Kendra (19 page)

I get to school even earlier than I did yesterday because today I really don’t wanna see anybody. I couldn’t hardly sleep last night thinking about everything that happened yesterday and all those kids that were out there watching the fight and not caring if Adonna ended up killing me. It’s embarrassing that everybody saw that—me and her being family and fighting like that.

At least I don’t have to worry about seeing
her
today. I wish she was suspended for the rest of the year. It’s not fair that I’m gonna have to see her again next week when I’m already gonna be worried about passing my finals and stuff.

The school is just about empty except for the security guards and a couple of teachers and office people walking around on the first floor. Upstairs, the hall where my locker is at is completely empty, not even one person on the floor. I grab what I need from my locker and slam it shut real fast. Then as I head down the hall, I hear, “Kendra.”

I know it’s him, but I don’t stop walking for a second. Matter of fact, I speed up a little bit.

“Kendra,” he says again. “C’mon, let me talk to you for a second.”

I turn the corner without looking back and see the bathroom down the hall. That’s where I’m headed because I know he can’t follow me in there.

Then I hear Nashawn call out, “Babe!”

And that gets me to stop. I put my hands on my hips and turn around. “Don’t call me that!” I yell. “Who even told you about that?”

He keeps walking toward me, and his face has that smirk and he’s so cute, but I’m trying not to notice that anymore.

“I was there on Saturday, remember?” he says. “I heard your father calling you that when you left his truck, but you were
gone
.”

I put my head down. Man, I feel stupid. I mean, what was he thinking when he saw me just run into the building like that? And what did him and Adonna say to each other after I left, before she came upstairs and tried to make me feel bad because she got him and I didn’t?

No matter what, I can’t stop and talk to him now because I already know what he wants and now, with the school practically empty and everything, I know if I let him start talking to me here, we’re gonna end up someplace together and I can’t anymore. He made his decision already, and even though Adonna don’t deserve for me to look out for her, not after what she did to me, still I’m not gonna go behind her back anymore. I’m not gonna be like that.

So I turn back around and keep walking and try not to
listen to Nashawn, who’s following me, saying stuff like, “I just wanna talk to you. C’mon, all I need is, like, a minute.”

I get to the bathroom, which is dirty even at this time of the morning. The toilets aren’t flushed and there’s toilet paper and stuff all over the floor. Like, don’t they ever clean this place? Personally, I don’t even know how girls could be so nasty.

And even though it’s not the best place in the world to have to wait, I stay there for about fifteen minutes, ’til I hear more kids start to fill up the halls. When I go back out, I don’t see Nashawn, so I go straight to homeroom, hoping he won’t pop outta nowhere again. And he don’t, thank God.

Mara’s in homeroom, looking through her bio study guide, the one I never opened even once. I slide into my seat across from her.

“Studying?” I ask.

“Kendra!” She smiles at me all big. “You’re here early.”

“You, too.”

“My mom was making me crazy this morning,” she says, shaking her head. “All we ever do is argue.”

“What about?”

She shrugs. “Nothing. Just everything, you know?”

I nod. “I moved in with, um, my mother on Saturday.”

“That’s what you wanted, right?”

“Yeah,” I say, and can’t help but sigh because it feels like there’s a lot inside me that I don’t know how to talk about. It’s like everything is heavy and confusing. I mean, I feel bad that Mara and her mom are always fighting, but at least it’s something. They’re talking. Me and Renée don’t really have a whole lot to say to each other at all. It’s like we had that one talk for a few minutes and now that’s it. We’re done.

“Were you sick yesterday?” I ask her.

“Cramps,” she says.

I make a face. “I know what that’s like.” Not that Nana would ever let me stay home for that. She would give me a whole lecture about how I’d better get used to it because when I get a job, no way is my boss gonna let me stay home every month.

Two girls come into the classroom and both of them stare at me, not even trying to hide it. One of them, Brenda, kinda shakes her head, and I can’t tell if she feels sorry for me or thinks I was wrong to rip off Adonna’s weave like that. Either way, I just hope the whole day isn’t gonna be like this.

“What’s going on?” Mara whispers to me when Brenda and Tyesha sit down in their seats on the other side of the room. “Did something happen that I don’t know about?”

I nod. Mara missed a lot yesterday.

“Tell me,” she says.

I turn back and see that they’re both still looking at me. I shake my head and whisper back to Mara, “At lunch, okay? I’m gonna stay in Mr. Melendez’s classroom because I can’t deal with the cafeteria anymore.”

“Alright,” she says. “I’ll stay with you, then.”

I smile a little bit because I need to talk to somebody. And it looks like Mara’s the only one I have left.

Mr. Melendez don’t even seem surprised when both me and Mara ask him if we can stay in his classroom for lunch. “Okay,” he says, looking at us, trying to figure out what’s going on. “I’m
sure there’s a good reason why you don’t want to go to the cafeteria—right, Kendra?”

I nod.

“Well, you know the rules. Lock the door if you decide to leave.”

“Thanks, Mr. Melendez.”

When he’s gone, Mara takes two Snickers bars outta her backpack and hands one to me. “Here’s lunch,” she says.

“Thanks.” I open the wrapper real slow, trying to think of a good way to start talking to her. It’s not easy. And I know I’m gonna come off looking real bad even though I didn’t want any of this to happen. Not this way, anyway.

So we eat for a little while without talking, and Mara’s so sweet she don’t even push me to talk. She waits for me. And I like that.

I’m about halfway done with my Snickers when I finally say, “You know that guy, Nashawn? He’s a junior.”

“Of course,” she says. “He’s so cute!” She giggles, then covers her face with her hands.

“He is,” I say. “And his locker is right next to mine.”

“Lucky.”

I take a deep breath. “Me and him hooked up a few times.”

Mara’s eyes get wider, but I see her try to look like she’s not surprised. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. It wasn’t anything, really. Just, you know, sex. He really likes Adonna, and she’s really into him, too.”

“Then why did you…? I mean—”

“I know,” I say, looking down at the desk. “I just can’t really explain, you know? I was going through a lot of stuff and it just happened the first time. Then, I don’t know, it happened again,
and I didn’t know how to stop it. Or if I really wanted to. Even though I knew it was wrong.” I get tears in my eyes, but I try to blink them away. “Then he went out with Adonna and they looked all happy and everything. So I told Adonna, which was stupid, I know.” The blinking isn’t working and I have to wipe my eyes. “And then yesterday she started a fight with me in front of the whole school and—” I shake my head. “It was bad.”

“I heard about the fight,” Mara says. “These girls in English were talking about it. But they didn’t know what it was about.”

I pick my head up. “I know I did the wrong thing, but Adonna never should have started a fight. Especially at school. I mean, we’re family and she’s not supposed to bring family business to school.”

Mara nods, but she kinda looks like she might not agree with what I’m saying. She’s just trying to be a good friend.

“I feel so stupid,” I say. “Nashawn was just using me and I should have known better, you know? And now the two of them are together and I don’t have anybody.”

Mara grabs ahold of one of my hands, and I keep trying not to cry. But all I can think about is Nashawn and Adonna being together and how she won. Not only did she get the guy she really wanted, she’s always gonna know that he picked her over me. That I couldn’t hold on to him. That she’s better than me. Like she always knew she was. And it hurts to be this stupid.

Finally, Mara says, “You could have told me this before, you know. I wouldn’t have said anything to anyone, and I could have helped you out. So you wouldn’t feel so alone.”

I nod and wipe my eyes again. “I know, but, you know, I
just didn’t want you to think I was like that with guys, because I’m not. I mean, I never did anything like that before.”

Mara nods and looks at me like she’s really trying to understand me. “I know me and you aren’t as close as you and Adonna are, or at least
were
, but to me, you’re my friend, and you can tell me anything. Okay?”

“Okay,” I say, trying to smile through my tears. It does feel kinda good to hear her say that, too. Mara’s pretty cool. I don’t know why me and her never got to be real close, like outside of school and everything. Probably because I always had Adonna for that. For everything.

Me and Mara change the subject and start talking about the volunteer thing Mr. Melendez told us about. Mara tells me her mother don’t want her to do it. She wants to send her down south like she does every summer. “She doesn’t want me and my little sister to stay home all day while she’s at work. But I don’t see why she can’t send Nya without me. I’m in high school now.”

“I think it would be fun working on the production,” I say. “But I haven’t asked Renée yet.” Not that she’s gonna mind. Most likely she wouldn’t even care what I did. “Anyway, it’s hard to think of summer when we still have to get through finals.”

“Let’s study together over the weekend,” Mara says. “You can come over to my house. You can even spend the night if you want.”

Renée would probably like that, I think. That way she’d get to have Gerard stay over.

“I’ll ask Renée,” I tell Mara. “That would be fun, though.”

All of a sudden I’m feeling a whole lot better.

And that’s when the door opens, and when I look over I see Nashawn standing there looking right at me. “I been searching all over the school for you,” he said, “and I finally figured out where you were hiding.”

Seeing him in the doorway looking at me like that, I can’t help but feel a little nervous, a little weak. The way his eyes are just kinda focused on me the same way they did when we were alone together at his house, I can’t help but feel like maybe that look actually means something this time. It’s not smart—I know that—but if I was here alone and he was looking at me like that, I know I could get talked into anything in a second.

But I’m not alone. Mara’s here. And when I look over at her, her arms are crossed in front of her and she’s giving Nashawn the evil eye.

“Kendra doesn’t have anything to say to you,” she says, real blunt. “So keep stepping.”

And all I’m thinking is, thank God Mara is here to protect me…from myself.

But Nashawn don’t listen to Mara, and he don’t let her attitude stop him for a second. He comes right into the classroom, and when he turns around to close the door, me and Mara glance at each other and I try to tell her with my eyes how much I don’t want him in here in with us. Mara nods like she understands, and that makes me feel a little more comfortable because I know she’s not gonna leave my side. And no way am I gonna end up doing anything with him.

As Nashawn walks toward me, it’s hard to look at him and not focus on his body, those muscular shoulders and his stomach and the way it felt to touch him without his shirt on. I shake my head and try not to think about any of that, but it’s not easy. I mean, it’s been like, what, two seconds? And look at me. I’m already all hot for him again.

Nashawn sits down at the desk right next to mine. “Are you finally gonna let me talk to you?” he asks, leaning even closer to me.

And the closer he gets, the more I feel my heart racing faster and faster.

I wanna tell him no, that there’s nothing I wanna hear from him, but then I look in those deep brown eyes and I forget what I was gonna say.

Good thing Mara is there. She jumps right in with, “Well, she doesn’t wanna talk to you. How many times does she have to say that? Huh?” And she has the right tone of voice, too, like she’s not playing.

Nashawn sits back in his chair and even folds his hand like he’s a good boy, but he still has that half smile on his face, and it’s really making me crazy. I force myself to look away from him because, really, his lips look so good, if Mara wasn’t there, I would be all over them right now.

So I go back to eating my Snickers bar, and Mara starts talking to me again, trying to pick up our conversation where we left off, like Nashawn isn’t even there. “What kind of movies do you like?” she asks me. “Because when we’re finished studying, we can watch some of my DVDs.”

“I like funny movies,” I say. “And romantic movies, with cute guys, of course!” I start laughing, maybe a little too much. But Nashawn needs to know that I have plans of my own this weekend. I’m not gonna be sitting at home thinking of him while he’s probably out on another date with Adonna.

Mara giggles, too. “We’re gonna have fun.”

“Yeah,” I said. “We might even do some studying!”

Me and Mara go on and on for a little while longer, but even without turning back to see Nashawn, I know he’s still looking at me. Staring at me. It’s making me feel kinda
uncomfortable because I know he’s probably thinking all kinda dirty things about me. But at the same time, it makes me feel kinda good, too, that he still wants me like that.

Finally, I can’t take it anymore, and I do end up looking over at him again. And yes, he been staring right at me. “What do you want?” I ask him.

“To talk to you,” he says, sitting up straight, with his hands still folded. “That’s all I want.”

“Fine,” I say, wondering why he has to be so cute. It’s not fair. “Talk, then.”

“Alone,” he says, glancing over to Mara. “Me and you. Alone. Talking.”

I look over at Mara, who shakes her head and mouths, “No way.”

When I turn back to Nashawn, I don’t know if it’s just what I want or if it’s real, but he looks like he’s telling the truth. Maybe he does just wanna talk to me. Maybe I owe it to him to at least listen.

For a few seconds I really don’t know what to do. I know I wanna be with him, but no, I can’t keep setting myself up to be hurt. But if he only wants to talk…

Finally, I turn to Mara. “Me and Nashawn are gonna go next door to the theater so we can talk. If I’m not back in five minutes, then come and get me.”

Mara don’t look all that happy about my decision, but she nods, anyway. Then she gives Nashawn a don’t-try-anything-with-my-friend look and it’s kinda scary, too. I really like that girl!

I still have the key to the theater, and when me and Nashawn get inside, it’s dark and seems even more empty now that the set is gone from the stage. Automatically, we both head straight for the dressing room, just like before. I’m not sure why, really, but I know we can talk in private there.

The second Nashawn closes the door behind us and we’re in the dark, all I can think about is everything that happened here. And before I can even get a word out, Nashawn’s lips are on mine and we’re kissing up against the door. I’m surprised and not surprised at the same time. Because deep down I knew this was gonna happen. I knew this was what I wanted.

“I missed you,” Nashawn says, kissing me on the neck and the side of my face.

I put my hands on both sides of his face and bring his lips back up to mine.
I missed you, too
, I wanna tell him.
You don’t even know how much
.

Being here with him, it’s hard to even think, much less keep time. I just let myself go, and without a doubt, I would do whatever he wants right now. But the thing is, something’s different this time. Me and him are kissing, his tongue deep in my mouth, one of his hands on my waist, but he’s not trying anything more. He’s not trying to take off any of my clothes and he’s not trying to get me on the couch.

And I’m confused. I pull away from him, and since my eyes are adjusting to the darkness, I can see the surprised look on his face. “What’s wrong?” he asks.

“We’re supposed to be talking, remember?”

“I think we wasted too much time,” he says, kissing me on the cheek a couple of times. “Let’s talk after school. Meet me at the lockers.”

I feel myself getting kinda nervous about what could happen if we do get together after school. “I, um, I have to go straight home today,” I tell him.

He’s still kissing me. “I won’t keep you too long.”

Just long enough
.

But Nashawn don’t even let me really answer him. His lips are back on mine and right away my brain gets all cloudy again. I’m so weak and pathetic. It’s like I can’t even think straight anymore. I can’t believe I’m with Nashawn again, especially after the way I felt just a couple of days ago, when I knew he was just using me. I’m stupid, I know it. But still, his lips feel good right now, and I’m tired of always thinking and thinking. Why can’t I just have some fun?

So, in between kisses, I whisper, “Okay, I’ll meet you.”

“Good,” he says, with his tongue now tickling the inside of my ear, making me giggle.

Me and Nashawn spend the next couple of minutes still pressed up against the door, kissing. And I can’t help counting down the minutes in my mind, half expecting Mara to come barging into the dressing room any second. I don’t want this to end. Because here, in this dark room, it’s just me and Nashawn. There’s no Adonna.