Knight (41 page)
Authors: Lana Grayson
The dab of formula squirted onto my wrist. It soaked into my skin, scarred with a tattoo of barbed tendrils and violent letters. Just yesterday, it stained with blood. Now it dribbled with formula.
I preferred the formula. Never thought I would.
I hauled the kid into my arms and offered her dinner. She worked herself up too much. She wanted to scream, not eat. I tickled her lip with the nipple to bait her into taking the damned bottle. No dice. I wasn’t in the mood to bargain with Silver about her welfare. I’d squirt the formula down her throat while she hollered if it’d get her fed.
Fortunately, my baby idolized her daddy. At least, I figured she did, but it wasn’t like she had a lot of other sources to get her love. She clamped on the bottle and sucked it down. Her eyes peeked up at me.
Tearless, for the first time since I got home.
Should have nicknamed Sophie Sapphire instead of Silver. Those eyes would bring a man to his knees. Barely six months old, and she already won me over. Christ, she had me the instant they set her in my arms. Never thought I’d have such a perfect little creature love me, but I’d be damned if I ever betrayed that gift.
Unlike her mother.
The bedroom door was closed. Alexis probably heard our daughter crying and slammed it.
I kicked it open. Silver giggled. At least one of us did.
Alexis passed out on the bed, t-shirt barely covering an ass clad in only a bright pink thong. I used to like that ass. Hell, I stuffed enough cash in her panties while she danced at Sorceress to own it. But she played me good. After a few weeks of fooling around, I convinced her to shack up with me. It wasn’t a stable relationship, but the sex was okay, and it only cost me a couple hundred bucks in purses, makeup, and shoes to keep her in bed and out of my business when I did jobs with Anathema.
Once it got old, once I realized I could do better, I kicked her out. She was happy to go. I was happy to be free, especially since then I found someone worth my time. Someone beautiful. Perfect. Smart.
Then Alexis came back. Said I got her pregnant. And it wasn’t about me anymore. I had to work something out for the kid. I owed her that much.
A can of beer rested on the nightstand. That didn’t bother me as much as the new bruise sweeping up Alexis’s arm. At least she waited until the kid was born before shooting up.
Silver gripped her bottle. She could almost hold it to her own mouth. The internet said that was good, that she was developing quick. I didn’t want that to be the greatest source of happiness in my life, but it meant Silver wasn’t completely fucked up, despite whatever shit she slept in at home.
I didn’t ask for much. I just wanted to give her a goddamned
chance
.
“Alexis.”
She didn’t move. Her arm tossed over the curly shades of red blocking her face.
“
Alexis
!”
Nothing. If the kid wasn’t in my arms, I’d have rolled Alexis’s ass off the bed. She didn’t even wrap herself in a blanket. Not that she could. The comforter stained with an overturned bowl of spaghetti.
I smacked the bottom of her foot. Alexis stirred and peeked open a bloodshot eye.
“Where the hell have you been, asshole?” She spat.
So this was how it’d be? The starting gun fired, and I wished it aimed for her instead.
“What the hell were you doing?” I shrugged at the kid. “Silver’s been crying! Didn’t you hear her?”
“No.”
“Bullshit. The entire goddamned neighborhood probably heard her. You’re fucking lucky someone didn’t call the cops.”
“Ain’t no one calling the cops on
Gold
Mered’s house.” Alexis slipped from the bed. She yawned, but her skin stayed stretched and thin. She didn’t used to look like plaster. At least the makeup gave the illusion of sobriety. “Sophie’s fine. Babies cry.”
“Know what else babies do? They shit. Everywhere. She was a mess.”
“So change her diaper.”
Fuck. I counted to ten. Didn’t help. Silver wiggled, and I kept my voice low so I wouldn’t scare her.
“There aren’t any diapers,” I said.
Alexis rolled her eyes. Twice. She knew there wasn’t a goddamned thing I’d do to teach her any fucking respect. A good backhand solved most problems, but I wouldn’t hit the mother of my child.
What a time for restraint.
“Why don’t you go buy some?” Alexis sneered at me. “Do something around here for fuckin’ once.”
“Why didn’t
you
get diapers? You were watching her!”
“Yeah, I was
here
watching
our
baby. What the hell did you expect me to do?”
I gestured to Silver’s room, with the empty cabinets and mess. “Go to the store? Do some laundry?”
“Because it’s
that
fucking easy. You have no idea the work it takes to keep this family functioning.”
I just hauled a truck filled with smuggled cigs halfway through the desert to trade for a couple thousand in profit for the club. Then I nearly got my ass run off the road in a goddamned downpour when a half dozen rejects from Anathema’s split charter, The Coup, decided to fuck on our side of the river. I still made it home in time to bathe and feed the miserable baby.
Yeah. I had a
good
idea how to keep the family functioning.
“Why is the water shut off?” Stupid question. Alexis shrugged. “I gave you cash to pay the bill. You were supposed to go to the office yesterday.”
She didn’t answer. Never had an answer. She tried to cover the track mark on her arm, like it’d make a goddamned difference.
“You’re unbelievable,” I said. The kid was nearly done with her bottle. When was the last time she ate? “For fuck’s sake, the baby was covered in shit, didn’t have water for a bath, and she’s crying like she’s
starving
. I was gone for
two
days. You can’t take care of your own daughter for two days?”
“I took care of her!” Alexis grabbed a pair of jean shorts from the floor. She wrenched them over her legs. “You come waltzing in the house, take one glance around, and think you know
everything
that happened while you were gone. Well, guess what, Gold? You don’t know shit.”
“I know you didn’t pay the water bill. I know you didn’t do laundry. I know you shot up like a fucking junkie instead of taking care of your
kid
.”
“You have no idea the pressure I’m under!”
“Yeah.” I snorted. The bottle was empty. Silver needed more, but I had nothing else. Maybe she’d sleep instead. “It’s so stressful to buy some diapers and make sure the kid doesn’t starve. God forbid you take twenty minutes to run up the road and pay a water bill.”
“Why don’t
you
pay the water bill?”
“With what money? I gave you two hundred for it. I gave you one hundred for groceries. Where did it all go?”
“This is bullshit, Gold. You’re supposed to provide for your daughter.”
Yeah. For my
daughter
. Not for some whore’s drug habit.
The anger seized my throat and pierced my brain. Slamming my head against the wall was more productive than dealing with Alexis’s drug-hazed shit. I took the kid to her room. The crib was a mess. I’d need to hose the damn thing down. I stuffed the baby in her car-seat carrier instead. At least then I could move her to the living room, out of the smell and dark.
And Silver fucking smiled, just grateful to be warm and fed and
clean
.
Jesus, the very basic of human needs, and the kid was happy. It didn’t take much. Silver giggled and babbled and loved tickles. I wasn’t always around to give them.
And now I didn’t trust Alexis to do it either.
I set Silver on the couch. Big fucking mistake.
The carrier rested next to a scorched mark the size of a dinner plate. Alexis’s cigs and ashtray piled full on the end table.
That was it.
“
Alexis
!” I saw red and hoped it was an aneurysm. “Jesus
fuck
, did you set fire to the
couch
?”
Alexis padded into the kitchen. She ignored the dirty dishes and bills, moldy bread on the counter and water from where Silver dripped.
“Accident.” Alexis mumbled into the fridge, grabbing a beer. “Fell asleep.”
Jesus. I just earned all my money doing a run for the fucking things, and now a cig would be what burned the house down. Alexis nearly caused a fire. Nearly torched the living room.
My chest squeezed so hard I thought I inhaled the hypothetical flames. Deserved them too.
Silver might have been trapped in it. She might have…
I reached to pull my baby from the carrier, just to hold the squirmy little kid, just to have her close so I knew she wasn’t incinerated in a fucking drug-addled inferno.
My fingers grazed something slimy under the couch.
I pulled it out.
Regretted it.
Alexis walked into the living room with a beer just as I held the used condom up for her inspection.
“Unless you’re whoring that ass out…” I didn’t want to say the words. “Unless
this
got you a hundred bucks to turn the water on, ain’t
nothing
you can say, so don’t even try.”
Her eyes widened as much as whatever poison in her veins let her react. I didn’t expect her to scream.
“Like you fucking care!” Alexis’s words rattled the windows. Silver immediately whimpered too. I couldn’t handle both of them flipping out. “Like you fucking care who the fuck I fuck.”
“Damn right I care!”
“Oh, do you?”
“You’re
my
old lady, Alexis. You got
my
fucking patch on you.”
“You think I give a damn what
Anathema
thinks? So you bent me over and gave me a ride. Christ, I pushed out that fucking baby.
There’s
your property patch. You fucking love her more than me.”
That wasn’t hard. I loved the baby more than my goddamned
life
.
I didn’t love Alexis. Never did. In fact, I was really starting to hate the cock-sucking whore who let some other man into
my
house to fuck what was
mine
while my
daughter
cried until her lungs gave out in her soiled fucking crib.
This was the last time. No more chances. No more
trying
to make it work.
The kid deserved better. I didn’t, but that didn’t mean I’d let the baby crawl through her own filth and my own bad judgement. Her father was already James “
Gold
” Mered, a fucking nobody made into a badass by virtue of the cut he wore and the friends he made and the blood he spilled. It’d be a rough enough life for a baby.
Never gave a damn about it before.
Then she was born.
Then she
smiled
at me.
Then she giggled and played and squealed at me because I was her everything.
And she was my everything too.
“Know what?” I grabbed the kid’s carrier. “Do what you want. Shoot up whatever you want. Fuck whoever you want. I’m done.”
Alexis frowned. “You’re
done
?”
“Yeah.”
“You aren’t even going to fight for me?”
No, but I’d fight to the death for the kid. “You’re goddamned toxic. I’m out.”
“You can’t leave me.”
I hoisted the carrier. I pocketed the truck keys and kicked away a couple discarded magazines hiding the diaper bag.
It shouldn’t have thrilled me to find three diapers in the pocket, but it was like goddamned Christmas.
“You ain’t taking my baby!” Alexis’s voice shrilled. She rushed forward, nearly toppling the carrier from my hand. Silver wailed. “Gold, you motherfucking asshole! That’s my
baby
!”
I didn’t want to hit her, but goddamned if I wouldn’t push her ass onto the sofa if she didn’t get away from the kid.
I drew myself up to my full height. I wasn’t as big as the other guys in Anathema, but they threw down their last twenties on me when I entered a boxing ring. Alexis knew it. She blew me the day I won ten grand for the club while I was still sweaty and bloody in the ring.
That was the night I guessed I knocked her up.
The biggest fucking mistake of my life gave me the greatest fucking gift.
She didn’t back off. I tossed her to the ground. The drugs dizzied her. She screamed as she struggled to rise to her feet. Gave me enough time to get my jacket and cut from the kitchen.
She came at me from behind.
I didn’t realize she had the knife until it sliced through my shirt and nearly imbedded in my shoulder.
The bitch got me good, and my vision whitened with shock. The carrier clattered to the floor. Silver cried, louder, shriller.
I turned, twisting Alexis’s wrist and almost breaking it. The knife wrenched from her hand. It fell to the ground.
Just inches from the baby.
Jesus
Christ
.
I grabbed the blade, tossed the mother of my child against the wall, and threatened her with the sharpened edge of the bloody chef’s knife she dared to turn on me.
“You want to see how this ends?” I hissed. “You
really
want to try me? I’m taking the baby. I’m leaving your junkie ass. And if I see you
anywhere
near me or Silver again, so help me God, you’re gonna wish you had burnt to a crisp on the fucking couch.”
Alexis scowled, but she didn’t move. “You aren’t leaving with my
baby
.”
“Watch me.”
“She needs her mother!”
“Well you ain’t it.” I tossed the knife away. “You’ve never been a mother. Kid’s better off without you. Fuck your own life over, you aren’t messing with ours. Not anymore.”
Silver wailed in the carrier. Alexis didn’t move.
It wasn’t hard leaving the house, the woman I knocked up, or the memories behind.
I wish I had been man enough to do it sooner…