Just Like Me (33 page)

I ended it. I ended it and he didn’t try to stop me when I grabbed for my bag and flew out the door. He didn’t call me back; he didn’t tell me it was wrong for me to leave him. He didn’t even stop me when I grabbed keys off of his wall and took his bright and shiny SUV. All I could think about was my mother, how she had lied to me. And seeing that Taylor could be capable of the same things…it was enough to send me into a world of hurt. What did he expect me to do, just ignore it? Ignore every sip of alcohol he took even though I knew it would mean nothing but pain for me? No, he’d never hit me. But the endless cycle of hurting and broken promises was just beginning, and I couldn’t allow myself to be subjected to that.

I had almost done it. I was able to see my life as an endless rotation of drunken disappointment. It may not be miserable at first, but it wouldn’t be long until he stumbled in every single night of our life together. I would’ve listened to Taylor’s drunken slur by night, and then sputtered a never-ending cycle of forgiveness by morning. I would watch his life unfold on the T.V. screen and wonder if I needed to call someone to bail him out of jail after a night of intoxicated misconduct. I would wring my hands, helpless, as life continued on without me.

I hardly remember passing into the state of North Carolina. All I felt was grief, betrayal, and anger. I ground into a familiar gravel driveway, not even realizing where I had arrived at first. It was pouring rain as I got out of the SUV and slammed the door shut. I went up to the porch and banged on the door and furiously rang the doorbell.

I heard Nori crying inside. I heard clambering around and finally Abe opened the door.

“Kale?” He opened the door and I stepped inside, dripping wet. I didn’t care. I was numb. I couldn’t feel anything.

My Mom entered the room carrying Nori, who was still crying.

“Kale?” She was still trying to blink herself awake. She looked me up and down, mouth open. “What in the world has happened? What are you doing here?”

“You lied to me.”

“What?”

“You said it was a dream.” I shook my head slightly and my wet hair fell allowed rain water to drip to the floor. “You sat up in my bedroom,” my voice was raised, and I lifted a finger to her accusingly. “In that damn trailer and you lied to me every night. You bandaged up my back and said over and over again that it wasn’t me that got beat, it was you. That the pain I was feeling? It was all just a dream. You told me that every night until the point that I believed it!” My voice broke, and I was crying, again. I had cried enough for a lifetime. I wanted to collapse as I watched Mom’s tears flow freely, tiny gasps escaped her mouth. “You let me think it was you taking all the beatings. That it was you who bled. But it was me. I bled too, Mom. You tried to hide my scars. But these scars? They were too big to hide.”

              I noticed Abe in the corner as he watched the two of us talk. Nothing but mine and my mother’s sobs echoed through the hallway.

“I’m so sorry, K-Kale.” She finally managed to screech. “I just w-wanted what was best for y-you.” She bawled, her hands up to her mouth. “I thought if you had a chance to forget everything that it would be better. If you never knew what happened, if you never believed in it, it would save you. I didn’t want it to be too late.”

“It was already too late!” I screamed. “Why didn’t you leave him?! Why did you keep me there to be beaten bloody?” I felt tears sting my cheeks and fall into my open palms, accusing her of everything in my life being wrong in that moment.

“I wanted to! I wanted to leave! When it got bad, I packed my bags. I was going to be able to leave him, to afford my own life. But then…”

“Then what??”
              “I was going to have
you
.” She broke and melted to the floor. I stood there, shocked. “You were the reason I couldn’t leave him! I couldn’t support you! I couldn’t feed you! I had to stay. And I hoped you’d forgive me one day. For not having the strength to give you up. Please, please?” She was barely able to get the words out through her screams and tears.

I closed my eyes and put a hand against my chest. I could feel everything flaring up in me as I tried to take everything in. I couldn’t understand what had happened within the last twenty-four hours. None of it seemed real.

              She reached for me, but I quickly backed up. I wrenched the front door open and turned my back on my weeping mother. Abe was on the floor now and he tried to comfort her. I didn’t feel it. I put an ice wall around my heart so her sobs couldn’t penetrate my thin skin. I slammed the door behind me and quickly disappeared into the night.

              I wasn’t sure where to go. The only place I could think was back on campus in my dorm room. I couldn’t remember where I had placed my keys. Eventually, I found myself baning on the door to our room, hoping Lisa would open it.

              She did, dressed in pink pajamas and looking like sleep was still trying to drag her down. She let me in and I collapsed onto the floor, unable to contain everything that had happened. Our fight, the alcohol, my father, and my mother. Everything came out in a rush and afterward I apologized over and over again.

              “I’m sorry, Lisa.” I croaked. I didn’t deserve a friend like her. After everything that had happened, everything I had said, I didn’t deserve her sympathy. But I suddenly had no one. She was the only one I could turn to.

“Kale,” She said. She had long ago dropped down on the floor with me and she pulled me into a hug. “It’s ok.” She said over and over again, and she rubbed my back. “It’ll be ok.”

“You were right.” I concluded. “You were right about Taylor. I should have listened to you. You’re my best friend. How could I have been so stupid?” I was lying down on the floor, my head in her lap as she brushed her fingers through my hair.

“I remember when I had my first boyfriend. You remember that? He was an absolute ass, and no matter what you said I didn’t believe you? I thought I knew better? I tried to tell you just like you tried to tell me so long ago. The difference is that you stayed by my side, even if it was a huge mistake. I didn’t do that for you, and I should have. I’m sorry. But I’m here for you now, Kale. I’m here for you. You’ll forgive your mom, too. She could have left the both of you. But she kept you, Kale. And you’re my best friend. What on earth would I do without you? Screw Jett. Who needs him? You don’t.”

“But I
love
him.”

“I know you do. For right now, let’s get you to bed, ok?”

“Ok.”

              I slept.

“We’re going out.”

Lisa announced as she yanked my sheets off of me.

“No.” I mumbled into my pillow.

“It’s been two days since you got out of bed. We’re going out. We need to get your mind off of everything.”

“I don’t drink.”

“I didn’t say you were.”

I let her drag me out of bed and reluctantly got dressed. I didn’t feel like doing anything. Taylor had tried to call me at least fifty times, I never answered. I couldn’t look at my phone. I was thankful he hadn’t shown up. Maybe I had been clear enough with him.

I found myself in the middle of a dance club with Lisa. Lights were flashing all over the place and it took my eyes a while to get adjusted to the tempo of the place. They had marked our hands with X’s to prove we weren’t old enough to drink, and I was thankful I had an excuse to stay away from alcohol.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this.” I muttered.

“It’ll be fine. Stop worrying so much. You need to stop worrying for a while, just think about yourself.”

              I thought that was how I ended up in this mess in the first place.

              We went out and danced on the floor for a long time. I noticed a couple of guys eyeing us for a while from the bar. It took them a couple of songs, but they finally did come over. One took a hold of Lisa, and the other took hold of me. There were brief introductions before they began grinding on us. I kept glancing at Lisa, wondering if Ben knew what she was doing. I felt the definition of uncomfortable as these guys refused to let us out of their sight.

I let the guy grip my body on the dance floor. He rocked me and led me in dances, making sure I kept up with his tempo.

“You drink?” The guy who was with me bellowed. I shook my head and showed him my X. “I’ll grab you a soda.” He yelled, and then disappeared into the crowd. I tried to yell back I didn’t want anything to drink, but it was too late. Before long he was back, a bubbling drink in his hand. I hated soda. “For you.” He murmured.

Oh, what the hell.

The soda didn’t taste good, but then again I wasn’t used to drinking them. The guy was getting really risky with his moves on me, but I found that I wasn’t worried, the club was dark and kind of blurring together. There’s no way paparazzi could see my face in this night club. So I decided to let go for a little while, not care what happened. It’s not like I was Taylor Jett’s girlfriend anymore.

              I remembered vaguely sitting up at a bar, slurping on another drink while the same guy who’d grinded me on the floor passed money over to the bartender. I felt really tired as the guy put a hand around my waist.

“Time to go.” I heard him say. My head didn’t feel connected to my body. The guy slung my arm around his shoulder and I tried to stumble along with him.

“Where’s Lisa? I’m going home?” It felt like my tongue had been stung by a load of bumblebees. The words that came out of my mouth were almost undistinguishable.

“We’ll head to a nice place.” I heard him answer.

              I remembered him opening the front door and shoving me through it. I distinctly felt a wrong vibe shoot through me.

              No. This wasn’t right.

              The guy dragged me over to a vehicle and was tried to get me inside. I mustered as much strength as I could and socked him across the face. That…made him angry.

              “Bitch.” He growled. He put a hand up to my jaw and held it tightly, I yelped in pain. “You’ll pay for that.”

“Stop.” I slurred and tried to push the guy away, but my hands now felt disconnected from my body. He began restraining my shoulders with one arm; the hand belonging to his other arm started pulling at my pants. “Stop!” I tried again, but it was no use, my body wasn’t responding as I tried to push him off.

Suddenly, a large crash sounded and the guy that had pinned me to the car was gone. He had been hurled off of me.

“What the fuck, man??” I heard his unfamiliar voice yell.

“Kale, it’s alright.” I heard a familiar voice whisper in my ear, hands were keeping me from stumbling to the ground.

“Get your own girl. I got her fucked, you didn’t, asshole.”

“You have five seconds to get the hell out of my sight.” I heard the familiar voice snap.

“No! Who the fuck do you think you a-”

The hands helped me sit down as the guy was talking and then I remembered my picture going blurry as the familiar hands left my frame. Whoever it was whirled around and punched the guy square in the nose. The guy went down to the ground. The familiar hands found me again in the dark, and the last thing I remembered was being lifted into his arms.

I woke up with the feeling that my head was three seconds away from exploding. I kept my eyes shut tight, worried light could possibly be sneaking around to make my head feel that much worse. I tried sitting up slowly, but I felt arms hold me back.

“Just stay down, it’s ok.”

              I opened my eyes and Taylor was sitting in a chair beside my bed. I was my dorm room, no sign of Lisa anywhere. He was leaning onto the bed, his elbows rested on the mattress and his hand supported his chin. I blinked hard and hoped it might make some of the pain go away. It was pretty dark in the room.

“Go back to sleep.”

“Wha happened?”

He looked at me cautiously. He sighed and readjusted in his seat. He took his chin out of his hands and then rested them on the bedcover. He examined his finger nails and wouldn’t look at me.

“I found out you were staying back here with Lisa. I knocked here last night and no one answered, so I decided to go looking for you. I happened to find Lisa’s boyfriend instead, it turns out Lisa wasn’t answering him. He had mentioned some place she had talked about going, so we decided to head that way.”

I remembered the funny tasting soda a guy had kept giving to me.

“As we were pulling into the parking lot, I saw two people out in the parking lot.”

I remembered the strobe lights, the dancing, the guy who had kept close to me all night.

“I sped down the street; a bad feeling went through my entire body. I watched as a guy tried to force a girl into his car, and she punched him. It was a good hit, by the way.”

I remembered that I wasn’t able to see hardly anything in the club; I couldn’t get a clear picture of the guy who had spent the night grinding on me.

“As I pulled into the parking lot, I realized that girl was you.” His hands balled up into fists.

I remembered him paying the bartender. I had asked if I was going home.

“I made it through the parking lot as quickly as I could.” His voice had grown quieter and anger melted each word that he spoke.

I remembered being thrown into the parking lot, knowing this wasn’t right. I thought my head had been hurting so bad it was making noise. The guy had had his hands over me. He had me restrained me. He was trying to take my clothes off.

“I ripped him off of you, but he was…upset.”

What the fuck, man??

You have five seconds to get the hell out of my sight.

“I had to punch him in the face; he wasn’t letting me take you. I lifted you up into my arms and carried you out to the car. You kept asking for me, asking where I was at. I tried to tell I was there, but you were so out of it. I didn’t know what else to do, so I took you back here. I called Ben and it turns out Lisa was still inside, she had been drugged as well. He took her to his place to watch after her. When you and I got back here, I was trying to lift you up and take you into the dorm. You fought me at first, I think you were scared. I finally got it through to you that it was me. You clutched on to me then and you cried, and I took you inside. I put you in bed and you still wouldn’t let go of me. You said you wanted to be back home. When I went to leave, you clutched on to me and asked me to stay. So, I stayed. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you, Kale.” He finally finished.

              I wasn’t sure what to say. What could I say? He’d saved me. I’d been irrational and thoughtless taking a drink from a complete stranger. Despite everything, Taylor was the one who had pulled me back from my own stupidity. He was the one who pulled me out of the water when I was beginning to drown.

“Thank-you.” I choked, trying to keep the tears backs. “There’s no telling what would have happened if you hadn’t-” I couldn’t finish that thought. I looked into his face and by his expression I knew I had conveyed my gratitude.

“What made you come?”

“Your mother called me.” He murmured. “She was worried.” He then gripped the side of my bed and I saw anger color his face. His knuckles turned white. “Kale, she…she told me. Everything.” I swallowed. He licked his lips, and then caught hold of my hand. “Kale, I would never do that to you. I would never hurt you like that.”

“But you did hurt me. Taylor…” I trailed off, unsure of what to say.

“Ok.” He held his hands up, as if trying to catch his breath. “Please, let me say something. I let you walk out that door, walk out of my life. I had done something stupid. Well, multiple things, actually. Never for a moment did I think that a drink meant more to me than you.” He pointed at the door. “I let you walk out that door because you were better than me. And I didn’t want to cause you pain, to make you unhappy. I couldn’t take the hurt on your face. But I’m not going there anymore, Kale. I’m done. You’re everything to me and you’re worth so much more to me than a short-lived high. You’re a constant high. You saw me, Kale. Not as Taylor Jett, the movie actor. Taylor Jett, the superstar. Taylor Jett, the hot guy. You
saw me
. The real me. And when I’m around you? I’m not an actor or a celebrity, no. I’m me. You’ve given me the greatest gift of just allowing me to be myself. And for that, I could never let you go.” He paused and shook his head. “I don’t want to let you go.”

              He pleaded with his eyes and begged me to understand.

              I was proud that he was doing the right thing. But at the same time, I didn’t think I could allow myself to
feel
like that again. The torment, the drama, the broken heart. I had had enough.

“I forgive you, Taylor.” I whispered. He breathed a sigh of relief and clutched my hands in his. “But I can’t…I can’t…”

              I couldn’t finish because tears threatened to spill out.

“You can’t be with me?” He finished for me.
              I nodded my head. My heart was ripping apart. He meant everything to me. But with everything there comes pain. With everything there comes suffering. And not a day would go by when I wouldn’t wonder if there was a bottle in his pocket.

“Ok.” He finally said and he quickly released my hands. “I…I should go.”

              And it was me letting him walk out the door, this time. This time, I let him walk out of my life. And this time I was supposed to be the one to chase after him. But I didn’t. I turned over on my bed and cried for everything I had lost, but I also cried for everything that I had gained.