Killing Kate (21 page)

I silently wave him away.  My focus
is on nothing in the room but the television.  I see myself appear on the
screen.  I'm back in my old bedroom, a naked little girl on a twin bed with a pink
flowered Laura Ashley hand me down bedspread, probably acquired from a thrift
shop.  A man stands to the side of me pleasuring himself.  I watch in horror as
he makes a face and his semen spills over my stomach and nonexistent breasts
and realize the volume is turned all the way down.  The man climbs over the
little girl me and pushes himself inside of me and all I can stare at is my
face on the video.  It's blank and motionless.  I am vacant and absent from the
scene, even though my body is there.  “What the hell is going on here?” I hear
and Justin and I both whirl around.  Devin is standing at the foot of the
basement stairs with a disgusted expression on his face.

“Devin!” I cry out.  “Wh-what are
you doing home?”

“Mrs. Strahl called me saying she
heard a lot of noise coming from our house.  She thought there might be another
break in.  I came home.”  He walks toward the television, not taking his eyes
off of it.  “What the fuck is that?”

“Devin, don't get mad,” I say.

“What the fuck is all of this?” he
asks, taking in the wall that we broke down, Justin and I and the television.

Justin steps forward.  “We found
out something about Jack,” he explains.  “And realized that what he had been
hiding was connected to the break in the other night.”

Devin looks confused.  He sits down
on the ground.  “Turn that off.  I can't think with that on.  It's disgusting.”

Justin nods and takes the
controller out of my shaking hands.  He pulls me toward him and cradles my head
against his shoulder.  I'm not crying or even shaking, I’m just numb. 
Everything I just saw, everything I've tried to forget, it's all directly in
front of me and there's no repressing or denying anything.  I'm feeling
something foreign to me, and I can't put my finger on what it is, but then I
realize, it's everything Kate has felt for me.  I'm feeling it.  It’s all me
right now, and it sucks.  Instead of the hollowness I’ve always felt inside,
something new fills me, and I think it’s called rage.  I feel my fists clench
up, push away from Justin and walk over to part of the brick wall that hasn’t
been torn down.  I pick up my arm, put my hand in a fist and punch the bricks. 
They are loose and collapse down on the ground.  One smashes my toes, and it
feels amazing.  I keep going.  I punch the bricks and they continue to crash
around my feet.  Devin and Justin begin shouting at me but I don’t hear them. 
All I can focus on is the physical pain I’m causing myself and it helps.  Devin
and Justin each grab one of my arms and I wrestle away from them and focus on
the wall.  They are stronger than I am, though, and their second attempt
restrains me.  “Let me go!” I scream.  “Don’t fucking touch me!”

“Jenna, stop, please,” Devin
pleads.  I whirl around and look at him and burst into tears.  Justin grabs me
again and pulls me away from the wall and sits me down on the floor.  I’m
choking on the dust and trying to take deep breaths.  My knuckles have blood on
them, and my fingernails are torn up.

“Let’s get her upstairs,” I hear
Justin say to Devin, and he stands over me and sweeps me up like a rag doll and
tosses me over his shoulder.  He walks me upstairs and sits me down at the
kitchen table.  Devin has followed us upstairs and gets me a glass of water and
places it in front of me.  I gulp it down quickly, wishing it was whisky. 
Devin and Justin sit down at the table with me and Justin rubs my back while I
calm down.  I feel like an idiot, wishing I didn’t have to be taken care of all
of the time.  Devin grabs a first aid kit and pulls out some gauze and tape and
antiseptic and begins to doctor my hands.

I sit and watch Devin bandage my
hands as Justin tells Devin about Drake Carroll and Mike Carroll.  I can't look
at Devin right now.  I know he hurts just as much as I do to hear about it. 
It's his past too, though he wasn't exactly the same type of player, he was
still a pawn in Jack's game.  He is finished with my hand when I finally get
the courage to glance at him.  His own fists are clenched and his lips are set
in a firm white line.  The color has drained entirely out of his face.  Justin
ignores all of this and tells Devin everything else, including the DVD Drake
dropped off the other night at the housewarming.  When he is finished telling
Devin the whole story, we all sit in silence for a minute.  I watch Devin’s
face some more, but he doesn’t indicate anything he is thinking, and it’s the
worst part.  Finally he stands up, walks over to me and kisses me on the
forehead.  “I love you,” he tells me and walks out of the kitchen.  When we
hear the front door open and slam shut, I push my chair back from the table
quickly and out the front door after him.  He is getting on his motorcycle.

“Devin!” I scream over the engine. 
“Where are you going?”

“To kill Drake Carroll,” he tells
me.  “And when I'm finished with that, I'll drive to Washington to kill his
shithead brother Mike, too.”

“No!” I scream, and try and grab
his sleeve but he takes off before I can hold him back or pull him off of his
bike.  I fall down to my knees and sob into my injured hands.  I feel Justin's
arms come around me but I shrug him off.  “No!” I say.  “Get away from me!”

“I'm going after him,” he tells me,
stepping back.  He looks hurt, but he just walks over to his car and gets in
and drives, leaving me alone on the lawn.  I'm sure neighbors are watching but
I don't care.  Instead, I pick myself up and walk back into the house to wait. 
For what I am waiting for, I have no idea.

“It's a hot mess,” I hear Kate say
when I get in the house.  She is sitting on the couch, looking smug.  I sink
down next to her and put my face in my hands.  “You knew Devin would react that
way, though.”

“Why did you tell Justin?” I ask
her.  “Things wouldn't be like this right now if you hadn't told him.”

She looks at me and looks sad.  “Do
you think things were really so good before everyone knew the truth?” she asks
me.  “You know that's bullshit.  A person can't go through life being two
people.”

“I'm still two people,” I point
out.  “You're here now.”

She smiles.  “You won’t be two
people for much longer.  I'm saying goodbye.”

I am shocked.  “Why?”

She shrugs.  “Maybe there will be a
time again that you need me, but I think you've confronted your past and you
know what you need to do about it.  Maybe Devin will kill Drake Carroll and
Mike Carroll and go to jail, but it's all for you.  The point is, you know
what's happened to you and you have to deal with it.  You're allowed to feel
angry or sad or shitty or whatever you want to feel, but it's you feeling it
now, and not me.”

I nod and realize she's right. 
There was a reason I put that DVD in the player.  “Will you help me with one
more thing?” I ask her.  She nods and knows what I will ask.  “Find the DVD
with Mike Carroll.”

My phone rings, waking me out of a
deep sleep.  I wake up and feel under my pillow.  There's a gun and a DVD
there.  It took Kate about fifteen minutes to find them for me.  Jack had them
stashed away in the house the whole time.  I’m sure the gun wasn’t legally
registered at any point, and I don’t really give a shit.  “Hello?” I say in a
groggy voice.

“Jenna,” I hear Justin say.  He
sounds worse than I do.  Exhausted.  “There's been an accident.  You need to
get down to the hospital.  I've told my mom to come pick you up and drive you. 
She knows what's going on and will be there in five minutes.  I’ll see you
here.”  He hangs up before I can say anything.  I waste no time getting up and
finding a purse large enough to fit the gun and the DVD.  I can't leave them
here.  Too much is at stake.

Louisa is waiting outside for me as
I open the front door.  I don't bother to lock it, since whatever Drake wants
is with me and not in the house.  “Oh, honey,” Louisa says when I open the door
and sit down next to her.  “I'm so sorry.”  She has been crying, I can tell,
and now I panic.

“What happened, Louisa?” I say. 
“Justin told me there was an accident but that's all he said.  What happened? 
Is Devin okay?”  She answers me by bursting into tears and my heart sinks. 
“Louisa, answer me!” I scream.  She is driving already, and I feel terrible for
screaming at her but I need to know what's going on.  “Tell me what is going
on!”

“He's bad, honey,” Louisa says. 
“He hit a truck on 55 and flipped into the median.  He's on life support, but
that's all that's keeping him alive.”  I don't hear her if she's said anything
else.  I just stare out the window at the road and think about Kate.  I need
you, Kate, please, please, please don't leave me.  Devin, don't leave me.  Why
is everyone leaving me?

Justin meets us outside of the ER
and takes my hand.  He doesn't say anything as we walk down the hallway and we
go directly to a room where I see someone who is no longer Devin.  Everything
that is Devin has left this empty shell where he used to reside, and now it's
just a body.  “Even though he was wearing a helmet,” Justin says, “there's no
way he could have survived it.  I saw it happen.  I was six cars back.  He was
weaving in and out of lanes.  It's a wonder there's anything left of him.”

“Oh Devin,” I whisper, and walk up
to the scraped and battered body lying in the hospital bed.  Machines beep and
there is a tube stuck down his throat.  “What did the doctors say?” I ask.

As though he was waiting outside of
the door, a young doctor steps into the room.  “You're the sister?” he asks
me.  I nod.  “Has everything been explained to you?”

“I-I'm not sure,” I say.

He nods and puts a hand on my
shoulder.  I'm sure he took a bedside manner class in medical school that told
him to do just that.  “Your brother's head injuries are extensive to the point
where his skull is putting pressure on his brain, causing massive internal
hemorrhaging.  Even though he's on life support, it's a matter of minutes or hours
until the pressure causes a burst and he'll be gone.  Your friend indicated to
keep him on support so you could come here to say goodbye, but I'm sorry that
there is nothing more we can do.”  I nod.  I'd argue with him but it's obvious
that Devin is in horrible shape, and I feel choking sobs rack through me. 
“We'll leave you be,” the doctor continues.  “Come out when you're ready.”

Justin comes over to me and kisses
my head.  “I'll leave you alone,” he says.

“No,” I say.  “I want you to be
here,” I tell him.  “You're in my life now, I want you to hear this.”  Justin
nods and walks to the other side of Devin's bed and sits down in one of the
chairs.  He looks relieved to sit.  I’m guessing he’s been pacing the entire
time he’s been with Devin.  I sit on the other side of Devin and take his hand
and a deep breath.  “Devin,” I say.  “It's Jenna.  I want you to know that
after everything, I forgive you.”  I breathe in again and let it out with shaky
sobs.  “I forgive you for everything.  I know you wanted to protect me and I
love you so much for that.  I love you for making me feel loved.  I know you’ve
always loved me more than anyone else in my life and I will never forget that. 
I know things were never perfect for us and I hate that your life was too short
and you never got to have everything you deserve.”  I stop and take another breath. 
“I forgive you, Devin, for not being able to protect me when we were younger. 
I never blamed you for anything.  I know you couldn't stop it from happening.” 
I look at Justin, who is looking at me.  “I forgive you for what Jack made you
do to me,” I say, squeezing my eyes shut and feeling the tears spill out from
the corners.  A drop falls onto Devin's hand holding mine.  “I forgive you for not
stopping I asked you not to, and I forgive you for enjoying it, because I know
you loved me, and I loved you too, and it's okay.”  I sob harder and put my
forehead to his hand.  I don't want to let go.  I feel Justin has gotten up and
put his hands on my shoulders.  I turn around and see he isn't mad, or
disgusted, and he puts his hand on my face and I turn toward his caress.  I
stand up and kiss Devin's face all over.  His cheeks, his closed eyes, his
forehead.  Then I whisper something in his ear so Justin can't hear what I have
to say.  “I will kill him for you,” I say.  “I will do it.  Don't worry, I'll
do it.  I love you more than I'll ever love anyone, Devin.”  I turn to Justin
and pull myself against his chest and bawl.  “I have to go,” I say to him when
I’m calmer.  “It's over.”

Justin nods and follows me out of
the room, away from the light of my life, which has been put out.  I can't stop
crying.  Justin hands me off to Louisa who is waiting in the hallway and she
leads me to sit down in a chair next to her and I lean over and sob into her
lap like a little kid, while she soothes me and strokes my hair.  Justin tells
the doctor that he can turn off the life support, and walks back over to us. 
“It's over,” he says, echoing what I told him.  “Let me take you home, Jenna.”

“Stay with her, Justin,” Louisa
tells him, looking devastated.  “I will take care of things here.”  She gives
me another hug.  “Just go home,” she tells me, “and rest.”

I let Justin lead me away from
Devin, who I will never touch again.

*