Kentucky Groom (13 page)

Jay drew a hand threw his hair, and glanced once more at his manager. One very selfish part of him was glad Carrie had not found the love of her life in her first marriage. This gave her the chance to find it in her second.

Chapter Twelve

Wildwood Stables
Late July

Jay and Carrie were silent as they walked after eating dinner and doing dishes. Rain threatened the Western sky—big, black clouds crowding the horizon. The late July air was muggy and the leaves of a distant hickory tree were still.

Carrie’s face was taut with controlled emotion, closed off. Like her heart, Jay thought with a renewed sense of irony. Yet there must be more to it. She had been quiet and distant since coming from the lawyer two days earlier. Maybe she had learned something from the lawyer. Something she was keeping from him just as she kept hidden her love for him.

Jay’s hand fell on her bare arm. “Rest a minute.”

Carrie sucked in a deep breath as if to steady herself. “Sure, why not?” Her mood was somber, just like the haunted look again in her eyes.

They stopped by the paddock fence. Jay leaned his back against the rough wood and lifted a booted foot to hook his heel on the last railing. He gazed at the doublewide trailer that was now their home, the expanse of hillside, and Mary’s training barn. Carrie turned her back on the paddock as well.

“If Tate could see Jesse and me now.”

Carrie squeezed her eyes shut. Jay wanted to help. He wanted to charge in on a white horse and rescue the woman he loved. Knowing not to press her, not to hurry her, he ground his teeth together and waited.

She opened her eyes and turned toward him, pressing the wooden railing as if she needed something to rest against for support. “I want to thank you one more time,” she said.

Jay gazed at her. His body tensed, aching with his hot awareness of her. “It’s not necessary.”

“But it is.” Carrie touched his arm with a tentative finger. “You’ve been marvelous with Jesse.”

Seeing the despair in her eyes, Jay reached out and brushed a strand of hair from her forehead. “Jesse will be okay. Don’t worry about her. She’s tougher than you think.”

“I wish I could be certain.”

Jay smiled. “I’m not a parent, but I imagine that’s the hope most parents share. You want what’s best for your child. It’s normal.”

Carrie twisted her head away from him. He thought she might be crying, for when she spoke, he heard tears in her voice. “I’ve put Jesse first in my life from the moment I knew I was pregnant. She was my responsibility.”

“You married, and Tate made a good life for her.”

“Tate made the good life. He’s gone now.” Carrie’s tone had turned bitter.

“Don’t sell yourself so short. You’ve had a little setback with the fire. You’re a bright woman. You’ll get it all back.” Was he saying the right words?

She spun around. “You don’t understand. My lawyer tells me I’m so deeply in debt that he wants me to declare bankruptcy! I don’t have enough money to rent my own apartment, let alone keep Jesse’s horse.” Carrie glared at him, the color in her cheeks rising. “What am I telling you for?” she asked herself, and then flung away from the fence, striding toward the trailer.

“Wait a minute.” Jay hurried to catch up. “Carrie, wait!”

“I promised myself I wouldn’t say anything to you,” she shouted at him. “Damn you, Jay Preston!”

Jay grabbed her arm, spinning her around. “I said wait a minute.” His grip on her arm must have hurt, but she lifted her chin and glared at him as if she were royalty.

For a moment, they stood frozen, incapable of doing more than sizing each other up. Jay felt a wrenching squeeze of his heart. “Tell me what’s wrong,” he said softly.

Her eyes blazed. “I’ve already made it clear there’s nothing you can do for me.”

“I’m only trying to understand what your lawyer was talking about. Why are you in debt? Surely you had home owner’s insurance.”

“Not enough as it turns out,” Carrie said, shaking herself free of his grasp. “And I owe for Tate’s funeral and his medical bills that mounted during the last months of his life. I had hoped selling the store would get me out of debt, but it only got the immediate creditors off my back.”

“I see,” Jay said as she turned from him once more.

“I don’t understand all the implications of what my lawyer was telling me. I just know the bottom line—Jesse loses her horse because I can’t afford to keep it. Doolittle is the one thing I wanted to remain the same for Jesse, but maybe, if Mary lets us live here for awhile, it won’t be such a disappointment.”

Jay felt an ache in his chest he didn’t think would go away. He reached out and caressed her averted cheek, softly, with one gentle fingertip. “Carrie, look at me.”

She turned to look at him, eyes wide with anguish and anger at her situation. In the distance, thunder rumbled. Night was quickly closing in around them.

“You have much to hold against me, I know.” When she started to say something, he stopped her with a fingertip pressed against her lips. “Hush,” he said. “Hear me out. I’ve done much to wrong you, but maybe I can make it up to you.”

He cupped her face with his hands, and felt the intensity of her eyes upon him. “You married Tate a long time ago because you needed a home and a father for Jesse. I can give you the same thing. You married for convenience once. Marry me now—for the same reason. For Jesse.”

Carrie’s flesh tingled where Jay’s eyes caressed her. Her heart skittered against her breast as she looked at the sincerity that burned in his eyes. She couldn’t believe he had proposed. Slowly, she swallowed, her brows drawing together.

“You can’t mean it,” she stated in a hushed voice. “Knowing that I can’t love you.”

“Knowing that you
won’t
let yourself love me,” he whispered. “There’s a difference. I don’t for one minute believe you don’t love me.”

Sweat broke out along her lip. The feel of his hands against her face was torment. She fought down a shudder. Jay was right, but she couldn’t admit it. Instead, she stared into his hazel eyes, trying to see into the depths of his soul.

“Do you know what you are doing?”

He watched her carefully, his smile fading. “I’m proposing.”

“Do you know the responsibility you would be taking on?”

“I’ve thought of that.” His thumbs rubbed her skin, sending shock waves down her spine. “I’ve got one thing going for me. Jesse already likes me.”

“But you’d be her stepfather.”

“You don’t think I can handle that? You think I’m too young?” He smiled once more. “Carrie, in many ways I’m old beyond my years.”

She fought his beguiling touch, his voice, his words. Something in the back of her mind flared to the surface. What had happened to her desire to make it on her own? A nagging voice told her not to give in. To remember Jay’s dishonesty. To remember that ultimately he couldn’t be trusted because he had once lied by omission.

But another voice reminded her she could trust Jay. Vivid memories of the fire flashed through her mind. She had trusted her daughter’s life to him. Because of Jay’s presence in the family these last few days, Jesse’s laughter had returned. Her little girl had come back to her.

Carrie’s gaze flickered over his face. The light was failing, but she could still see the angle of his cheekbones and the softness of his lips. Was that the gleam of love in his eyes?

She had married for convenience once before. Jay was right. It might not have been heroic, but it had been practical. She hadn’t regretted marrying Tate, not really. Oh, deep down, there had been regret because passion was missing, but she had made her bed, so to speak, and she had to lie in it.

Carrie felt the warmth of Jay’s breath upon her face. He was so close. So deliciously near. Could she do it again? Marry again for practicality, not love? What would be the harm? She would provide Jesse both a father and a home. She could pay her debts. She could have security. It didn’t seem to Carrie that she had much choice.

As she searched Jay’s eyes and listened to his breathing and the chirping of crickets, the thought came to Carrie that perhaps she could let herself give in. Perhaps she would give Jay what he wanted—a marriage of convenience.

She would give him everything but her heart.

* * * *

They were married two weeks later. While they were on their honeymoon Carrie’s mother and stepfather had come from Southern Kentucky to take Jesse home for a visit. Mary Wilder and Bob Flynn had stood up with them at the civil service.

All the way to the A-frame retreat on the edge of the Smokey Mountain National Park, Carrie had asked herself time and time again why she had agreed to this insane bargain. Bankruptcy couldn’t be that bad. Tons of people declared it every day. Surely, she could have thought of another alternative. The strained silence in the car was oppressive. They didn’t have anything to say to each other. Yes, this had been one big fat mistake.

It was almost dark when they pulled up the gravel driveway to the chalet. Carrie glanced quickly at Jay, his features tense from the long drive. For better or worse, richer or poorer, he was her husband now. She had made her bed once again, and she was going to lie in it. The irony of her errant musing brought her an inward smile. She hadn’t thought about the honeymoon when she’d made this particular bed.

“Well, here we are,” Jay said when he cut the engine.

Carrie felt her heart pounding in her chest. “Yes.”

His fingers clutched the steering wheel. Jay stared straight ahead for a moment and then seeming to draw in a breath for courage, turned to look at her, his eyes shadowed. At once her heart paused as she gazed at the agony on his beloved face.

He cleared his throat. “I thought coming down here would be a good idea. I thought we needed time alone.”

“Yes.” Why couldn’t she say more? What kept her tongue tied like a girl on her first date?

“But, if you don’t want to. I mean, if you don’t want,” Jay couldn’t finish his sentence.

“I know what’s expected of me. I’ve been married before.” The words sounded too harsh even to her ears. Jay’s already pale face whitened even more.

“Look, I coerced you into this. If you’d rather not, er, go all the way, I’ll understand. This is a business arrangement after all. Something mutually beneficial to the both of us.”

“You didn’t hold a gun to my head today, Jay,” Carrie said softly. “And I’d say I got the best part of the deal. You just got a widow with a bunch of debt and a pre-adolescent child.”

“I tricked you into this, using your financial trouble to lure you.”

“Shhh.” Carrie stopped him with a fingertip against his lips. “You haven’t lured me into anything. We both had a choice. Now let’s go make the best of it.”

Carrie’s smile was touched with sadness. Jay could tell she was putting on a game face. A thousand times, he had wanted to back out of this marriage. What had he done? Carrie didn’t want to marry him, wouldn’t have married him, if she hadn’t needed his money. Now he was no better than Carter. No better than the man he had vowed not to imitate.

“I’m sorry it turned out this way.” Jay’s voice carried the sincerity he felt. His optimism had vanished during the last two weeks. Now he felt young and inexperienced. Naive. Stupid. And they were feelings he didn’t want to have in front of the woman he loved.

Carrie cocked her head to the side. “I know what it is. You’ve got cold feet,” she teased. “What’s the matter? Are you still a virgin?”

His breath hitched. “As a matter of fact, I am.”

Chapter Thirteen

Carrie sat cross-legged on the king sized bed. A single light illuminated the master bedroom of the chalet, and from the bathroom the steady hiss of the shower drowned out the thudding of her heart. Still clad in her shorts and tank top, Carrie couldn’t force herself to get ready for bed. Slowly, she licked her lips.

Jay’s revelation had stunned her. Her new husband was a contradiction. She cast a surreptitious glance at the bathroom door. Imagine, at twenty-five, he had never slept with a woman. It made her feel old and worldly wise, too experienced. She wondered at the man she had married.

“I wanted to keep it special for my wife,” he had told her as they had walked into the chalet. “Marriage is a holy covenant between a man and a woman. I wanted it to mean something.”

Holy? Covenant?
She marveled at his words. Perhaps his mother had stressed the importance of marriage. Perhaps seeing his father’s many wives had given him the idea. Whatever had caused his convictions, Jay Preston’s old-fashioned ideals had certainly made Carrie take another look at him.

Did he believe what he said about marriage? Why then had he offered her this sham of one? Carrie lifted her hands and began to unbind the heavy braid hanging down her back. Maybe Jay was some sort of knight-errant, reincarnated from a distant past. He took his pledge to care for her and Jesse seriously. Just how seriously did he take his wedding vows?

More importantly, how seriously did she take them? Once again, confusion nauseated her. She shook her head from side to side, shaking the plaits loose and hoping to jar some sense into her brain. Jay deserved a good wife. He deserved to be loved. When she had taken her vows, she had promised both. No matter her misgivings, she realized she wanted to fulfill her pledge to this man who had brought her so much.

Tilting her chin up, she ran her fingers through the tight hair of her scalp, releasing the blond tendrils around her face. With quiet deliberation, she stroked her cheeks and rubbed the tenseness from her neck. She shut her eyes for a moment and breathed deeply. When she opened them, it was with a renewed sense of purpose. Carrie jumped from the bed, drawing her tank top over her head and unsnapping her bra. Now in a hurry, she slipped out of her shorts and panties, and dropped them onto the floor.