-shale-in-the-winter gray to oldest-softest-Henley gray, and, just when I was sure I’d ooze into a liquid puddle of sadness on the floor, the bell I’d waited for all day screamed like a miracle.

This time I broke pattern; I grabbed my things and ran, promising myself the longest, gulpingest, most horrifically sobful cryfest as soon as I got home and stepped into the shower. I just had to hold it together for a half an hour, tops. No problem.

I was already down the long hallway and could see the dim winter light through the dirty window squares in the metal door that I was inches away from exploding through, when I felt a warm hand on my shoulder.

“
Brenna?”

The brakes locked and squealed on all the thoughts rushing through my head, and only one thing propelled full force through the windshield of my sanity.

Jake Kelly
.

I held my eyebrows high on my forehead and puckered my mouth as small as I could to keep the tears at bay.

“
You left your sketchbook.” He backed up and held out my black book, his arms stretched to maintain maximum distance between our bodies.

I held my arms out and grabbed the book on two corners so that not even one finger from one of our hands would brush into one finger of the other’s hand.

“
I’m sorry…” he said.

“
Thank you,” I said at the same time, then we both tangled and clumsily bumped words for another minute until he finally said, “Be quiet, Bren.”

I clapped my jaw shut.

“
You ripped me up.” There was no malice or accusation in his words, and that made it feel like I had swallowed a bear trap. It was just us in the hall with his words stacked between us, naked strong. “I’m probably still not really over you and everything that happened. But I’ve been doing things, saying things that I hoped would hurt you, and that’s dick. That’s a sad-sack excuse for the way I acted, though. You’ll always be someone I care about and admire. So, I’m sorry. If I hurt you, if I made you upset, I’m honestly sorry, Brenna.”

Wait! This was my speech, sucked from under me and pouring out from Jake’s mouth so beautifully, it made my knees buckle.

There was suddenly nothing to say that he hadn’t already said better.

“
I’m sorry,” I tried weakly, embarrassed as soon as I said the woefully inadequate words.

He nodded, already walking backwards, his hands in his pockets, his hat so low over his eyes, I didn’t know if he could see me. He had delivered his message, and there was nothing left to say. He turned on his heel and left me, an inch away from the doors that I didn’t blow through fast enough to avoid the bomb he dropped on me.

I walked outside in a daze, and Saxon was waiting. He put his arm around me and pulled me close.

“
You look like hell. Tonight is officially cancelled.” He led me to the car.

I molded my body to the leather seat and prepared to let the tears fall, but there wasn’t even the prickly promise of a sobfest. I felt lighter, freer.

“
I want to go,” I announced, feeling sure, strong, and hopeful. Scarily, newly hopeful. “If you don’t want to pick me up, tell me, and I’ll find another ride.”

“
If you’re dead set on being an idiot, let me at least have the privilege of driving your Royal Craziness.” He flicked the car stereo on, and we listened to the Celtic girl wail and plead in her faraway voice.

He dropped me off, and I told him I’d text if my mother said no, otherwise he could pick me up at seven. Mom wasn’t even home; I had to text her, and she gave quick permission with a warning to be careful and an encouragement to have fun. I took a long, hot shower, but there were no tears to puff up my eyes or make my throat hoarse. There was only the curious echo of Jake’s words.

I spent a long time getting ready, and since getting ready didn’t take all that long, it meant that I had extra time to put on extra makeup and change into cuter outfits, each tighter and more daring than the last. By the time Saxon knocked on my door I was in a tight, black, short skirt, a black and red Folly shirt, black boots and makeup that was smoky/sexy/dark/alluring when I’d really only aimed to be cute/pretty/made-up/sweet.

“
Holy shit.” Saxon took my hand and spun me, then glanced at the empty house. “Seriously, let’s hit your bedroom. Now.”

I laughed, feeling powerful with all my eyeliner and mascara on. “No! We’re going on a date.”’

He was wearing a tight black t-shirt and dark jeans with black boots. Simple, understated, and sexy as hell. I could smell the sharp cling of his aftershave and that amazing undersmell that was spicy, male, and all Saxon.

I went to the closet to grab my coat and he came too close behind me. When I spun around, I was in his arms.

“
I don’t want to go out,” he said, his mouth at my throat. I backed away. “Don’t. You smell so good. You look so freaking good. Be with me tonight.” When Saxon pleaded my entire body yanked and pulled towards him like an eager puppy on a leash.

“
No.” I stepped away from him. “We’re going out.”

He blocked my path to the front door and escape. “You don’t want to be here with me alone.” His dark eyes went all black, and his words were just bare facts laid out uncomfortably in front of both of us.

“
I want to go out.” I put a hand on his chest, and he took my fingers and squeezed them over his steadily beating heart. “With you, Saxon.”

He closed his eyes and leaned his forehead on mine. “You want to go out with me. You don’t want to
be
with me.” His voice was sandpaper on metal.

“
I want to be with you, but I want to go out. With you.” I squeezed his hand, but he squeezed back so tight and so hard it startled me.

His eyes were clear and black as pitch, deep, hot, molten black. “Don’t talk circles around me, Blix.” He set his mouth in a tight line. “You like me too much to tell me the truth, don’t you? Oh my fucking god, I’ve moved into the damn friend zone.”

“
What are you talking about?” I squeaked, because he was saying things that I knew were true but wasn’t ready to face yet.

He shook his head and tossed his inky hair out of his eyes. The look on his face was a mix of stricken sadness and idiotic amusement. “Nothing.” He cupped a hand under my chin and kissed me on the lips, full and soft and punctuated with the slightest moan. “Let’s get this over with, right?”

Before I could say anything, he yanked my hand, pulling me towards his car in the chilly light.

Chapter Fifteen

Saxon cranked the stereo and grunted at every attempt at conversation I made. By the time we got to the adorable little stone-fronted sushi restaurant, I’d come to the sinking realization that I wasn’t going to be able to enjoy my raw fish.

Saxon wound around the front of the car and opened my door, marched up the steps next to me, grabbed the door to the restaurant and swung it open for me, ducking to avoid the tinkling silver tubes of the windchime that hung too low in the doorway. He strode to the hostess stand, leaned close and spoke low to the girl with the stack of menus, and whatever he said made her giggle and blush. We were led to a cozy corner table in the low-lit, paper-screened side room, but I couldn’t enjoy the quiet elegance. Saxon crossed his arms and scowled at me, but smiled sweetly at the waitress, and ordered tons of the most expensive foods on the menu. He cracked the chopsticks apart and grabbed all the pieces he wanted without asking me if I cared. Not that it was a huge deal, but he ate all the unagi rolls, which were my favorite. He also hogged the wasabi.

“
Is something wrong?” I watched him wolf down the food and never make eye contact with me.

“
Nope.” He took a long gulp out of his water glass and made a face like he’d chugged rotten milk. “Maybe.” He folded his hands on the shiny dark wood table and leaned towards me. He waited for me to lean towards him and said, “I’d kill someone for a bottle of sake. I don’t think the waitress will serve me, though.” He leaned back and smirked. “Not with you here, anyway.”

“
What are you talking about?” I snapped back in my chair and shook my head. “I don’t look
that
young, and you definitely don’t look twenty-one, so forget that.”

“
I didn’t think she’d serve me because I look twenty-one.” He ran a hand through his black hair, and when he flashed me a smile, it was the wolfish one I hadn’t seen in a while. “I have other ways of convincing girls to give me what I want.” His mouth was watering as he anticipated whatever my face might give away; shock, hurt, unhappiness maybe? Knowing exactly what he was thinking, I kept my slack-jawed, narrow-eyed, trembling-chinned facial tics under control and offered him a blank stare. His lips went sulky, but then he leaned over and added, “Well, some girls. Not the cock teases.
You
know what I mean. Right, Blix?”

There were a hundred barbed, nasty things I could say to him, but it was a waste of breath. I stood up and dropped my share for dinner on the table. “I need to use the bathroom. I’ll wait in the lobby for you.”

The side of his mouth twitched, and he scooped the money up and shoved it back at me. “This is a date. I don’t want your money.”

I grabbed the bills, smoothed them out and slammed them back on the table. “You call this a date? This is a mess, and I
insist
on paying my share.”

“
You’re taking responsibilities for your messes now? Refreshing.” He cocked an eyebrow at me.

“
Is there something you want to say to me, Saxon? Because if there is, just say it.” I could hear the dare snapping in my voice.

He stood up so fast he almost knocked his chair onto the floor. “I will, then.” He rushed at me and jabbed his index finger against my breastplate. “I made a fool out of myself over you for
weeks
, and shame the fuck on me, because you were never into this, were you?
Were you
?”

All the air sucked out of my lungs and left me tight and twisted in front of him. “I’m sorry,” I stuttered. His face was so close to mine, I could see his pupils, deeper black than the midnight of his irises. “I’ve been so screwed up, Saxon. I haven’t been fair to you. Or myself. Or anyone.” I couldn’t bring myself to utter Jake’s name, even though he was the one I screwed over the worst. “I was so stupid. I just wasn’t sure about so much, so much was confusing…”

“
I get it,” he bit out, sifting his words through his teeth. He tightened his hands on the back of the chair and shook it on its legs with a frustrated groan. “So I was just someone to waste time with for you, too? Don’t look all stricken. I’ve been that for other girls before. I just didn’t expect it from you. That’s all.”

“
That’s not true! You’re so important to me. How could you think you’re not? That’s the reason why this has been so insane!” I put my hand on his forearm and he snatched it back like he’d been burned. “The fact that I care about you is what started this all!”

“
Important to you?” he sneered, brushing past me. “Important for what? A ride now and then? Someone to run over and check on you when Jake wasn’t paying you any attention?” He was about to walk away from me.

The room felt like it was tilting wildly. “That’s not what you are to me.” I reached out and grabbed onto the side of the table. “Saxon, listen to me. You mean so much to me. Believe me when I tell you that. Please, believe me.”

He whirled around. “Believe you? Why? Because you’ve been so honest up to now? If you want me to believe I mean so much to you, why don’t you prove it?” His lips curled back and he bared his teeth at me.