Authors: Mimi Jean Pamfiloff
King of Me (29 page)
“I hope you like this place.” He opened up the piña colada–shaped menu. “The food, I hear, is tiki-licious.”
“Right. That’s it. This date…is over!”
Percolate went to boiling over. “Jake, I’ll be right back.”
“Um, okay,” I heard him say as I stomped off to the bathroom. I slammed the door shut and checked the two small stalls.
Empty.
“You giant turd! You promised you wouldn’t talk!” I hissed. “Not a peep.”
“Well, that was before…”
“Before what?”
There was a cricket-worthy pause.
“Fine. You listen to me, Guy.” That was my latest name for him since he’d never shared his real one. “We had a deal. You promised you’d behave—”
“And you swore on your soul you’d pull the plug if I said so.”
“Oh, no, no, my friend.” I shook my finger at the air, even though he couldn’t see me. “I said I’d end the date if you sensed anything wrong.”
“Yes, and he’s clearly deranged.”
“Deranged?” I barked. “You’re un-bel-ievable! He’s said two words—”
“Eighty-five. Or was it eighty-seven? Hell, it doesn’t matter. I knew on word three there was something…off.”
“Oh my God! You’re completely full of it!”
Hiccup! Hiccup!
“Great. See what you did? My night is ruined.”
Hiccup!
“Do you have a paper bag?” he asked.
I continued hiccuping uncontrollably. “No. Doesn’t exactly go with my new dress.”
Hiccup.
“Besides.”
Hiccup.
“That only works for hyperventilating. I’m working up to that next.”
“New dress?”
he asked, his tone a notch above angry. “You didn’t wear the new green dress, did you? The tight one that shows every curve and ‘makes a man instantly hard,’ as your friend Anne so eloquently stated?”
The door to the restroom swung open. The woman gave me a nod as she went into one of the stalls.
Christ!
I’d forgotten my wireless headset. Again. Without it, I looked like another New Yorker one step away from a Repent Now! sandwich sign. I scrounged through my matching satin evening bag and popped on my prop.
“Answer me! Did you wear the dress? After I expressly prohibited it?”
Should I tell him I secretly wish he could see me in it? No. No! What am I thinking?
He could never know what went on inside my head; he’d only use my feelings against me. I hiccuped three times in quick succession. “Yes! I wore it, and it looks fabulous. You should see all the men walking around with colossal erections from looking at me!”
Just then, the woman emerged from the stall and scampered out of the bathroom. She didn’t even bother to wash her hands.
Ewww
, I thought.
“You play with fire, little girl.”
“No! You play with…” I couldn’t think of anything meaty to say. “Uuuh…fire. I’m going out there, and I’m going to finish this date whether you like it or not. And if you make one more peep, just one more, you’re going to…uh…get burned!”
I so need to work on my threat technique.
“Got it?”
“And if I don’t do as you say?”
Again, I came up empty in the threat department, so I threw out, “I’ll go home with Jake and sleep with him! That’s right. Wild monkey sex, too! Hanging from the chandelier and everything.”
Does Jake even have a chandelier? I’ll have to ask.
He growled. “You wouldn’t.”
“Try me! Not one more peep!” I smoothed down my curls, hiccuped five more times, then took a deep breath, and headed out into the dining area. The woman from the bathroom caught my eyes for a brief moment before looking toward her date and leaning in to whisper something. Her companion shot me a quick judgmental glance over his shoulder. I resisted blurting out that his date was disgusting and had cooties on her hands. Instead, I lifted my chin and walked over to the table where Jake was sitting back, completely unaware of the turbulence he’d invited into his life.
That’s when the tsunami of guilt hit me.
I stopped and looked down at Jake, the most beautiful man I’d ever seen in real life.
“Everything okay?” he asked, obviously wondering why I hadn’t taken my seat.
Jake’s online profile said he was looking for someone special, someone to settle down with. That someone wasn’t me. How could it be? I was…complicated. My heart was trapped in some sort of bizarre purgatory, attached to a voice. Or, more accurately stated, attached to the endless images and fantasies my mind had conjured up to go with the stupid voice.
I couldn’t go on with the date. There was simply no point. I had to get rid of Guy, or there would be no normal. No boyfriends. No husband. No wild monkey sex.
I hiccuped twice, making Jake jump in his seat.
He stifled a smile. “Oh, here. Try drinking some water.”
I smoothed down the front of my dress, barely holding onto my tattered self-esteem. “I’m sorry, Jake, but you don’t want me. I’ve got so much baggage even JFK couldn’t handle it. But it was nice meeting you, and I hope you find that special someone.”
Jake stared blankly and then nodded slowly.
I bolted outside onto the bustling street filled with people enjoying their Friday night, living their lives while I continued hiccuping uncontrollably.
“Emma, I’m glad you came to your senses. All this bickering is tiresome, especially when you know I’m right. That male was despicable. Why do you even bother to challenge me?”
That’s when the doors flew off.
“You’re a horrible, egotistical caveman! I’m done! Do you hear me? Done! You. Have. Got to leave!”
Several couples scurried past me. Although I was pretending to be talking to someone on my headset, I still looked like a detonating atom bomb in a green dress, mushrooming with toxic radiation.
“I’m not going anywhere, Emma. Besides, what would you do without me?”
“You can’t be serious!”
“Why the hell not? If it weren’t for me, some sleazeball would be using you for his sexual pleasure at this very moment. Is that what you truly want?”
“Yes! Wait. No…” I sighed. “Don’t you get it?”
I need to move on. I need a normal life. I can’t keep obsessing over you,
I wanted to add and thanked my lucky stars Guy could not read my thoughts.
“Once again, you ask this ridiculous question. The answer is no! I do not ‘get it.’ I do not ‘get’ your determination to throw yourself into situations that will only cause trouble. And as long as I exist, I have vowed to protect you…even if it’s from yourself.”
“Protect me?” That was always his fallback line, but he never could explain why that was even necessary. What the hell did I need protection from? “You’re not protecting me, you’re hurting me and keeping me from having an
actual
life! And if you’re not going to tell me why, there’s nothing left to talk about.”
“I’ve still got plenty to say, little girl.”
“No! This is over! Do you hear me? I’m ending this.” I stepped off the curb into the crosswalk, continuing to stomp my way home, determined to find the answer to my million-dollar question: How, dammit, would I get rid of him? I’d researched exorcists, psychotherapy drugs to block him from my mind, and shock treatment, but nothing gave me hope of extracting him without exposing myself and being locked away in a white padded room. Just then, from the corner of my eye, I saw a set of lights barreling down on me and felt my body fly through the air before everything went dark.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mimi Jean Pamfiloff is a
New York Times
&
USA Today
bestselling author of Paranormal and Contemporary Romance. Her books have hit the Amazon/B&N top-100 lists multiple times and have been #1 genre sellers around the world. Both traditionally and independently published, Mimi has sold over 500,000 books since publishing her first title in 2012, and she plans to spontaneously combust once she hits the one-million mark. Although she obtained her international MBA and worked for over fifteen years in the corporate world, she believes that it’s never too late to come out of the romance-writer closet and follow your dreams.
When not screaming at her computer or hosting her very inappropriate radio show, (Man Candy on Radioslot.com!), Mimi spends time with her two pirates in training, her loco-for-the-chili-pepper Mexican hubby, and her rat terrier, DJ Princess Snowflake, in the San Francisco Bay Area.
She continues to hope that her books will inspire a leather pants comeback (for men) and that she might make you laugh when you need it most.
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LEARN MORE:
Radioslot.com/show/mancandyshow
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