Knockout Games (14 page)

He acted insulted. “I would never do that, Erica.” I believed him.

I knew I should be home in case my mom Skyped me. I texted her saying that I was going to sleep and I'd see her in the morning. We hadn't Skyped for a while, so she should buy it.

“Say hi for me,” said Kalvin.

I elbowed him. “Yeah, maybe you want to show her that video while you're at it?”

I'd spent years wondering what it would feel like to be with someone, but this was not what I expected—doing it outside with a black boy on a sex tape. Despite everything it took to get here, though, it felt surprisingly right. Except for the video part.

I spotted Boner watching us from the window above. He didn't yap or jump about like his usual self. At least he wasn't threatened by me.

Kalvin told me that when his dad died, he'd hide out here alone at night and watch the stars. He hoped maybe his dad was up there looking back. I joked that maybe he hadn't been alone up here, but he shook off the idea that he'd be out here with another girl.

In a quiet moment, he gazed at my skin under the moonlight. “It must be weird having white skin,” he said. He confessed that he'd always wanted to be with a white girl, especially one with red hair. He'd had plenty of black girlfriends before, but when he saw me, even though I was hiding behind a camera and a hoodie, he had a feeling. Like I was just waiting for him.

“So you must like . . . big girls?” I asked, feeling the flab on my stomach.

“What?!” He laughed so hard he almost choked. “You think all black brothers dig big white women? Is that what you heard?”

I nodded.

He kissed me softly. “People are into things that are different from themselves, that's what draws us. You're about as different from me as I am from you. Opposites attract, right?” He stroked my hair. “Besides, you're just all woman, and I like that. Don't care for them skinny model types. I want a real woman, one that you can feel the weight of.”

I poked him. “The weight of?”

He didn't back off. “That's right. And that hair? Come on, for real? It's like you're the sun or something. How many girls got real red hair? You don't need to hide it under that hoodie. Show yourself; be proud of who you are.”

He was right. I was tired of hiding. “White boys never even look at me, unless they're making fun.”

“Well, fuck 'em,” he said angrily. “What do they know? They're into those cutesy little girls with their ponytails. That ain't a woman.
You're
what I want. I'll take you to any dance you like.”

That meant a lot, even though I couldn't picture him in a tux escorting me to the prom. But this was better. He held me tight and didn't say anything more, slowly falling asleep in my arms. For the longest time, I just watched his face.

He
was
different. That's what intrigued me. There was something dangerous about him, but I knew he had a sweet side too. That's what drew me in. Under the stars, I felt good to be next to him and yeah, maybe even good about myself. I pulled off the blanket and let myself be naked for all to see. It was dark out, so it wasn't that risky. I got goose bumps all over from the cold, but for the first time, I wasn't ashamed about what I looked like. Against his dark lean body, I was yin to his yang. Lightness and dark. A whole.

I covered us up and dozed off. I wasn't asleep very long before he started twitching and rolling about. Bad dreams. I looked closely at his face, trying to read his mind. I almost got elbowed in the face for it. I woke him up and he jumped with a start, his fists up and ready to attack. I had to call out his name a few times before he saw it was me, even though he was looking right at me. He was covered with sweat.

The sun slowly crept up on the horizon and I knew I should get home before Mom got there. He seemed sad to see me go, but he let me. “I still wanna see those drawings you made,” he said.

I looked around and spotted the Sharpie C-Jay had used earlier. “Hold on,” I said. I reached out and grabbed it, then slung his leg over my lap.

“What're you doing?” he laughed.

“Giving you something to remember me by.” I looked up and saw Boner still in the window. It took me about ten minutes to capture his likeness.

“Well?” I asked.

“That's some tat.” He gazed at it, amazed. “It doesn't look like you, though.”

I pushed him off me and got up. “Funny.”

He touched the ink dog. “I'll never wash it.”

“You better not,” I said as I headed to the door with only thoughts of what we did just a few hours ago.

When I hit the street, the first thing I saw was a pair of those Eyez drawn in chalk on the sidewalk in front of Kalvin's building. They were watching, but did they see us? I felt invisible walking through the damage from last night—broken balloons, trampled signs, a few shattered car windows on the street—I just floated through it all. As I turned the corner, I glanced back at Kalvin's building.

He was still watching me from the roof.

Of course I barely beat Mom home. I didn't even have time to change. I was so flustered, I couldn't bear talking to her, scared I might reveal something by accident. So I said I had to go meet up with Destiny because of some video project that we were going to present on Monday. She asked when was I going to show her something and I said, “Soon.”

Right as I was headed out, she stopped me.

“What happened to your hand?”

My fist was still puffy and bruised. “I . . . tripped. At school.”

She touched it; it was still tender. “Are you OK? Do you need to see a doctor?”

I pulled my hand back. “No, the school nurse said it wasn't broken.”

“Well, good. At least you'll be able to draw again.”

She was always throwing in things like that out of nowhere as if the past was always on her mind. I didn't respond.

When she came in to hug me, her expression changed. Something was off. She looked me up and down like something was different.

“What?” I asked.

She kind of blushed and wouldn't say. I hurried out, embarrassed. At the bus stop, I smelled my collar. It smelled of Kalvin.

21

I spent the whole Sunday wandering the city alone. I tried hooking up with Destiny, but she was nowhere to be found. I thought about going over to Kalvin's, but part of me said I should play it cool and not be too eager. I knew boys didn't like that.

On Monday, a mandatory assembly in the cafeteria was suddenly scheduled. I needed to talk to somebody about the night before and there was only one person I was looking for: Destiny. But she wasn't in homeroom and didn't answer my texts. As soon as I walked into the cafeteria, there she was, sitting alone at one of the tables, staring at her phone.

I sat down next to her. She seemed distant, barely acknowledging my presence.

“Where were you this morning?” I asked, as the students filed in.

She kept staring at her phone, then barely said, “Something came up.”

“Is everything OK?” I asked.

She shrugged. “I don't know, is it?”

I hated when people played games. “What are you talking about?”

She looked at me for the first time. It was a look I hadn't seen since she'd challenged me to a fight way back when. “Maybe you should ask Kalvin.”

She was giving me all kinds of attitude. So I dished some back. “I would if he was here, but I'm asking you because you're in front of my face.”

I could see the wheels spinning in her head. “You really don't know?”

“Jesus, Destiny. OK. Yeah I . . . stayed last night with Kalvin. I'm sorry if I . . .”
Fuck this
. “Look, you never said you and him were—”

She cut me off. “Were what?”

I glanced down at my hands, which were shaking. I had never been in the middle of something like this.

“God, you really were a virgin, weren't you?” she said.

WTF?

She was still fiddling with her phone. “Well, at least you'll be able to share the memories with your grandkids,” she said all snarky.

Now I was really confused. “What are you
talking
about?”

She looked around. People were still settling in, talking and making jokes. No one was sitting next to us yet. She thought for a minute, then held her phone in front of my face. “Gotta say, though, his camera work is nowhere near yours.” She pressed Play.

I stared at the video. It was me, out of focus and blurry, until the camera settled. Then I saw Kalvin on top on me. It was from the roof last night.

Holy shit.

I grabbed it from her and stopped the video. “Where did you get this?”

She leaned in. “Where do you
think
?”

I grabbed her arm. Angry tears rolled down my face. “No. Tell me.
Where
did you get this?”

She pushed my hands away. “Kalvin sent me a link.”

“He
sent
this to you?” I couldn't believe it.

She took her phone from my hands. “Don't worry, I'm the only one who can see it on Facebook.”

“It's on
Facebook
?” My mind was reeling. I grabbed my phone, tried to access my Facebook page. When it came up, there was no link to the video.

“Ladies, no phones! You know the rules.” It was Mr. Jamison, patrolling the room with his crooked eyes. Destiny scratched her nose with her middle finger. Jamison moved on to the next offender.

She watched him go, then whispered, “Kalvin sent it to me. I had to look. I know he was just trying to push my buttons. But now I don't give a shit.”

My first thought was, Did Kalvin use me to get back at her for some reason? “Destiny, I didn't—”

But before I could get into it, the principal tapped on the microphone. “Alright, settle down everyone. We have a special guest here and I need everyone's complete attention. What he has to say concerns all of you.”

I shot a look at Destiny, but her eyes were glued to the stage where Principal Evans was watching over the crowd. Today he was all business. He stood next to another black man—older, calmer, and dressed like a businessman. He surveyed the room like he'd seen it all. I could see the badge on his belt from here.

Evans glared at us like we were all guilty. “What Mr. Graves has told me is extremely disturbing—”

That's when I noticed someone else had joined them onstage: Joe Lee.

Fuck me.

Someone cracked a joke, but I didn't hear it, just the laughter from a group to the right.

Evans snapped. “Hey. Hey! If I hear one more comment, you will have Mr. Jamison to deal with. And anyone here who has dealt with him personally, I'm pretty sure doesn't want a repeat of
that
scenario.”

He stared down the jokester as if he was daring him to talk out again. “Do I make myself clear?” There was no response. “DO . . . I . . . MAKE . . . MYSELF . . . CLEAR?”

We all mumbled, “Yes, sir.”

He scowled at us for what seemed like forever. I wanted to say something to Destiny, but it was so quiet, I was sure Evans would hear me.