Knotted Roots (16 page)

They
must have heard my sharp intake of breath.  As I made eye contact with Chase
his smile grew even wider.  He stood up and walked over to me, his arms raised
to hug me.  I backed away and put my hand up to stop him.  He looked at me like
I had just punched him in the stomach.  I knew he was a good actor, but this
was Oscar-worthy. 

“Don’t
come near me. Ever again,” I said and he tried to grab my hand.  I jerked away
from him and took another step back.  “I’m serious Chase.  Stay away from me.”

“What’s
going on Roxie?” The look of confusion and hurt on his face almost convinced me
that he didn’t know what was wrong, but I quickly dashed that thought.

“Not
a damn thing.  That’s what,” I said as I stormed out of the room, moving
towards the kitchen door.  I slammed through it and walked to the fridge,
pulling out bottled water.  I took a long drink and then put the top back on. 
I looked up to find Chase standing in the doorway, his eyes glued on me. 
“What?” I snapped at him.

“Talk
to me.  What is going on?” he asked calmly.

“I
already told you, there’s nothing going on,” I said as I jerked my head in the
direction of where Jenn was.  “Better get back in there to your girlfriend. 
Wouldn’t want her getting the wrong idea about us.”

“My
girlfriend? What are you talking about? Jenn?” He laughed loudly, but quickly
covered his mouth.  “Seriously? Is that what all this is about?”

“You’re
damn right it is!” I was fuming at this point.  How dare he laugh at me!  “You
talk a good game Chase, but I’ve got you figured out.  I’m not about to listen
to anymore lies, especially about me.”

“Wait.
What lies? Roxie, I’ve never lied to you, or about you.”

“Sure,
whatever.  Doesn’t matter.  We are done.”

I
walked out the back door to the backyard.  I didn’t want to deal with him
anymore.  He didn’t deserve my time at this point.  I heard the back door slam,
and when I turned around, I saw him storming towards me.  I planted my feet and
squared my shoulders, prepared for a showdown.  When he reached me he grabbed
my arms and pulled me against him.  I tried to get away from him, but he was
too strong. 

“Let
go of me Chase! Dammit!” I tried to hit him on the chest, but he didn’t budge. 

“No! 
You’re going to listen to me!” he yelled as he kept a firm grip on my arms. 
“I’m not a liar and I don’t like being called one.  If you’re going to accuse
me of something, then I should have the option of defending myself.” He kept
his grip, but didn’t pull me against him.  My body screamed to be close to him,
reacting to his close proximity.  Damn traitor of a body.

“You
don’t get it, do you? Regardless of what you say, this,” I said as I tried to
motion between the two of us, “isn’t going to happen.  Just leave me alone!”

“You’re
doing it again.  Pushing me away.  I thought we were past that?” he asked as he
let go of my arms and stepped away.  He crossed his arms across his chest and
glared at me.

“What
I’m over is you.  Take your girlfriend and get out.  Just leave!” I screamed at
him and ran away. 

I
didn’t bother to turn around to see if he was still there.  I didn’t care
anymore.  He acted as if all of this was my fault, but it wasn’t me who had
screwed everything up.  He had done that all on his own.  I kept running,
desperately trying to get as far away from the house as I could.  I just wanted
to be alone.  Was that too much to ask?

An
hour later I returned to the house.  I had hoped to avoid Grandma for a little
while longer, but there she was.  I could see her standing at the kitchen
window, watching me as I walked across the backyard.  I walked into the house
and took my shoes off, avoiding eye contact with her.  I wasn’t lucky enough to
be invisible at that moment.

“Can
we talk for a minute?” she asked as she walked over to the kitchen table and
sat down.

“I
really don’t feel-”

“Sit
down Roxanne,” she cut me off, her tone leaving no room for argument.

I
sat down across from her and leaned back in the chair, still avoiding her eyes.

“You’ve
been moping around the house for a week now.  You’ve barely come out of your
room and you’re avoiding your friends.  So spill it,” she said as she leaned
forward on the table, resting her head in her hands.

“I’ve
been grounded, remember?  Hard to hang out with friends when I can’t leave the
house,” I replied.

“Bull. 
Chase said he’s been trying to call ya, but ya never answer the phone.  And
Katy is always welcome here, so that excuse doesn’t fly with me.”

“Chase
can rot in hell, for all I care.  And I’ve talked to Katy.  Every night, in
fact.”

“A
week ago you and Chase were making calf eyes at each other and now you want him
to rot in hell?  Child, that makes no sense!” she raised her voice in
frustration.

I
slammed my fists down on the table, causing her to jump back in surprise. 
“He’s a liar and a jerk!  He told Jenn-”

“I
should have known,” she said as she stood up.  “Please tell me you’re smarter
than that.  Jenn isn’t exactly known for being completely honest.  What did she
tell ya?”

“Then
they’re perfect for each other.  Both of them are liars.”

“Ya
don’t really believe that, do ya?  Seriously.  Think back on what you know
about Chase.  Does he seem like a liar to ya?” She shook her head as she stared
at me.  “You two may not have known each other very long, but it’s obvious to
anyone who sees you together that there’s something there.  Don’t throw that
away, Roxie.  It’s rare.”

I
stared at her intently, unable to form a coherent sentence.  She had been
against the idea of Chase and me since the beginning, but now she was in full
support of us?  “I don’t know what to believe anymore.  I know Jenn is evil
incarnate, but...she answered his phone!  He was supposed to be home, and she
was there!  I know you can’t possibly see him as the scum he is, but for
once...please...take my side on this one.  Just once.”

My
hands were shaking, from anger or pain, I wasn’t sure.  I wanted to tell
Grandma how I felt about him, but even I didn’t know.  Like she said, I hadn’t
known him for very long, so why did I feel so strongly about him?  It was a
frightening thought that another person could have so much control over my
emotions.  To be honest, I was scared to death.

“This
isn’t about sides baby.  This is about getting to the truth.” She sat back
down, this time beside me.  She rubbed her hand up and down my back, easing
away some of the tension that had seized my body.  “I know that I probably
don’t have the right to tell you what to do.  I’ve screwed up with ya, and for
that I’m sorry.  But I really think you need to talk to him.”

I
closed my eyes as her words sunk in.  I wished I could just forgive and forget
that easily, but the dagger was still firmly in my heart, turning a little bit
more each time I heard his voice.  I had never dealt with a relationship as
rocky and unbalanced as this.  It was as if we were the same side of a magnet,
forced together, but constantly repelling the other. It was so frustrating.

“I
don’t know what to do right now.  I like him. A lot.  More than I probably
should.” I shook my head, my hair falling in my face.  “I didn’t want to get
this close to him.  I wanted to leave here at the end of summer with no
attachments.  This isn’t permanent.”

She
took her hands off of my back, and then lifted my face up to meet hers.  “Ya
can’t tell your heart when to beat.  Just as ya can’t tell it when to fall in
love.”

“Love?
Who said anything about love? This is about-”

“It
is
about love, whether ya want to admit it or not.” She stood up and smiled down
at me.  “Fighting the feeling won’t make it go away.  It’ll only make it that
much harder.”

She
leaned down and kissed the top of my head, shocking me in her gentle handling
of the situation.  I tried to tell myself that I wasn’t in love with Chase. I
couldn’t love someone after only a few kisses.  Granted, they were earth
moving, soul shattering kisses, but love? I just didn’t believe it could be
that easy.

* * * *

Later
that night, Grandma stopped by my room for a chat.  I was already in bed,
reading a book by flashlight, when she poked her head in.  I was in no mood to
talk, but she had to get some things cleared up.  She was concerned about me
going back to work, especially with Chase being there. 

We
came to an agreement not to bring Chase up again, which was for the best.  The
less I thought about him, and the pain he had caused me, the easier it would be
to get him out of my system.  Grandma told me that if I didn’t want to come
back to the farm that I didn’t have to, but what else was there to do?  I
couldn’t avoid him for the rest of the summer, and I knew that Grandma couldn’t
afford to lose his help on the farm.  I would just have to suck it up and deal
with it like the adult I claimed to be.

That
first day back at work was tense.  We both kept our distance, neither of us
trying to talk to the other.  The one time I even glanced in his direction I
caught him staring at me with a scowl on his face.  I shot him a defiant look
before giving him a very unlady-like gesture which involved my middle finger. 
He snarled his lip up at me and immediately averted his eyes.  After that, he
never looked at me again, at least not that I noticed. 

There
were a few stolen glances during the day.  It was as if my eyes searched him
out, begging for one last look.  I tried to fight it, I really did, but when
your body takes over there isn’t much to be done.  My mind seemed to be on my
side, at least.  Every time my body betrayed me it would step up and remind me
why he was a bad idea.

When
I finished my last chore I packed everything up and walked out of the barn.  I
was completely exhausted and looking forward to a relaxing bath and an early
night.  I stepped out into the fading sunlight and found Katy standing there,
bags in hand, talking to Chase.  I watched them for a minute, noticing how they
kept touching each other, completely relaxed.  I immediately saw red, the anger
simmering right under my skin.  I had the sudden urge to jerk them apart, but
instead I just walked away.

He
had moved on quickly, which just proved that everything I had learned was true. 
He wasn’t worth getting upset about anymore.  If he wanted Katy, then fine. 
They could have each other.  I would gladly walk away from both of them.  Well,
maybe not gladly, but dammit!  Did I really need to have it thrown in my face
like that?

I was
a few feet away from Grandma’s truck when I heard Katy calling for me to slow
down.  I turned to see her running towards me, her arms waving wildly, the bags
threatening to hit her in the head.  I didn’t want to deal with her right then,
especially considering that she had obviously been flirting with Chase moments
ago.  No, I don’t have any claim to him, but it hurt to watch them together.  I
shook my head and tried to remove the image of the two of them together from my
brain. 

“Hey!
Wait up!” Katy was panting by the time that she made it to my side.  “Hey. 
Where ya going?”

“Home,”
I snapped and threw my bag in the back of the truck. 

“I
was hoping that maybe we-”

“No,”
I cut her off and opened the door, climbing in effortlessly.  Before I could
close it she had positioned herself in the way, effectively stopping me from
closing the door.  “Move.”

“You
didn’t even let me finish.  I’ve got movies,” she shook the bag in her hand and
smiled.  She raised the other bag, shaking it as well, “And tons of junk food. 
Come on, it would be fun.  A girls’ night is definitely in order.”

“I
think I’m going to pass.”

Her
face scrunched up in confusion, her brown eyes silently questioning me. 
“Um...but...Betty said-”

“Grandma
doesn’t make my decisions.  I do.  And I don’t even want to look at you right
now.  So please move.” I tried to close the door again but this time she
grabbed my hand and flung it off of the door.

“Cut
the crap Roxie.  For once, just say what the hell you mean.  I’m tired of
walking on eggshells around you.” She thrust her hands on her hips, her face
scrunching up in anger.

“Fine.
You want to know? What the hell was that with Chase?” I pushed her away and
stepped out of the truck, slamming the door behind me.  A small look of panic
flitted across her face as I continued to invade her personal area.

“Chase?
What are you...wait.  You’re kidding me, right? 
You
dumped
him,
remember?” She took a step closer to me, defiance replacing the panic from
moment’s ago.  “And for your information, we’re just friends!  Have been since
we were five!  But you wouldn’t know that, would you?  You just make
assumptions about everyone, automatically expecting the worst!”

She
stormed away, making it only a few feet before she turned back to face me.  “He
really cares about you, ya know.  You’ve got no one to blame but yourself for
all of this.” 

I
stood there seething as she stormed away, her angry steps kicking up dirt as
she made her way towards the barn.  My heart broke a little bit more.  I was
mad as hell at both of them, but I had already lost him.  It hurt to lose the
one friend I still had.  But I knew I had to stick to it.  I couldn’t show
either of them that they had gotten under my skin, though that might prove
difficult given my recent explosions.

Instead,
I made a decision that I knew would end badly, but I had no choice.  I was
tired of always fighting with people, of always being in pain.  I had to
confront Chase.  There was no other choice.  My body, my heart, they wouldn’t
let him go, no matter how much my brain protested.  I braced myself and made my
way to face the inevitable.