Kijana (34 page)

Soon a queue of incoming yachts was waiting for us to unravel our mass of lines draped across the river, and get the hell out of the way. The shipwright's tug returned to provide some extra oomph and, with
Kijana
's motor revving, we slowly slid off the bank and into the safety of deeper water. As the yachts passed by, we were faced with the decision of which way to go. Although the tide was at its highest, the poor light prevented us attempting an escape. We'd sure as eggs hit another bank in the darkness, so we reluctantly headed back to the same jetty we'd departed from only that morning, and tied up for the night. Even on that return trip of 100 metres we managed to hit another bank, overheating the engine as we extracted ourselves from another near disaster.

By time I stepped onto the jetty I felt relieved, but also pissed off at our mishaps. Despite the poor information we'd been given, I blamed myself for what had happened.

While Josh and Maya prepared a cold meal for dinner, I set about cleaning the fuel filter, which was the main suspect for the overheated motor. After halting the fuel flow and unbolting the cap, I stood on the jetty as I wiped out the muck from the filter. In keeping with the day's events, I knocked my hand against the wharf and dropped the filter's glass cap into the dark water below. It disappeared within seconds, along with any hope that my nightmare day was over. Hell, I was mad. It meant we'd be wasting more time, when every day that went by was one less that Maya and I would share together. Time was too precious to waste being stuck in mud. In the back of my mind I told myself everything would be OK once we got to Maya Bay.

The following morning, I managed to get hold of a second-hand filter cap and by the time I'd fitted it, the tide was at its peak. We managed to cautiously snake our way down the river without incident until we finally hit the open seas. From there it was a four-hour sail to Phi Phi Don and, hopefully, paradise. I was never so glad to see an open expanse of water.

As we got underway I wondered what Maya thought of life on board, how she saw herself fitting into the crew and whether she still wanted to take the plunge and join the trip permanently. Up to that point we hadn't discussed it, preferring instead to merely bask in each other's company. Of course she wanted to stay on, she told me when I asked her. As long as she was with me she'd be happy! How could I not love this girl.

However, her resolve was soon tested when she began to feel seasick after a few hours at sea, her longest stretch yet on
Kijana
. While
Kijana
rode the waves without a hint of repercussions from her episode the previous day, Maya was going green in the face. I couldn't help but be reminded of those first days of the trip and the experiences of Mika and Nicolette.

I could see Josh's reaction and knew what was going through his mind. It was the same thing going through mine. However, this time I was more sympathetic. And so was Josh, who promptly fired up the engine to get us to Phi Phi Don quickly to end Maya's suffering.

After four hours on the water we were close enough to spy the intricate details of the cliffs on Phi Phi Don. We planned our visit as a two-pronged attack – Phi Phi Don was to be the fun of the bars and backpackers, while Phi Phi Lae would be the natural beauty of
The
Beach
.

As soon as we stopped and dropped anchor, Maya immediately felt better. And when Josh spied the shops and bars of the main strip, his spirits lifted as well.

‘I can smell the ladies from here,' he declared as we got ready to explore the shore.

We were surprised by how much activity we found on the island. We'd heard there were a lot of bars, but nothing like the number we found. There was everything from dive shops and cafés to street stalls cooking crêpes and piling them with exotic fillings before our eyes. We even passed a few restaurants where the diners ate in silence, watching none other than Leonardo Di Caprio on the very beach that lay a few miles from where we stood. We obviously weren't the only ones to be lured here by a Hollywood film. Since the film's release in 1999, tourism to these islands had skyrocketed. It had always been a popular place, but was now even more so.

We found a small place to eat dinner, then settled at a club and hit the dance floor. There were backpackers from all over the place – England, Germany, Australia and the United States to name a few. Everyone was there for a good time, so conversation was easy and soon a small group had formed around us.

Towards the end of the night Maya and I wandered off to find a crêpe stall for dessert, but when we returned to the club Josh had disappeared. We headed back to the dinghy, presuming he'd be waiting for us there, but there was no sign of him when we got there. We sat and waited half an hour until Josh's distinctive figure came striding towards us. We'd all drunk our fair share of Red Bulls and whisky, but Josh walked with an intensity that I instantly recognised meant that something was wrong.

He said nothing when he arrived, instead grabbing the dinghy and attempting to pull it into the water on his own. I thought it a strange move, for he knew it was way too heavy for one person to drag, so Maya and I grabbed the other side and helped heave it into the water. After we started the motor and began the 100-metre trip back to
Kijana
, I asked him what was wrong. His face was deadpan, his eyes watery red.

‘Nothing,' he said, then immediately changed his mind. ‘Where were you guys?'

‘We came back after something to eat but couldn't find you,' I explained.

He said nothing in response. We arrived at
Kijana
and stepped aboard, with still not a word uttered. Josh was obviously pretty pissed off at something. He'd either been in a fight, which was highly unlikely, or he felt abandoned by Maya and me. Either way, I felt the issue needed to be resolved, so I quizzed him again.

‘Are you sure you're OK?'

He didn't answer but stepped back over the safety lines and into the dinghy and in a drunken slur announced he was going off to think.

As he started the outboard, I yelled out for him to stop, but he ignored me. He may have needed time to think, but this was plain dangerous. I yelled out even louder but he didn't bat an eyelid. It was the first time he'd ignored an order from me. I was very worried, for I'd already hit one of the shallow reefs in the dinghy earlier that day.

As he began to swerve off uncontrollably into the darkness, I took a flying leap off the deck, managing to grab hold of one of the inflatable hulls while the rest of my body dragged in the water. He had such a head of steam that he ignored my plight and revved the engine as hard as he could, dragging me along as I tried to keep my feet away from the spinning propeller. I was being just as stupid as Josh, and I knew I wouldn't have done it if I was sober, but the stakes were high, for Josh was in no state to control a speeding dinghy. I eventually managed to drag myself into the dinghy and yanked out the safety key which immediately shut the engine down.

‘If you want to go, you can row,' I yelled, jumping back into the water with the key in my hand and swimming back to
Kijana
. By the time I clambered back on deck I could just make out the sound of oars dipping into water. I looked at Maya but didn't know what to say to her.

‘He went that way,' she offered, pointing into the darkness. There was no moon and I could no longer hear the splosh of the oars, so he could have been anywhere by then.

‘At least he's not gonna kill himself,' I said rather dramatically, hoping to justify my reckless heroics.

‘Maybe you should go and talk to him,' Maya said. I wholeheartedly agreed with her, for I cared deeply about Josh. But the truth was I didn't know what to say.

We sat in the dark contemplating what had just happened when, from across the still water, came the heart-wrenching noise of uncontrollable sobbing. I knew it was Josh.

I wanted to hug him and apologise for taking the key. I wanted him to know it was OK, that if he felt like he was losing a friend since Maya had arrived, he hadn't. Having Maya on board changed nothing for me. I loved her but Josh was always going to be my first mate. No one could replace what he had brought to
Kijana
. I wished he'd realised that before.

When the bright sunlight woke me the next morning, the last thing I wanted to do was get out of bed. I was hungover and unsure of Josh's fate. I was relieved to find him in the front cabin sound asleep. He didn't rise until after lunch, which was incredibly late for the man we'd dubbed Mr Earlybird.

He immediately apologised for the mess of the previous night. I said I was sorry for taking the dinghy key, but he didn't remember anything about that. In fact, he didn't remember much of anything, other than the fact that he had ‘regrets', so nothing further was said about the episode. But I knew it was all about Maya. As much as he tried to hide his feelings for my sake, having Maya aboard was having a bigger effect than I ever imagined.

The three of us spent the rest of the day doing everything in our power to ignore the previous night's events as we pottered around the boat, cleaned, checked emails and went ashore to look at the shops. Two emails arrived that day. The first was from Beau informing us he was returning to the boat early. There was no explanation, just a note to say he'd catch a ride on a ferry and be back aboard
Kijana
the next day.

The second was from the office. They'd seen the pictures we'd sent back of our river mishap, and demanded to know how we'd managed to get
Kijana
grounded.

They also ‘advised' us that it would be best if the images weren't put on the website or given to any media. It was outright censorship. I believed we needed to show as much of our mishaps and adventures as possible for people to see the dangers we faced. I knew that would be the sort of adventure I'd follow. But I didn't have the energy to object. It was the same story, the same one since hitting the reef and the reason why Maya was only here for a ‘holiday'. I knew what their answer would be, so it simply wasn't worth it. I no longer felt I had a say in how the trip was run.

Beau arrived the following day, and I was never so glad to see him. It was a reminder of how much I was going to miss him when he left permanently. The meditation course had been intense, he told us, too intense for his liking. After four days of not being allowed to look any of his fellow meditators in the face, he'd decided to hightail it and return to the relative calm of
Kijana
. He told us that he'd realised he needed more training before tackling such a full-on course.

I didn't have the heart to tell him that things had been pretty intense on board in his absence. In fact, he never found out, but he arrived back to an extremely subdued crew and must have figured something was going down.

We weighed anchor to sail the short 20-minute trip to
The Beach
. As we approached the beautiful island of Phi Phi Lae, the mood was heavy. Josh was still consumed by his worries about his relationship with me, and Beau was obviously affected by his Buddhism experience. I had my own concerns. I was increasingly worried about Maya. She'd been with us for just over a week and I feared that I would start to view her in the same light as Mika and Nicolette, with her seasickness and gentle ways on board. However, instead of shutting her out, as I had with the Mika and Nicolette, I was forced to face the problem because, ultimately, she meant as much to me as the trip.

The softness of her touch, the very thing I loved about her, was obviously not suited to my style of adventure. I was scared at the thought of her being on board. If I'd caused so much heartache and pain for Mika and Nicolette, then it wasn't beyond me to do the same to Maya. The harshness of what we were doing called for adventurers, not passengers.

The past week had slowly made me realise that I couldn't spend my life searching for lost tribes or beautiful beaches if I wanted to be in love. It would have to be one or the other.

And then there was Josh. I'd envisaged exploring the world with Josh for at least the next two years. Now I seriously questioned how that was going to work. We'd developed not only into best friends, a term I hadn't understood until meeting him, but I relied so much on him. I couldn't physically continue with
Kijana
if he wasn't by my side.

We passed through the cliffs guarding Maya Bay and were suddenly faced with our dream –
The Beach
.

We'd finally arrived in paradise, yet it didn't feel like it. The beauty of the bay seemed to intensify the depression we'd sunken into.

I had done everything in my power to get us to that point of the journey, even things I felt pretty ashamed of, believing everything would be OK once we arrived. For instance, I hadn't stuck up for Maya and demanded she join us earlier. She was forced to find out through the newspapers of a ‘mystery blonde' joining us in Darwin, while she sat at home wondering what the hell was going on. I didn't have the guts to be straight with Mika and Nicolette because the office needed time to think. I'd ignored Beau's pleas for the trip to be undertaken for the right reasons.

Maya Bay was a massive disappointment. There must have been a dozen dive boats and twice as many Thai longboats pulled up on the shore, with the beach covered in sunbaking tourists – once more, it was not how I'd hoped and imagined it would be.

I felt disorientated. I knew we were
at
paradise but as I stood on the shore the magic of what I expected to feel was missing.

We spent the day exploring the beach until, as the sun made its journey towards the horizon, the last boat motored back to the bright lights of Phi Phi Don, leaving the beach empty. We lit a fire on the sand, as we'd dreamt of doing for so long, and began our attempt at creating the vision that had burnt so strongly in all of us. But no matter how hard we tried, we were on a hiding to nothing. The warm light flickering from the flames did nothing to lift our spirits.