Kelly's Quest (NYC LOVE Book 2) (20 page)
Read Kelly's Quest (NYC LOVE Book 2) Online
Authors: Jennifer Ann
My eyes grow wide. “You mean like a threesome?”
“That, or just having relations with two men over the same time period.”
“No threesomes. I was out with Theo the first time I had sex with Erik behind the bar. We weren’t officially dating yet, though. We were just hanging with my friend Jewels and her boyfriend. Does that count?”
“Behind the bar?”
I shrug sheepishly. “In the alley.”
Jean stops to write something on her little notepad for the first time since I came in the room. “Do you have sex in public often?”
“No way. It was my first time. What are you writing? Did I flunk some kind of sex test?”
“There aren’t any tests, Kelly. There
are
warning signs, things that would make me believe that you are, in fact, addicted. The impulsive sex does seem disconcerting, though it doesn’t seem the idea of sex has interrupted your daily life.” She leans back in her chair, studying me. “Tell me about the time you lost your virginity.”
My chest grows tight, and the tears finally break free. “It’s not something I’m proud of.”
Jean hands me a box of tissues. “I’m not here to judge, Kelly. I want to help you understand your actions. I want to help you feel better about yourself, and get you back on the right track.”
“Okay.” I take a long, stuttering breath and wipe at my tears with a tissue. “It was the summer before my junior year of high school. I went with a big group of friends to the house of some guy we knew who was home from college. There was a shit-ton of booze. I had only met the guy throwing the party a few times before. He was nice and everything, but I wasn’t attracted to him. At all. Me and my friends were acting like a bunch of idiots, doing a ton of shots and drinking everything in sight. I blacked out some time in the night. The next thing I remember is waking up in bed next to the guy who threw the party. We were both naked. I knew we had sex right away because there was a dull pain between my legs. I was mortified. I always thought I’d lose my virginity to a boyfriend, and not during some random one night stand thing when I couldn’t even remember doing it.”
“What did this older man have to say?”
“I don’t really remember. It was like I was stuck in some kind of nightmare. I think he said something about having a good time. I got the hell out of there and went out of my way to avoid having to see him ever again. I was so fucking embarrassed.”
“Did you tell your parents what happened?”
I laugh loudly. “Are you kidding me? My mom probably would’ve taken me in for an exorcism if I did. My sister, Sarah, took me to the clinic for birth control when I told her I was having sex my senior year. My mom didn’t know I was having sex until she found out about the married guy. I didn’t think she’d ever speak to me again up until they came out a few days ago. I don’t know what changed, but she kept going on about how sorry she was that she didn’t believe me when I swore I didn’t know there was a sick wife.”
“Did you tell Sarah or any of your other sisters how you lost your virginity?”
“I didn’t tell anyone. The only ones who knew were my friends there that night. Half of them were too messed up to really know what happened.”
“When was the next time you had sex?”
“A few weeks later. I knew the next guy, though. We had been going to school together since elementary. He was one of the most popular guys in our grade and all the girls were dying to hook up with him.”
“Was he your boyfriend?” Jean asks, crossing her legs and tilting her head.
“No. I haven’t really had a lot of boyfriends, and I’ve never been in love. I want to, though. It’s one of the reasons I want to stop having meaningless sex with random guys. I want to make myself wait until I’m in love for once…if that’s possible.”
“Why do you think you kept having ‘meaningless sex’ after the night you lost your virginity?”
“The first time it was because I wanted to experience it when I wasn’t blacked out. The classmate I slept with had been with a lot of girls and really knew what he was doing. I loved it. We hooked up again once during our senior year. Other than that, I would sleep with guys I met at parties and concerts. At one point it was my goal to find the hottest guy in the room and sleep with him. Once I started college I was comfortable having sex for fun without the complication of a relationship. The married guy was the first time in years I considered having an actual
boyfriend
.”
“And then you came to New York, vowing to change your ways.”
“Basically, yeah.”
“What do you get out of sex, Kelly?”
“I don’t know. I guess it takes me to a place where I don’t have to think, I just feel good.” I ball the damp tissue in my hand, waiting for Jean to tell me I’m every bit as screwed up as I think. “I just love it when a guy really
wants
me that way, you know?”
She sets her notebook down on the ottoman beside her and leans over her lap with her arms crossed. “Kelly, have you ever considered what happened the night you lost your virginity was a form of rape?”
I blink several times before asking, “
What
?”
“It’s considered ‘date rape’ when someone you know has sex with you, without your permission.”
“For all I know, I told him it was okay.” I shake my head. “I was so drunk I probably would’ve agreed to get a tattoo on my face.”
“That’s not an excuse. When you’re intoxicated to that degree, even if you drank willingly, you weren’t responsible. And this man was older than you. What he did was also likely considered statutory rape.”
I balk at her, unable to process what she’s saying. Wordlessly, she hands me another tissue. I didn’t even realize I had started crying again.
“I’m normally not much of a crier,” I say with a peaked laugh, dabbing at my eyes.
“That’s because you seem to be a strong young woman, Kelly. By no means are we done with these sessions, but I’m starting to get a good handle on what’s going on in your head. It appears sex with Erik took you to a place where you could avoid your feelings. You felt pleasure while doing it, then guilt and shame came afterwards. It seems to me that you’ve conditioned yourself to want sex with attractive men while somewhere denying yourself the chance to have a real relationship. What we need to work on now is finding a way to break that cycle.”
“So I’m fixable?”
Jean laughs, giving me another one of her genuine smiles. “Yes, Kelly, I think you’re quite ‘fixable.’ It’ll take some time, and we’re going to have to set some boundaries on any relationships you want to try in the future. First thing I want to do is focus on getting you back on your feet and making you confident. The fact that you’re here and you’ve recognized your sexual activity isn’t healthy is already a huge step.”
My head swarms with her revelations as she stands. I bolt to my feet and crush her with a hug. “Thanks for listening to me. I know it’s your job and everything, but…just…
thank you
.”
She laughs quietly and pats my back. I’m sure I’ve violated some kind of doctor/patient rule, but for the first time in months, I don’t feel completely broken.
FOURTEEN
The first day of fall
, I move into the apartment above Flanagan’s just in time for Adam’s cousin Davis to take over my spot in Jewels and Adam’s guest room. It only takes two trips up the rickety old stairs by Jewels, Adam, Chloe, Davis, and myself since my new room is so small, forcing me to leave a few boxes with Jewels until I can find a bigger place.
I don’t have time to unpack before starting my very first shift as a waitress. Dressed in leggings and a v-neck t-shirt with the bar’s name on the back, my hair slicked into a high ponytail, I cross my arms as I appreciate the room. There’s a faint odor of mildew lingering from a burst pipe that once ruined the ceiling, otherwise it’s suitable for my needs. With the quilt my grandma made before she passed away and some framed pictures of me with Jewels from college, it actually feels cozy. Maybe I can find a chair small enough to jam in the corner for times I actually find a moment to read. I feel a rush of pride knowing that I’ll be making my way without relying on anyone else’s generosity.
I’m thrilled when I discover Mick and a sprite-looking little thing named Stella have been tasked with the job of training me in. They’re both astoundingly patient with my limited knowledge. By two a.m. I’m keeping up with them, and hardly ever need to ask for help.
The next few weeks go pretty much the same, burning through the long days of September until they’re just a distant memory. I work long shifts until the bar closes at ungodly hours, sleeping half the following days away before a long run through Central Park, a quick shower that leaves my new roommates, Felicity and Avery, ample hot water, either a visit with Jewels and Chloe if their schedules allow for it or an appointment with Jean, then back to work.
There’s hardly any time to ponder if Theo’s ever thinking about me, or if he’s moved on to someone else, though I do run through Central Park the same hours he normally goes in hopes of crossing paths. I’m plagued with disappointment each time I visit Jewels at her place and he’s not there.
No matter how much time has passed since the night Theo kissed me, it’s still so fresh that memories of the way his lips felt and the taste of his tongue come rushing back at the most unexpected of times. I sometimes catch myself running my fingers across my lips whenever I think of him—which turns out to be quite often. I didn’t realize how ruthlessly hard I had fallen for him until he walked out of my life.
I run into Erik one time as he’s leaving a coffee shop. It’s awkward as hell, resulting in stiff smiles and very few words. My heart pounds whenever his steely gaze meets with mine. Though he looks considerably well, I’m relieved to say I don’t feel the aching need to pull him into the nearest building and break the progress I’ve made with Jean. It seems there’s something else he wants to say to me, but he final mumbles something about having to go and lifts his hand to his side in a final goodbye.
Oddly enough, without Theo and Erik in my life, my sexual urges are close to null. I took the new vibrator from Erik’s apartment when I left without bothering to replace it. Jean encouraged me to masturbate on a regular basis, or whenever I felt the need for a release. She went into detail when explaining how orgasms are beneficial to a woman’s health, and that I shouldn’t feel any displaced feelings when doing it, other than simple pleasure. I was quick to let her know I got the gist of her lecture. It was like listening to my mom all over again when she explained safe sex to me as a teen. The feel of something electric bringing me to orgasm is far from the satisfaction I get from a man. Still, I don’t spend as much time thinking about sex as I had in the past.
Jean also encourages me to set boundaries with the other men in my life who could be a potential sexual partner. I was quick to let Mick know after he seemed to be flirting the first couple of days that I won’t let anything come between us as it may jeopardize my job. Although he claimed to be heartbroken, he proceeded to give me what he called a “nuggie” on top of my head, and said I’d be more fun as a younger sister he could pick on. From that point on, it became easier to be around him without worrying that our flirting has gone too far.
Early November, Chloe finally gets her own station at the tattoo shop. It’s only the second time I’ve asked for a night off—the other in October to stay with Jewels when Adam was hospitalized overnight with an infection from his new insulin pump. Tess doesn’t even bat an eye when I ask off. Instead she compliments me on how hard I’ve been working, and says she thinks the bar has gained a following of new male customers since I started.
Our now tight group of friends gathers at a brand new club in SoHo to celebrate Chloe’s accomplishment, proceeding to blow what little “fun money” I’ve stashed away for the month. I’ve come to terms with just how expensive living in this exciting city can be, and I’m improving on my budgeting skills. Still, it’s sometimes difficult when I’m constantly trying to keep up with Jewels’s rich boyfriend, and Chloe, who works enough jobs to make decent money.
Until tonight it’s been relatively easy not to let my sexual inhibitions dissolve with liquor, as Jean suggested. I’ve been working nearly every single night straight, and Tess is strict about no drinking on the job, even if the customers buy me one—which happens all the freaking time. It’s been a fine line between keeping my sexuality in check, and dressing the part to get outstanding tips.
Far too many drinks and shots of tequila later, I search the club until I find Chloe chatting it up with a heavily tattooed bunch, two of whom are her bandmates, and another I recognize from the tattoo shop. I come at Chloe with my arms extended, my purse tucked under my armpit. “Give me a hug, baby girl. I gotta head out. I’ve spent my limit in booze
and
money.”
Chloe holds her hands up like a traffic cop, stopping me. Her button-sized eyes swarm, trying to focus. “Nuh-uh. Your fabulous ass isn’t leaving this party yet, miss
thing
. Lexie wants to take us to see
strippers
! You can’t miss it when you’re dressed like that! I know you’re struggling to stay away from the guys, but sweetheart, have you
seen
yourself tonight?”
I roll my eyes. The snug halter dress was a bargain Jewels and I found at a second-hand shop on a trip to Jersey. It’s cut very low in the front, and barely covers my ass. Jewels insisted I buy it, saying the pale color make me look tan. It's the first time I’ve dressed like my old self in months. “No strippers for me. I traded an earlier shift with Stella tomorrow so I could come hang with you tonight.” I push her arms down so I can crush her to me. “I can’t wait for you to pop my tattoo cherry!”
A few of the guys beside us snicker. Chloe’s hands trail down my butt, stopping to tug my hemline down as far as it will go before releasing me. “You know I love ya, chica, but you gotta keep that juicy ass covered up if you don’t want to attract the men. You got money for a cab? I sure hope you’re not planning to take the subway alone.”
“Yeah, I’ve got it,” I insist, bending down to kiss her cheek. I slip a $20 bill between her exposed breasts. “Get yourself a lap dance.”
Beckett, the hot bassist from her band who’s pretty full of himself, loops his arm around Chloe’s shoulders. “I’ll give you one for free, baby. Those guys ain’t got nuthin’ on me.”
Chloe looks highly amused by the gesture, so I wave goodbye, leaving her to flirt. Since Jewels and Adam left over an hour ago, I make my way solo to the exit through the never-ending sea of sweaty bodies jumping in lazy synchronicity to a techno remake of Justin Timberlake’s latest tune. Getting tussled around doesn’t bother me the way it once would, when I was afraid I’d lose myself if a guy were to touch me in a suggestive way. I barely flinch when someone’s fingers graze across the back of my arm.
“Cavenaugh?”
I become completely unglued with the sound of the his voice. Holding a hand out at my side to steady myself, I take my time turning around, knowing damn well what the sight of his dark eyebrows and sexy green eyes will do to my well-being.
I wish I could say he looks distraught or lovesick when our eyes meet, but in fact, I don’t think Theo’s ever looked better. He’s almost unrecognizable with hair longer than usual, grown out just enough that I could slip my fingers through it and hold him to me. There’s a healthy glow to his face, and I can’t stop staring at his damn lips now that I know what they’re capable of. The dark gray t-shirt he wears beneath a thin leather jacket showcases the ridges of his muscular chest and stomach. When I steal a glance down, I’m thrown off by the delectable way his tight jeans show off his toned legs. In all the time we spent together, he was always wearing shorts.
Autumn dressed Theo is even hotter than the guy I spent half the summer lusting over. But my feelings for him have evolved light years beyond lust—he’s also a valued friend. Until seeing him in the flesh, I wasn’t aware of just how much I’ve missed him, or how ruthlessly deep the ache went. My chest twinges painfully.
“Theo! You look…great.” I try to hide the longing in my voice as I feign a smile. “I love your hair.”
His eyes lock on my cleavage, and he presses his lips together. “Wow.” It seems to take him forever to finally meet my gaze. “You look amazing in that dress.”
“Thanks. I was here celebrating with Adam and Jewels. Chloe finally got her own booth at the shop.”
He nods. “So I heard. I sent her a gift.”
It didn’t occur to me how it may hurt him to stop hanging out with Jewels and Adam times like this, though there have been plenty of nights when I was working that he could still get together with them.
For a moment we stare at each other, unsure what to say. The fact that he hasn’t smiled yet makes me uneasy. If it weren’t for the glimpse of longing I catch in his eyes, I’d think he was
annoyed
to see me.
I finally turn to the side, ready to bolt. “So it was good seeing you again. I gotta head out. I work an early shift tomorrow.”
He grabs my arm. “Wait! Who are you leaving with?”
A white-hot surge flares through me from his touch, jumpstarting my already precarious heart. I set my hands on my chest, trying to breathe normally. “It’s just me. Adam and Jewels already left, and the others are staying.”
Frowning, he leans in to the guy closest to him and says something before tipping his head towards the exit. “Let’s go. I’m taking you home.”
“
Theo.
It’s
fine
. Seriously. I’m taking a cab.”
“Cavenaugh, I’m going with whether you walk on your own will, or I have to take you over my shoulder and haul your stubborn ass out of here.” I see a brief flash of the fun guy I fell for when he finally smiles. “Your choice.”
“Fine,” I grumble. “Let’s go.”
His hand rests on the small of my back as we weave our way out to the street, making my heart skip like crazy. When we reach the curb, he taps out something on his iPhone. “My driver will be here in a few minutes.”
“For the record, I would’ve been perfectly safe in a cab.” I cross my arms, suddenly wishing my dress wasn’t quite so low. His partially hooded eyes keep flickering back to my breasts, stirring the passion I’ve worked so hard to keep at bay. “I’ve managed to survive the last couple months without you taking care of me.”
“You should’ve put more thought into what you were going to wear tonight...unless you weren’t planning to go home alone.”
I flex my jaw, stopping myself before I blow up. “You mean if I was going to hook up with some random guy?”
“
What
?” His eyes flash wide. “No! I meant if you weren’t going to catch a ride with Jewels and Adam! I don’t like the idea of strangers ogling you when you’re all alone.”
As my face grows hot, I wish there was something I could hide behind. Once again, I jumped to the kind of conclusion Jean is attempting to help me shatter. It’s as if I can feel
months
of progress slipping out from between my fingers from only spending a few minutes with Theo. “They don’t exactly live in my neighborhood. It wouldn’t make sense for us to share a ride.”
We both pause to peer out into the busy street. Cars whiz by, honking and changing lanes, while pedestrians wait in hordes at the crosswalks. I can always count on New York to be animated, encouraging me to move forward rather than dwelling on the past. I don’t imagine the sight of everything all lit up at night will grow old, and can’t wait to see the transformation once the Christmas celebrations begin. Chloe warned us the city can have brutal winters once the wind comes whipping off the water, however. I shiver with the thought.
“You cold?” Theo asks. He removes his jacket before I can tell him otherwise, so I accept it gracefully. When he places it on my shoulders, the scent of leather and Theo envelop me like a warm burrito of pheromones, dampening my underwear. The sight of his toned forearms out in the open don’t help any, either.
I have Jean on speed dial, and seriously consider finding an excuse to break away and call her. Then I hear Mick’s voice telling me only I can control my own destiny and decide against it.
I can handle this on my own
.
I study Theo’s stunning side profile, anxiously wondering if I’ll ever see him again after tonight. Now’s my chance to make things right. Who knows if I’ll ever have this kind of opportunity again?
“I got that bartending job I mentioned. I’m living in the apartment above the bar.”
“Adam told me. Congratulations.” The lopsided grin he gives me does nothing to cool me down. “I’m glad to hear things are going well for you.” He looks down to check his watch.
Although I’m suddenly worried he’s eager for his driver to come pick us up and end the torture, my body’s alive, still buzzing from his grin. “Did he tell you I started seeing a psychologist too? She’s been really helpful.” I swallow several times, my throat suddenly bone dry. “And I haven’t been with anyone since you kissed me.”
His head snaps in my direction. “Really?”
Is that disbelief I hear? Or is it my self-doubt creeping in?